I don’t think I am at the point where I can possibly try to sum up my experiences since my diagnosis in February of 2007. It’s been filled with a lot of tears, laughter, and anxiety. All of that emotion still continues for me. I am trying to move forward, but switching gears from survival mode is proving to be especially difficult.
So, I try to cut myself some slack, and appreciate the joys in my life along with mourning the losses. For the first time a few days ago I realized that I hadn’t thought of anything “cancer related” all day long, until I noticed a pink ribbon on the Morton’s Salt in the grocery store. (Pink ribbons are so ‘in’ right now, it’s too bad that I already feel way too aware of breast cancer) It’s definitely a sign that my mind & body are making a little room for more non-cancer-related life stuff.
I finished with radiation & herceptin treatment last month, and now I will be receiving Lupron injections monthly for the next five years to suppress my ovaries and stop estrogen production. The daily Tamoxifen reduces estrogen as well. These two treatments together greatly reduce my chance of recurrence. However, menopause sucks. I hate it. I now understand why women sit around and talk about their hot flashes together. I will, unfortunately, have the intense menopausal side effects for the next five years or so. I am trying not to think of that whole chunk of time all together as it is too overwhelming. For now I just take it mood swing by mood swing or flash by flash.
I have my port being removed tomorrow, on Friday the 13th. Woo Hoo! I will be so happy to have that thing out of me. It still makes me feel like a creepy robot. I will also have a few follow-up reconstruction surgeries over the summer. I will be spending a lot of time thinking over the next few months about what if any steps to take as I move forward in regards to my BRCA 2 gene mutation. I am at a pretty high risk for ovarian cancer so I am trying to give myself a bit of a ‘breather’ before I make any decisions in that regard.
My team wants to see me about every 3 months, and it’s been a hard adjustment not seeing them all of the time. They always made feel so comfortable and safe. (Even though just smelling Dana Farber’s hallways make me nauseous) I am gonna see my doctor & nurse wanna start a book club or knitting circle or something so that I can see them outside of Dana Farber. J
I have been avoiding this entry for awhile now. Having this website “connection” with the people around me, even when I’m not actively writing, always makes me feel like you all are so closely in my reach. Alas- it is time for me to ‘jump’ out of the nest. I think I need to get out of the bunker and poke my head up for a bit. Enough of the metaphors- I am so appreciative of the resource that I am hoping to stay in contact as much as possible. Please feel free to email me whenever: kfilanowski@gmail.com
I would love to leave you all with the lessons I’ve learned throughout all of this, I am still in midst of learning them. What I do know is that life is full of joy and suffering and having had both I feel beautifully human and alive.
Love-
Kate
