Okay, if you're expecting sunshine and roses in this entry then you need to just stop reading now and move on.  This is not an all smiles and giggles entry and you don't have to read it...if you can't take it I totally understand.  Say good bye now.

I found myself crying as I sat in the church sanctuary this morning waiting for services to start.  Bro. Larry came to the pulpit and started the announcements and it shook me back to the real world.  Why was I crying?...simple...I let myself.  It seems that more and more I fight back the tears and try to be tough!  Why cry?  That's simple too...pain and tiredness.  I'm so tired of being tired!  And so tired of hurting.  Take another hydro and the pain gets better -- but it always comes back. I know, I can always take yet another.  But I don't like to take them so I don't take them as much as I could.   No matter how much I rest I'm still tired just doing the every day things of life.  Why did I choose to start crying this morning?  Don't know...don't think it did a lot of good but...sometimes things just happen.

Then, this afternoon, I found myself thinking about my death.  I was sitting in the tree swing watching Ricky "piddle" and I found myself thinking about him being by himself and what his "piddling" would be then and how Alicia would not have me there for some of the important things in her life.  Why did these thoughts come today of all days?  Good question.  Do I know something that I haven't shared.  No.  Does my subconcious know something that even I don't know?  Another good question.

So...here I sit, crying again.  Trying to be my usual "glass half full" self.  Wanting to reassure all of you that I'm fine... I'm not depressed...or at least I don't think so.  I just want to wake up tomorrow morning and not hurt.  I want to go to work and work all day without taking pain meds and without being exhausted by the time I go home.  I want to not have to worry about constant test results.  I want to not be sitting here wondering when -- not if -- the cancer will come back and if I will be able to get through it as well as I did this last one.

The last year has been a gift from God -- I truly believe this.  I'm not so sure I've appreciated it as much as I should have. God is good and I love him dearly.  I have so much that I would like to do still in my life and, the good Lord willing, I will be around a long time and be able to do these things.  The one thing I don't want to be is a burden...I'm a big enough pain in the tail -- right!?  8-)

I love y'all.  Please smile and remember that I love you.  BTW -- had your mammogram/prostrate exam lately?  You know it's my job to harrass you about these!!