Sunday morning. So tired and so hard to sleep. The dreams are wild even if I get to that stage. Mark is sleeping for now. He was awake yesterday for quite awhile, watching and listening. Kenny, his brother, came for a visit Fiday and was able to stay the night with Mark. I know Mark loved it. You could see it in his eyes. He says little, sometimes difficult to understand and other times it seems clear. Thursday night our dear old friends, who knew us just before we became parents, came through from North Carlolina. How wonderful to recall long old stories we had forgotten. Mark was beaming to see you!You are family to us! Thank you for enduring the dreadful traffic and long hours on the road! Yesterday, some things from his office arrived via a wonderful Steve! Thank you for hauling it and mostly for the delivery with love. You saw him smile to see you...terrific.
Mark is sleeping a lot, and last night moaned for hours. It was heartwrenching to listen to. He says he is not in pain. I gave him his medication for anxiety and I think it helped. I dont know if he felt pain he couldn't express, was agitated, or too tired or just simply has cancer... he can relate little to me so I work hard to keep him comfortable. He ate quite a bit of ice cream yesterday, and a little jello and sipped some broth late night. While we cheer his small bites I know it is not normal, but it is what he wants.
While fireworks were going off, I was changing his bed linens after he wet them. It was raining, and I was crying. Not because I had to change them again, but because he is different than last week, and so far different from just two weeks ago. How fast time is ticking... no stopping what is coming and I will watch him leave this earth from me and our kids. This is the hardest thing I have ever witnessed, or done. I tell myself to face it with courage. Be brave, I tell myself. I know how to be brave, I don't know how to let my best friend go little by little. While I know I have no choice and that cancer is taking his body and mind, my heart is so sad and I will miss him. I lay there thinking about all the places, the things he says, the quirks that make him Mark and I smile at it all. I even smile at the arguments that I remember. I am thankful for the wonderful lifelong memories, and so many tell me to be grateful for that, but that makes this a tragedy. They will come to an end soon, too young, and I am left without him in this big world. I will simply miss my husband. I already do in a sense.
May God keep Mark and my children at peace today.
