Grief is more than just a constellation of feelings in response to a loss.
Grief does not fade with the passage of time. We do not realize our losses in an instant; we realize them over years. We do not get over it, but instead go through it, not just once, but many times.
Grief changes form and eludes definition.
Grief is physical.
Grief sits on your chest, punches you in the gut, squeezes your throat, winds everything up breaking-point tight, and sucks the energy out of you.
Grief is holding your breath, or breathing fast and shallow like a scared rabbit.
Grief is lazy and lethargic.
Grief is exhaustion that cannot sleep, hunger that cannot eat, and tears that will not dry.
Grief is feeling rundown and getting sick over and over again.
Grief is feeling so lousy all the time that you cannot tell whether you are sick or depressed.
Grief is a field of fog and distance where we wander lost and aimless.
Grief is unexpected composure, lucidness, and productivity that seem out of place.
Grief is forgetting and then remembering again that someone is really dead.
Grief is feeling their presence, seeing their face, hearing their voice-even though they are dead-or being frustrated because we cannot.
Grief is a protest, a temper tantrum, a refusal to give up without a fight over something that is already gone.
Grief is an intense negotiation over events that have already happened, a barrage of what-if's and if-only's.
Grief is a hope turned backwards in time.
Grief is yelling at the beautiful sunrise because it means time is abandoning your loved one.
Grief is a plea to undo what cannot be undone.
Grief is rejected offerings and ungranted prayers.
Grief is retracing the steps that led our loved one from this world.
Grief is wanting to bear witness to and comfort the pain and suffering they experienced.
Grief is feeling guilty because we did not stop death, could not revert death, and cannot change death.
Grief is an accountability session.
Grief is damage control.
Grief is knowing we do not deserve to be alive any more than our loved one deserves to be dead.
Grief is wondering why fate chose them and not us.
Grief is throwing your hands up into the air and collapsing onto the floor into despair.
Grief is unabashedly wailing and drowning in your own snot and tears.
Grief is an inventory of what has been lost.
Grief is a dim spotlight that illuminates the void where a life once was.
Grief is sometimes a vow to fulfill wishes of the dead.
Grief is panning through memories over and over searching for jewels.
Grief is believing every pebble is a gem.
Grief is celebration.
Grief is saying thank you.
Grief is admitting that there was no gold in the pan.
Grief is a confession of regrets.
Grief is saying you are forgiven or forgive me.
Grief is saying God forgive you because I can't.
Grief is saying screw you for leaving me.
Grief is turning ordinary objects-a hairbrush, a note, a pin- into Sacred vestiges.
Grief is sitting in bed crying in the middle of the night saying God I miss you. Please, if you are there, give me a sign and hearing a bird sing a happy tune in the darkness and knowing that song was your answer.
Grief is being able to distinguish better what is really important and meaningful after all is said and done and choosing to do more of it.
Grief is the yearning, the reaching, and the unrequited love that hides behind our losses.
Grief is a tribute to the depth of your love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brett,
Not a second of every minute are you not in my heart and mind. I love you. I am trying so much for all of us. Keep the dimes and all the other things you do coming. It always makes me smile, but you know that.
your mom 4ever
