GET UP

A message of hope

I have a statue that my dad gave me on my bedroom dresser of a weary prizefighter named Rocky with his arms raised in triumph.  When I look at it I think of one thing - the symbol of victory.  Over the last 2+ years since Dottie’s death I have come to realize that true victory in life is not about wins and losses.  To me, true victory is realizing that no matter how hard you get hit, if you are persistent enough to let go and put your faith in God, you will always GET UP.

We are all hit hard by the storms of life.  Some are small, some are life changing. How we react to these storms make us who we are.  These storms, no matter how much we don't want them, are the main experiences that help us grow stronger and become more enlightened while we live on this earth.

My writings in this journal have developed into an important journey for me. I write for four reasons.  First, for myself and my own healing.  Second, for my young children and for their memory as they grow older down the road.  Third, for friends and family also grieving Dottie’s death.  And fourth, for people that may be facing their own very personal trials of loss in their lives.  Loss comes in many different shapes and sizes.  But the end result must always be the same.  We must always find a way to get up.

An important milestone in my journey happened about a year ago at Peter’s Place, a children’s bereavement center, located in Radnor, PA.  The kids and I made it a routine to go there once every other week for several months.  The kids colored and made arts and crafts with other children the same age who have also lost a parent, while the widows and widowers went to another room to talk.  For the longest time, I thought we were the only family in the world that this could happen to, but I was shocked when Peter’s Place told me there was a waiting list of families that they were servicing.  In our group, I happened to be the only guy in the room surrounded by seven women which I thought would be a little interesting, but it actually turned out to be a fun crowd.  I provided my token guy perspective, while I heard what it was like to lose a husband. 

One day while at Peter’s Place, I noticed a poster on the wall that listed the “Mourner’s 6 Reconciliation Needs” by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD.  This list quickly became one of the most important tools for understanding my own personal progress of healing and more importantly, getting up.  I share this list with you below along with my own reflections over the past year.
       

Need 1. Acknowledge the reality of loss.

As I reflected on this list, I asked myself where I thought I stood regarding each “need.”  I read the first one above, and thought to myself, “a big check in the box on that one”.  After a year, I was passed the shock of her loss.  It builds my confidence to know that I was able to conquer this one.  

Need 2. Embrace the pain of the loss.

Huge check in the box on this one too.  While I wish this pain on nobody, I have come to accept that we cannot escape this experience at some point in our lives. It is a common experience that eventually we will all share.  It is comforting to know that at least the excruciating pain involved is a normal and even healthy part of the process, even on the bad days.   

Need 3. Remember the person who died.

Another check on a daily basis.  For me, the practice of journaling and talking about Dottie has been very therapeutic not only for my personal healing, but also in a way that I know will benefit my children when the inevitable light bulb goes on in their heads to find out more about their mom down the road. 

Need 4. Develop a new self-identity.

This one stopped me in my tracks.  A new self-identity?  What’s wrong with the old one? When I thought about it, I realized that my identity since the age of 19 had, in a welcome way, become “Dottie and Andy.”  The thought of developing a new self-identity without Dottie was like having my leg amputated and being asked to walk.  Not only had I grown to love sharing my life with Dottie, but I depended on it.  Now suddenly, I was just “Andy.” 

At first, I resisted.  My identity as “Dottie and Andy” was fine with me.  However, as time continues to move on, I begin to feel like a relic in a museum where people gawk and say “oh yeah, there’s so and so, remember when? What a shame…”

It is abundantly clear what the new task is on the road ahead.   Get busy living, or get busy dying.  Get comfortable in your own skin.  No crutches, just you.  Stand on your own two feet.  Make a difference.  Make a new life.

Need 5.  Search for meaning.

As time passes, my search for meaning has evolved into a deeper relationship with God.  I draw strength from spending time in church.  It is peaceful there. I like it best when I am alone.   Sometimes I read and sometimes I just talk to God in my head.   While there is not enough paper to write down everything, I wanted to share fifteen of the most important lessons I have learned in my search for meaning.

1.      This is bigger than you now.  Get up.  Stand tall.  Make a difference. 

2.      The quickest way out of a depression is by taking your mind off of yourself and doing something meaningful for others. 
  

3.      There is always someone that has it worse than you.

4.      Your #1 priority is being the best dad you can be to some beautiful children that deserve the best.  Hug them often.

5.      Plan for tomorrow, but live for today.  Make the person in front of you feel like the most important person in the world.

6.      Humility is strength.  Embrace it.  Humility opens the door to gratitude.  Gratitude opens the door to true wisdom and happiness in God.  Conversely, pride is a cancer to be avoided at all costs.  "It is easier for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter heaven."  It is not the money holding him back, but his pride.

7.      You are an empty vessel for God to fill up.  Don’t try to do it on your own.  Just believe and let it happen. “Pray, hope, and don’t worry” - Padre Pio.

8.      Stay curious.  Keep searching. Your faith is a journey, not a destination. Keep talking to God even when you are angry.  He’s big enough to take it.

9.      Accept responsibility for your cross.  Mary stood tall at the foot of the cross. Follow her example.

10.  Acknowledge and respect the black hole of loss.  It won’t go away and don’t try to fill it.  You can’t.  If you fall in every once in awhile, that’s ok.  If you stay there, that’s not ok and you need to seek help.

11.  If you are going to explore a new relationship, it must be on its own merit, not to fill the black hole of loss. 

12.  Understand that joy and suffering are both part of the same movement of the dance of life.  A complete life fully accepts and learns from both.

13.  You can do anything you put your mind to.  Don’t be afraid to take chances.  You have been through the worst, and Jesus was there for you.  He will be there again.

14.  Remember where you came from.

15.  Never lose hope.  “Grace is always there.  It just matters if you choose to see it.”  – Dottie Person

Need 6.  Receive ongoing support from others.

A friend of mine once told me that in the history of the world, there has never been a single person that achieved anything alone.   I have read a lot of horror stories about men shutting down after the death of their wives at the expense of their children.  The horror stories come from the children themselves.  I am lucky to have friends and family that would never allow that to happen in our case. 

For about a year, I made it a practice to see a grief counselor once a month for about an hour.  A friend of mine whose wife died in a similar way recommended I do this.  He’s really a shrink that focuses on grief, but I like to say grief counselor – it sounds less dramatic.  I wish I had gone sooner, it helped me validate and sort out a host of feelings that I could not have done on my own.  So many men do not do this and I know why.  It sounds sissy.  Most men have no problem dealing with physical pain, but mental pain is never dealt with appropriately, left only to fester for years to come.  My role as a dad helped me to take that necessary step.  I did it for the kids and it paid off for me big time. And I didn’t turn into a sissy after all.

There are two important themes that my parents have taught me through the years that I continue to use in getting up and moving forward even in the toughest times.  Be persistent and be positive.  My father taught me how to be persistent, to never give up.  My mother taught me how to stay positive no matter what the situation.  They are the 2 P’s of life.  PERSISTENT AND POSITIVE.  I hope that by example, I can transfer these same lessons to my children as a dad, a friend, and a leader. 

In closing:

I hope this list of “reconciliation needs” helps you the same way it did me in grappling with how to deal with loss.    

It is not easy to get up. It is easier to stay down.  But that’s not what God intended for us.

I am proud of my Catholic faith as a Christian.  It has brought me through the worst of times and provides a beautiful hope for the future. 

I would like to close with some great words from another religion. I think there is a place for all religions in this world.   A friend of mine shared it with me.  It is from his Holiness the Dalai Lama.

“Everyday, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.”

I wish you the best in your own journey of getting up and making a difference.

Love,

Andy

Please note: my new email address is aperson@mercy.edu

If you would like to donate to the Person Children’s Fund please visit: www.active.com/donate/dottie