Brayden Harper's Journal
Written Mar 4, 2013 6:02pmI just had the most enlightening time with my new psychologist... ironic that I am striving to BE a psychologist, yet desperately need one myself right now. Let me rephrase that and say, again right now.I've been to a counselor in the past for various reasons... contrary to my online persona, I'm certainly not pooping out rainbows and butterflies every hour of every day and looking to the bright side of every situation. I'm constantly under construction, just as the rest of us, when it comes to me.I don't want to sound hypocritical, because I do believe in always focusing on the positives and always being thankful and grateful for all things big and small... just as I always say and encourage. I just have a difficult time doing it all of the time... and that's ok, I guess.Today was my consult, my first session and what a doozy it was.While Brayden and his life and his departure from earth were not the main topic of conversation, since I have lived a whole life before and am trying to live after, he was a part... just as he is a part of me.I've never been asked this question.. and I was devastated that I didn't know how to reply immediately"How did you feel the first time you saw Brayden? What were your thoughts?"
I found myself dancing around the question. I talked about how I knew his condition during my pregnancy, how I had prepared. I talked about how I didn't care that his life would be cut short, but I wanted him to call the shots.But to answer the real question of how did I feel the first time I saw him:I don't know, I wasn't allowed to feel anything for myself or think anything for myself.I was devastated. Despite knowing throughout my pregnancy that he would have hydrocephalus and he would possibly have other deformities not detected by ultrasound; despite knowing he had a brain malformation and could possibly die instantly or have seizures or breathing problems.I was angry. SO angry.His head was large, yes. Other than that he was perfect.I was so mad that the doctors had led me to believe he would have all of these problems, and he didn't. He looked perfect despite a big 'ol noggin'. He had 10 fingers, 10 toes. He had the most perfect little lips and his daddy's cute little cleft chin.He looked perfect and sounded perfect and acted just perfect.BUT, he wasn't perfect. The doctors took all of my initial meeting, my initial oohs and ahhs (which actually came long after his birth since I had surgical complications myself and was in a haze) and turned it in to a horrible blur of death, darkness, and scary medical terms.Why couldn't I just cuddle up my perfect little man and just let him be a baby... a cute, adorable, cuddly, sweet cooing baby? The doctors, in an attempt (a poor one at that) to make us aware of what might be (and most of which never was)... stripped me of my first meeting of my sweet little man. That moment when you're supposed to shed tears of joy... mine was filled with tears of fear and so much anger with myself and with those guys in the white coats who kept saying death and dying.I realized today that I was actually encouraged to not love my baby, instead I was encouraged to "not get attached" because we wouldn't have him for long. They took that from me... and there lies some of my anger.Hopefully I can change that for other families and they can have a joy-filled first meeting, a happy birthday... with all of the oohs and ahhs and without the doom and gloom. There must be a better way to deliver information without taking the joy out of life's moments.And no parent should look back at their child's life and have such horrible memories of the start... regardless the prognosis, there should be some joy celebrated for that life. Whether it is short or extensive, the moment of debut should be joyous.
Written Feb 20, 2013 5:05pm...just a note that I deleted my last post here... Some of it was taken far out of context and just not something I want included here on Brayden's page.
Sad I am, yes. Devastated, still. Not a second goes by that I don't miss my sweet boy...
And while I question what I missed or could've done more... The concern that I did something more on the contrary was ignited and that assumption could not be further from the truth. Sometimes things aren't perceived correctly through writing, especially middle of the night ramblings from a tired, hurt mommy.
Needless to say, life here goes on and there is a little light that I need to keep shining brightly. I'm so thankful for the continued love and support we all receive from everyone near and far.
Love to all...
Written Dec 5, 2012 3:18pmThe past hour and a half or so has been awful... I don't know why, but out of the blue it was like I just relived the day Brayden joined the angels in livid detail. It plays over in my mind often every day... but today was worse and just so happened to be the same time, almost 3 weeks ago, that his little heart stopped beating. Maybe I did something that I did that day to trigger it... but all of the sudden I just crumbled in to a ball and cried.I just want him back... I'm tired of being told that he's in a better place, that he's not suffering, that I am "lucky" that I had the time I had with him considering, or that I am "lucky" that I was prepared.His favorite place was with mommy. He was never suffering. I am so lucky to have had the time I had with him, but that isn't consoling. And no way in hell can you ever be prepared for part of your heart to be ripped out of your chest... never.I'm still angry at everyone and everything, myself included... maybe not angry, but definitely hurt. I'm determined to keep his light shining through the foundation... but it's not enough to help my heart feel better. I miss his smiles, he jibber-jabbering and yelling, his silly little chuckles. I miss his little hands holding my fingers.... really, I could go on forever about every little thing I miss.This momma just needed to write in hopes of catching her breath... love to all.