Hello! I am a friend of Serena Priest. Your post was heart wrenching. A priest told me once that nothing in this world is an accident. God either allows it or wills it. He knows what is coming and sees the "big picture". Because of that He knows best. And because we cannot see ahead, we do not understand But, God never wills evil. There was nothing evil about Brayden's condition. Brayden was an example of innocent, unconditional love.
Unless you threw yourself off a 100 foot cliff, you did not cause Brayden's hydranencephaly. God had it in His Divine plan. Look how much support you are giving to others thru this foundation who may have had nowhere else to turn. Let the guilt go. God allowed this. There is a reason or many reasons. No guilt. Brayden would not want you to have that guilt. You gave him a loving home. He was blessed to have you.
We are praying for you and your family. I can't tell you how to feel at this time. Everything I see that you have written is what I think I would do if I had the same situation. I have never lost a child but I have had panic attacks and would not wish those on anyone. They will go away
Back in my grandparents time, MANY women smoked and drank A LOT all thru their pregnancies. MANY had normal, healthy babies. On the flipside, I have friends/family who have done everything "perfectly" in their prenatal care, and still have a special needs child as a result....things going wrong during delivery, stilborns, etc. My sister in law had a child with a tight knot in her cord. She was fine when she was born and the doctor looked at them in amazement...that should have been the classic stillborn. But she wasn't. She was fine. It was what God wanted. This is how God wanted Brayden to be. You didn't cause it.
Please keep the updates going...I think it could be a good part of the healing process...