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Whats up.

Sorry to those who have asked that I havent updated here in a while.  I am now wearing a Zoll Lifevest external defibulator and it gives me a lot of peace of mind that I wont just drop dead any minute.  Its hard on the kids, the alarm goes off a lot.  I still continue to be admitted to the hospital about once a month with fainting episodes.  I am still in the wheel chair, but my new dr has said I can walk 1/2 hour a day. 

I have finally given up on Big Baylor being my treatment home, my oncologist canceled my last 3 visits and I have a lump.  I am moving to Presby or Medical City.  Also my cardiologist has been doing the same type of thing, so I have switched to a different Heart Place and I really like the Garland location better.  You can actually reach them by phone and they dont cancel every single appointment. 
I cant get past the fact that the reason I am so sick is because they gave me too much medicine or whatever, I know it had to be done but its still hard to live with. 

I have lost another member of my immediate family, someone I though would always be a relative and loved one.  He made it very clear that he feels I am a bum and a loser for not working now, and I had to be hospitalized because of the stress his unnecessary judgment put on my heart. He said, "We have to get past this."  when I was forced to see him again, but never apologized and even though I have vowed not to hold a grudge, I am just.. having to let this go.  Its unbelievaby hard.  I would give anything to be able to work, but it just isnt possible, nor was it before when I was taking care of my older children.  I did all I could and it was never enough for him or my daughter.  I miss them both and have a huge hole in my soul, but even though I can forgive them for their unfair judgment of me, I am not going allow them to affect me any further.  Sometimes when you love someone you just have to let them go for your own well being. 

If this is the last entry I am priviliged enough to write, I love you all.  Please forgive me for my shortcomings.  See you on the other side.