I don't know why exactly, but I visited the Caringbridge tonight. And I also don't know why exactly I'm writing another one of these. I'm sitting here, in my apartment in Chicago, thinking about where life has taken me and where it might take me into the future and I guess I just felt a need to express myself somewhere.

I think that I chose the CaringBridge because it's been two years since the accident and I can't imagine that anyone remembers me or anything about it unless they were truly connected to it. This makes me sad in some ways. Mostly, I think about G and how people don't talk about him anymore. I'm surprised at the little ball of bitterness that rolls around in my stomach when I think about it.

I've just started school this year in Chicago. I was looking forward to starting somewhere with a clean slate, where I wasn't known as that poor girl who was in that horrible bus accident. Unfortunately, that didn't work out as well as I hoped. But, to some extent, it has worked. I've been doing my best to try and lay low and not bring up that time in my life at all, because I just can't bear to have to explain it to someone who has no idea. The very few whom I have confided in (a total of 2) said something to me that both troubles and hurts me.

They told me that they don't think it would be a big deal if people at school knew about it.

Now, this is partly my fault, but I've started to think about the accident as my dirty little secret that will explode if it gets out to the wrong people (you must understand, I go to an extremely small school that thrives on talking about each other). My two confidantes both say that it wouldn't be quite so dramatic, nothing more than, "Oh, did you hear about Jessi Mac, that freshman? She was in a really bad accident a few years ago."

I realized that that's not what I want either. I don't want it to be a dramatic revelation for the student body at large but I don't want the scope of the situation to be lost. I just don't want anyone to know. I don't want them to know about G especially. If they couldn't even sympathize with my crippled body and my broken smile then they could never come close to understanding the insurmountable loss that has been suffered in losing him.

The founder of my school died on October 16th as well. Hm...

The other day was incredibly long for me. I haven't felt so bitter and upset in a long time, and never about the accident and events related to it. I've tried so hard to keep my attitude positive, but for some reason, that day just made me realize how complex and difficult my life has been made and I was desperate for a scapegoat.

But the holidays are almost here and I just feel like there is some healing waiting to happen before the semester starts up again. I don't expect that there will be any visitors to this site, which is why I chose to share here instead of on a social network, but just in case, (as I saw 2 more recent postings in the guestbook) I would like to say thank you again for your support. I hope your lives have moved on, and I wish you a happy holiday season.