Brooke is headed to the ER - now.
As I gave my baby boy his bedtime bath, I noticed he is growing more curiously fixated on the works around him as he becomes more keen to his surroundings. His fixation tonight was on the water itself. It was pure fascination with intensity not just on his face but whole body movements. He would grasp the water I poured then open his hand looking for what would not be found. To his delight, the water eluded him instead tickling the surface tension below with ripples and giggles.
I can relate to the perplexed feeling of grasping for something I can clearly see before my eyes but that has not been reached of achieved in my daughter - her cure from cancer.
Sometimes I find extra peace God sends me directly through the love in the prettiest windows to her soul -- her deep set green hazel eyes framed in thick lashes and pretty freckles of youth. But today when I looked into those eyes I found great sadness and pain which is beyond horrible to see.
Brooke was not in an immense amount of pain, but her body was achy here and there with an overall feeling of general tiredness and soreness.
The chemo has begun to set in.
Sometimes this happens, sometimes not; Sometimes nausea, sometimes not; Sometimes exhaustion, sometimes not. Brooke's tired body has been through hell and back and still she springs right back into herself which we attribute directly to the power of prayer in her life from thousands of people who continue to care and show love for our little girl so full of life who wants and loves to live and spread joy.
On Friday, Brooke got all of her chemos and meds. By Monday, she got the next chemo push of Velcade at clinic along with a hefty blood transfusion. We learned her immunity was next to nothing but her platelets were holding steady at 30 by God's Grace. That morning her lower right eyelid was bothering her (she said she had to remove a bit of sleep from her eye that morning) and she must have scratched her eye in the process. It bothered her in clinic on Monday and yesterday she said it felt fine although it still looked a bit irritated.
Then this morning it bothered her a little more but didn't look too terribly puffy... although her whole face seemed a bit puffy and tired looking. By the mid afternoon, she only wanted to lie on the couch and watch movies with general feelings of aches and pains intermittent all over her body.
It breaks my heart every single tear she ever cries. The helplessness of not being able to make it to away is much like water I cannot catch in my hand that beautifully slips by with mirrored reflections of the journey by gravity as it flows downward.
I know Neuroblastoma can manifest in the eyes. Particularly around the orbits. Causing red, bruised or swollen eyes and lids. I pray for God's mercy on Brooke to not have a tumor forming in her eye and that it is only a case of cellulitis or a bacterial infection that the medical team in the ER and on the admiring floor can help with through powerful IV antibiotics. It's a heck of a thing to hope for as the bacteria it not quickly addressed by the right drugs could take her eye as her counts are further declining each day right now.
After work today, Beau had been out helping a dear friend build the barn he and his family may live in before they can build their new home on the land, and I had no choice but to call him to come home to help get Brooke to the ER so that baby Benjamin would be able to stay home and go to sleep in his crib at home instead of the emergency room. My poor daughter has no choice. This is where she will spend the night. Even if they found nothing and just gave her a dose of antibiotic, we know her body is most likely in need of platelets and the ER does not do then so she may need to be admitted even just for that.
But God is bigger....
We pray tonight this is simply an infection and not an aggressive one so that Brooke can be treated immediately with antibiotics and feel better. We pray it is not cancer and believe that her lasts urine results warrant that she is stable or better. We pray this is also going to be a safe, comfortable night for her and that she will be in good care during her time there. All day Monday, all night tonight, all day tomorrow, and at least part of the day Friday - these are her hospital commitments for the week already and at home she has been working on her first grade testing in home school.
So much time lost this week... lost Ike like flowing water through my open hand and grasping fist; no matter how I try to hold fast to it, it slips ever away.
We are always bringing onward hope to time with God when he leads us home and not a moment sooner or later than his purposefully meticulous master plan says so.... thank you for praying for no more suffering for Brooke tonight, a short time in the ER and a good night'a sleep. I cried watching her be driven away with my husband and mom. Benjamin pumped his little stubby arm up and down in the air at the edge of the sidewalk as we watched them go bye bye and twice he said "NI-NI... NI-NI... Ba" which I believe meant Nite-Nite... for Brooke.
Like running water slipping through my hands, I watched them go. Brooke was upset I couldn't go with her. I am so grateful Beau made it home in time to take her and that my mother is able to be there with them now as well to comfort and help them as needed in the ER then bring the truck home. My mom is so loving. The Lord most certainly comforts and loves and carries us when we let Him; I could never have the strength to carry these burdens on my own. I love my little girl so much at times it is hard to imagine how He could love her more - - but He does.
I am thankful she was able to go on Saturday to Emma's dance birthday party so I can think of her smiling and dancing and singing in the dance studio mirror and not lying in the ER miserable and broken by cancer's grip with big tears in those pretty green hazel eyes that don't deserve cancer or the pain it causes but that grow stronger every day with a strong will and delicate grace that surpasses most people I know. Brooke is not just special because she is my daughter. She is special because she is beating cancer by not letting it take her thrive from her life. She is a walking talking miracle and bundle of joy that loves God so much she won't even eat a cupcake at a birthday party without on her own thanking God for it no matter how badly she wants to gobble it up. She is a child of God close to God and full of love and compassion which is no doubt a reflection of that which has been shown to her.
Thank you tonight... and always... for your love prayers. If you have children in your home, go tuck them in twice tonight for no reason other than you love them and you are happy to have them home. I wish desperately I could, but can't and pray I can again soon.