I woke up this morning to Adam Lambert's verson of "Mad World" in my head. If you've ever heard him sing that song, you know that it is haunting yet beautiful and sad. I wondered to myself what my day was going to be like today when I woke up to a song like that in my head, only to find out that a client of ours' son had passed away yesterday. He had medulloblastoma (brain tumor) and was diagnosed three years ago, shortly after Jonah. Chuck and I have been following their cancer journey through their web site and it was apparent from their last few entries that his time was near. But even knowing what the end result is going to be, it still is not easy.

Most days I won't even let my mind go to that dark place of thinking about losing a child. It's too difficult and scary. I can't even fathom or even try to understand what it is like to lose a child. We recently had the Relay for Life in Zionsville a couple of weekends ago and I was reading in the Zionsville Times Sentinel about a lady who was a breast cancer survivor. She said that the only thing worse than having cancer is having a child who has it.

I'm hoping that writing this journal entry will help me get on with my day. My heart is breaking for this family, but they have such a strong faith in our Lord that I know they will get through it. As a mother though, my heart aches for this mother. I can't wrap my brain around how hard it would be to watch your child take their last breath and it truly makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. I don't know if I'm so upset because their story is all to real to me or because I know that this world has lost another child to cancer or maybe both. I don't know.

Today I'm thankful that I have two healthy, happy children. I thank them for the happiness that they have brought to my heart and to my life. There isn't anything that I love more in this world than Jonah and Charlee.

Edited to add: It's been about 20 minutes ago that I wrote this entry and I had to tell you all something that happened after I wrote this. I finished writing the journal entry and I looked out the window and was thinking about things. Right in front of our window, we have a big bradford pear tree and about 1/4 of it came down in a storm about a week ago so now we have a big hole in it.

While I was looking outside at this beautiful tree and the big hole in it, I saw a bright red cardinal sitting in the tree looking at me. Three years ago a little boy from Chuck's hometown, Nolan Kane, passed away from leukemia and every time I see a cardinal, I think of him (because he liked the St. Louis Cardinals). If our tree hadn't fallen down, I wouldn't have been able to see this cardinal but he just sat there on his branch and looked at me as if to say that things will be okay. About ten minutes after I saw him, another cardinal landed in the tree and that's when I decided that I wanted to blog about this experience. I came back to Jonah's web site to write about it and looked back out of the window and both of them were gone.