I did it

I managed to sleep most of the last two nights back in our old bedroom, in our old bed.  For anyone reading the www.letterstoelias.wordpress.com website, you may have read that some wonderful friends took the girls the other day so I was able to have some time to myself.  I decided to take that time to clean and organize the bedroom and also make an altar of sorts for Elias’ ashes.  I hated the fact that the box was just sitting on the dresser amongst piles of books, magazines, ipod chargers, etc., but I hadn’t had the time or energy to do anything about it.  Not to mention the emotional strength.

With the girls out of the house and no distractions, it gave me the opportunity.  I’m also finding that since I am a lone parent now I have precious little time to myself and the prospect of sleeping without feet in the middle of my back or being pushed to within an inch of the edge of the bed might be something I need now.  Initially I know we all needed that closeness and there was no way I could have imagined sleeping in that huge bed alone or even to sleep in there with the girls – I barely even went in the room.  Now, though it was by no means an easy task and it took a lot of tears, shaky hands, deep breaths and a fast beating heart, I was able to create a space I felt more comfortable in and I therefore attempted to sleep there alone Monday night.  Since Caia had always been sleeping with us since birth, Eibhlin had only just left our bed a few months before Caia was born, and Elias and I rarely spent nights away from each other, I can’t think of the last time I slept alone would have been.  It probably goes back to before Eibhlin was born.

Even though the bed is physically much more comfortable, there was still a great deal of pain.  As soon as I lay down to sleep the tears started flowing.  I just thought of all the nights we would go to bed, he would fall asleep before me and I would roll over and kiss his shoulder before going to sleep.  Often if he was still a bit awake he would put his hand out, I would put mine in his and we would hold hands in the most comfortable, loving silence for a while before going to sleep.  I felt the familiarity of the shape of the mattress – a bit of a ridge in the middle as we had worn our ‘spots’ on either side, but there was no familiarity with the emptiness on the other side of the bed.  And it hurt.  Bad.

I don’t even remember falling asleep that first night – probably exhausted from crying – but it was not for long as Caia awoke and I had to go to the girls’ room and lay with her for a while until she was back asleep.  Shortly before I had gone to bed Eibhlin had done the same and I was starting to think that it was a sign I was not supposed to be gone from them yet, but I managed to sleep the rest of the night.  Last night there was still pain, but fewer tears.  I am, however, discovering the resilience of the human heart.  Mine has been ripped out, hit with a mack truck, stomped on and then kicked a few more times for good measure – yet somehow it still beats.  It beats for my girls.  It beats for the memory of my lost love and the promises I made him.  It beats for my family and the friends who have supported me endlessly.  And there are a few beats left in there for me too. 

I’m planning another letter to Elias tonight so if you read both sites please forgive some of the repeat info as I fill ‘him’ in on all of this, but I have a few other things to tell him about as well.  As for here, for now I will say good night, and hold hands a little with the one you love.

~C~