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Update from Kati

Kari coming home has been very bitter sweet. The transition from hospital to home is 100% different. The protection of the hospital walls made it somewhat of a cushion for what kari really had to face.

She got more nervous the closer and closer we got to getting home.
Thankfully when we pulled up there was a stream of cars and people waiting to welcome her home. Thanks to all who stood in the cold waiting for her arrival.

Looking around the familiar symbols of being home...things that trigger Lydia, and three girls, its been another round in this horrid grieving process. The statement one step forward and two steps back definitely applies to this situation.

Its hard to see, watch, and hear...there are no words of comfort, no words I can give to console her broken heart.

Its also hard to be at moms and I can literally hear the clock on the wall ticking. Something I never even knew existed. Cause the house was always active, fun, loving, loud, chaotic, exciting, energetic, fast paced, action packed, never a dull moment...

Now, to the house filled with tears, quiet, sorrow, sadness, pain, boredom, dullness, emptiness, torture, purposeless, crying, aches...I really could go on.

I would have never in my wildest days thought this family would be ripped into shreds. This house filled with love is now a house filled with pain. We always had so many plans, ideas, so many talks about our families futures. We just always thought we had our family...we always thought we had so much time. We always thought can't wait till tomorrow. Always thought we had our "dates". Just...always...thought.... 

I ask myself daily what the H%*& did our family do to deserve this? Where did we go wrong??? And come up with nothing....
NOBODY deserves this... 

Our kids are/were/and will forever be our lives....without them things seems so senseless, so pointless, so mundane, so purposeless.

I will say in their short lives, they lived them to the fullest, and for that we are all very thankful.

Saturday night.... and if the full family was here. We'd be popping popcorn, laying down the blankets, getting ready for movies, games, and good old fashioned family fun.

We miss you Lydia, laynie, Clara... missing is such an understatement. There isn't a word powerful enough to express our "missing"

Sleep tight ladies of the night...

So much love, Mom, grandma, aunties, uncles, poppa and EVERYONE...xoxoxoxoxox
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Comments

7 Comments

bonnie myers
By bonnie myers
My heart aches for all of you.....I so wish there was something I could say or do.....just know that I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Vickie Jones
By Vickie Jones
:*(

Your pain transcends every fiber of every person who has ever loved. There are no words, as there is no color, sight, smell, sound of that which once was. You are in places only God can touch and hopefully heal one day. Oh how our hearts break with every truth you speak of this unimaginable existance that was thrust upon each of you, and could be anyone of us out here on ANY given day. We wait in the shadows for the updates, knowing all too well, they will not be good as there is no good at this time, only pain, but just knowing you are fighting to live and are becoming stronger physically each day is more than anyone of us can hope for you at this time; that is 99% of the battle, to just live right now. We are here. Not with questions of "how" are you but in the hopes that you will let us know when and how we can be there for you; to sit with you, to hold your hand, to cry with you to just be there for you. We are here. <3
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3 people hearted this
michelle fregeau
By Michelle Fregeau
Beautifully put by Cindy Hagen/Angela Miller
This family is continually in the prayers of many.
Cindy Hagen
By Cindy Hagen
Sharing this with you as it speaks volumes to me and hope you take what is helpful to you from Angela's honest heartbreaking writings.: ♥♥♥
abedformyheart
Content Creator Name:
Angela Miller
Blog Name (if applicable, N/A if not):
Still Standing Magazine
Direct URL to content:
http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/06/why-you-didnt-fail-as-a-mother/
Category:
VOTY - Heart: Feel it.
Description:

"I have to tell you this.
You didn’t fail. Not even a little.
You are not a horrible mother.
You didn’t choose this. You didn’t want this to happen. You didn’t do anything wrong. It just happened. To you. Despite your begging, pleading, praying, hoping against all hope it would not. Even though everything within you was screaming no, no, no, no, no.
God didn’t do this to punish you, smite you, or to teach you a lesson. That is not God’s way. You could not have prevented this if you tried harder, prayed harder, or were a “better” person. Nor if you ate better, loved harder, yoga-ed more, did x, y, or z to the nth degree—fill in the blank with any other lie your mind devises. You could not have prevented this even if you could have predicted the future like no one can.
No, there is nothing more you could have done. You did everything you possibly could have. And you are the best mother there is because you would have done absolutely anything to keep your child alive. To breathe your last breath instead. To choose the pain all over again just to spend one more minute together. That is the ultimate kind of love. You are the ultimate kind of mother.
So wash your hands of any naysayers, betrayers, or those who sprinted in the other direction when you needed them most. Wash your hands of the people who may have falsely judged you, ostracized you, or stigmatized you because of what happened to you. Wash your hands of anyone who has made you feel less than by questioning everything you did or didn’t do. Anyone whose words or looks have implied this was somehow your fault.
This was not your fault. This will never be your fault, no matter how many different ways someone tries to tell you it was.
Especially if that someone happens to be you. Sometimes it’s not what others are saying that keeps you shackled in shame. Sometimes you adopt others’ misguided opinions and assumptions. Sometimes it’s your own inner voice that shoves you into the darkest corner of despair, like an abuser, telling you over and over and over again you failed as a mother. Convincing you if only this and what if that, it never would have happened. Saying you coulda, shoulda done this or that so your child would not have died.
That is a lie of the sickest kind. Do not believe it, not even for a second. Do not let it sink into your bones. Do not let it smother that beautiful, beautiful light of yours.
Instead, breathe in this truth with every part of yourself: You are the best damn mother in the entire world.
No one else could do what you do. No one else could ever mother your child as well as you can, as well as you are. No one else could let your child’s love and light shine through the way you do. No one else could mother your dead child as bravely. No one else could carry this unrelenting burden as courageously. It is the heaviest, most torturous burden there is.
There is no one, no one, no one who could ever, ever replace you. No one. You were chosen to be your child’s mother. Yes—chosen. And no one could parent your child better in life or in death than you do. You have within you a sacred strength.
You are the mother of all mothers.
So breathe, mama, keep breathing. Believe, mama, keep believing. Fight, mama, keep fighting for this truth to uproot the lies in your heart—you didn’t fail. Not even a little..."
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6 people hearted this
Carol Egan
By Carol Egan
There is no explanation for what happened. I know that is not comforting, but please do no think you did something to deserve this. Your tears are shared by God. God did not want this to happen to you. We who don't even know you are continuing to pray. May you find some comfort and peace.
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1 person hearted this
Lanny Quinn
By Lanny Quinn
Your right, there are no words to describe what you are all going through...it's a new normal that no one wants...stay with each other as a new way of life emerges...those girls will be a part of your life forever, and I believe will walk with you as your life goes on. Hug those around you. You all remain in my thoughts and prayers, as that is simply the best I can do. Take Care.
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2 people hearted this
Lynda French
By Pete & Lynda French
What a nice homecoming with so many there. It is so hard and sad to deal with such loss. God is with all of you and you have my prayers.
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1 person hearted this