Mark Weber's Journal
Grief, Comfort, and Firsts
Written Jul 20, 2013 12:14pmIt has been 5 weeks since Mark left us. I find the days getting harder as the weeks pass. I am more aware of the little things that I miss the most. He was such a booming personality in our everyday lives. There are times when I come home and expect to see him sitting there on the couch. But reality sets in. I envy those that grieve him, but get to go home where nothing is different for them. I am sure that does not make sense to some of you, but I know it does to those who have experienced it. And by no way does that belittle their grief, it is just different.
The boys and I are managing through it. Learning to lean on each other as we have before. Seeking Mark’s guidance through memories, and making new memories in his absence. We are finding things that bring us comfort, and stay away from things that bring us more angst and pain. I am grateful for the time we had to share things about what death brings. I am grateful he was not afraid to talk about his death and not deny it happening. I was more afraid of it than he was. But it helps clarify a life without him.
We have already had some firsts since he died, with Father's Day to start. Matt did some planting in his dads garden as a gift to him. Right after he finished, the skies grew dark and rained. When he came inside he asked me if I thought dad would have like what he picked. I said yes! So much that he is watering them for you. (I know Mark didn't believe in intervention, but I do believe in signs). Another first was the 4th of July. We always spent it as a family with fun, food, and fireworks! This year was harder but we managed to get through and still enjoy the fireworks. Another was a family movie outing. This may not be a first per say, but anyone that knew Mark knew how much he loved the movies. We saw Monsters University. I cried part way through thinking Mark would have loved this!! On the way home we discussed who our favorite monster was and which one we thought dad would have loved. Keeping his memory helps during those times.
And then the little everyday things that I miss: His chair sits empty at the dinner table. No texts saying “hello my love”. His laughter filling the house watching his favorite shows. Him whistling his favorite tunes. His bantering back and forth with the boys. His bird calls. His variety of tea (and the teabag sitting out). Waking up and going by his office to say good morning and he is no longer there. His computer stays closed. I miss His friendship. His love. His affection.
But as Mark would say, you need to realize sadness is part of the equation. You can’t get rid of that. And you don’t call what is sad, happy. You look for the happiness that is right next to it. So what is my happiness to the sadness? He is no longer suffering in pain. Because he was. My world is a better place because Mark left it that way. And at the end of the day, that is all that matters.
Written Jun 20, 2013 9:17amAs I went through the numerous pictures that we have from our lifetime together, I found some healing from his loss. Remembering through photos has been such a big help for me. So many good memories.With that, I would like extend that if you are planning on attending the visitation or funeral. Please bring a favorite photo of you and Mark, or just Mark and write on the back who you are, how you knew him and a favorite story you could share. I will have a basket out for you to leave them at.Also, if you cannot attend and would still like to share, you can email them to email@example.com, or send them snail mailThank you.Kris and the boys.
Written Jun 19, 2013 12:10pmI am so very thankful that Mark left a guide for me to follow for his last wishes to celebrate his life. It has been helpful beyond words. Preparing his final farewell and retirement has started the long healing process that we all will face in life. We have had moments of tears, moments of laughter, and moments where we just yell. Patience....I shared with our pastor, who is also my friend, that I am having a hard time with God taking away my best friend. Her response? "I believe cancer took him and God received him into everlasting love." Trying to find comfort in that.I want to share the link to the Wise Funeral Home where Mark's obituary is posted. And please feel free to write in his guestbook there. I look forward to reading your kind words. The funeral home has been wonderful to work with and I find a sense of peace knowing he is in good hands until his final resting place.I also wanted to share the link to the church if anyone wishes to help with what they posted on their signup sight. No obligation, but I at least wanted to share that link as well.