It seems as though I have been trying to compose this message in my head for months now, but I simply have not had the stamina to actually write all my thoughts down. There are days when it seems that I can do no more than to silently utter in the depth of my soul… “I’m still here Lord.” I know that in this simple act of reverence, God hears me and says, “Be still and know…be still and know.”
At Justin’s Celebration of Life Service we sang, “He gives and takes away. He gives and takes away. My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name.” In recent months I feel as though I have lived these words to the utmost degree. We know that God does indeed sometimes choose to “take away.” I miss my beloved husband so much. I feel there is not a word to accurately describe the miss I feel for Justin…the miss we all feel for him. The absence of Justin’s presence is noticed in abundance by all. His humor (which quite often stemmed around me!), witty conversation, and leadership are yearned for but will never be forgotten. These are just a few of the greatly missed characteristics that defined Justin as a kind and gentle human being.
While those words ring so loudly in my heart I am thankful that I can also hear the melody of the God who also chooses to give so that we might experience the beauty He has to offer us. In June the Bousema family was blessed with little Tate Justin, and about a month ago the Raman family welcomed home beautiful Ethiopian twins…pink and blue…how blessed we are to have received into our family a boy and a girl. Our very close friends, Cory and Janelle are going to make their son Braxton a big brother around Christmas time. Likewise, Bob and Bonita are going to make their daughter Olivia a big sister in March. I have only joy in my heart for all of these little blessings God is giving us. I can just imagine Justin beaming with pride!
I have started another school year teaching seventh grade language arts in Sheldon, and I can only say that I have the best kids! The people I work with are incredible individuals who are passionate about what they do. I am so thankful for all of these caring people. I am again teaching Sunday school and will be soon dipping my toe into helping with worship planning. I was able to sing at two weddings this summer and a few baptisms. Justin and I used to sing together so often, and at times it brings me both sadness and joy at the same time to think about those memories. I am also busy working on some projects in memory of my beloved. I hope to post pictures once I get some of them completed. Our church families have also been incredibly supportive. Justin is greatly missed in the day to day happenings of the church. He was enthusiastic about his work and schooling. When I go to church and long to see him behind the pulpit preaching or singing praises next to me I can’t help but be reminded that he is worshipping in the holy of holies- how incredible it must be for him.
As I have stated before in other posts Justin and I were very aware of the possible outcomes of his illness. We both knew he was very sick. Before Justin died he had conversations with some our close relatives and friends. My husband did his best to love me as much as Christ loves the church, and he wanted to make sure that if the Lord called him home, I would be fully supported. He was not worried for himself. I remember my husband telling me that he wanted to live, and he was going to fight with everything in him, but he knew that if the Lord’s will was different than ours- he was going to heaven…and he knew he was going to love it when he got there. In that aspect he did not worry for himself…he worried for me and for all of those he loved. I know Justin would be so grateful to know that I have been covered in prayer and have been overwhelmingly loved by family, friends and strangers alike. Thank you to all of you whether I know you by name or not.
Most importantly I thank my Lord. I just recalled the other night the very moment that Justin let go of my hand here on earth and took a hold of the hand of Christ. I cried out and screamed, “Oh Lord, give him a glorious homecoming…hold us now, Lord, hold us now.” I can not tell you the countless times in the past five months that I have over and over again cried out and said, “Hold me now, Lord.” Every time I have beseeched Him of that request He has answered…and in the midst of sorrow I have felt His comfort. It is the comfort that I know can only come from El Shaddai- the God almighty. I pray that you might also feel that kind of comfort in your life.
I believe that God has a purpose for all of our lives just as he did for Justin’s life. I feel convicted to tell my husband’s story of servitude and faithfulness in whatever way God will open a door for me to do so. I believe God used Justin in ways which can never be measured by human standards. I believe God STILL wants to use the story of the life He asked Justin to live. Therefore, how can I be silent? In doing so I hope God will give me the words to encourage others to say the prayer that Justin so often prayed… “Use me Lord.”
As I end this long over due update I encourage you to fall face down before the God who gives and takes away, and with humility and brokenness say, “Lord, I’m still here. Hold me now. Use me if it be Your will.”
May God bless and keep you always,
Bethany
