I Have Never Been So Alone. . . Oh Divine Mother June 25, 2009
“You have journeyed to the center of your soul, confronted the ‘Death Goddess’ and wiggled yourself back into the arms of the Great Mother for renewal.” (Amulets of The Goddess Nancy Blair, p. 134)
Dear Family and Friends,
Monday evening Joyce started our telephone counseling session saying how hurt she was that I had given Barry the credit for saying, “Anne, be gentle with yourself.” Barry backed her up. I was stunned. This could not be any further from the truth. I had shared this with other mentees, always giving Joyce credit. Barry said could it be that it was like the mother who brags about her child to others after the fact. NO They went on to say that I am constantly acknowledging Barry, not Joyce. During the counseling sessions in San Jose, for instance, I looked at Barry 95% of the time. I stood my ground, but. . . For the next 45 minutes we tried to work on this, talking about my relation to my mother and father, brothers, and our adult children, but not really getting anywhere, at least as far as I was concerned. I did stand my ground, but I felt a wall between us. I was in tears. When Barry said that I was judging myself to harshly, it clicked. During the session on Thursday I had acknowledged Barry for pointing out how I judge myself. But I said it after he had repeated Joyce’s words. The time was up for the session. I asked to go on, but they could not. Barry could not meet until next week, but Joyce had an appointment the next day. I took it.
Trying to get some equilibrium, I watched TV for the next several hours, to no avail. When I finally went to bed, it all came back. I was devastated. (I remember in college saying that my work was working with Martin Buber’s “I-Thou” relationship. Communication was, is and always will be so important to me.) And now there was a wall between Barry and Joyce and me, two of our favorite people. I sat in bed sobbing. I had never been so alone. I got up screaming, “It’s not fair. It’s not fair. Everyone needs a partner, someone.” I was shaking. I sat on the couch in our bedroom and called out to Our Divine Mother. My call became my prayer. “Oh Divine Mother, hold me as a newborn baby girl.” And later, “May Joyce and I do our Sacred Work today.” I knew I had journeyed to the center of my soul, confronted the “Death Goddess” and wiggled myself back into the arms of the Great Mother for renewal. Soon afterwards I went to sleep in Her Everlasting Arms.
What have I learned? We meet the Death Goddess alone, But Our Divine Mother is always with us, all we need to do is ask Her. Where was Harry, you might ask? I knew He was there, but He was standing a distance away. This was my Work. I had to face the “Death Goddess” alone. Interesting that She is called the “Death Goddess.” For. at this time, the reality of Harry’s death and my aloneness touched my soul very deeply.
Tuesday I struggled all day. I was determined to work with Joyce on this during our counseling call. Joyce asked about bringing Harry in. I said that I wanted to say the meditation. I said the one I had said in the middle of the night. “Oh Divine Mother, be with Joyce and me as we do Our Sacred Work together. Help us be gentle with ourselves. Hold us like newborn baby girls. We give thanks.” Joyce wanted to go first saying that she understood our miscommunication. I said that the night had been one of the hardest that I had ever had. I never had felt so alone. I told her that I went to Our Divine Mother praying the prayer with which I had started our session. She told me how beautiful it was. I could tell she had been deeply touched. We worked on how alone I had felt. She had Barry to back her, but I had no one. “Oh Anne I should have worked with you alone. Barry is so good, so strong, but he overepowers the feminine.” She got it in a very deep way! And what did I get? I Know that I am held like a newborn baby girl in the Everlasting Arms of Our Divine Mother and that I can go there anytime I need Her.
And in this Now as I am writing, I hear Our Divine Mother say, “Ananya, you and Joyce are two of My Earth Angels. You both just made huge steps. Before we can join with the divine masculine energy, we need to really know our divine feminine energy separately from the masculine. That is why Harry had to stand aside and let you do your Work alone. Working with the Divine Feminine Energy is your Sacred Work that you both are doing in your unique ways. Ananya, I thank you for how conscious of our feminine energy you are becoming. And I humbly receive her acknowledgment as I acknowledge Joyce’s Sacred Life’s Work with Our Divine Mother.
We treasure each of you, both you feminine and masculine.
Love and Blessings to each of you,
Anne, Harry & Our Angels and Our Divine Mother
