Journal
Erlend Bjorkoy's
Journal
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Written Jan 7, 2011 5:56pm
Thank you! The last entry to Erlend's Caringbridge...
It all came down to today. I woke up and ate breakfast. Not long after Erlends father and I took a trip to the church Erlend was already laying in. As soon as I walked into the church and saw his coffin, I cried. After a few minutes there we went down to Erlends grave sight that was being dug up as we looked upon. We were not there long before we had to get back to his home.
Once back at the in-laws house, it was time to get everyone ready to go back. To put today into words would take more words than I can find in the dictionary, more time than I have on earth and pull at my heart. I will however try to sum it up.
We arrived an hour early, but time meant nothing really. People were constantly coming in and having Erlend's body so near brought many memories constantly flowing. The organ started about 20 minutes before and played very nicely as folk continued to come in. By the time the ceremony started I'd like to think that as I sat in front, 300 stood behind me. (Most sat, but some did have to stand) I sadly did not get to greet or even see all of the people that were there, but I felt the support,power and love from them all. I wish I could have hugged you all!
The ceremony itself was captured on dvd. However it was beautiful. The music,the speeches, the warmth was very much in honor of Erlend. People were there from every walk of life to Erlend from childhood to adult. Many were represented such as different schools, family and even a nurse from the hospital and even our home nurse.
When we walked out of the church, the sun was shining over the sea and the ground with newly fallen snow. It was a beautiful sight as well as the parade of people following Erlends coffin. As Erlends body was lowered, I slid my wedding ring off my finger and put it next to Erlends ring around my neck;near my heart. Erlend can R.I.P.
After we were quickly driven to the place where we were to celebrate Erlend's life. This too will be found on dvd. It was full of music,memories and enough food to feed anyone who wanted to come which came out to be over half of the attendants at the church. Ruben and I were given many beautiful gifts that we will come to cherish for years...generations to come. (Including a cd of a live recording of Erlend and pictures) Erlends MAC computer helped provide the slideshow of Erlend as well. This I know would have pleased him, We manage technology without him. ;)
The "party" was a great way to honor Erlend. Erlend has had it tough, but he was loved by many. He touched many. There was no doubt about this by those who were there. I did miss having my dear Erlend help me remember who everyone was though. I also miss getting to go to him after such an event to reflect on it. He was who I talked to. I will always love him. A part of me was buried with him and I thank him for the part of him he left behind for me.
Once over, the place clean the good byes said we left. We sat and read every card that came in. Most went to Erlends parents, but Ruben and I had some to us as well. It was amazing to read and a sweet way to end the ceremony for Erlend. Before the night was over we found out we collected over 60,000kr for Cancer research. ($9342) Erlend would have been so shocked over this. He lived hoping to see the break through. Thank you all for your support in helping Erlends dream maybe for someone else come true.
Thank you for the verbal support that has come from this blog. Many times Erlend would ask me to read the comments from here or his facebook. He needed the support and he got it.
Erlend..this blog was for you. Erlend...this blog was for people to get to know you better. It was for people to understand another side of cancer. Now, it is also for me and your nearest to hold on to the strength you have given us.
Erlend, I LOVE YOU! Thank you for everything you have given me and Ruben. I wish I knew how my heart could be better, but I know it will be. However, it will always have a place for you. It will always have a beat for you.
I will continue to write, but not here. This was for Erlend's fight against Leukemia. The cancer is now done. Now, Ruben and I will attempt to focus on many of the unlimited joys we can find. (unlimitedjoys.wordpress.com) This is not a shameless plug, but rather a reminder to my family and friends where you can find me if you still need to remember not only to be strong, but to enjoy the little things in life. (Or just plain curious about other peoples lives) ;) Now starts a new life, a new chapter for Ruben and I.
To end this blog and the years that are now behind us, I will repeat my speech I gave in the church. It's simple, to the point and more importantly...it was for Erlend.Hei. Først må jeg sier tusen takk til alle som er her. Men det jeg skal sier nå er til Erlend. Vi brukt engelsk sammen. Håper det går bra.
Erlend, the last time we had people here for us was our wedding. Look at everyone that came. Just think of the wedding gifts we would have had if we had gotten married later. However, we then would not have 7 wonderful years of marriage to reflect on.
During our marriage we had many experiences together. We had our ups and downs like any marriage would, but there is one aspect of You I want to speak about, your smile.
Our relationship started with your smile. The first time I saw your smile and knew it was for me, I was charmed.
The smile you had when you played the violin always enchanted me. This was to your benefit in our marriage since if I was ever mad at you for anything I always forgot it when I saw you play the violin with that smile. But no worries, the spell broke when you stopped playing. Yet we always got through. No matter what, when it came down to you and me, we got along. We did more than get along; we really completed each other. We understood each other on many levels.
For my over active ways, you were calm. When I wanted to sit in, you wanted to go out. If you thought no, I thought yes. We were so different in many ways, but it was that ying and yang that worked. Yet, when it came to the love of life and adventure, we shared views. We liked much of the same comedy and could sit on the couch for hours together. We were happy and you smiled.
I have proof. When you were sick, times changed. Your life was threatened. You had reason to focus on only the bad. However, together, we did not. Even though my blog I wrote was in my words it showed me something. When I did a search for the word sad, I found 38 results. Yet, when I searched happy, there were over 100 results.
Erlend, in our toughest years, we were happy. You used your time to play music, talk with friends, be with family and get to know me better. You smiled while fishing, making tacos, playing computer games or just plain joking around.
These past few months you asked for my help to keep you smiling. So I found you many clips on youtube night after night. Don’t ever forget Robin Williams on Who’s Line is it Anyway!
Your last smile for me was on your deathbed. I kissed you and whispered “I love you” and you had said “I like that. You can say it more”. And you smiled.
Your smile has touched many. More than are in this room. Your smile will live on in the hearts of many, including me. Ruben, your Daddy smiled for you. He loved you.
Thank you for the past 10 years together. Thank you for your spirit and energy that will live on in Ruben and the hearts of all you touched.
Erlend, thank you for letting me be your wife; and your welcome for letting you be my husband. Takk for meg!
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Written Jan 6, 2011 5:11pm
When I wrote last, I then realized it was January 6, Three Kings Day. I nearly forgot. Luckily there were gifts since packages had come in the mail. When Ruben awoke he was surprised that the Three kings came because he did not lay out any grass or water for them. I told I I did it after he went to sleep. He accepted that. ;)
Once he went to school, this was the first morning I did not have an out of the house errand to run. This of course led to thinking and this led to thinking or Erlend. Luckily I busied myself with preparing for the funeral and the US trip that by the time my brother in law came to help me with more practical things, I was on better footing.
We fixed some insurance stuff, phone things and house things. Other issues will be taken up mostly after I get back.
Ruben and I were later driven by my father in law (after Ruben was done with school and dinner) to the place we will be after the church. It was very nice. Oh how I wish I was going to be there WITH Erlend though, physically in his arms. He meant so much to me. More than my lousy speech is going to say. Even for a 5 minute speech I feel I say nothing even close to how I felt for Erlend. Luckily his life speech (Eulogy) is given before I speak so I really do not have to give his life. And yes I was very near him, but if its not on Caringbridge, then its our marital secrets. ;) I don't have to tell all. ;)
Now Ruben and I are at the inlaws prepared mostly for tomorrow. I really don't know what to expect. I wish I could have contributed more to it and the after part with more english/American ideas but thinking has not been the easiest now. I would have loved more of US in the ceremony, but I just don't know what to do and I could not stress with what to do. I have never lost a husband before. I have never lost the man I thought I would grow old with and raise a family with.
Now I prepare mentally for tomorrow. I must represent Erlend, make Ruben feel safe and for me...remember to breath and wear water proof mascara.
This blog has come to this. (Last tomorrow) It truly is a case of when one door closes, another one opens. I have no clue what lies beyond the next door, but I have no choice but to step through. There really is no conclusion to my story, but there is an ending to Erlends disease...and the maturing of both Erlend's wife and son. -
Written Jan 5, 2011 7:35pm
Erlend really made life easier for me to fix up again.
Today after Ruben was taken to school my father in law and I went to take care of business. The car is in my name, the house soon is and my plane tickets are finalized. (As well as a possible job offer for fall as a travel leader to Orlando)
Today was also the day we decided pictures for the coming event and all the "Quality of life" things in this house are now out that were loaned to Erlend like wheelchair,special table and other items.
When I picked up Ruben we ate dinner at home, he had a friend visit and it was tv time with chocolate after. However I fell asleep on the couch which meant (I debated admitting this) that Ruben put himself to sleep in bed. (I remember telling him to go to bed, but I was suppose to go with him.) I feel horrible. Ruben should not be going to bed alone during this time. I just was suddenly so tired. He does like to read first though and I must be prepared to make mistakes or feel guilty for small ones. I know this. I do promise to love him and be the best mother possible without being overly motherly. I have to find the balance. I know I am going to be overly judgemental of myself for a while when it comes to him. This is a process.
Not long after I awoke (and Ruben was already asleep) my phone rang. It was a friend who offered to come over however I was going to go to bed. Not long after the door rang with a visitor stopping by to drop off a donation. After that I was awake so I showered, called my grandparents,watched tv and ended up online.
I started to look at videos...and then my wedding video. I listened to Erlends speech to me. Needless to say I cried so hard it was hard to breath. However almost as quickly as it came, it stopped and I decided to use one of MACs new programs to make a "Movie trailer" of the video. It was definitely starters works, but it looked ok. The way we looked at each other at times, and the way we smiled was great to see again. He said he knew I was going to be a good wife and mother. Happy I can pause memories on my computer. I get to see us again.
Not long after a program came on tv (Penn and Teller) about young boy babys and their "area". It dawned on me how much I will have to teach Ruben about "boy" stuff. Oh Erlend, that WAS your job. Luckily after some internet research, there is nothing he needs to know right now.
Well maybe one thing: That he is loved!
(And this only includes the "area" of the heart for now thank goodness)
