I haven't blogged in awhile because there hasn't been much to blog on.

I've been keeping myself very very busy since my last chemo treatment. All I can say is freedom. My hair is growing back. I feel empowered and ready to take on life once again.

It's been a really hard struggle up to this point. I've lost what I felt I had a firm grip on. I was broken down to the absolute primal make up of my humanity. Left to rebuild what I was left with. To make "lemonade" with the "lemons" I was given.

Yeah. I have three large scars that are very obvious on my chest. My hair is gone. I'm not as sure of myself. I am a bit more anxious in social situations than I was before. My mom and I got into a discussion of how I am the "same"...but that's impossible. I can never go back to how I was before.

Anyway,as to what I've been up to. This weekend was a busy one. The boys had a grand ol' time outside. Richard and I sat outside and watched a beautiful lightning storm. It was paradise. We had our tiki torches lit. Casted a luminescent glow around us as we watched the lightning and listend to the thunder. It was relaxing.

Of course,I got a really bad cold that just won't go away. ><

Today I went to the gym. I sat in the parking lot for about 15 minutes debating on whether or not to go in. I knew that this gym,being on base, would have bionic men huffing and puffing running that are used to running triathalons and such would be there. And here I am, pudgy with my hair less head covered in a pink bandana. Here is that social anxiety thing creeping in again. sigh...

So,I went in anyway. I was on the elliptical for 30 minutes then realized I wanted to get on the treadmil. Uh oh,too late. Two skinny chicks walk in. That was it for me in that aerobic room. I went to the neighboring aerobic room and met Michelle. Her older sister is currently going through chemotherapy. I made a new friend! We're going to go work out tomorrow morning. Which is definitely something I'm looking forward too.

I put my wig on, make up on, and dressed up in cute clothes. I felt really good today. My energy has been returning big time.

Well, onto my treatments. I've decided to not go through with the Taxol treatment. It would have been a weekly treatment for 12 weeks. Then I would have gone on the herceptin for a year. I'm still doing the Herceptin,just not the taxol. Long explanation short, it's not in my best interest. That's of course,my opinion. But I've weighed my risks and benefits of continuing and discontinuing. This is the best choice for me. I've never once regretted any of the choices I've made thus far. Contrary to asshole beliefs (you know who you are) What I've done up to this point has been exactly what I need and what is good for me.

I wont' stray from that. It's just not the same decision a lot of other people would make. I'm taking a risk, I know that. But I don't feel it's right to sacrifice time with my kids while they're this age and need me to be there for them.

They won't need me as much later on in life. I can take the time out to go through grueling and taxing chemo treatments. And not worry about leaving my young children without their mother for weeks at a time. anyway, that wasn't such a short explanation but it's the best I can explain.

My parents would rather me take the other route and do the taxol treatments. Well, I'm going to try one treatment. If it knocks me on my ass and keeps me from taking care of my kids, sorry. Won't do it.

My tumor markers are nil. They're normal. My oncologist pretty much told me my cancer is gone. The deciding factor for my chemo treatments was my age. because I'm so darn young.