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The past hour and a half or so has been awful... I don't know why, but out of the blue it was like I just relived the day Brayden joined the angels in livid detail. It plays over in my mind often every day... but today was worse and just so happened to be the same time, almost 3 weeks ago, that his little heart stopped beating. Maybe I did something that I did that day to trigger it... but all of the sudden I just crumbled in to a ball and cried. 

I just want him back... I'm tired of being told that he's in a better place, that he's not suffering, that I am "lucky" that I had the time I had with him considering, or that I am "lucky" that I was prepared.

His favorite place was with mommy. He was never suffering. I am so lucky to have had the time I had with him, but that isn't consoling. And no way in hell can you ever be prepared for part of your heart to be ripped out of your chest... never.

I'm still angry at everyone and everything, myself included... maybe not angry, but definitely hurt. I'm determined to keep his light shining through the foundation... but it's not enough to help my heart feel better. I miss his smiles, he jibber-jabbering and yelling, his silly little chuckles. I miss his little hands holding my fingers.... really, I could go on forever about every little thing I miss.

This momma just needed to write in hopes of catching her breath... love to all.