I can not sleep.
I wonder why that might be.
Because - I have not thanked all of you praying for me?
I have not updated you or told you I care.
I have not let you known if it weren't for your prayers....
I would not even be here.
My journey is not happenng only to teach me.
There is a lesson for all I know, some I don't and I pray for God to show...
What it is that I must do, to heal and help all of you too??
I hate to admit, I have lost my purpose, I have lost my high, I feel like doing nothing but letting life drive on by.
What happenend to my umph, what happened to my clarity?
I have been thinking so much going in circles. Getting down on myself, for not being able to do this alone. .. why can't I just be strong and just say God is helping me he is my stone.
As much as I wont to know what my purpose is....I am realizing now this is not a quick fix. god is telling me this is a long, long road, let others help me so the story can be told. Don't take for granted those who care and who pray...
for they are needing a healing in some sort of way.
I guess I thought in a way....I wanna do it real fast. Get over this by now...and start having a blast.
I thought by now I would have been over all this. Meaning with my Sammy and healed as could be.
Praising God and saying "look what happened to me!"
When I see now it is a LONG road that I am on. With many lay overs. I have to stay strong.
There is a spiritual war happening with me these past few months.
I ask you to keep praying so my mind will be free. I ask you to pray that I will allow all of you to help me.
The enmey keeps lieing to me and making me feel bad,
trying to tell me I will never be happy again and what I had before is all I will ever have.
Confussing my mind with lies that are not true. Like you "keep forgetting things" "messing up things"....You have no control. Everything you wish for has already been stole.
This healing I am craving and KNOW will come true is for my mind -body and spirit....
I write this update to tell you all i promise to update more details next week.
peace of mind is what i seek.
I am so thankful for you all and I need your prayers....I can't explain to myself these days how I really feel. So that is why its been so hard to let YOU know and be real.
In a way I have been shy. For all I have been writing sounds dumb. I delete it and then cry and keep it all inside.
That is not good. Because I am not allowing you. (this is not only about me its about you too) To help me through this....?
I don't have to be so strong...feel like I have to do this alone. I know now I can't. I also know its not my timing. I guess I am rushing for the door that wont open.
If only I slow down I might see the door is way up there just waiting for me....but I have to go through all the doors to get to that right one.
Tonight and this rest of this week I will count my blessings not my worries............
Pray I can be in the moment....not in the past not in the future and find some true happiness.....
pysically I feel good...have not had surgery, as of now I will not. I promise to explain more soon. But for tonight just wonted to let you all know I TRULY am thank ful for U!
(I am sorry I don't show it enough) or tell you. Its been rough for me. its hard to explain..that is no excuse and I think that sounds lame. but thats the truth.
So many have it worse than me...
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
I AM THANKFIL FOR U!!
peace.love.heal.
