Ariel Rose Gariano's Journal
Written Dec 17, 2013 7:53am by Crystal GarianoOnce upon a time I was the broad who had all my Christmas shopping done (99% via the internet -I'm not crazy) for my beloved goofy and geeky family by the weekend after Thanksgiving. All done and ordered so we could spend Dec 1 finding the biggest tree available. The 3 of you kids, rolling your eyes and playing in the trees while your Dad and I bickered over my blatant disregard for mathematics, as I drooled over 12 ft trees to put in a house w/ 8 ft ceilings or worse trying yet again to con Daddy into getting multiple trees. The tree could take up to 2 days. Every ornament had its story, every decoration a memory and every year we'd find something new to string lights on (to your fathers amusement). And fresh wreaths on every door, even in your bedrooms so everything, everywhere smelled of Christmas (to your fathers dismay but it was the '1' tree compromise). There were Christmas movies every other day and slumber parties in the living room so you could all sleep under or next to the tree, Christmas lights on all night. Christmas day was always madness, but we ended it snuggled up with leftovers, and in the last few years, the end of Christmas day saw us all gathered around the fire and tv while Ariel shushed anyone who made a sound during the Doctor Who Christmas specials? Somehow, this year, it feels like Christmas died with you baby girl. Last year we brought every angel, every cherished decoration, and all of your trees to the funeral home and church so we could say goodbye for the last time, 8 days before Christmas (1 yr ago today). It was appropriate you were laid to rest with all the trappings of the time of year you loved the most, but this year, red and green are colors of mourning for us all. None of us want to see Christmas anymore. There's no driving around neighborhoods to look at lights, no nutcracker ballet, no carols, no tree, no wreath, no advent calendar to countdown the days, no weekly regrets about letting the 3 of you have cocoa at night over stuffed with marshmallows leading to sugar induced late night whispering and giggling and cranky mornings. There's no sounds of the 3 of you laughing trying to get the cats out of the tree as the attacked my bird ornaments (which I was too stubborn to leave off the tree). And Dear God I miss the groans and laughter as your puppies chased the train under the tree, barked at it, knocked it off the train tracks, Squishy trying to imitate a Rottweiler barking at a little waving Santa train and flashing lights. God you laughed so hard at him that 1st Christmas Ari. But we all feel it, we've all said it, it's not Christmas without you. There's no joy this year and I can't help thinking of that . Watching happy families, or worse, whining shoppers complaining over long lines, full parking lots, trivial inconveniences over material things, it's just a sword that cuts us all way too deep. Quite honestly Christmas is becoming one more reason your Mother might need bail money baby girl. We're hiding from Christmas Ari - the way people hunker down for tornadoes and hurricanes. The only Christmas present each one of us wants is you back with us. There's nothing else any of us want as badly as we want this horrible nightmare to end and wake up to find you safe and sound tucked up in bed. It's ironic, the 3 of you watched this tv show every year, and this song used to make me roll my eyes. This year, I cried so hard when I heard it and I couldn't help but think how much the little girl looks like Elora right now, crying quietly over her artwork, wishing you were here, wishing we were all whole once more. It will be a blue Christmas without you, if it can even be called Christmas at all. I love you so much my angel girl - Mommy
Written Dec 10, 2013 1:17pm by Crystal GarianoRIP Ariel Gariano, you came into the world at 12:10pm on Aug 19, 1998. On Dec 10,2012 at 11:26 pm you breathed your courageous last and I pray you, your soul, your heart, are basking in the glory of the next world. My heart and soul vanished that late Monday night when you breathed your last in my arms Ariel Rose. Your heart beat on so strong, so determined, even though you couldn't breathe to feed it precious air any more. Your blue eyes remained closed as though in slumber, your chest stopped rising and falling and still the beat of your heart under my fingers was clear and strong like the wings of a bird fluttering, preparing for flight. Your lions heart still pounding as 3 nurses listened at your side stethoscopes drawn as they stood protectively around you...all of us helpless to do more than stand witness to your final moments in the body we all so dearly loved. In the middle of your chest, rested my hand, feeling your heart fight on, hard at first, than softer beats. than slow whisper beats, and finally silence. Thank you Haleema, Chuck, Vicki, Garin and Cat, for letting me be her Mom and helping me hold her and cradle her to the very last. Thank you for the smiles, tears and love that showered her in those final moments.
I just can't comprehend the world has gone on, moved forward an entire year without her. That Fentons and Zacharys, and Chinese Restaurants the Bay Area over, could still function with a profit without Ariel Rose seems incomprehensible. How can there be a Thursday night bingo, without a fluffy pink shakedown artist waiting in the wings of 5 South amusing her nurses, bouncing between bingo and baseball, and chili cheese fries at the oddest moments. How did Disney and Pixar make a single cent without Ariel pushing their products before the production team even decided on a name (as the child waited with baited breath for BRAVE when it is was simply, The Bear and The Bow). And how can Pokeman battle in this world without Ariel and Noah at the helm. And won't Jake Garcia and Pat Swift simply revert to mere muggles without their wizarding spell quizzes and surprise OWL testing, reminders that Latin isn't just for medicine anymore. And 'little Anne' along with her Romo plush tiger, don't travel with her everywhere. anymore. And no Ariel, I still don't know if Big Anne has seen an otter yet (which drove you nuts), though you still can remain proud you at least introduced your doctor from Wisconsin to salt water taffy in the ER. Otter nagging and taffy lessons all on that very same night, you showed a young wet, homeless man, that not all angels have wings, or hair. and instead of celestial song, they sometimes wheeze and cough blood, as you pressed into his hand all of your money, telling this lost and bewildered stranger, begging him to find shelter and get food. No matter how sick, no matter how much you hurt, you always worried about others, family, friends, and sometimes, no all times, strangers most of all. I must sound mad rambling like this but I don't how else to voice my frustration. They say time heals all wounds (an enormous lie) the say the pain of absence gets easier, but it's another lie. I don't want to get better and I don't want the pain to ease, I want you back Ariel. I want my beautiful girl whose tinkling laugh contained the sound of a thousand fairies, and your mischievous grin bore the mark of a thousand imps. I want my angel faced girl who wanted a pet tiger instead of a puppy. who only liked princesses that could rescue themselves. I want the child who brought me to my knees in sheer humility at her quiet moments of kindness and her wrath at any injustice or intolerance. I want my girl who believed in underdogs and miracles, because she believed in, NO she IS magic. I want the child, I didn't deserve, who laughed and loved and fought and cared for all, not when it was convenient, but with every breath she took. And most of all I want the one thing that can calm my soul, the feel of your arms around my neck, the words 'I love you Mommy' said in my ear followed by the disgusting feeling of a tongue licking the side of my face as you dissolved into giggles yelling "LION CUB KISSES! LION CUB KISSES". Oh how poor Dr Julie in Infectious Disease would be horrified by our favorite prank. I miss you my lion cub with a longing that can't be put into words. How the Earth continues to turn on it's axis without your immense heart on the land to keep it moving, I'll never know. I love you Ariel Rose to infinity squared - Mommy
Written Jan 10, 2013 7:29pm by Crystal Gariano1 month ago cradled in my arms fighting for each and every breath you finally drew your last. At 11:26 pm your tired heart finally came to peace fluttering under my hand like a small bird that had finally stopped fluttering it's wings and you left us hopefully for a better place.While my love, I am so glad you are no longer suffering there has been nothing kind or light since you left us Ariel. You were the very laughter that lived in my soul and the comedic joy that knit our family together and your absence is a void vaster than I could have ever dreamed possible. All the world is a haze of grey and pain since that moment came 1 mos ago and it only gets bleaker every day.Today has been horrible in ways I could have never foreseen and I wish with every fiber of my being that I was gone and with you right now, wherever that may be.I live in the present for your brother, sister and father who are just as lost without you but seem better equipped than I am to move forward. I had never considered that I sat in a hospital with you or at your side non stop for 2 yrs straight while everyone around us lived their lives around the disease not in the eye of the storm We lived to fight the disease and now with you no longer here to hold, to fight for, to cling too, I don't know who or what I am anymore. I am lost in a world that stopped for me Feb of 2011, I don't know the people around me, what they are doing, who've they've become.I dream of you constantly, reliving your last moments over and over, and I take full responsibility for all that occurred. I am so sorry my love, you begged me to save you and I failed you.I wake every morning and go to bed every night with a quiet prayer for death in the hopes of holding you and laughing with you once more.We will set the lanterns alight at 11:26 in memory of the moment you finally were freed of all your pain.and while I know it's not what you'd wish, know that right now the pain and the brokenness lives on because we loved you so dearly and are drowning in missing you.All My Love My Best Girl,Mommy