It's been several months since I've written-although I mark the passing days in many other ways. Since March, Mary had a baby-little emily-I went down to San Diego because I felt an overwhelming need to be there, in her first days of life, to hold her, and to see their healthy family. I've been traveling for work and had the opportunity to visit family in New York. I haven't been there in several years and had never met their kids. Their healthy families, with all the normal issues that normal families deal with, made me feel somewhat balanced. Visiting with Peter and Helga showed me two things-that I can and will live for my other child-he is a reason to survive-but that I will never recover from losing Harrison. I guess survival and to be here for Lucas is a tangible goal and maybe the tangible goals are what I need. Lately I've stopped thinking about driving my car off the road or hoping I'll go to bed at night and not wake up. I guess that's progress.... I look for things outside myself, normal things, to bother myself with. And work, working hard, and focusing on the needs of the job also distract. A small escape and something only for me-there doesn't seem to be much else like that in my life right now. Lucas is making an incredible transition-one that Harrison never got the opportunity to experience. He's growing (although still tiny). He's finally getting too tall for his size 2 clothes-although they still fit around the waist! He's extremely emotional-full of piss and vinegar one second and then capable of the most sincere and heart melting sweetness the next. He's talking up a storm, in fact, saying whatever comes to mind, usually reserving the most offensive things for the least opportune moments-like yelling out "THE FOOD IN HERE IS YUCKY!!!" at a favorite local restaurant or announcing "SCUSE ME, I FARTED!! giggle giggle....Harrison is present every day in so many ways. Lucas asks for him every day and we discuss, to the best of our ability, what we can. Usually with simple answers and no elaboration. "Can I borrow Manong's shirt?" Yes, but not THAT one (we have all of Harrison's things in his dresser, along with his special blanket, dragon, turtoo, and the dog with the signatures from his 2nd birthday-Lucas likes to look in there to find special things of Harrison's to wear) "Can Manong play with me today?" No, not today. "Can we visit Manong in the hospital?" No, Manong isn't in the hospital. Questions like that and he usually spares us the scarier questions like "Where is he?" or "When will he come home?" Those questions are, no doubt, not that far behind....at work I am always saying we need to be prepared for the hard questions...at home, I'm still putting that off. The weather appears to finally be turning summery-and Lucas begins swim class on Monday. Jack and Pat are in town and we have a full weekend with family planned. OJ is working and Lucas and I are heading out to walk Willy. Have a beautiful night.
