Journal

Wednesday, July 1, 2009 1:19 AM CDT

Finally it got through to me how much I spread out myself.
Hahaha, I used to be the one most on top of music and all the styles. However, as a kid, I was ridiculed for it, until a Popular person agreed it was okay.
Anyway, there are those who are easy in life and explanation, then there are those who are not. I am of the latter form. We have a dish and in the spring when our tree blooms the channels hit and miss. Suffering from a hideous flu....NO NOT SWINE FLU that we know of...anyway, I decided to see what channels we did get. WOW, I hit upon MTV and MTV2 when they actually played music. And I hit them when they played music that I LOVED! Nothing against rap. I like certain songs and artists, but....
Well, When Aizee got dxed, music took a back seat. All of our time, energy and money went to her.
Still does. However, I do not even have a car stereo that works. I do not even own an ipod. The last new cd I got was a bday present and that was in January and I bought it myself.
I feel like I am doing somthing wrong...or have things wrong. I love music. I used to know how to play up to five instruments. I used to be on top of all of artists. Now when I hear a new band I learn they came out like 3 years ago. So, I guess I can chalk it up to karma. I used to feel so smug when I knew this or that beyond others. Gradually though, the things get flipped.
Ha, like today, I love Mathew and Jess, but wow, wouldn't it be awsome if we could all make our careers and fortunes then decide to have kids? And keep our figures? How would it be? And if there was an issue, say cancer, or any other problem, then wow, it is not on us! Damn those surrogate parents! NOT MY GENES! My FORTUNE and REP are in tact! To hell with those regular folks! Same with John and Kate Plus Eight and that other HUMUNGOUSE family....
What about us regular hard working HONEST folk who do our best. If it were not for family and friends to help we would be on the poverty pay list? Why do those who do so little get so much and those who suffer so much get so screwed?

Not to mention those you know for such a small time but make a huge impact on a life!
I took care of this woman who passed away and I am still devestated from it! To this day I find things I so want to discuss with her. Not to say we always agreed, but we had so much fun pointing out every angle. I so miss that!
Aizee goes in for heart reconsrtuction PROCEEDURE...do not mistake that for a SURGERY on July 7th. Tonight I had a heart to heart with Rob about my anger issues from the past to now. Not to say I don't want others involved but basically, I was the only one involved the entire time of Aizees issues until now. People who care now, where were you when she first got sick. where were you when they thought I was abusing her? where were you when she was nuetrapenic ect. Where were you through all of it? NO WHERE! Gifts great. Nuni came to help but she was so upset and all of that ( Basket Case) I had to tend to her along with the kids, pets, house, and not to kill my husband...
Not to say the gifts and well wishes where not welcome, but then I had not met most of you. It was like some person from a long ago photgraph sent a gift and you are told this is from so and so...and you are like, oh! Great Thanks! And it was a great gift, and the guilt of not being able to afford to send a similar gift, or remember to send a thank-you note or anything back, and the longer you regret not acknwledgeing the gift ect the greater the guilt...
Then you meet these people and they have these fantastic perfect houses and lives.
You realize you used to have that once. And your dream for your family and children and relatives was that way. It all got taken away. And ( yes hello english profs, sentences do not start with and, get over it or fuck off )
and, and you all fought for survival. and, wow, Rob and I beat the odds, despite how much hurt and betrayal happend, 90percent of cancer parents divorce.
We happen to have neighbors who now do what we always wanted. Like they are living the life we wanted. Along with relatives. However, we also lived in other regions. Hours away from people due to my almost being shot to death by a neighbor.
I guess I am hard to anger unless you judge me and mine.
I may not have a million school degrees or any of that. I do have a lot of life experience. I have known the low to the low, iI know the worst kings of gangsters, I can go into a ghetto and be okay. I can go into any posh house and fit in.
Where I get into trouble is when I actually want to be afraid of letting my guard down.
I am only being this weak because Aizee has to have her heart worked on in July. Here is a catch 22. if not for her cancer, they would never have done echos on her. But without the echos the heart issue would never have been known. A problem that could have killed her later in life. So....yay for Doxy or what? I mean, stop messing with my head!
Plus, give me credit for being the person I am. I have always wanted to be an aunt, and here, I am afraid to invite any relative to my house. West VS East!
I always wanted to be an aunt and I always wanted a sister in law. But how to talk to one who has the entire world at her feet? In fact, every single relative here has huge money jobs. Rob and I are considered the failures.
Every child dreams. What kid dreams of this?
I have a ton of friends who love us dearly and we love them.
I am okay with that. However, I was brought up with no family and I always dreamed of it.
My kids and us are okay. That is what matters!
Thanks for reading!
NEVER EVER FORGET the impact of friends
I had and still had friends during all of Aizees problems. I could have taken great advantage of them. However, they where young women like me, but still on the path of parenthood. Those friends who have always loved and cherished me as a friend and a soul confidant I did not want to pollute with the issues we had. And I am at times still hesitant to do so....
I have new friends here....I guess one day I should tell the story from start to end.
BUT To DEB! You have ALWAYS had my back and I will alway always always love you for that! Thank you!

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Patient Room: WE ARE HOME! YAY

Primary Childrens Medical Center
100 N Medical Drive
Salt Lake City, Ut
1-801-588-2000

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