ONE YEAR AGO THIS WEEK …
My tumor was discovered. I had my first MRI on 8/31/07, right after Erin’s birthday, and we met with the neurosurgeon a few days later. As I slid into the scanner tube for that MRI, I truly had no idea anything was wrong (in fact, I was annoyed with my overly cautious doctor for making me get the expensive scan). But now I am so thankful to him. Finding it when we did, rather than years later when it got big enough to cause seizures or other symptoms, has changed everything. It’s almost certainly added many years to my life. It’s changed how I look at each day, how I look at my husband and kids, and my future. I am grateful for so very many things – and SO glad that we advocated for the best medical care and didn’t take no for an answer when we knew in our hearts that surgery was the right thing to do. That’s one of the take-home messages of this experience: you are a health care consumer! If your doctor isn’t listening to your concerns, won’t take you seriously, or you suspect you’re being told everything is fine because s/he doesn’t want you to feel “anxious” – find a new doctor! Just like you’d dump your hair stylist or mechanic for a better one if you weren’t happy with the service. It’s your life, and it’s your right to get as many opinions as you need.
Ok, off my soapbox now …. but seriously, if we’d listened to the first or second surgeon, we’d have wasted our golden opportunity to get the jump on this tumor and buy a lot of time. Can you tell I feel strongly about this?!
I’m continuing to recover and feel stronger each day (except for the nasty head cold I have right now). Back at work too, although not full time yet, and it feels good to get out of the house and go to the office. But I feel different – not quite the same person as before. Maybe some of this is from tiredness, or the surgery-induced fog, but maybe some of it is just the new me. I forget things – my short term memory is shot. I lock my keys in the car. I feel discombobulated. The part of me that’s always planning a week or two ahead isn’t functioning; I’m more “in the moment” now and things catch me by surprise or unprepared. I don’t think ahead beyond the current day/hour. I have to make lists and carry them with me everywhere. Tonight was Erin’s first night of dance class, and I completely forgot to take her. She missed the class. I feel like such an idiot – this isn’t ME!! Or maybe it is now? I keep hoping the fog will clear and I’ll be sharper, or it will get better once I’m back to a truly normal work/home daily schedule. We’ll see. Until then, maybe I can learn to enjoy my new ability to live in the moment.
Big news on the home front: Kyle is out of his crib and settled into his new big-boy bed! He LOVES it. We have also taken away the nighttime binky. This he does not love. I explained that binkies are for babies, and he’s a big boy now. He repeated this to me many times tonight at bedtime (trying to convince himself, I think). It is painful for all of us, but it was time. My baby boy’s getting so grown up!
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