This entry is going to be lengthy as there is a lot to tell. I could actually write my book based solely on the past few months. The past few months I have experienced every emotion possible – from one extreme to the other. I’m going to do my best to start out at the beginning so you can have the true understanding of how God has worked in our lives. Throughout this entire journey I have believed God has told me Adam would be healed. I’ve prayed that Adam’s accident would be used for God’s glory and that he would be a disciple for Jesus. I’ve prayed for wisdom and knowledge for our family, for God to use us. I’ve prayed for understanding. I’ve petitioned God in the name of Jesus and I’ve quoted scripture. I’ve read daily bible readings and have begged for that true relationship with God. There are so many times I feel his complete presence and there are other times I feel he is so distant. I’ve learned through Bible readings to keep pushing forward and to trust only him. Even when we can’t feel him near, he is there. We’ve continued to push forward waiting on Adam’s healing. Along with that amazing relationship with God comes that spiritual warfare. I’ve read about it, but haven’t experienced it the way I have the past few months. My faith and trust have been tested. I’ve learned that God uses his people to send forth his blessings. I’ve asked God why he chose to save Adam and use him. The devil has been in my ear telling me you are nobody, why would God use your family. I’ve felt there is nothing I have to offer. I haven’t been the perfect Christian. I have sinned A LOT. While the devil taunts God works and helps us overcome our fears. God is in that other ear telling me he loves me. His word is what I cling to and trust. I prayed about this entry and asked God if I was suppose to share. I opened my bible and was brought to Isaiah 49. The explanation in my bible for this Chapter is, “Before the Servant, the Messiah, was born, God had chosen him to bring the light of the gospel to the world. Christ offered salvation to all nations, and his apostles began the missionary movement to take this gospel to the ends of the earth. Missionary work today continues Jesus’ great commission, taking the light of the gospel to all nations. Do you support evangelism and missionary efforts with your money? Do you have talent or other resources to help spread the message of Christ? God wants you to be involved. How can you help?” Wow, isn’t it amazing how the Word of God works? <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
I felt my patience being tested when Adam’s homebound therapist would see him. I felt discouraged because he would not participate with them. They have never seen his full ability. One day when they left my house I was upset. As I was driving to pick the kids up from school I heard the song “Don’t Give Up” by Calling Glory. The only part of that song I paid attention to was “don’t give up”. I took a different route home that day because I had to take Rush to the dentist. I passed a church sign that said, “Never Give Up”. I thought to myself, “Wow God if you are speaking to me can I see that for a third time.” That night I was doing a project with Rush and the letter N for his project was Never Give Up. I thanked God for that amazing moment. I definitely needed that encouragement that day. Little did I know the impact that phrase and song was going to have on me.
The past few months have been up and down. Adam had major kidney stone problems. We found the kidney stone during a hospital visit for pain. The kidney stone was blasted by the use of lithotripsy and for six weeks, once a week Adam passed kidney stone pieces. Those weeks were horrible. He was in excruciating pain and ran a dangerously high fever from the pain. We survived those weeks and all was well for a few weeks. Adam began doing very well in therapy. I have several videos posted on my facebook page to show his improvements.
Last Friday, the 9th, we relived May 18, 2010 all over. I felt my entire world was caving in. The Thursday night before Adam began acting like he was in pain. The pain would come and go. By Friday morning he was so worked up and had a very high fever. I thought he was passing the last kidney stone that we knew was still in his right kidney. Adam went into a full blown seizure. He has never had a seizure so this was terrifying. I called 911 and that ride to OLOL was the longest. I was terrified, confused, and still clinging to hope. One part of me asked God why, I thought he had already shown me Adam was going to get better. I thought my child was dying and I would be alone with him. The other part of me rebuked the devil and held onto the faith I had. Confusing, yes. The emotions were so hard to understand. I know that God knows my heart. They finally got Adam stable and he was admitted to PICU. Between Saturday and Sunday Adam had ten more episodes where his face would twitch on the right side. The doctor’s went up on his Keppra dose and added another seizure medication. There have been a few other issues, but all is well now. He was doing so well at therapy and home and BAM, this happened. He was knocked out with Ativan and was given a lot more seizure meds. It’s hard seeing him completely out of it when he was doing so well. The seizure meds are making him extremely tired, but I’m not going to take him off. We will wait patiently for his body to adjust. It may take some time for him to be back where he was, but I know he will get there. Even through the extreme fatigued he managed to follow a command with his right leg today. As I was bending his leg up and down I stopped and asked him if he could push his leg down. He did this for me four times. Adam has never done anything like that with his right side, especially on command. Just another one of God’s amazing signs of encouragement that I am oh so grateful for. As I type this update I am listening to my boy snore very loud. It looks as though he will be going home tomorrow. This past week has been terrifying to say the least, but God has really shown up. I am so thankful for his mercy and grace. This is where the spiritual warfare begins.
Every night when I pray I pray for understanding, for wisdom, and guidance. I pray for God to reveal his plan for not only Adam, but our entire family. I pray for a closer relationship with God. One of the main scriptures I reflect on every time I pray is Matthew 7:7, “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” One night while on the way back to the hospital I was terrified. I cried and cried and begged God to help. As I pulled into the hospital to park the song, “Never Give Up” came on. Very emotional I thanked God once again. However, for a few days I still had that sick empty pit in my stomach. I heard that voice telling me, Haylie God would not talk to you like that. Who are you for God to be so near? The devil is not nice. I couldn’t eat much because of that sick feeling. One day when I was taking the kids to school I began to once again crying pleading for God to show me the way. Again, “Never Give Up” came on. Only this time my attention was brought to every word of the chorus.
“Don’t Give Up” by Calling Glory
“Don't give up
and help is surely on its way
and don't give up
and the dark is breaking in today
and just keep on moving through these storms
and soon enough you'll find the door
just don't give up
oh and don't give up”
Ah hah, I feel God may be saying, hello girl I am speaking clearly to you. I heard more than Don’t Give Up. That sick feeling I had instantly went away. I was good for a while, but still that nagging voice was there. No matter how much I rebuked the devil I still heard the negative. I felt I was failing God and was losing hope in the fact that he was clearly speaking to me. The more I felt God the more the devil worked. I was going to share this experience with everyone on facebook, but as soon as I was ready to hit post the computer went crazy and my post was erased. At that moment I was upset. I couldn't redo it because Adam started acting up and I had to go to the hospital at 10pm. I thought maybe the devil was mad because I was going to share how amazing our God is and how he works. I look back now and think maybe it was simply the fact that God didn't want me to share at that time. Maybe he wanted me to wait until now so the whole picture could be shown.
I finally had enough I went home on Thursday night, grabbed my Bible and hit the floor in the kids bathroom. I cried out to God, I petitioned God in the name of Jesus. I told him Adam was at the feet of Jesus. I begged God to speak to me through his word. With my eyes closed I opened my bible and this is where I was led, Matthew 15:29-31, “Jesus returned to the sea of Galilee and climbed a hill and sat down. A vast crowd brought to him people who were lame, blind, crippled, those who couldn’t speak, and many others. They laid them before Jesus, and he healed them all. The crowd was amazed! Those who hadn’t been able to speak were talking, the crippled were made well, the lame were walking, and the blind could see again! And they praised the God of Israel.” Again, WOW, but that voice still nagged, Haylie who are you for God to speak to that way, you are crazy.
The next night I hit the floor praying Adam would be a disciple for Jesus. Again with eyes closed I opened my bible and was led to Ezra 5. My Bible explanation for this chapter is, “God appoints prophetic voices to help us with our work. Their ministry should have the same effect upon us as Haggai’s and Zechariah’s had on Israel. One who prophesies strengthens others, encourages them, and comforts them. In turn we should encourage those who bring God’s words to us.” In the middle of this reading I got a phone call from another TBI mom. I’ve had the pleasure of speaking with her once or twice, but never met face to face. She gave me some encouraging words and I hope I was able to help her too.
So, now I’m beginning to see what that spiritual warfare is all about. I’m learning real quick the devil “tries” to work just as hard as God. He will work if we allow him to. He will not deter my faith and trust in God’s word. I know God loves me enough to speak to me in ways I never dreamed he would or could. And, I promise you if God loves me that much he loves you all too. It takes a lot of effort and trust, but when we allow him to speak to us he will comfort us in so many ways.
The next night I prayed for wisdom and understanding of his word. I prayed I would be able to clearly understand when he was speaking to me. Again, through his word I was led to Proverbs which speaks a lot about wisdom.
So, with all that being said I will continue to praise God through this storm. I will ask him to forgive me when I fall short and feel my trust and faith slipping. Had we not been through this storm there are many doors that would have not been open. I know I would’ve never experienced God’s word the way I have.
I follow a TBI patient named Thomas Joseph Stanton on caringbridge. I often read his journal updates, but never do I look in his guestbook to read what others have posted. For some reason today I was led to look at his guestbook. The first post was from someone who was giving TJS’s mom information about another TBI patient they follow. That TBI patient happened to be a girl I also follow, but haven’t checked up on in a long time. The post was about the International Brain Research Foundation. Hmmmm, a random person post on the wall of a kid in Houston, Texas about a kid in Illinois and I happen to have both of them on Adam’s CB. WOW! We have gone through a major storm and I’m wondering if this is a door that needs to be open. I am not completely sure, but will pray about it. I’m going to contact the IBRF. They have some amazing doctors that do research and have been very successful with TBI patients. They will send doctors to your house for evaluations. I do not know if this is something Adam will qualify for, but I don’t feel the door should be ignored. If it is God’s will I know he will provide a way. If it is not I’m ok too. I trust God has Adam’s best interest at heart. In no way shape or form do I believe these doctors will heal Adam. I know God is the only one who will heal him. However, I believe God uses his people in amazing ways. Please pray that if this is something for Adam that God would reveal that and guide the way for it to happen. For more information about this amazing foundation you can visit, www.ibrfinc.org.
I was told we could’ve gone home today if we had a feeding pump. They were suppose to bring one Friday and show me how to use it, but they didn’t. If it comes in tomorrow we can go home. It’s crazy to think we are here just because of a piece of equipment. However, I will patiently wait as I saw today everything happens for a reason. Opportunities would have been missed had we gone home today.
I want to thank everyone for their continued thoughts and prayers. There is absolutely no way we could get through this all without God. He hears every cry and knows every heart. We love you all very very much and will be forever grateful. Please continue to pray for Adam’s complete healing. Pray that any fear I am consumed with when we go home will be removed. Please pray for no more seizures and that his body will adjust to his meds soon. I’m holding tight to the Word of God.