God's playing games with me again!

It's been a crazy month, that I can say for sure. Leukemia may no longer be an issue, but that hasn't meant there's been an absence of illness or trials by fire in the Taylor household. The kids have taken turns with stomach bugs and bronchitis. Still yet, the physical challenges aren't the real issue here. My 15 year old son is having some really serious psychological and emotional issues. Those coming to head, on the heels of mom's major lessons and test in transformation while out in CA, really has created a pretty extraordinary month of March. So, if by chance you've wondered about my whereabouts, real life has beckoned and asked me to engage in LIVING FULLY!

For the first time in a long time, I have outlasted the children and am wide awake. My husband is out of town and the kiddos are either out with friends or in bed asleep. I have been exhausted, as I refuse to give up my early morning workouts, stay busy with their needs and schedules all day, and collapse into bed once everyone is safely at home for the evening (sometimes before, if DH is with them)

I've been doing alot of inner work. Seeking answers to questions posed through the assignments (related to Bill Phillips Transformation program, www.transformation.com) as well as from life's recent experiences. I must say, I've asked God to ease up with his "pruning shears". Even though I know He will never cut me too far back to recover. Experience has proven I'm stronger every time I do. However, I'm ready for the pruning to stop and the blossoming and renewal that comes with Spring to occur within me, just as it's about to in nature.

I have been conteplating and staying up with assignments but have not penned all of them. Tonight I wrote out assignment 11.

What do you really want?
To glorify God and serve Him and all of His creation. To live fully, to give the best of me, and LOVE with every action, word and deed.

What are you willing to give up to get it?
EXPECTATIONS!
I need to let go of how I expect to be understood. It really is quite impossible for anyone to understand me. All of me. I've been allowing myself to be held back because of my need to be understood 100% of the time, by 100% of the people I encounter. It's not going to happen and I need to be completely okay with that. I need to not be affected when others don't get me, don't support me, and maybe not even like me. (especially since I've finally determined God loves me no matter what, and so do I - WOW that was along time coming and feels so really good, GREAT!)

EXPECTATIONS!
I need to let go of how I expect the future to unfold. I can't rush my vision; God's vision. The one that's been placed in my heart, my soul and my head by our Heavenly Father and Creator. I'm to participate in it, not dictate how quickly it happens. If I just do my part, God will do the rest. He's been very loud and clear on this lately. I have had a problem running when He says walk and walking when He says run. I will get in sync with Him eventually. The sooner I stop expecting and just start experiencing, the sooner I will know peace and joy AGAIN. I really want to return to that.

EXPECTATIONS!
I need to let go of how I expect others to embrace transformation. Everyone is entitled to their life, their choices, and at what pace they do the work - or choose not to. It doesn't serve God, me, or anyone else, when I expect too much from my role in someone else's transformation or too much from someone else's role in mine. People can't change people. My example is the best gift I have; the best way I can serve. I need to move forward, doing my work, and leave it to God and his other children how they do theirs.

LIVING IN THE MOMENT! IF YOU ARE FULLY PRESENT - YOU ARE EXPERIENCING, NOT EXPECTING!!!

I've expected things to happen differently and quicker than they have. Expectations of the future have robbed me of my present. Everytime I speak, I share the importance of embracing the gift of TODAY, yet I've managed to see I've stopped walking the talk. It's time to let go of expecting and return to experiencing!!! I read this week that "shortcuts stroke our ego and garner immediate gratification. The downside of shortcuts is their deception for a faster way may be shortcircuiting God's best. If you rush throught the process, regardless of how painful or exhausting, you may miss God's best. Have faith in God (and I certainly do!) that He is facilitating His will, even if some of your questions remain unanswered. He's got your back, even though the enemy may be breathing down your neck and whispering words of doubt" (excerpt from Seeking Daily the Heart of God, by Boyd Bailey)I've let go and returned back to the bliss that comes with surrender. How many times must I be taught the same lesson over and over again? Poor lil booger. (my husband's pet name for me when I'm slow or challenged to understand something - aka - an airhead :)


I may be tired, but no amount of fatigue or trial will take away my ability and smile and laugh at myself. I consider it a gift that I'm so easily humored by my silly lil thoughts and analogies. Just this week, I relayed to one of my accountability group members that I felt like God was playing red light/green light with me to teach me a lesson. Not in a mean, malicious way, but in a funloving, creative way. I will always be as a child, His child, and embrace however it is He decides to mold me. Red light/green light is better than the heat in the kiln, lol.

Still in the Potter's Hands,

Denise