The week or so leading up to Mother's Day was a struggle for Millie, and as a result, for me. I'm assuming that the holiday had something to do with it even though Millie expressed it was not the reason. She was quieter than usual during the day, and bedtime became her time to grieve.
For about a week, when I would turn out the lights and tuck them both in, Millie would get a sad look on her face, tell me she missed mommy and start to cry. I told her I missed mommy too, hugged her and cried with her. She would get upset that she wouldn't get to see mommy again on earth and that it would be a long time until she got to see her in heaven. One night she got angry because she realized that I'm older and I get to see mommy sooner. All I could really do was hold her and agree with what she was saying.
One night she got very upset. "When I get older, I won't even remember mommy." I didn't have anything to say. It was horrible. What do you say to that?
Millie asked when she could see her counselor again, so after things calmed down and I tucked the girls in for bed, I went downstairs and put in a call. Luckily, we were able to get an appointment a few days later. During those few days, Millie was doing much better.
I took Millie to her session and waited in the lobby. At the end of the session, I went in with Millie so her counselor could tell me what they talked about and offer a few suggestions we could try at home to try and keep working through things.
The counselor lead Millie a little in trying to get her to restate something in particular they had discussed about mommy. Then Millie said the words "she wants me to be happy." She smiled when she said it and that made me smile. But then the words actually sunk in for me. She does want Millie to be happy. And she wants Emma to be happy. And she wants me to be happy too.
For so many months I've been riding waves of grief, sometimes brutal and sometimes not so intense. But mostly through that time, I'm just riding it out. I can't remember the last time I thought about what Beccee wants for us. Or for me. Once I did think about it, I knew beyond any shadow of any doubt, she wants all three of us to be happy.
Those words have popped into my head several times a day since then. Now, I'm not saying those six words have changed everything, but I will say they have given me a different perspective on my own life lately.
I hope some of you hear that message too.
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Please note that I'm in the process of moving this blog to:
http://beccee.blogspot.com/
