"Let Me fill you with My Love, Joy and Peace.  These are Glory-gifts, flowing from my Living Presence.  Though you are an earthen vessel, I designed you to be filled with heavenly contents.  Your weakness is not a deterrent to be filled with My Spirit; on the contrary, it provides an opportunity for My Power to shine forth more brightly.

As you go through this day, trust Me to provide the strength that you need moment by moment. Don't waste energy wondering whether you are adequate for today's journey.  My Spirit within you is more than sufficient to handle whatever this day may bring.  That is the basis of your confidence!! In quiet, (spending time with Me) and confident trust (relying on my sufficiency) is your strength." Jesus Calling 

March was TBI awareness month.  March 15th was the 11th year anniversary of bringing Carlos home from Casa Colina after his accident.  This Caringbridge site was made almost 13 years ago on August 22,2011, the day after Carlos' accident.  We were reeling. Carlos was not expected to survive the night. 

Today.... Carlos continues to grow.... each and every day.    He moves all over in his low profile wheelchair (mostly safely, never alone) He can unlock the right side of the wheelchair and if I take too long he will try to wheel away. He still requires assistance in all his body movements to the wheelchair but in his bed he helps me tremendously while I care for him.  He continues with his therapies, supported walks, talks and eating. We use an adaptive speaking device while working with his Speech pathologist and his enunciation with words is getting so much better.  We practice at home as well and both Cesar and I see a marked improvement.  We are all learning to slow down...  Hearing his deep laughter is so awesome; Especially when I'm in the other room and can hear him with Cesar or while we're watching a movie or when he face times with Cassandra and family. 

His therapists at Body Basics are amazing with him and he loves going with Cesar, his caregiver.  Not so much with Mom as it is their guy time and usually Cesar makes sure to take him out after for a meal, movie or errands.  I can not say enough about Cesar and his care with Carlos.  Guy to guy time has been instrumental in Carlos continuing to come back. I hear them talking in his room or in the work out area and it makes me smile. It is vital to keep him stimulated and his mind exercised as well.  It all takes a lot of time, patience and attention and I know it’s not easy for him, but I tell you, this man is joyful.

He is now beginning to start conversations almost routinely when Cesar or I walk into his room in the mornings. Simple things but it never gets old.  "How's it going" "Good morning Mom" "What's up" "I'm hungry" "I'm mad" All music to this Mama's ears. We continue to trust and are so grateful to God for all the continued advancements and Carlos' continued good health.  

I haven't written for a while.  Looking back, I had so many drafts started and then stopped as I was feeling so off and was having a tough time.   We've had a lot of sad news these past few months. Loss of a good friend and therapist from Casa Colina who was instrumental in getting us home and set up to start this journey with Carlos was crushing. Recurrence of cancer in a young husband and father, a friend of Carlos' from high school; family and friends dealing with cancer and illness; the passing of a young man who we knew and was a friend who succumbed to his cancer that started when he was just a baby; friends losing their jobs; friends moving out of state and people just hurting and in so much pain. I think we can all get a little weary these days.   

If I'm honest, waking up and seeing Carlos first thing in the morning, in his brokenness was making me more sad.  It made saying good night each night just devastating.  I shared this with Cassandra because she can hear it in my voice when we talk (pretty much daily)  as she’s my girl.  Not to wallow in the loss of our guy who was, but to just admit it and say out loud, we miss him, still!!! Every day!! And it is very daunting at times...... It's a different kind of grief, when you are missing someone who is still alive... There's no how to book on this inexplicable pain and sometimes it just hits you.

So how to react to these unforeseen events and move forward when sad, scared and in a funk...
or worried of the unknown?  I find myself struggling to respond and not react. (it is work) I pray for grace while I grit my teeth (sometimes)...Ugghhh !!!  I Pray and meditate. Yoga and Pilates, Ask for prayer. Seek the counsel of the wise who have always stood in the gap with Carlos as I pray I stand in the gap for them as well. I Stand still and stay in it to feel it and come out the other side so I can still see the beauty that still surrounds life … I can see the beauty of life while going over of a lifetime of memories in pictures with my sister and Mom;  It is in the memories those pictures evoke of my Dad telling me to "be tough" It is in the video of my grandson playing his bassoon. It is in the accomplishment of my 10 year old grand daughter winning an award for writing. It is in the pride I hear in my daughters voice as she finishes up her final class for her degree from college. It is in watching my Mom and friend at lunch laughing at the memories from a 67 year friendship. It is in the call I receive from my brother just to check in with me and Carlos. It is in the celebration of a birthday of my 98 year old Aunt who shares her wisdom of YOLO. It is in the phone call with a childhood friend who makes me laugh at myself. It is in the messages from my sister in another state.  It's in the way too long hike with a 30 plus year friend who pushes you to get it done so we can stay healthy. These are my Godshots that steer me back to peace. I can recognize them now and I dont have to stay in the sadness. 

Finally, it is waking up at 1 am in the morning and having a knowing that I need to write, like last night. 

Does it fix all the unknowns and hurts?  No, but it reminds me to stay in His Grace. Keep accepting it … Keep my Faith. Hold on to Hope.  Have compassion and discernment while protecting my son and his future so I can continue to see my purpose through along side him. 

As a TBI Survivor, Carlos’ journey will never be over. Sometimes that just hits my heart hard and being real with it helps get past the fear and accept the uncertainty in these times of sadness and challenges.   

 Todays reading fit perfectly:

"Your weakness is not a deterrent to being filled with my Spirit.... As you go through this day Trust Me to provide the strength you need moment by moment" 

Pray for Cj and his Mom ~  heck, let’s all just pray for each other ~ Amen 🙏 

I love this rendition of Oceans ~ love that little man and his conviction while singing. 

https://youtu.be/Nj4_JHHuOls?si=mOOQX4m-7t6hkeTu