Journal
Lauren Elizabeth Hacker's Journal
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After Shocks
Written June 17, 2013 2:32pm
Being at home has been such a relief. There is nothing like being back in your own space. It does have its new challenges. Lauren has been feeling better each day, but it is slow going. She gets frustrated, but I keep telling her to pace herself. I was surprised at how tired we both are. I felt like I used to feel in college when I would come home after finals. We all spent the first few days resting. Lauren had a clinic visit and her counts continue to climb. We were so happy that she didn't need a transfusion. She is starting to make her own platelets and red blood cells. This is a very good sign. She doesn't have a lot of endurance and she still needs to sleep a lot. We are trying to get her to quit wearing her hat around the house to get to used to her new hair.
The biggest excitement was getting to see Ashley and Curt get married. It was beautiful! We sat with the McMullen family at a picnic table on the edge. We avoided getting into big crowds and just enjoyed each other's company. Julie and Mike are Lo's godparents, so we were so glad to have an evening with them somewhere other than in the hospital. Ashley did such a great job with her shabby chic style. The Morton Historic Barn was elegantly set with chandeliers and the atmosphere was fun. Lauren was mesmerized watching everyone. Ashley's whole family gave us love and were so happy to see Lauren there. I remember when we first moved back to Omaha and I struggled about going back to work at the hospital. Ashley babysat for the McMullens and she agreed to come watch the kids two afternoons a week until Phil got home. Working moms always feel conflicted, but the kids gained a new family. Over the years, the Broekemeier girls and their friends Kate and Marisa all babysat for us. We only hired girls from Westpoint. Since we don't have extended family here, it was like getting instant aunties/cousins. What a gift!
Most of the week, Lauren rested. She still isn't up for many friends and has a rare playdate. As she is getting stronger, she is starting to want to see some little people. This last weekend I had many of my old friends from Papillion Jr High and two of our friends, Curt and Guy, that were in our wedding eons ago in town. My Papillion friends had their HS class reunion. I didn't graduate with them because my dad got transferred, but I went to the reunion to see all of them anyway. A few other military brats that moved away before graduation have started coming back for these also. It is funny, those were the girls that I was closest to. We have stayed in contact all of these years and are spread to the four winds. Many of my group of friends have visited over the years and know the kids. They came by to give Lauren a hug. The reunion was too much fun. I think every person I talked to gave Phil and I a hug and told stories of their prayers and thoughts of our family during this time. There are not many things better than old friends, especially this group. I love them! It was strange being out in the world and trying to have a good time. I need some more practice. I want to snap out of it, but as we settle in back home, the realization of what Lauren has been through and what we have ahead of us is starting to come to light. During her hospitalization we were just trying to survive. We still are, but now we are trying to restore some of our old life. I am just trying to figure out what I should do each day. My brain is a bit boggled. I have found my way to exercise class, which helps. Otherwise, compared to my old phrenetic pace, I am a slug. But, I am giving myself some more time to bust a move. If it doesn't happen by the end of the week, we are going to plan B. But, it is hard to focus on laundry and dusting when you have had such an experience. Laundry just doesn't seem important.
We head back to the clinic on Wednesday. Lo is be bopping around the house in her Red tour t-shirt with her buddy, Emmy. Jonathan started weight training today and is exhausted from caddying all weekend. He has his guitar lesson this afternoon. I think it feels a little normal.
We will find out Wednesday when Lauren will head back to surgery to have a last bone marrow aspirate done, along with having her central line removed. Once the line is removed, she will have to have her blood drawn when she goes to clinic again. She can't stop thinking about it. She is traumatized by all of the procedures and the memories of all the scary stuff are creeping back into her consciousness. I guess this is normal, but it is strange to see your child who was once fearless, have so much anxiety. I am glad Taylor Swift sang "Fearless" to Lauren. I keep telling her it is because she saw fearlessness in her when she needed it. I keep telling her it is ok to be afraid, but it is time to start feeling safe. I am sure questions will start to come about the cancer coming back. We will answer these as they come. However, I have had kids already ask her some questions that are very uncomfortable. So, if you read this, please discuss with your children how to talk to Lauren. She is so tender right now. She is shy anyway and it is hard for her to answer some of the questions. It is better if kids not ask her some of the following questions:
1-Did you win your fight against leukemia?
2-Are you cured?
3-Did you get stuck with needles a lot?
4-When will the leukemia come back?
5-Do you feel weird?
Kids are kids and they do their best. It isn't their fault if they don't know better. But, it is ours, if we don't teach them.
Here are some good things they can have in their pocket to say to Lauren:
1-We missed you!
2-It is good to see you!
3-We knew you would be ok!
4-We prayed for you!
5-I am so happy you are out of the hospital.
In addition, not to preachy, but her diagnosis is private. Not to create a lot of drama. But, we don't know what the future holds for her. We do believe in her and we believe in her recovery. But, just last week, one of the families that has a child with Lauren's same diagnosis faced our biggest fear. He is out of remission and needs a bone marrow transplant. It happened fast. We will continue to pray for Malik! It could happen to Lauren. So, I guess what I am asking is please don't come up to me and ask what Lauren's odds are or what her prognosis is. It always catches me off guard and it m akes me sad to have to talk about it. I want to keep my mind focused on each day and the blessings we currently have.
Speaking of blessings, our family was able to get to know a sweet lady named Connie Pickert through our friend, Fr. Weeder. I brought her communion and both my kids visited her. Connie, unfortunately, ended up having cancer and was in the hospital and ended up in hospice last week. Lauren and I were able to visit her last week. Last Thursday, we visited her in the morning and she passed away shortly after we left. Lauren brought her a cross to hold in her hands, which her family will bury her with. Connie loved Lauren. From the minute she met her, she had her prayer warriors praying for her. Connie had me cracking up with her wonderful stories and she was a very faithful woman. I am honored that I was her friend, even if for a short while. I truly believe she is in heaven looking over Lauren. I told Lauren the morning that she wanted to see Connie that Connie was close to dying and that it might be scary for her to see Connie. She said, "She would want me to come see her. I want to be with her." I was so proud of Lauren. Our thoughts are with the Pickert and Caniglia family. We will miss you, Connie!
In addition, we are finally at the of Lauren's recoverythat we are going to send a note to Taylor's PR agent. We think Lauren will be well enough to travel in about a month to get to see Taylor perform. It makes me tear up just to think about it. Taylor's performances are magical. Lo could use a little bit of that right now. We will keep you posted! Maybe Jonathan will even get another hug! I still can't get over how genuinely kind Taylor was to our family. What a superstar!
I am compiling all of the "Go, Lolo, Go" pictures into an online photo book for Lauren. Someday, I hope she looks back on all of this and has forgotten the pain and has no fears. I hope she remembers that her sweet smile captured the hearts of many people. I will always believe in miracles now. I felt they were possible before, but I have felt the grace of God throughout this whole process. I have felt the power of prayer and have been awed by the capacity of love from so many. It brings me hope. For this I am truly grateful. Please don't stop keeping her in your prayers. She is not considered cured until she has been in remission for 5 years.
Let's keep our fingers crossed that she gets her central line out next week. I would love to jump in the pool with her soon.
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After Shocks
Written June 17, 2013 2:32pm
Being at home has been such a relief. There is nothing like being back in your own space. It does have its new challenges. Lauren has been feeling better each day, but it is slow going. She gets frustrated, but I keep telling her to pace herself. I was surprised at how tired we both are. I felt like I used to feel in college when I would come home after finals. We all spent the first few days resting. Lauren had a clinic visit and her counts continue to climb. We were so happy that she didn't need a transfusion. She is starting to make her own platelets and red blood cells. This is a very good sign. She doesn't have a lot of endurance and she still needs to sleep a lot. We are trying to get her to quit wearing her hat around the house to get to used to her new hair.
The biggest excitement was getting to see Ashley and Curt get married. It was beautiful! We sat with the McMullen family at a picnic table on the edge. We avoided getting into big crowds and just enjoyed each other's company. Julie and Mike are Lo's godparents, so we were so glad to have an evening with them somewhere other than in the hospital. Ashley did such a great job with her shabby chic style. The Morton Historic Barn was elegantly set with chandeliers and the atmosphere was fun. Lauren was mesmerized watching everyone. Ashley's whole family gave us love and were so happy to see Lauren there. I remember when we first moved back to Omaha and I struggled about going back to work at the hospital. Ashley babysat for the McMullens and she agreed to come watch the kids two afternoons a week until Phil got home. Working moms always feel conflicted, but the kids gained a new family. Over the years, the Broekemeier girls and their friends Kate and Marisa all babysat for us. We only hired girls from Westpoint. Since we don't have extended family here, it was like getting instant aunties/cousins. What a gift!
Most of the week, Lauren rested. She still isn't up for many friends and has a rare playdate. As she is getting stronger, she is starting to want to see some little people. This last weekend I had many of my old friends from Papillion Jr High and two of our friends, Curt and Guy, that were in our wedding eons ago in town. My Papillion friends had their HS class reunion. I didn't graduate with them because my dad got transferred, but I went to the reunion to see all of them anyway. A few other military brats that moved away before graduation have started coming back for these also. It is funny, those were the girls that I was closest to. We have stayed in contact all of these years and are spread to the four winds. Many of my group of friends have visited over the years and know the kids. They came by to give Lauren a hug. The reunion was too much fun. I think every person I talked to gave Phil and I a hug and told stories of their prayers and thoughts of our family during this time. There are not many things better than old friends, especially this group. I love them! It was strange being out in the world and trying to have a good time. I need some more practice. I want to snap out of it, but as we settle in back home, the realization of what Lauren has been through and what we have ahead of us is starting to come to light. During her hospitalization we were just trying to survive. We still are, but now we are trying to restore some of our old life. I am just trying to figure out what I should do each day. My brain is a bit boggled. I have found my way to exercise class, which helps. Otherwise, compared to my old phrenetic pace, I am a slug. But, I am giving myself some more time to bust a move. If it doesn't happen by the end of the week, we are going to plan B. But, it is hard to focus on laundry and dusting when you have had such an experience. Laundry just doesn't seem important.
We head back to the clinic on Wednesday. Lo is be bopping around the house in her Red tour t-shirt with her buddy, Emmy. Jonathan started weight training today and is exhausted from caddying all weekend. He has his guitar lesson this afternoon. I think it feels a little normal.
We will find out Wednesday when Lauren will head back to surgery to have a last bone marrow aspirate done, along with having her central line removed. Once the line is removed, she will have to have her blood drawn when she goes to clinic again. She can't stop thinking about it. She is traumatized by all of the procedures and the memories of all the scary stuff are creeping back into her consciousness. I guess this is normal, but it is strange to see your child who was once fearless, have so much anxiety. I am glad Taylor Swift sang "Fearless" to Lauren. I keep telling her it is because she saw fearlessness in her when she needed it. I keep telling her it is ok to be afraid, but it is time to start feeling safe. I am sure questions will start to come about the cancer coming back. We will answer these as they come. However, I have had kids already ask her some questions that are very uncomfortable. So, if you read this, please discuss with your children how to talk to Lauren. She is so tender right now. She is shy anyway and it is hard for her to answer some of the questions. It is better if kids not ask her some of the following questions:
1-Did you win your fight against leukemia?
2-Are you cured?
3-Did you get stuck with needles a lot?
4-When will the leukemia come back?
5-Do you feel weird?
Kids are kids and they do their best. It isn't their fault if they don't know better. But, it is ours, if we don't teach them.
Here are some good things they can have in their pocket to say to Lauren:
1-We missed you!
2-It is good to see you!
3-We knew you would be ok!
4-We prayed for you!
5-I am so happy you are out of the hospital.
In addition, not to preachy, but her diagnosis is private. Not to create a lot of drama. But, we don't know what the future holds for her. We do believe in her and we believe in her recovery. But, just last week, one of the families that has a child with Lauren's same diagnosis faced our biggest fear. He is out of remission and needs a bone marrow transplant. It happened fast. We will continue to pray for Malik! It could happen to Lauren. So, I guess what I am asking is please don't come up to me and ask what Lauren's odds are or what her prognosis is. It always catches me off guard and it m akes me sad to have to talk about it. I want to keep my mind focused on each day and the blessings we currently have.
Speaking of blessings, our family was able to get to know a sweet lady named Connie Pickert through our friend, Fr. Weeder. I brought her communion and both my kids visited her. Connie, unfortunately, ended up having cancer and was in the hospital and ended up in hospice last week. Lauren and I were able to visit her last week. Last Thursday, we visited her in the morning and she passed away shortly after we left. Lauren brought her a cross to hold in her hands, which her family will bury her with. Connie loved Lauren. From the minute she met her, she had her prayer warriors praying for her. Connie had me cracking up with her wonderful stories and she was a very faithful woman. I am honored that I was her friend, even if for a short while. I truly believe she is in heaven looking over Lauren. I told Lauren the morning that she wanted to see Connie that Connie was close to dying and that it might be scary for her to see Connie. She said, "She would want me to come see her. I want to be with her." I was so proud of Lauren. Our thoughts are with the Pickert and Caniglia family. We will miss you, Connie!
In addition, we are finally at the of Lauren's recoverythat we are going to send a note to Taylor's PR agent. We think Lauren will be well enough to travel in about a month to get to see Taylor perform. It makes me tear up just to think about it. Taylor's performances are magical. Lo could use a little bit of that right now. We will keep you posted! Maybe Jonathan will even get another hug! I still can't get over how genuinely kind Taylor was to our family. What a superstar!
I am compiling all of the "Go, Lolo, Go" pictures into an online photo book for Lauren. Someday, I hope she looks back on all of this and has forgotten the pain and has no fears. I hope she remembers that her sweet smile captured the hearts of many people. I will always believe in miracles now. I felt they were possible before, but I have felt the grace of God throughout this whole process. I have felt the power of prayer and have been awed by the capacity of love from so many. It brings me hope. For this I am truly grateful. Please don't stop keeping her in your prayers. She is not considered cured until she has been in remission for 5 years.
Let's keep our fingers crossed that she gets her central line out next week. I would love to jump in the pool with her soon.
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Home Sweet Home
Written June 4, 2013 2:16pm
She is home! Too tired to update....details to follow!