The air is brisk, the leaves are changing and we’re headed into what will be the most difficult part of the year without Carter – Autumn and Winter. This time last year we were faced with our son coming to the end of his treatment with ultimately 8-12 weeks to live. Although it now seems unfathomable that we could function and find happiness in such dire circumstances, it was difficult not to be happy when around Carter. He was still walking, babbling and had plenty of smiles to share. It almost didn’t sink in that he was in fact dying. Now a year later, I keep seeing those smiles and hearing those giggles in what seems a far removed dream. I can’t believe he has been gone 9 months.
For some time Chris and I have been saying that we are ready for our lives to calm down. We want a year without change. That seems like a tall order with a big change every year since our marriage. From pregnancies, babies, to cancer diagnosis and death, it seems that we’ve been living in fast-forward for way too long. But alas life has a way of pushing you along when you least feel like it. You may want to stubbornly stay in one place when something shakes you to the core. This was the case when, in August, we shockingly discovered that I am pregnant. Yes, pregnant. A little over three months now – (almost) past the misery of the first trimester and looking forward to the relief of the second. We also know, due to genetic testing, that it is a healthy baby girl. A little sister to both Makena and Carter. Although this cannot and will never be a replacement for our precious Carter, people will no doubt make there own conclusions. What we do know is that this is a good thing. A happy thing. A blessing to have someone new with their own personality and traits come into our loving home. Our family may always have a void, and maybe that is how it should be when someone so beautiful and special as Carter, comes and goes so quickly. I like to think that Carter is happy (where ever he is) because we are happy. And even though Carter is no longer here, our newest addition will no doubt know her big brother.
So here we go on another adventure as we grieve the loss of our son and celebrate the impending birth of our daughter. Life is complex. Life isn’t fair. But with love and the support of one another we keep moving forward on this unpredictable journey called life.
Many blessings,
Maudy
