Thursday, June 18, 2009

Thank You Notes

As always, Kara is my inspiration. She was meticulous about ‘Thank You’ notes.  She literally never failed at it. Holidays, birthdays, showers, you name it. Each note was done with loving care, and so many details attended to, yet at the same time she could churn them out like Model-T’s. It was impressive. A few days after we got back from our honeymoon the living room of our apartment at 886 Briarcliff looked like the shipping department for the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

I feel like I owe so many people at the very least that measure of gratitude. It is imperative for me to make clear my total appreciation for what has been shown to my family. Kara’s service was attended by hundreds of people; there have been hundreds of cards, thousands of posts on Kara’s blog, prayer vigils, and donations to causes important to Kara. People have brought dozens of meals, people have offered their time to babysit, driven for hours to have play dates with the girls, cleaned our house, ran errands, raked our leaves, and on and on and on. There were people who came to our aid with their own breast milk. Our friends, our neighbors, our family have shown us in such stunning detail and clarity the true beauty inherent within humanity. That is such a rare gift. So often we are forced to look upon the lesser demons of our nature, with our wars, oppression, hatred, materialism, and apathy. My blessing is that I have been witness to the most profound display of courage, sacrifice, generosity, compassion, kindness and love that any person could imagine. I have Kara to thank for that, I have my daughters to thank for that, and I have you all to thank for that.

Please forgive me but I find it’s a little overwhelming presently. Over time I will see to it that I thank everyone individually with some meaningful gesture, a card or otherwise. Kara really, really, would want me to do that. So I will. Probably not going to be on the schedule she would like though. Grief is hard. Not as hard as cancer, not even close, but still very hard. It will take Kara’s family a long time to recover. Our loss is staggering, devastating, and will always be felt.

Nonetheless I feel like over the last few days that I am starting to emerge out of a fog, and I’m becoming more able to see things and do things. So that’s good. People always ask how the girls are doing. “As well as can be expected,” is my usual response. They are in pain, but children process things very differently than adults. So when we see grieving children playing and acting normally, laughing, singing and dancing, we wish so much to assume that they are not suffering. But they are.  When that reality is fully confronted then out come the trite, bumper-sticker philosophies our minds employ to apply a glossy sugar coating. “Children are resilient,” or “It would be worse if they were older,” or things to that effect we summon to shield our minds from this unspeakable loss that these children must endure.

But again Kara is my compass rose. She would deal with things in the most forthright and direct way possible. And so that’s how I address this and every other issue the girls and I will face as I raise them. I will do everything that is needed to see that these amazing little girls can become everything they are meant to be. One of those things is fully confronting the reality that the healing process for these children will take many years. Likewise, as they grow there will be many decisions to make and at those times I will miss Kara sorely. However, a very wise person recently reminded me that with children, if things are done with love, then parents usually get some latitude. So I take comfort in that and I also take comfort in the love and support of our friends and family that I know will always be there for Miranda, Scarlett and I.

So again I want to offer my most heartfelt thanks to all who have prayed for us, wept with us, and stood by us through this ordeal. I can never repay such a debt though I will spend the rest of my days trying. I also apologize if your thank you note is accompanied by some sort of appeal to participate in or donate to one of Kara’s causes. I know that taking up the work that became so important to Kara will be a big part of the healing process for me and the girls. So thank you once again.

Much Love,

Bob