Journal
Brooke Thompson's
Journal
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Written Jun 27, 2010 10:47pm
I must just really be having a hard time. I was talking to my mom earlier and I told her that I have just been so ill here lately. Nobody can say or do anything right...esp Jason and Maycee. I hate being so bitchy but its like I cant help it. I hate feeling like this. I hate being like this. I told mom that I felt like this past week was such a waste. Such a long, wasteful week. I should have had surgery this past tuesday. I was ready. Physically, mentally, ready. All I have done all this week is sit and think about my surgery, and then Jill died and I guess it just brought everything to the surface.
I am gonna talk to Dr. Onatits tomorrow about possibly removing my entire right lung, removing all the tumors. I just dont know right now. I dont want to do any more damn chemo. I mean, u know I will, but I seriously dont want to. I might just take my chances, let him remove all the cancer and maybe get on something like zometa...what that dude was on in paris or wherever it was that guy lived at that had a complete response to zometa. Technically, thats not chemo and I dont have to have any kind of measurable disease in order to get on it. Now, I wont have it done if it means my quality of life will be greatly affected. Im not trying to be on oxygen all the time. Dr. Onatitis has told me before that a human being only needs half of one lung to survive. Sounds sketch but whatever. I will discuss this with him tomm in more detail. Im sure Dr. G wld not be happy with me, but it is not his body. They will just have to support me no matter what decision I chose for myself.
I also want to ask him what they do with my tumors. I would like to send the bulk of the disease to TGEN. Since I have a pretty large Met I am sure they would love to get their hands on it. Im sure they mainly get large adrenal tumors, this way they could have a lung met to go with it. Maybe they can do some tumor profiling on it. Help me out or something. You never know right? Im still not really sure what all to expect after surgery. Prob be in the ICU for a bit but who knows right. I will find out tomm. I meet with Dr. O first then pre op. Hopefully we will get out of there after lunch time. I would like to be able to pick maycee up early so that we can spend some time together before she has to go to bed. Tomorrow night will be hard on me. Very hard. It is already hard on me. I have already cried once tonight. My mama is also having a hard time. She has been very short tempered as well and cries at the drop of a hat. We are like 2 peas in a pod. Maycee has also been acting out too. She knows about my surgery and i am also worried about her.
When I was crying tonight, shelby crawled up to my neck and started licking away my tears. It started tickling so i actually laughed and I thought to myself, i knew I drove 6 hrs round trip to get this dog for a reason! I am just sooooo ready to have this surgery done and over with. I can not even begin to describe just how ready I am. I want this cancer out of me. I want bubba joe gone. I am ready to begin my new normal. Everybody is on edge. I know that I am not helping matters by jumping in everybodys crap, and I say im sorry. I know my family and friends understand, but i hate being like this.
I also still hurt. My teeth, my sinuses, my head, my back. It all still hurts. My tongue too. I woke up the other morning and it felt like it always does right after chemo. When will the insanity end? Im also worried about the pain management after surgery. I hurt so bad last time. I take vicodin on the regular. I have built up a tolerance to pain killers. I need them to listen to me when I say I hurt. I need the nurses to listen. Floor nurses suck at listening. I dont want to have to get ugly, but i so will. They are stingy with the benadryl and the pain meds. I know i prob sound like a drug seeker. Whatever. Dont judge. Vicodin is sometimes the only thing that gets rid of the ever present aches and pains. I dont like taking it on the regular.
Enough with the venting for one night. I need to try and get some rest. Me and Jason have to be at duke tomm at 8 in the morning. I will update again tomm night. -
Written Jun 25, 2010 10:50pm
I guess they say its good for you to have a good cry every once in a while right? I hope its true, bc I have certainly done my share of crying tonight. I just found out that Jill Costello, a 22 yr old girl who just graduated from college, passed away yesterday from Lung cancer. I only knew her thru caringbridge and on fb. I had wrote on her page a couple of times and kept up with her story. When she was diagnosed last year, it was found to have spread to her liver, bones, and breasts. She never caught a break, trying one treatment after the next, never giving up on her miracle, always fighting, always believing. She died yesterday. The fight is over. She had been in the hospital just a little bit ago, with pneumonia and a collapsed lung. She was having some pain issues too. The last journal entry I read, I didnt think she was doing that good, but I didnt think it would have come this soon. I cant quite explain to you the hurt, shock, and pain that comes from reading that another young cancer patient has died. I will never be able to describe to you what it feels like. I did not know this girl personally. I had never met her, nor talked to her on the phone, yet when I read of her passing, I was utterly, and completely devasted. The tears started streaming down my face, just like they are right now, and for some reason, I couldnt stop them.
I am scared. I am angry. I am bitter tonight. I am very, very, sad and ill. How can it be that someone so young, someone who fought so hard, who had such a HUGE support system, so full of life die? How is it possible? When u see someone who is a fighter, someone who believes that she will get better, when you see them die, it does something to you. I'm gonna tell you what it does, it makes u question why. Why? Why? Why? Why is cancer in our world? Why do little kids get cancer? Why do teenagers get cancer? Why do adults get cancer? Why do bad things happen to good people? I dont know. I will never know. I dont know anything anymore. I tell you what I do know. I am tired of this crap. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have a freakin softball in my right lung that is scheduled to finally be removed on tuesday. They will remove my right lower and probably the middle lobe as well, but guess what, they gonna leave in the upper lobe, along with billy ray, who is supposedly really small, but he will still stay...occupying my lung. and I am supposed to just smile, clap, shout hallelujah and fight, fight, fight???? For freakin what????? I dont want to die. I dont want people to go on my facebook and write, oh brooke, I am so lucky to have known you, u fought so hard, u were such an inspiration to me...blah, blah, blah!!!! Hell to the no. I DO NOT WANT TO DIE. I have been such a beotch here lately. All this week actually. I am sure Jason can vouch for that. I dont know what it is. Its like Im trying to push people away. I know that i have been in a bad mood, very short tempered, angry, and im sorry for that. Maycee has been trying me all week. She hasnt been listening, shes been really clingy, not doing anything i ask her to do or not to do. It has been really trying. I am sure that she is worried about the surgery in her own little 3 yr old way. I know that everybody is worried about my surgery in some way or another. The longer I wait, the more ancy I get. I am just ready to have it over and done with. Whats funny is that sometimes I feel like Ferris Bueller. I went to tripps yesterday and the waitress brings the bill back to the table and says, good luck with surgery!! Huh? I go to creemoor drug today, this lady says, whats ur name, u look familiar, I said Brooke Thompson, her eyes got all big, she didnt say anything, but I knew she knew. I am waiting for them to put me on the water tower, Save Brooke!!! I guess word gets around fast in a small town. I am actually really grateful for that. I am grateful for all the prayers, all the thoughts, messages, cards...any and all outpouring of love and support is greatly appreciated. I am sorry if I have made it like its not important. It is. For everyone who has sent me cards, or emailed me and has not heard back from me, I am sorry. I am a slacker. I just want everyone to know that I read every single last one and I appreciate every single last one. Thank you to everyone for always caring and for never giving up on me.
Rest in peace dear Jill.....rest in peace. -
Written Jun 22, 2010 10:21am
Sorry its been a while since I last updated! We went to the beach last week, down at Emerald Isle, and it was wonderful!!! I absolutely LOVE the beach. I so wish I lived at the beach. I told Jason that I wanted to move to Wilmington in a couple of years, before Maycee starts school. Wouldn't that be wonderful?? Health and money permitting, it WILL happen!
Maycee loves the beach too!! Far cry from last year when she freaked out about the sand getting all over her! She doesn't mind it at all now. She even let mama and mike bury her in the sand last time they went. This time, they buried me! I have actually never been completely buried in the sand...kinda fun!! I bought her a little floatie and myself a boogie board and we went out in the ocean. She was scared at first, then once we got past the break, she loved it, she would lean back and ride the waves. It was soo cute. It was super nice to just get away from around here for a few days and being at the beach def put a smile on all our faces, and cleared my mind...exactly what I needed! I even got a little bit of sun, not too much cause yall know I dont tan all that good. I just get red and then it goes away!! I swear I have some Swedish or Norwegian blood in me!! Maycee didnt take after me, she tans good. Her little arms and legs are just as bronze as can be!! So precious!!
Let me tell yall what happened to mike on Sunday. Mom had called me later that afternoon and said that they were at the hospital. Turns out that Mike had dislocated BOTH shoulders while swimming in the ocean on sunday. Mom said that the waves were really rough that day so she didnt go in. Mike was gonna ride a wave back in when a big wave came and knocked him down, then the riptide pulled him back out, he somehow hit his head on something, then another wave completely wiped him out and he slammed his shoulders on the ground. When he finally made it out of the ocean, he couldnt move. Someone called 911 and then the ambulance took him to the ER. He was all bleeding from his head, mouth, and nose!! My mom was competely freaking out. Once at the hospital, they gave him some sedation so that they could set both shoulders back. He is doing alot better today. He is supposed to wear a sling for a minimum of 2 weeks, but when I stopped by the house last night, guess what, he came out WITHOUT a sling on!!! Stubborn man!! Talk about a freak accident!!! I'm just glad he's ok!!
Friday was mine and Jason's 5 yr wedding anniversary! We were gonna go out friday night, but I was too tired, so we waited until Saturday night. We went to the Melting Pot!! OMG, it was sooooo good! Loved it! I had never been and I was super impressed! The cheese, the salad, the drinks, the chocolate...oh my...delicious!!! Even Jason liked it! I cant believe it has been 5 years already. I remember our wedding day so vividly. I thought everything about that day was beautiful, and so much fun!! The flowers, the music, the food, the everything!! It was the most fun day of my life!! Funny how a whole year of planning goes into one little day and then in the blink of an eye, its over. I thoroughly enjoyed planning every little aspect of the wedding. I told Jason all he had to do was show up at the church at a specific time! Everything was even better than I had envisioned. The church was decorated prettier than I had ever seen it. Pink flowers everywhere, rose petals scattered down the aisles, bucket of flowers hanging from the end of every other pew all the way down, I was so happy. My mom walked me down the aisle that day, and there at the front was Jason, my step dad, and his dad. I cried saying my vows. I know, its so cliche, but hey, its my story!! The reception was better than I thought it would be. My DJ was the bomb! He played the best music, totally got the crowd involved, and flirted with my aunt ava the whole night!! I danced my butt off...I remember dancing so much that the the whole bottom of the dress got filthy and my hair fell down!! Good times! I also cried when we left, bc I just felt so grown up. It was kind of official, I was moving out of my mama's house, the house I grew up in. I missed my mama like crazy when I first moved out. I also remember me and Jason moving in to the apartment. When both sets of parents left, I got this big ol lump in my throat. We went on a cruise for our honeymoon. It was so beautiful. It was the best vacation that I have ever had, hands down. It was just so nice to be alone, with no phones, no tv, for one solid week. We said that week that we would do this again on our 5 yr anniversary. I had been looking into different cruises and other trips for us to go on this year. I looked at alot of places, but something just didnt feel right, now I know why. As much as I would love to be in the caribbean right now, surgery is now more important. As much as Jason and I deserve to be in the caribbean right now, we will wait. Our time is coming. I think I am gonna def plan us a nice little trip this fall. If anybody deserves a nice trip away, it is us. Sorry, I dont care how that sounded.
For fathers day on sunday, we went out to eat at The Pit in downtown Raleigh. It has been featured on Man vs. Food and on the Food network, and it was hands down, the very best BBQ that I have EVER eaten!!! It was so delicious!! I highly recomend it!!!
Overall, this weekend was very nice. It was very nice to spend good quality time with my husband and daughter. The two of them together make me smile! His love for her is palbable. She loves her daddy too! Sure, I had a wonderful stepdad, but I never got to experience the father daughter bond. Father's day has now officially taken on a whole new meaning for me!
I am still feeling really good. My teeth still hurt and I hate it, but I am hoping that it will eventually go away. That is what I would like to think anyway!! Surgery is still scheduled for next Tuesday. I have an appt with Dr. Onatits on Monday and then pre op. I guess u could say that I am as ready as ever. No, I'm not looking forward to the surgery itself, but I am ready to get these tumors out of my body. They have been in long enough. I also need to hurry and get on some kind of medication so that no other tumors will pop up. We need to get this party started!
Ok, thats about it for now. This week is gonna be low key for me. Chillin, hanging out, doing whatever I want to do!! Will update later!
