CaringBridge Is Funded by People Like You

Make a donation to CaringBridge

Honor Alina with a tax-deductible contribution to CaringBridge today.

Click here to make your donation.

learn to fly

I am so sorry, it has been a while since I updated. Things have been so busy, returning to work of course, and this week I started driving again! 
Those who know me personally know I am petrified of driving. I didn't get my license til December last year, when I was 16 I would get behind the wheel and start to cry. No joke. I am finally starting to enjoy driving. Maybe it is having the control to do what I want (to an extent). 
Putting the scooter in and out of the car is rough, but I'm getting better at it. I use my left knee in the trunk as balance, and now that the snow has come I'm getting snow everywhere. Maybe I need knee pads?

Two weeks ago I didn't post about it (too sad) but I saw the spine doctor and learned that there was never any anticipation that my back would improve. We were just waiting to see if it would get any better.
That was a little painful to learn, that my back would always be fractured and I would likely always have pain. 
This lovely woman from work who is also a yoga instructor plans to do some back strengthening yoga with me at lunch twice a week, which I really think will strengthen those back muscles and hopefully hold that broken vertebrae in place better. The bone fragments will eventually dissolve. 

Sometimes it feels like I cope with things in waves. I cope with whatever is new with my health, returning to work, driving, etc, and continuously learn new ways that this has affected my life. 
The new hurdle is realizing the loss of my independence. The pain of going from living alone, supporting myself, keeping my own schedule and having my own life to living with my mother with a severely broken foot. It feels like being 16 again. No belongings, to place to live, no money to move out with and living under the rules of whomever I'm living with. It hurts my heart to have everything taken away. I fought hard for independence, railed against my mother most of my youth. Getting out on my own was a long battle that I worked hard towards, I saved for months, planned out what I needed room by room. Now back to square one. I feel humiliated that I am 22 years old and using the line "Oh I can't, my mom wants me to be back by ___ o clock"
I know it will get better and I'll get back out there but it's causing me a lot of anguish right now having to be so codependent. 
I plan to make a wish list of items I need, to maybe get some assistance in moving out. I have this vision of what the apartment will look like....

But onto happier news. I went to see my foot surgeon yesterday and was told I can now start putting light weight on my left foot, about 30 pounds. 
I knew it felt better, I knew it felt like it could take weight. I had been secretly testing it out, seeing what I can handle. I KNOW my body, this keeps happening to me. When both my feet were broken I knew my right foot didn't feel as bad and was secretly putting weight on the heel, then was told it was okay. The back brace didn't feel necessary, I knew in my heart of hearts I didn't need it. It got removed 6 weeks early. I started putting secret weight on my left foot, and now can do 30 pounds on it. This means using crutches, which I despise, but I'm going to try to tool around home on them.
Here is me taking my first light steps on my left foot.  I hope the link works!
But here is the bigger news.
In one month, I have permission to start putting full weight on my foot. 
He said that and it was like I went deaf and couldn't here anything else that was said. A MONTH TIL I CAN START WALKING. 
I'll still be staying in the fracture boot, probably for a while, and I still have my last surgery at the end of December. But I will be walking by the end of November! I feel like crying and giving an Oscar speech "Thank you for all the people that helped me along the way....I couldn't have done it without you!"
I know it will be like my other milestones. I will feel when it is time, feel when my body is ready to walk, and I will do it. The first night in my new bed I dreamed of seamlessly transitioning into walking. It will happen. 
I plan to use the scooter when I'm out, because I can't really do long distances, but crutch walking putting light weight on my left foot at home. Train up to using just crutches. 
Can you believe it has been 3 months, and in 4 I will be walking? I can't believe how easy it was to forget how to walk. 3 months of not touching my foot to the floor, the body learns to avoid that limb. To purposely put pressure on it feels crazy and foreign. If I was healed enough right now and you said "Walk across the hallway", I couldn't do it. I don't know how to take a normal step anymore. It will take a while but I'll get it back. I will be back to normal, as much as possible. The surgery changed the shape of my left foot, it's longer and thinner than the right so I may just have to wear bigger shoes. Our foot surgeon friend thinks I need to get nice orthodics, which is likely true.

Some life changes will need to be made for me to get through my day to day life for a while, but the good thing is the light at the end of the tunnel has just become visible and I am slowly limping towards it, first on a wheelchair, then a scooter, and now crutches.....