9/30
Happy Birthday Sandy!!!
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Dear Family and Friends,
Christian went to heaven 9 months ago today. It is so hard to believe it has been 9 months now. While we keep hearing "It gets easier with time", we are having a hard time believing that. The early months are very hard but you have brief 'breaks' because you are still in shock. It doesn't feel real. Now the shock is long gone and reality is blatantly harsh. We see Christian's friends taking their driving lessons (which he so looked forward to doing), having fun in high school, growing taller, looking like young men and women, and just growing up. We are SO happy to see it but our hearts also wish we could see Christian enjoy all of those things. It is so hard to 'accept' the fact that we won't get to watch him grow up, graduate, get married, have kids, etc. I really try NOT to think about what we will miss because that is heart-breaking, but it is hard not to when I see others around him doing some of these things. So thank God for getting to see your child play soccer, baseball, basketball, football, etc., perform in a play, drive, go on first date, graduate, tuck them into bed, pray with them, hug/kiss them, and anything else they do. You are blessed!!
This weekend Garrett and Kendall went to one more bereavement camp with the Cousineau kids. It was in Malibu and is called Comfort Zone Camp (CZC). http://www.comfortzonecamp.org/ We drove up to Malibu with the Cousineau's and had a great visit with Gina on the way back. Gina and I talked to the founder of CZC and told her we would love to help her bring CZC to OC. There is nothing like it in OC for grieving kids!! We drove 3 hours to Malibu and another 2+ home to get our kids there. We have a huge need for this kind of camp in OC (unfortunately) and we hope we can help them hold one here. I have given them my contact information and told them to call me so I can help them do this. When Gina and I get on a mission, we are determined! I really hope we can help them make this possible. The people who run it are just wonderful and we are very thankful for them! The camp has lots of volunteers and each child has a big buddy that is one on one with them. They are in groups together, but get lots of individual attention. They do things to honor and reflect on their loved one, but also have lots of camp fun. Both G and K loved it and want to return to CZC next year. I would love to be a volunteer at one of their camps in the future. Since the kids were gone, Gary and I decided to tackle the big "Seattle pile" that stares at us in the corner of our room. It is a scary pile for me because I have tried to tackle it several times and it has left me depressed and crying all day in bed. Not fun!! I told Gary I need him to do it with me, so that is what we did all day Saturday. It SUCKED!!! By 4:00 we were both crying and sick to our stomachs. Gary found Christian's 13th birthday card with $$ in it that we gave him the day before he was diagnosed. We also found some of his favorite comic books and drawings. I saw SO many of his daily blood labs and tons of bills that had several procedures on them that Christian had to endure. I remembered each procedure and how he suffered so much through them. Dozens and dozens of bone marrow aspirates/lumbar punctures with sedation, endoscopy/sigmoidoscopys, MRIs, Cat Scans, Physical therapy appts., Total Body Irradiation, blood/platelet transfusions, test results revealing his relapses, etc. It breaks my heart that he had to endure such extreme pain and suffering. Even though he was SO heroic and didn't complain ever, he was still sad and in pain daily. I know it was scary for him to be bleeding out ALL over ALL day EVERY day too. Can you imagine doing that? Gary and I went to church after we cleaned up and I then proceeded to cry from the first song until the closing song. There is something about songs at church that really makes the tears flow. I told my friend after church that I absolutely YEARN for Christian. I need to give/get/feel a big "Christian hug" but I can't. My birthday is tomorrow 9/30 and the only thing I can think of when people say "What do you want?' is "I want Christian back healthy." That is just me being selfish because I know he wouldn't want to come back. He is healthy in heaven with God, other family members, and lots of other great kids who are angels too having a wonderful time. I hope he is playing soccer, golf, guitar hero :), and doing the other things he loved. Gary and I decided we should do a 'date night' and go out to eat. We deserved it after the day we had. After eating we watched a comedy...we needed a laugh! We got through about half of the pile and probably won't tackle the rest for a long time. It is just TOO hard!! I am glad we got through some of it though!
Next thing to tackle is ordering Christian's headstone. The thought of doing that makes me physically sick. I still can't believe our son died and we have to do it. It is so permanent and I want it to be honoring to him and depict his legacy. I don't think we can fit all we want to put on it in a little square marker, but we will do our best. Unfortunately in Cali we can't have the big ones.
We are going to have a good week! This past weekend was so hard on us emotionally, so I am determined for our family to have a good week!
Please pray for God to continue to comfort our hearts and those others who have to live their lives without their precious child. All grieving parents yearn for their kids even though we are so thankful they are in heaven with God, our other loved ones, and other awesome kids we have met along the way. Please remember to be thankful for your kids even if they don't always make good choices. Hug them often and tell them you love them!! They are blessings!!
A Lane All Your Own
It’s neither life in the fast lane, nor life in the slow lane
Its life in a lane all your own
Where you find out your strength, bravery, courage and more
Where you learn you can’t do it alone
The words come so swiftly, their force like none other
“Your child has cancer, you see.”
The rug has been pulled from right ‘neath your feet
Your hope is that this cannot be
You heart skips a beat, your knees start to tremble
You sit before you fall down
Your mind is spinning, your stomach is churning
Your face is all scrunched in a frown
You gather your wits, you take a deep breath
You pray for God’s touch from above
Because the fight for a life, your daughter, your son
Is going to take more than just love
It’s a journey ongoing, a long road ahead
But a trial God thinks we can face
All the tests and needles, the IVs and tubes
How’d we end up in this place?
The doctors and nurses, the surgery and chemo
Is there light at the end of the tunnel
The ups and the downs of this cancer coaster
The feel of being sucked through a funnel
You see little warriors, bearing big battle scars
Each scar speaks a story so well
It’s the tough cancer fighter, with God on his side
Telling cancer to go back to hell
But cancer doesn’t ever abide by the rules
A cheap shot, then told of relapse
You feel the breath rush from your lungs in a gust
Thinking of "what ifs" and "perhaps"
We’re left with the question of what next to do
Is there something we haven’t tried yet
Radiation, antibodies, more chemo or what
On what should we place the next bet
We fight all the harder, a route we must take
There’s no question, not even a doubt
It’s the fact that we haven’t but one way to go
It’s our future we can’t do without
The journey might show a happy ending or sad
It may close with the greatest heartbreak
But we must plod on, until this war is won
Because we know just what’s at stake
C. K. Hood
*In honor of those who’ve not only earned their wings far too soon, but for those still fighting, those who have survived AND for the families of any child that has been touched by this monster.
Love,
Sandy, Gary, ^^Christian^^, Garrett, & Kendall
