As I come to write what will be the last entry on this site (and probably longest), I am burdened by how I can possibly sum up in words what I even feel. So, I will do my best at giving you a real and raw glimpse of this grieving soul.
The reality of David not being here becoming the new normal is at times frightening and painful. So much so, that my mind has difficulty grasping that this is really happening, he can not come back. Whoa. It is the oddest feeling to have your head and heart try to grasp something that you struggle to feel is meant to be. Having to tell David Jr. as he cries for his father that daddy still loves him and can’t wait to see him again, often feels like some cruel joke. Alas, it is not. It is real. There are days that the pain is so real and so intense that it smothers me and I feel claustrophobic. No matter how I try to busy myself, I can’t out run it. Like an intense migraine you can’t get away from.
Now, that is a brief snapshot of the reality of my wonderful David being gone. And as I have painted a bleak looking picture, let me get to the crux of it all. In the books of Job and James, God makes it so clear as to the purpose of trials, pain and suffering. “You know that you learn to endure by having your faith tested. But you must learn to endure everything, so that you will be completely mature and not lacking in anything.”James 1:3-4 CEV. Not that I have reached maturity by any means, I have a hard time enduring some of the things my kids dish out! But I do know this, my love for Jesus, my faith in Him means absolutely nothing if not tested. We are so afraid of being tested because it HURTS!! But look at the reward. Not lacking anything, being completely mature. To me, these promises from God have given a hope I never knew possible and the clarity to see more vividly the reward I have in Jesus. People have actually said to me that they don’t know how I do it, that they never could. First of all I haven’t done it and we don’t really have to do anything, except...tell Him. Tell Him you need Him, tell Him you love Him. He really does do the rest.
I would like to share the lyrics of two songs that have profoundly touched me this last year. After the back and forth, sorting out and searching, these songs come the closest to expressing where my heart always lands.
Kiss Your Feet by Delirious
All I have in this world
Is more than a king could ever wish for
All these crowns leave me cold
For I was born to kiss your feet
All I have in this life
Is all for a king, you know I live for
And your crown bears my name
For I was born to give you praise
Isn’t He beautiful, Isn’t He beautiful, Isn’t He beautiful
Take this life, take it all
I’m breathing the dirt, but I have clean hands
So I’ll run with my boots on
For I was born to give you fame
Isn’t He beautiful, Isn’t He beautiful, Isn’t He beautiful
Jesus’ Blood by Delirious
There’s a secret I must tell
Of all the love I’ve found
And it’s hidden in my heart
The day you tore my world apart
Hallelujah, King forever, friend and Savior
Jesus’ blood never fails me, Jesus’ blood never fails me
Jesus’ blood, Jesus’ blood
And this secret, it will run
To the corners of the earth
Where every woman, every son
Will carry high their chains undone
Hallelujah, King forever, friend and Savior
Jesus’ blood never fails me, Jesus’ blood never fails me
Jesus’ blood never fails me
Jesus’ blood, Jesus’ blood
Sing your songs of freedom
Praise the God of heaven
Love that never fails me
Jesus’ blood, Jesus’ blood
Updates for the Cho’s will continue on the Friends of David and Shelbie Cho website. Thanks to all who have joined us on this journey.
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