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Oh Boy

Oh Boy.

9 Days Ago (Thursday)
I have been sick for days. All day long my stomach churns until finally it erupts, expelling all and I actually feel better and can sleep for a couple hours. I am weak and frail and scared. I've been down this road before and it is not good.

8 Days Ago (Fri)
Rob understands that I have been taking oxycontin to block pain from a paracentesis procedure weeks ago. I must be suffering from the #1 side effect. The x-ray at ER confirms I am "considerably backed up". Enema gets me partially cleared. Must ensure methods of bowel movement are in place. ER doctor suggests oxy not all that good and perhaps an extended release pain killer is a better choice. I go home with some relief. Maybe it keeps coming up because it hasn't been able to get down. 

6 Days Ago (Sun)
Extended release 15mg morphine is the drug from hell. I remember when Albert got hooked on morphine on Little House on the Prairie and Charles had to get him through. I could never get hooked on this stuff. I have every possible bad side effect listed. I spend the day in a near hallucinogenic state, vomiting, dying- just dying. Every time I think it might be going away, more is released, extending the nightmare. This is as bad as a bad chemo day.

5 Days Ago (Mon)
I wake up and although I don't feel good I can tell the morphine is going away. My friend Dana comes out to help harvest vegetables and makes me soup. I am distracted and by the time she leaves I declare it is a good day and I think I feel better. Like- better than not just drugged, but better like I'm not going to vomit tonight. And I don't. 

4 Days Ago (Tues)
Mom and Dad show up to help. I haven't thrown up in 2 nights but I am still a rag doll. 

3 Days Ago (Wed)
Tonight I vomit but it's different. It's not massive. It's like a normal person. I have a fitful night of sleep but I am not as afraid of this set back. I know my body. Something is happening.

2 Days Ago (Thur)
Although I don't feel it, Dr. Basu is encouraged that I look better than our visit 2 weeks ago. I do tell him that it seems like something is happening. Maybe I'm going to get through this. He tells me not to think about having to do chemo again because there is no active cancer, there is nothing for him to treat. He says my issues are mechanical. My surgery and all the chemo broke something. I have a hard time reconciling this time around with the last. Last time I nearly starved to death and was hooked up to an IV for 10 days. We thought it was chemo, antibiotics and my mind that broke me through. This time I am breaking through earlier, no IVs, and NO chemo. It must be mechanical. So weird. We schedule an appointment with a gastro guy but if I feel better first I can cancel. 

I am eating and holding it down. I do not feel the need to vomit at all. I still have ascites build up but it is slow. Maybe that must also be my body's slow to recover mechanics. I am patient. I am less afraid and maybe a little hopeful again. I am so fucking relieved that I am not going to starve to death after all. I bet I am going to start to get my energy back and want to do things again. I could just cry. Tears of sweet relief and joy.

Thank you Mom and Dad and Rob. This was another extremely emotional length of our journey. I am so blessed to have you. Thank you friends. I have felt you loving me in my absence.

Each Day a Better Day,