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Welcome to our CaringBridge website. We've created it to keep friends and family updated about our little Anya.
Visit often to read the latest journal entries, visit the photo gallery, and write us a note in our guestbook.
Anya approached her Mom and Dad in early April 2012 complaining of stomach pain and a pain in her side. She asked for some kind of medicine to help her tummy ache. She tried TUMS, which soon changed to Childrens Tylenol to cope with the pains. She never displayed a temperature or anything more than simple aches and pains of a growing nine year old child. After a few more nights of concerns and complaints of tummy pains though, Anya asked to see the family doctor. We took her to the Doctors office the next morning.
When we got to the Doctors office we discovered that she needed an x-ray to determine what was bugging her. When the X-ray came back we looked at it together and there was a strange shape to her left hip bone. The Doctor ordered an MRI to be done at Children's Hospital in St. Paul.
Anya and Dad went to the hospital. She did great in the tube, but her nerves were getting to her as she reached the half way point. Anya asked that Dad would sit in the room and hold her hand while she finished the test. It was a really special moment for Dad.
Dad recieved a call from the doctor's office that there was some sort of adnormality on the scans and that the doctor wanted to meet with Mom and Dad the following day. When we went to the office the next morning the Doctor confirmed that Anya has a tumor 4cm X 5cm X 5cm. Our worst nightmare confirmed. The Doctor said that most likely it is Ewings sarcoma, but further testing would need to be done to absolutely confirm the results. She stated that our Oncology team from Anya's brother was already alerted and working on the problem.
It probably seems unusual to come back to Anya's site on the day of Thanksgiving. It's been 7 months since our miss Ah left this dreary mortality and I cannot even imagine what kind of new adventures she has in Heaven! Or maybe she is busy bringing spirits to accepting the Gospel. Or maybe she heard Nadia yesterday that it is strange not to have snow on thanksgiving and she got busy doing her magic of convincing whoever is in charge of snow making to surprise us this morning here in MN.:) It sure made her brother beyond happy and excited to see snow on the ground.
In the meantime, we are entering this holiday season with heavy hearts and teary eyes. Anya LOVED holidays, she loved special meals and things we've done together as a family during this magical time. As I opened the door this morning letting the dog out, hearing the soft sound of her chimes on the deck, tears started streaming down my face, hoping she would stand there with me, so I could rub her bald head, or soft with fuzz head, or run my fingers through her long auburn hair just one more time, while we look in awe at that first fallen snow.
So, after a rough "feeling sorry for myself" day yesterday, and after some pondering through today, I find myself feeling grateful that I had the privilege to be a mother to such a special soul here on earth. With her existence, she changed our family. Our struggles are not in any way diminished, but they helped us to see through clear lenses, what this life is all about. There are so many distractions here on earth, but at this time all that matters is to live life worthy to return back to our Heavenly Father and be all together as a family in eternity.
I miss my dear girl so much that it causes me physical pain, and no one can do anything to change that until I will somehow be capable to live with that grief carried around in some invisible suitcase. Anya was so wise to let us know that she didn't want us to stop living and we are all trying to follow her wishes. But I want to miss her, I want to hear her name, I want to talk about her, I want to see her pictures and with that I never want Evan to forget her. She is our personal angel now. She is not dead to us, she is just waiting for us somewhere else.
Today I am grateful for raw emotions and feelings. They are signs that we continue living even though without Anya's physical presence. I am grateful for our faith, I am so grateful for Christ's atonement which allows us to live here on earth with a sense of direction and hope for something beautiful and better beyond mortality.
Because of Anya's departure, I value relationships within the family on a different level. I wish I could turn the clock back and have fewer expectations, be more gentle, pick my battles... But experience teaches us, makes us wiser. Without loss we would never be who we are today. There is opposition in everything... I am grateful for our sweet Evan who doesn't even know what a blessing he is to us! I am so thankful for Nadia who loves her little brother and does such beautiful job of continuing her life without her big brother around and her " dance partner" sister leaving her outnumbered. I can't wait to see what wonderful things she'll do in her future. And how proud I am of our Peter, who is putting his personal life on hold by serving the people of far away Russia as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! This experience is changing him already, just after 3 months of being away...
Mortality is not easy, but it's all gonna be worth it someday. Today I choose to be grateful and by doing that I'll learn how to be happy again. Thank you for reading this post. Because if you are, it means in some way through our journey you helped us. And we hope it will come back to you tenfold...