This past year I have endured so many ups and downs, twists and turns that my head hurts when I attempt to think about it all.Tomorrow marks one year since I had to say goodbye to my precious baby boy. There are none to date and probably never will be any words available to describe the hurt and pain I feel every day without his presence in my life. To say I miss him is an understatement. I have learned so much these past 365 days. I have learned how fast tears can come, even during happy times, while at work, in the shower, driving down the street, even in my dreams, and how uncontrollable they can be. I've learned that just because someone tells you they will be there for you, doesn't mean they will be. I really have learned that unless someone has lost a child, they will NEVER understand what you are going through and sometimes make silly statements like "you are still upset?" or say "whats wrong?" when they see the pool of tears that have formed in my eyes. Or my absolute favorite is "are you okay?" I really want to scream "hell no, I'm not and I never will be again!" but instead I say "i'm fine" and go about my way, because I have learned that they will not understand anyway if I said anything but. I have learned how petty some people can be. Especially when I hear them complaining about their husbands and children when they are all alive and well and their husbands are faithful and providing. Does it really matter that he didn't put the cap back on the toothpaste or wipe out the sink? Who cares if the kids are bouncing off the walls or you stepped on a lego left on the floor. Does it really matter at the end of the day? Would you be willing to give them up for a clean sink and a toy free floor? My guess would be no. So let it go. I'm definitely not the one to complain to about these things.
 I have managed to get through my year of firsts without Kenji. I'm not sure how or why even. I can honestly say I didn't think I would make it. There were times when the thought of death seemed so inviting as I know that is when and only when my ever present pain will stop. There were times when I allowed my grief to consume me and I shut out the world completely. There were times I have felt so much guilt for allowing myself to have a good time while missing an important part of my life. I thank God for my friends who have managed to stick with me thru all my many mood swings, late nite calls and shoulders to cry and lean on. I know I can be difficult at times, but they seem to know when to give me space and when to get me going. I love them so much.

I know my life and no one else's will stop because I have lost a child. I don't expect it to. But I can honestly say there are times when I feel like I can't go on any longer. There are times when I can't seem to get enough oxygen no matter how deeply and slowly I inhale. There are times when I  sit out at the cemetary wishing it wasn't my boy laying there. There are times,like today when I am overwhelmed by the love i receive from people when I didn't expect it. Some of my friends presented me with an angel statue and a beautiful locket with Kenji's picture in it. Of course I cried as the tears once again were uncontrollable. It felt good to know they haven't forgotten his "angelversary".

One year. At times it feels like forever since I last held my baby, touched his soft skin, inhaled his sweetness, heard his precious little laugh and baby voice.Other times it doesn't seem like it could possibly be a year gone already. Where did the time go? Will the second year go just as fast?

I suppose I have vented enough. Until next time..

Melissa

Kenji's mommy