I am not sure what drew me here today. I look back over the websites of the people whose illnesses I used to follow. It got to where I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't. Either I suffered the incredible envy of watching those who got better continue on....or I suffered the incredible bereft emotions of seeing the same pictures of the same children that I was looking at 10-12 years ago and who have passed away. It still stings.

Sometimes I cannot believe all we went through. In the middle of it, the whole picture just isn't there. It is day, by day, by day. The emotional toll. The financial hardships. The constant battle of hope against reality. The burning memories of Joseph's suffering. Sometimes I wonder why we did all we did. Others I wonder why we stopped. The days of nightmares are over. I no longer dream he is still at the hospital waiting. He has come to see me  in dreams and small signs; I do not much care if they are "real" by anyone else's estimation. They are real to me and bring me comfort and that is enough.

I have done a lot since Joseph left us. I could not, cannot imagine seeing him again and telling him I quit living after his death. It would make no sense, to give up on my own life because his was stolen from him. Instead I dug into the meat of it. I have earned 4 degrees since Joseph passed away, becoming the first woman in my family to earn a graduate degree. I have worked as a nurse and seen the other side of the bed. The understanding I have gained of medical treatment, its limitations and the human beings just doing the best they can to care for other human beings has been eye-opening. I harbor no bitterness. Just the wistfulness of wondering where and how my Joseph is.

Nick is turning 23 in a few weeks. Alex is 19. I wonder sometimes if they will ever read this journal and get a better idea of how it was then, when they both were still so young. I hope if they do it gives them a sense of how loved they were and are. Life goes on. Life is good and I am a good person in it. I love my boys, my husband, my opportunities. I would not be who I am now if Joseph had not been who he was. He is so much a part of me and changed so many fundamentals of my world view.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD since Joseph died and the greatest casualty has been my memory. I remember so little of who was there, writing, gifting, donating, supporting. Please know that I thank you. I thank you from the very depths of my soul.