It's so nice to be back home...I'm feeling much better today. Every day, I seem to get a little more energy back and I'm really hoping that, in a couple more days, I'll be as good as new again.
As you know, I was very upset last week that I missed my appointment with the surgeon down at PMH. I called first thing this morning to reschedule it to tomorrow and about 5 minutes after I made the appointment, the receptionist called back and cancelled it! She said Dr.B wanted to speak with another doctor before he saw me so I am to wait until next week. It upset me a little because I feel like all I've done is wait and then, later this afternoon, Dr.B himself called me to explain why...
He started by explaining that he wants to consult a vascular surgeon, a bone doctor (for the tumor on my tailbone) and a plastic surgeon. He said that because I have tumors and nodules on the inside of my stomach, he would want someone there to put me back together and make it as nice as possible. So, if your keeping track, that's 5, possibly 6 surgeons so far, when you include Dr.B (gynecological surgeon) and Dr.Finelli (urological surgeon) and maybe a GI doctor too.
He went on to say that this is really outside of the box, how he's approaching this surgery. This is not something that is normally done but given the fact that my tumor is low grade and I'm young and healthy, that is the only reason he is even considering this. As he put it - "I think you know that if you don't do surgery, you'll be in trouble. But, based on how big this could be, if you do decide to do surgery, you could potentially be in trouble as well. We need to decide which is the lesser of two evils".
He told me we need to discuss what the morbidity of something like this will be...how much my quality of life will change. He told me he's almost certain I will need a permanent colostomy and that my nephrostomy bag would also most likely be permanent. The recovery would be long...there could be complications. He did say though that, if all went well, hopefully it would maybe buy me another 5 years. The whole conversation seemed so surreal...
I got of the phone and my head, even now, is still spinning. How can I be falling apart so bad on the inside and look so normal on the outside? I felt like asking him "are you sure you've got the right patient?". It just doesn't seem real...
They haven't said yes yet, but of course, he's given me much to think about. What if I didn't do it...how long would I have? What if I did do it and something horrible happened and I didn't make it out? What if I did do it and I got another 5 years? There are so many questions and it's awful when no one can answer any of them for you....
You know, this past week of me being in the hospital really shook me up....I got home and was an emotional mess. It really made me realize that I am sick. Do you know how many women with ovarian cancer die from bowel obstructions? I mean, I know I wasn't dying or anything but it's really scary to feel so sick and helpless.
Then I look at Tyson...my beautiful, sweet boy. I can't imagine not being around for all the wonderful moments in his life. He looked at me on Saturday and, totally out of the blue said "you know...I'd be really sad if you weren't here anymore Mommy". He shouldn't have to go through this...
I'm sorry, I really don't mean to offend anyone here but this disease just fucks you up. There's no other way to put it. I feel like cancer is the cat and I'm the mouse - it'll swat at me and shove me around, have it's way with me and then it'll decide when it's going to kill me. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it...I can fight back all I want but, in the end, it's in someone elses hands.
I'm sorry to sound so depressing and down but look at it this way - what if you looked in the mirror, right now - you would see what I see - a normal, healthy face looking back at you. Can you even imagine having someone tell you that your body is so full of cancer that it will take a team of 5, maybe 6 doctors to get it all out? And that, even then, they can't guarantee that you'll be ok?
To say I'm struggling with all of this would be an understatement...
Becky xx
