Remarks by Guilford Forbes

April 2, 2009

Good morning. I’m Charlotte’s son, Gil, and I will deliver the eulogy prepared by my father, Harry, after a few words of my own.

First, I’d like to thank all of you for coming today, and thank you for the wonderful love and support you’ve shared with us…you’ve shared it with us over many years…but especially these last 10 months. It was only 10 months ago that Charlotte was diagnosed with Mesothelioma. I remember that day, of course. I remember frantic and tearful conversations with my father, my brother Peter, and my sister Rachel. I was pacing around my apartment in New York, with my cell phone to my ear, and I remember reaching a sobering but ultimately optimistic conclusion: I said: Peter, Rachel, this is sad, this is terrible, but we’re going to be okay. The worst case scenario is that Mum has only 6 months to live, and if that’s the case, we’ll miss her terribly, but we’ll have time to prepare, we’ll savor our remaining time with her, and we’ll have time to say goodbye.

Well, Charlotte, ever sprightly and resolute, she gave us ten months, and we are grateful for every day.

She was kind, unassuming, loving, devoted, and talented. Her deep faith engendered in her a profound appreciation for this world: she exalted in life’s simple pleasures: like ice cream, rainbows, and the robins returning with every spring. More special, though, was her indomitable concern for humankind. Ever the optimist, she found the good in every person, and she helped everyone she could. 

So we’re ten months on and Charlotte has passed. And now I realize that my “sobering but optimistic conclusion” on the day of her diagnosis was utterly and completely wrong. We didn’t end up with a “worst case scenario.”  We’re not going to be just “okay.” We’re forever changed, forever blessed by Charlotte. Her example is our aspiration. So, amidst the sorrow, the emotion our family feels now is gratitude.

Lastly, before I get to the featured presentation, here, I want to close with the last four lines from “Lycidas,” which is John Milton’s elogy for his Cambridge classmate Edward King. King was held in the highest esteem by his classmates, and died tragically. There are two reasons why I’ve chosen to end with these lines:

#1 I was an English major, I love poetry, and I couldn’t help myself.

#2 My mother, was an upbeat person who would have insisted on a valediction forbidding mourning…and these lines capture her positive spirit, and how she would want all of us to live now:

One thing to remember here is that “mantle” here means “a cloak or an outer garment” – and here it will be blowing in the breeze after a sunset.

And now the Sun had stretch'd out all the hills,

And now was dropt into the Western bay;

At last he rose, and twitch'd his Mantle blew:

To morrow to fresh Woods, and Pastures new.

Tomorrow to fresh woods and pastures new…. with Charlotte’s memory and her example, that’s where we will go.

Eulogy for Charlotte Forbes

By Harry Forbes

April 2, 2009

Everyone who knew Charlotte quickly discovered that she was a very special person. If you got to know her well, it became pretty clear that there was no one quite like her.  Her death leaves a huge empty place in the lives of the people who knew her and especially of those who loved her. 

Charlotte was not a flashy person, or a loud person, or an attention seeker. No, she was very quietly spectacular. People quickly realized this even if they did not know her well.  For example the day after she had some respiratory difficulty at Brigham and Women’s hospital, a therapist (who was not a young man) told her:

“You are the most incredible patient that I have ever seen… I have never seen a patient do what you did. I was so amazed that I went home and told my wife about you. You are the greatest.”

That is a very typical Charlotte story.

What made Charlotte so special? Charlotte truly did not believe that she was special. But if you asked her what made her the way she was, she would answer by saying “It’s because of my faith”. Charlotte was never pushy about her faith, but she was never shy about it either.

To Charlotte faith was central to life, and it was a matter of both belief and practice.

First, her faith was a matter of belief. She believed that God was good and all-powerful.  Only our disobedience – our sin – stood in God’s way. But God had overcome our sin through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus, who was God’s greatest gift to us. Faith to Charlotte was a joyful acceptance of this gift. In 2005, 3 years before Charlotte herself was diagnosed with cancer, she wrote these words to a friend who was having cancer treatment:

“God is good and all powerful. You are as you have always been, in the palm of his hand. Your cancer is not terrible or surprising news to Him; He always knew it was part of his wonderful, but not easy plan for you. Our God reigns!    I hope your radiation treatments go quickly and easily. I am sure you have learned how many things are not necessary and have kept just the important things in your life. That is a good lesson that is never learned except in crisis.”

Three years later when Charlotte herself was suffering so much from cancer and from radiation treatments, she proved that this advice she gave was not merely a pep talk, but rather reflected her own way of life.

Faith did not prevent Charlotte from doing anything she wanted.  She wanted only to live out God’s plan – God’s design – for her life. Her faith was not an agreement to save her own self in return for giving up things she desired.  It was just the acceptance of grace.  But acceptance meant devoting herself to God, so that God could work through her in whatever way God might choose.  Jesus said “Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God.”   Charlotte was pureness of heart personified.

Charlotte believed that each person is called by God to do something important: To repent of their sin, to reform their life, and to accept the gift of God’s forgiveness through Jesus. She understood that not everyone was able or willing to do that, but that is what she would so gently advise people to do, regardless.  She never saw futility in any failure of any person. She loved the saying of Mother Theresa: "We are called upon not to be successful, but to be faithful."

Second, faith to Charlotte was a matter of practice. And in this Charlotte was even more amazing. She was a model of faith in action. Nobody could develop and perfect their personal habits like Charlotte. She developed many strong and lifelong habits. We teased her about this sometimes, but only because we marveled at her. Her level of organization was phenomenal. She never misplaced anything. She never forgot anything. One of her habits was saving some time each day—10 or 20 minutes – for studying the scriptures and for prayer.  She did this each day, and every day, with no exceptions.

These habits of hers became her virtues.  Here are definitions of what Christian theologians call the 7 cardinal virtues. Listen to how well they describe Charlotte:

·         Faith - steadfastness in belief

·         Hope - refraining from despair and the capability of not giving up

·         Charity - selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness. Helping your neighbors.

·         Prudence – the ability to judge appropriate actions at a given time

·         Justice - moderation between self-interest and the rights and needs of others

·         Temperance - practicing self-control, abstention, and moderation

·         Fortitude - forbearance, endurance, and the ability to confront fear and uncertainty

Isn’t this a perfect description of Charlotte?

These days we think it is impossible for someone who is virtuous to be joyous at the same time. But Charlotte was a most joyous woman.  She was not giddy, but she took deep and satisfying joy in all kinds of things.  Her joy fed her energy, her enthusiasm, and her commitment. And did she have all of these, especially energy!  Her joy showed most in her smile.  Charlotte’s smile was simply radiant. There was nothing as beautiful as Charlotte’s smile. Just before Charlotte’s death her cousin Edward sent her a letter. He described his memory of her as a teenage girl by saying she was “beautiful but not at all vain”.   Charlotte always remained that way.

She loved happy surprises, even the smallest of surprises.  She loved being with her friends and her relatives.  She loved tiny family traditions – traditions which seemed silly at first but contained a hidden wisdom. For example, she kept a list of what each member of her family was doing at 8:00 PM on every Friday –  she kept the list  for 29 years, and it became a family tradition and a treasure.  Another tradition was that she would not permit me to keep one side of our bed.  Her rule was that whoever got to bed first had the right to choose either side.  So Charlotte and I were forever passing our books and magazines across from one bedside table to each other. But our bed remained in common and neither of us could claim sole ownership of any part of it.  That was very wise. 

Charlotte always loved to have a single future event in her mind to cheer her up. “Something to look forward to”, she would call it.  But Charlotte’s way of living centered very much on the present day and the moment at hand. Her objective in daily living was to do whatever was God’s will for her on that day.  She used to say “enjoy the getting there”, which to her meant to take in and enjoy whatever the present moment offered rather than be miserable and hope only for better in the future.  She had an amazing ability to focus on a task, and even on 3 or 4 tasks at once.

Charlotte had immense patience, which served her well as a teacher. She was amazing as the teacher of her own children, but most especially as David’s teacher. How much life, love, and joy she taught David!   I saw her very little as a Mansfield classroom teacher, but from what I did see she was enthusiastic and joyful. Charlotte was in her right place teaching in the classroom. She loved being with her students and cared deeply about their progress.  I do know that she was always well prepared to teach them.

When you became Charlotte’s friend, you remained her friend forever.  Charlotte had no “former friends” and she had no enemies.

Finally, Charlotte always did as Saint Paul asks in the second reading:

Over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection.

Charlotte was also a model of love. If you have been touched in some way by Charlotte, trust me, you have not only been touched by her grace, but also by the grace of God.

Charlotte was always happy to “get things done”.  She loved the line from Jesus’ parable of the tenants when the master praises his industrious servant saying:

“Well done, my good and faithful servant… Come, share your master’s joy.”

Now as we put this miracle of a woman to rest, let us say the same thing. 

Well done, Charlotte, you good and faithful servant of God. Thank you for everything you did and everything you were to us. By following your wonderful example, somehow despite our grief may we also come to share your master’s joy.