HAPPY 5th BIRTHDAY JOEL!
Unable to sleep this night I came to the computer to see if anything was there to write.. and it was.. for an hour...and after an hour of writing my computer suddenly shut down (as I guess it does every night at 3:00am...)Hate when that happens...
But my thoughts are still toward my little boy... a big 5 year old now. I miss him so much that I see all the 5 year old little boys wherever we go.. and look in them for some of Joel.. and think, what color hair would you have now Joel? How big would you be after a bone marrow transplant? What would your baby teeth look like at 5? What would your sense of humor be like by now? Oh how I miss your little giggle..
Would you like to ride a trike? Your black truck that just sits outside now? Would Jake be pushing you around in it?Or would you want to ride a horse with me, or ride by yourself? Maybe you would beg me to take you to Ana's riding lesson to see all the animals at her barn? Or lay on the floor with Aiden and Owen and watch their lizards eat the crickets? Would you be loving it as they patiently taught you how to ride a skateboard?
Or maybe you would be so quiet, hiding, with your other cousins building forts, painting and coloring with Jane and Lauren and dressing up Kitties in the buggy,? Or maybe you would be hanging out with Joe in his room talking about things as he taught you the finer points of spying and dressing up in camo?
Or maybe you would rather be imitating your oldest brother Andrew's cop uniform and dress up in the badge and other police equipment he gave to you? Would you have the cap gun figured out by now? Would you two be 'shooting' each other and practice the handcuffs... or just be so silly that you watch him in awe as he gets so goofy?
Or would you rather be out on Jack and Joe's driveway learning basketball rules ...or going to their basketball games now? Would you still clap each time either team made a basket like you always did at your brother Luke's bball games? Would you be clapping in amazement at your brother Luke's ball handling skills out on the driveway, then come in and snuggle on the couch with him with the hugs and wrestling? Oh Joel....
Would you still like to walk in the woods, ride on your uncles shoulders - or would you rather be wrestling and/ 'boxing' with your Opa? Or playing games with Tom and Jackie?
Would you like going again on the airplane to California to visit your Opapa and Tillie and Evan's family? Watching dolphins and sunsets, still love walking the beach and digging in the sand, and feed the pesky sea gulls??? Maybe try your turn with dad and Whitney with the surfboards? Me with the camera...
Would you still like to be chased around the kitchen by your dad and Whitney, laughing so hard you would fall down? Would you still pose for pictures for Juli as she dresses you up in different hats? Would you still love to throw yourself backwards into Hannah's big fluffy comforter, laughing and saying 'again'? Would you still love to smell flowers, chase butterflies and watch dad feed the front porch toad? Would you still bury your head in my shoulder when the cold wind blew in your face?
Most of all Joel, I wonder if you would still be my little prayer partner, wanting to pray for all those sad or crying? Would you still sign 'Jesus' to yourself and for prayer? What kind of dancer and worshiper would you be by now? Would you still take my face in your hands and tell me to pray as you look directly into my eyes? I believe you would my son.....
Would I still wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to sleep? Would I go into your room just to watch you sleep and give thanks, in His Presence, for giving me such a wonderful little boy? Would we kneel to say bedtime prayers? Would I have to say, 'no more books' and 'go to sleep now Joel'... or would I fall asleep snuggling you most nights? Would you wake up like Whitney used to and come into our bed to snuggle and get warm in the middle of the night? Would I hold you close and breathe you in, your hair, your sweaty head smell, and rub your palms like your sister Juli has always liked...or lightly scratch your arms like Lukey likes? Oh these birthdays without you here are hard...not enough memories to choose from...
These days are days when there is no stopping the flow of tears as the 'missing' is so great it makes my heart hurt. We all feel it. That is why we all like to gather together on his birthday..the Lord is still able to speak to me in the midst of the pain and even tonight he told me, "Tina, you can focus on what you don't have, or focus on what you do have" Very gentle, but firm. Not that he minds the tears as I believe He cries many more tears with us when we cry... He understands our mourning and grieving and His WOrd says He 'weeps with those who weep'...and 'there is a season for everything...' I know it will pass. Because he is faithful - this I KNOW and trust. This cycle of grief that is unique to each of us. He raises me from the dust and breathes His Life and Love into me time and time again...so very gentle, so very sweet and tender He has been with me. And He so desires to be this with every one of us. For us to come to Him.. to carve out Time just for Him.. To listen for his heartbeat, his whisperings, time to just soak in His Presence - no agenda, only to Be with Him. This I am learning so well because when you experience more of Him - you just want it! Kind of addicting... more like He becomes your lifeline. And the Joy comes in the morning!!
Going to church last night just to worship - nothing else. For two glorious hours. Just to Be in His Presence. (If you live here and missed it you won't want to next month!)... but in that time, hiding nothing from Him, so sad that we would be together but not my Hannah - as she is in NC... just so sad about that. Missing her so so much the past weeks. Knowing I would have to wait until Christmas. Sharing all of that with my Love while in worship.. -(the most intimate kind of prayer there is...) and when I got home I had another phone call from Hannah... and she told me to pick her up from the airport this mornig at 9:00!! While I was crying and pouring my heart out, God was working it out and moved on the heart of her friend to convince her, help her, find a decent flight here for the weekend! God is so good... He has answered a cry of my heart..and for that the tears fall again - in gratefulness. So good to me! He is teaching me all the time..
Afte our family gathering for Joel's birthday, Dave and I are leaving for Israel for two weeks and will celebrate our anniversary there.. with Sid Roth. (Thanks Jackie Foss for sending me his website that I now subscribe to"It's Supernatural")
I also want to say thank you to Colleen for sending me the new Steven Curtis Chapman CD. Powerful it is. He lost his little 5 year old girl in May 2008.. if you have lost a chid or know someone who has I would suggest you get it for them or yourself.. It is called 'Beauty Will Rise'.
And thank you Krohns -Lauren, Ben, Abby ,Scott and Kelle for the precious card..I love the coloring on it!!:)
And to everyone who has called, texted, and written CB and FB messages and emails.. thank you for remembering and taking the time to tell us that. It means so much to me.
I continue to read the caring bridge everyday even though I don't post very often...I may just do that from Israel though.. I will have to see what the schedule is like.. I love the body of Christ!! I will try to post a picture of Joel's vey special cake someone is making for this day -tomorrow...
Onward~
