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The heart of a heart mama

Since Cameron passed I have not done much journaling.  Quite frankly I've been at a loss for words.  I decided last night that I would start journaling about my journey as a heart mom.  I figured no better place than here on CaringBridge since this is part of my healing.  I will warn you, I plan to be very blunt and possibly graphic at times.  I feel I need to do this.  I will not be offended if you choose not to read.

I thought I would start with talking about my experiences eight years ago this month.  May 2006 started like any other.  I celebrated my third Mother's Day.  Sydney was growing like a weed and keeping this very pregnant mama very busy.  The day after Mother's Day I had my 34 week check with my midwife.  Everything up until this point had been going well.  The visit was going well and we were just about to finish up and schedule the next exam when my midwife decided to check for the heartbeat one last time (I don't think she trusted her nurse).  My usually quite talkative midwife went silent and I knew something was wrong.  She started talking to herself and grabbed me (without letting me pull up my pants) and dragged me down the hallway to a primitive video ultrasound machine.  I was too afraid to speak but finally asked, "What's wrong?"  She answered, "I think the heartbeat is dropping.  Just try to stay calm and think good thoughts."  Then the OB that she worked with came in and started barking at her and the next thing you know I am being whisked via wheelchair over to the hospital (which was attached to my clinic).  I actually remember the wind whipping through my hair.  Rob was close behind with Sydney in his arms.

When we got to the maternity ward it was sheer chaos.  There were several OBs and nurses all scrambling.  Calling for other doctors.  Calling for a life flight.  Stabbing me everywhere trying to get a vein.  At one point someone put an O2 mask on me and told me to keep calm.  I remember looking past the chaos and seeing Rob and Sydney in the back of the room.  I lifted my mask for a moment and told the biggest lie of my life.  I said to Sydney, "Mommy's o.k. honey."  I told Rob to call my mom and get Sydney out of the room.  I remember having to lie still while they examined the baby via ultrasound.  I kept begging them not to do a c-section and telling them "The baby is kicking.  If the baby is kicking it's o.k."  I remember a nurse trying to swap my maternity shirt for a gown and getting tangled on my IV.  I said to her, "Just cut my shirt off.  Do whatever you have to do to keep the baby safe."   Things slowly started to get back into focus and I remember the OB saying something to the effect of, "It's o.k. the baby isn't showing signs of distress.  But there is something wrong with the heart rhythm."  The OB made a few phone calls and handed us a piece of paper that had a number for a specialty clinic and told us to call first thing in the morning and make an appointment.  The OB said that all he knew was that the baby had heart block and this was something that he had not seen in 20 years.  And they sent me home!  This was the day I became a heart mom...

33 people hearted this

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Gaylyn Bicking
By Gaylyn Bicking
Thank you so much for posting this. The details are different for each family, but we all have our stories and they need to be told. Thank you again.
Carol Esterley-Ruff
By Carol Esterley-Ruff
This is the place, Kari. Perfectly Perfect. It's still one of Cameron's places as well. He will always be a vital part of your life. You are the brave author sharing him & your very being. Set it free, let it all out, breathe, and write "Kari's" story. It makes no difference who the followers are, but so many will connect with you & get needs filled from that connection. We all understand your reasons. Your care & generosity for other families Is such a beautiful thing. Bless you, Rob & Sydney. My prayers, and those of many, are always with you.
1 person hearted this
wendy baumgarn
I am so glad that you have decided to do the hard thing, to be honest, real and raw. There is beauty in your candid demeanor. I hope that this brings healing, and lets you know that we have not forgotten to continue blanket your family with prayer.
Sandy and Jerry Junker
By Sandy
Thank you for being so open and honest. We want to read and know about you as a heart mom (and your heart family). Our thoughts have never left Cameron and knowing the journey you've been on.
Diann Lindeman
By Diann Lindeman
Thank you for sharing, it will be therapeutic for lots of us that are part of Cam's Crew. I am hoping that you know you are still being covered with prayer.
Donna Craig
By Donna Craig
Kari, thank you for sharing your story. I am very interested in hearing about it. I continue to keep you and your family in my daily prayers. Please remember there are many of us out here who are willing to listen, to read your journal, and pray for you. May God Bless you on your journey to wholeness.