History

Journal History

Wednesday, May 25, 2016 10:47 AM CDT

Dearest Adrienne,

I have finally figured out how to regain access to the journal entries for this site. It has been many, many years since I have updated it, although I have put my thoughts in the guestbook from time to time.

This is a season of celebration for our family and although you are here with us in spirit, your absence is so greatly felt. Your siblings are getting on in life.

Daddy and I just celebrated 29 years of marriage.

Mother's Day was a couple of weeks ago. You are the first to make me a mother 26 years ago.

Brandice just graduated with a Master's Degree.

Tre' just graduated high school, got his Eagle Scout, and is on his way to college.

Charis (Boosey) just got her 3rd degree blackbelt in Tae Kwon Do.

And you are still gone. You are the empty seat at every celebration dinner. Even your best friend Nekia is about to get married and you are going to miss it. You would be turning 27 this year. Of your 4 closest friends, 3 are married, 2 are mothers, 3 have graduated college, 2 have masters degrees, 2 own their own houses. What would you have been doing if you were still here? We will never know, though we try hard to imagine.

We try to keep your presence in everything we do. Our family is not complete without you. Brandice was recently heartbroken over losing a handwritten note from you. Tre' wanted to make sure there was a photo of you on his memory board for graduation and plans on taking Lionel with him to college. Charis wants to put your nickname for her on her jersey when she goes to college. Daddy and I bring you up in conversation often.

Everything about you is here except for your physical presence. To say we miss you is the understatement of a lifetime.

Love,

Mama

Saturday, January 15, 2011 2:08 PM CST

My Adrienne,

It has been 8 years today since you left us. It is yet another cold and rainy January 15th. I don't know why it is always cold and rainy on this day. Is the world sad because you are gone? I doubt it. We have learned in the past few years that not even close "family" has felt your loss as much as your father, mother, sisters, and brother. Even going so far as to hurl the most horrid and vicious words about your death to wound us so we would never rise from our pain again.

The pain of not having you with us is forever a part of life. It is the thorn in our side. It keeps us humble. It helps us to minister to others who are wounded and can't see tomorrow. In a message I listened to this week, Chuck Swindoll said, "A broken heart is great preparation for healing fractured lives." I think I can safely say we've been prepared.

The testimony of your life and death opens doors to be able to minister to others who've shut themselves out because they couldn't find others who had walked the depth of that pain. As I have always said, not everyone is qualified to walk with you through the valley of the shadow of death, yet at some point, we will all walk through it. It is not an optional part of the course. We would do well to consider how we treat people who are in that valley.

I am reminded of something you told me once about the ministry of dance. You said that people come to church with their heart closed up tight like a fist and that your ministry of dance softens it and opens it up just wide enough to get the seed of the Word in it and once that is planted it can grow. You may not be physically dancing in front of us, Adrienne, but the testimony of your life and faith is still softening up some of those tightly closed hearts. You are still ministering from heaven.

Yet even in all that, we still miss the essence of YOU. Your inability to finish a paragraph, your cooky sense of humor, eavesdropping on your imaginary conversations in the bathroom, your way off answers to some questions but incredibly perceptive answers to others, your hair sticking up on the top of your head in the morning, the way you held a glass without using your thumb, your folding up the edge of your plate to scrape the food onto your fork, the notes you and Brandice used to write to each other when you were supposed to be doing school work, your terrible spelling and handwriting, your cackling laugh, your "daycare" when you babysat and had the kids all laid out on mats with the lights dimmed and classical music playing, your daydreaming and mischievous smile when you got caught, your great grilled cheese sandwiches. We just miss YOU.

Love,

Mama

**************************************

Daddy longs for his PEANUT. But as mamma said, those things are true, but the ironic thing is your youngest sister acts just like you. Are you telling her to do that?

Daddy

Sunday, January 3, 2010 1:39 PM CST

Dear Adrienne,
A couple of minutes ago I was thinking that in less than 6 months you will have been gone for seven years. On one hand I want to ask, has it really been seven years? It seems like just yesterday. On the other hand, has it only been that long? Being without you feels like an eternity. I'm 18 now, Adrienne. Why am I here without you? When will I stop asking why? I have discovered this week that I hate silence because it so glaringly reminds me of the absence of your voice. Sometimes I wonder why I even write to you here. Maybe something in me still wishes you could answer.
love,
Brandice

My Peanut, Daddy misses you sooo much! As I look at your picture here on my desk I can remember your questions you asked me when we first arrived in Tx..but I won't place them here. You were so funny and out there. That still makes Daddy smile. Your little sister Charis is just like you! I can't believe the similarities! But there is only one Peanut and that is you. Daddy misses his PEAUNT!!

Hey Adrienne, I am soooooooooooo exited about being in Heaven wth u. Also, you would love the newest Mario Party. (it is off the hook.) lolz Miss ya so much. xoxoxoxoxo P.S. i got an iPod!!!!!
Tre'

happy birthday adreinne
Charis

Friday, January 1, 2010 1:08 PM CST

Thursday, March 19, 2009 1:43 AM CDT

Just a quick note my sweet girl. Charis has discovered your piano lesson books. She has taught herself to play some of your early lesson songs. Tonight I had to go into her room and she was asleep on her bed. I couldn't help but notice how much she looks like you when she is sleeping.

I miss you. All the time.

Love,

Mama

Sunday, October 12, 2008 11:50 PM CDT

My dear sweet daughter,

I miss you greatly. Every now and then, I get an intense longing for your presence. Tonight that happened at dinner. We were enjoying ourselves and our Sunday dinner. On Sundays we get out the china with the gold flatware and the crystal because I decided that having dishes in the cabinet and never using them just was not acceptable to me. While we were eating and talking and laughing, I glanced around the table at your daddy, your brother, your cousin, and both your sisters, and I longed to see your face laughing and eating with us. You know, just the ordinary mundane parts of life. I want to be adding your clothes to the washer along with everyone else's. I want to add all the places you need to be to the calendar with all the places we need to be.

I'm not even thinking. If you were here, you'd likely be away at college anyway. If that were the case, I'd be looking at your Facebook page just like I look at your friends' pages. I want to see your status change when you're in the library studying or complaining about your homework, or confused over some decision you have to make. I just wish so much you were a part of my present and not now a part of my past. I long to have you here with me now. I want to hold your hand. I want to kiss your face. I want to hear you laugh. The 13 years you were here went by much too quickly, but the 5 years you have been gone seem like an eternity.

I miss you my dancing angel.

XOXOXOX

Love,

Mama

Monday, July 7, 2008 11:22 PM CDT

As a family who has endured the loss of 2 family members who loved the Lord, our hearts go out to the family of Rev. Timothy Wright at the passing of his wife Betty and their 14 year old grandson D.J.

We also extend our hearts to the families of Bro. Milfred Roy and Pastor Floyd Fontenot.

Grief is such a terrible weight to bear. It takes many to hold up those who are weighed down by it. Those of you who know the words of pray, pray for those who mourn.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Friday, May 2, 2008 12:28 AM CDT

Dear Adrienne,

I knew it would happen. May of 2008 is here and the Rejoice! Christian Academy School of Excellence is without its senior class. It hurts. It really hurts. I try to be happy for your friends. It is funny, your two best friends are on their way to Baylor, where your sister wants to go. I know when you were here, you considered yourself a Longhorn, but I bet if you visited Baylor, you would have wanted to go there too.

Your little cousin has been with us for a few months and has joined our school. He has the same issues you did in turning out a paper. I wonder how you would have improved. I can't tell you how many unfinished papers of yours I have around here. I'm sure you would have been better by now.

We have learned to endure life without you, but we are never content with it. Your presence helped to define who we are as a family, and I suppose your absence helps to define us as well. We are not whole without you.

I miss you.

Love,

Mama

Monday, March 24, 2008 1:44 AM CDT

My dearest daughter,

Happy Resurrection Day! I know that the celebration in Heaven is far more spectacular than anything we could possibly come up with down here.

I need to go to bed, but I'm sitting here stretching and listening to "Shackles" by Mary Mary and thinking of you. I needed to go to the cemetery today. Really needed to, but time got away from us. I will have to come alone one day this week. Maybe on my birthday.

All your friends are graduating this year. Why not you? They are driving. Why not you? They are working. Why not you? I know that what you have there is far greater than here, but death has not severed our mother-daughter bond. You will always be a part of me. I cannot tell people about my children and pretend you did not exist. Even my Brownies know who you are.

I spoke to at least 5 bereaved parents today. One of them mentioned that no one understands the pain we live with other than another bereaved parent.

I really wish you had not died. I know it makes no difference for me to say that, I realize I am overstating the obvious, but I miss you. I will never stop missing you. Ever.

Mommy loves you!

Sunday, January 20, 2008 7:47 PM CST

The Holidays Are Behind Us

It is the New Year. The holidays are behind us. We did with them what
we could. Whether they were a time of sorrow, a time of joy, or a
combination of both, they are now a part of our memories. In a strange way,
as a memory in our hearts and in our minds, our child’s place is there
amongst all the other memories of the season. There is hurt along with
the memory, but also thankfulness for the memory.

Now we look out on a winter landscape. The earth is cold, the land
sharply defined. Yet underneath the hard crust, the energy and warmth of
our earth is guarding and providing life to all that grows. We may
personally know the coldness and hardness or a grief so fresh that we feel
numb
– a grief so hurtful that our body feels physically hard, our throats
tight from tears shed or unshed, our chests banded tightly by our
mourning heart.

If we are not now experiencing this, our memories recollect so easily
those early days. Yet as we live these days, like the earth from which
we receive our sustenance, we too, in our searching, find places of
warmth and change and love and growth deep within. Let our hearts and minds
dwell in these places and be armed and renewed by them and let us have
the courage and love to share them with our loved ones, to talk about
even that first dim shape of new hope or of new acceptance or of new
understanding or of new love. These are the new roots, born of our love
of our child that are forming and stirring within, gathering strength so
that our lives, at the right time, can blossom once again and be
fruitful in a new and deep way.

~Marie Andrews
~reprinted from Arlington, VA TCF 2008 Newsletter

Sunday, January 13, 2008 10:34 PM CST

Dear Adrienne and Mama Dear,

To say that we miss you just doesn't seem adequate. I don't think that words can even express the pain anymore. I've said everything. Nothing fills the void except busyness. I work 18-hour days. From the moment I get up to the moment I lay my head on the pillow at night, I am running. Running from the pain, loss, memories, separation anxiety. Occasionally, grief sneaks up on me, when I am supposed to be working, when I am waking up but not ready to get out of bed, the last few minutes of wakefulness. Every happy event is tinged with sadness because you are not here to share in it.

Mama Dear, there are moments when I long to pick up the phone to call you. There is so much I want to talk to you about. How many questions I would have asked you if I had only known that I wasn't going to get the chance.

The article below is from The Compassionate Friends.

Love,

Mama (Nichelle)

LOVE NEVER GOES AWAY
By Darcie D. Sims

“Why does it hurt so much? Why is this grief so incapacitating? If
only the hurt weren’t so
crushing.” Sounds familiar? All of us have known hurts before, but
none of our previous “ouchies”
can compare with the hurt we feel. Nothing can touch the pain of
burying a child.

Yet most of us have discovered that the sun still comes up. We still
have to function. We did not
die when our child did, even though we wished we could have, so…we
are stuck with this pain,
this grief, and what do we do with it? Surely we can’t live like THIS
forever!

There are no magic formulas for surviving grief. There are a few
recognized patterns for grief, but
even those are only guidelines. What we do know is that the emptiness
will never go away. It will
become tolerable and livable…some day.

TIME…the longest word in our grief. We used to measure TIME by the
steps of our child…the
first word, first tooth, first date, first car…now we don’t have
that measure any more. All we have
is TIME, and it only seems to make the hurt worse.

So what do we do? Give ourselves TIME…to hurt, to grieve, to cry.
TIME to choke, to scream.
TIME to be “crazy” and TIME to remember. Be nice to yourself!
Don’t measure your progress
through grief against anyone else’s. Be your own timekeeper.

Don’t push. Eventually you will find the hours and days of grief have
turned to minutes and then
moments…but don’t expect them to go away. We will always hurt. You
don’t get over grief…it
only becomes tolerable and livable. Change your focus a bit. Instead of
dwelling on how much
you lost, try thinking of how much you had. Try letting good memories
come over you as easily
as the awful ones do. We didn’t lose our child…HE [SHE] DIED. We
don’t lose the love that
flowed between us…it still flows, but differently now.

Does it help to know that if we didn’t love so very much, it would
not hurt so badly? Grief is the
price we pay for love. And as much as it hurts, I’m very glad I
loved. Don’t let death cast ugly
shadows, but rather warm memories of the loving times you shared. Even
though death comes,
LOVE NEVER GOES AWAY!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 8:59 AM CDT

Dear Adrienne,

I dreamed about you last night. I woke up so excited because I have not dreamed about you probably in years. Last night I was washing my face before bed and I smiled in the mirror. I saw your smile in me.

I went to sleep and dreamed of you all night long. You were dancing and dancing in my dreams all night long. For once I woke up happy instead of hurting. Now I realize why I sleep too little. Many times if too much time passes between my getting in the bed and falling asleep, or if I don't get up right away on wakening and just lie in bed, I begin to think of you and my heart hurts.

I heard a song on the radio yesterday that I had never heard before, but it talked about a Christian dying and letting his loved ones know where to find him. I'm so glad I know where to find you!

Mommy misses you so much. If you were here, you'd be working and driving and preparing to graduate and go to college. You'd have your own cell phone and your My Space page, and do all the things that your sister does. I also believe that you would baby Charis. She's SO much like you. I think you would be mad at us for picking on her so much! I think in losing you she lost her family advocate.

The Bible says that a day with the Lord is as a thousand years and a thousand years is as a day. Hopefully, by the time I see you again, the years of our separation will only feel like a day and we will sing and dance around His throne forever.

Tell Mama Dear Happy Birthday for me and tell her I miss her so much too.

Love,

Mama

Friday, June 15, 2007 9:33 AM CDT

~daily message from Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman

It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage, but for
the long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security. ~Anne
Morrow Lindbergh

In the first flush of grief we are present to the needs of the occasion
almost in spite of ourselves. The forms and customs of what to do
next, how to behave, are pretty well prescribed, and we need muster only
enough energy and will to follow along, do what is expected.

But then the rituals are over and life settles into a freer form. The
decisions to be made are not about details of the service or where the
visiting family members will sleep, but how to get on with our lives,
what to do with the silences. Then we will need courage and fortitude.

And we will need these qualities for a long time as we struggle to
regain our footing on a path that has drastically shifted. We will need
courage for the daily walk, and confidence in the goals we have set - or
reset - for ourselves now that one of our companions is no longer with
us.

Give me courage for the long haul, and courage for each day's journey.

Sunday, June 3, 2007 10:20 PM CDT

Dear Adrienne,

Today we went to the cometary to change the flowers on your grave. I put up the wild colors that remind me of you, the purple mixed with the red, orange, and yellow.

Earlier today in church a little girl got up and ministered in dance. Her boldness reminded me of you at 7 getting up to dance at Zion. All the people looking at you didn't phase you one bit. It was what you were born to do. I talked with the little girl afterward. Her attention span was so short she could barely keep her mind on what I was saying. That reminded me of you too!

I hate that you are not here, Adrienne. There is SO much that I miss sharing with you, getting your insight on. I want so bad to reach out and hold your hand, to feel your kiss on my cheek, to hear you say, "I love you, Mama."

I wish I knew how long I had to live with this hole in my heart. Another 40, 50, 60 years? I don't know. I take each day as it comes. Sometimes the pain is worse than others, but it is still there. Not everyone can see the hole in my heart, even if I share my loss with them. To me it is obvious. I cannot even define myself without including the hole. "Hi, I'm Nichelle. I am the wife of Alvin and the mother of four children, one of whom is already in Heaven." How I would much rather say that I am the mother of four children and here they all are.

Mommy misses you, Punkin. I eagerly await the day when I see your beautiful smile again.

Love,

Mama

Monday, May 28, 2007 5:07 PM CDT

~daily message from Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman

Did someone say that there would be an end, An end, Oh, an end, to love
and mourning?

No, not to either. And that's the comfort, I suppose--that though we
don't ever "get over" a major loss, we don't "get over" the love we
shared with that person, either --a love that, in ways we will come to
know, stays with us and continues to enrich our life over the years.

But, a caution. We need not confuse the mourning with the image of the
person we loved. If we allow them to overlap too much, then we cannot
let go of the mourning because we would lose the loved one, too. But
they are different, and we will do better with our lives if, as soon as
we are able, we make a conscious separation of the loved person from
the grief over his or her loss. Each has its place, but they don't
always need to blend together.

Though I know my memory of my loved one will always carry a tinge of
sadness, I will be able to put that in the background---if I want to.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18
"But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus. For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words."

My wife Luann has a folder she calls her “heaven file.” It contains articles, obituaries, and photos, along with cards from the memorial services of family and friends. She keeps them, not as a sad reminder of people we have loved and lost, but in anticipation of our glad reunion with them in heaven.

Paul wrote of this wonderful expectation to the Christians in Thessalonica, so they would not grieve like people who have no hope. “For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout . . . . And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words” (1 Thess. 4:16-18).

This passage speaks of our future joy together in the presence of Jesus Christ our Savior. For now, we on earth have fellowship with the Lord, and we experience what hymnwriter Samuel J. Stone called “mystic sweet communion with those whose rest is won.”

Much about the future remains a mystery, but we can confidently look forward to being in the presence of Christ with all the saints who have gone ahead. —David C. McCasland

When we asunder part
It gives us inward pain;
But we shall still be joined in heart,
And hope to meet again. —Fawcett

God’s children never say goodbye for the last time.

Sunday, May 13, 2007 10:58 PM CDT

My dearest daughter Adrienne,

Another Mother's Day has come and gone. It is a bittersweet holiday to say the least. I am so thankful for the joy of being a mother, but the pain of not having all of my children with me is ever present.

There are those who feel as if I mention your name too much. I see it in their eyes. I don't care, never will. You were the first person to ever call me "Mama." You were a sweet and kind daughter to me. I will never stop missing you.

We see so much of you in your baby sister. Her hands, her facial expressions, even her questions. It is both comforting and painful.

I miss you baby girl. I will always love you.

Mama

Thursday, March 1, 2007 2:43 AM CST

I love the devotionals in Our Daily Bread from David Branon. He is a bereaved parent as well and has walked where we walk.

Keep Praying

READ: Luke 11:5-13

Everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. —Luke 11:10

We prayed. Quietly sometimes. Aloud other times. For more than 17 years we prayed. We prayed for our daughter Melissa’s health and direction, for her salvation, and often for her protection. Just as we prayed for our other children, we asked God to have His hand of care on her.

As Melissa rolled into her teenage years, we prayed even more that He would keep her from harm—that He would keep His eyes on her as she and her friends began to drive. We prayed, "God, please protect Melissa."

So what happened? Didn’t God understand how much it would hurt so many people to lose such a beautiful young woman with so much potential for service to Him and others? Didn’t God see the other car coming on that warm spring night?

We prayed. But Melissa was killed.

Now what? Do we stop praying? Do we give up on God? Do we try to make it alone?

Absolutely not! Prayer is even more vital to us now. God—our inexplicable sovereign Lord—is still in control. His commands to pray still stand. His desire to hear from us is still alive. Faith is not demanding what we want; it is trusting God’s goodness in spite of life’s tragedies.

We grieve. We pray. We keep on praying. —Dave Branon

I question not God’s means or ways,
Or how He uses time or days,
To answer every call or prayer—
I know He will, somehow, somewhere. —Whitney

God may deny our request but will never disappoint our trust.

Monday, December 25, 2006 2:18 AM CST

My dearest daughter Adrienne,

Happy 17th Birthday. I can only imagine what you would be like as a nearly grown young woman. I wish I knew. We bought flowers for your grave the other day. I would rather buy anything else than flowers for your grave. I wish you were here. I see your name in writing in other places and I think Adrienne is such a beautiful name. I wish you had gotten to have a long life time of use out of it.

I'm just so completely out of words. How can I describe how I long for you in words I haven't already used up. Even my tears don't tell the complete story. I just really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, times infinity miss you.

Love,

Mama

Tuesday, September 12, 2006 9:44 AM CDT

This devotional was in Our Daily Bread this morning. It blessed me and I wanted to share it.

II Corinthians 5:1-10
"Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."

"I am hard-pressed between the two, having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better." Philippians 1:23

Every 26 years or so, we move to a different house.

Actually, Sue and I moved into our first home when our first child was a baby. We had no idea we would live there for 26 years. When we finally did change our residence, it was an emotional time.

On the day we moved, after everything was out of the house, we did one final walk-through to relive the memories. The toughest moment came when we entered Melissa’s bedroom. We had said goodbye to her 2 years earlier after a car accident took her earthly life. Now we were bidding adieu to the sunflower-decorated room she loved so much.

As I think of that emotional time when we moved, I am reminded of what a great change of address Melissa enjoyed on the day she was ushered into God’s presence. Our move to a different house pales in comparison to the glories our daughter now enjoys in heaven. What a grand comfort to know that our departed loved ones who have trusted in Jesus are now living in God’s majestic kingdom! (2 Cor. 5:1).

Are you ready for that ultimate change of address? No matter where you live on this earth, make sure your final home will be heaven. —Dave Branon

Someday my Redeemer shall call me to come
And leave all these earth-scenes below;
And take me to be with my loved ones at home—
I want to be ready to go! —Huston

Our heavenly home is our real estate.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Sunday, August 6, 2006 4:18 PM CDT

~daily message from Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman

My wife of 57 years was buried today beside our son, who died in 1941
as a result of a truck accident when he was hitchiking to take a job.
She has longed for him all these years and now she is with him. I know
they are embraced in happiness. ~Terry Kay

Do you think of it - who might be there, welcoming your loved one?
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, the Swiss-born psychiatrist who has done so much
work on death and dying, says she believes none of us dies alone - that
our loved ones come to greet us, to welcome us to the other side.

I remember, when my daughter died, thinking how she and my father, who
had died a little more than a year earlier, might be rejoicing in each
other. My heart was torn, and for a while I almost wanted to be with
them. It was a long time ago, and now I am in no particular hurry. But
someday....I think, when I am feeling confident in my faith and
recalling the loved ones I have lost ..... someday I shall be part of that
joyous reunion, too.

It is a hope I cherish - to rejoin my loved ones.

My dear daughter Adrienne,

Back to school time is here and you are on my mind a lot (not that I ever stop thinking of you). You would be a junior in high school now. Life is just moving on without you here. I saw your best friend Nekia's myspace page that had a picture of her and her boyfriend. The last time I heard from her, she and Nicole were learning to drive. She says on her myspace page that her hero is you! Your adopted big sister Alysha just bought her first car. Your younger sister Brandice just got her first job. I saw Shaney a few months ago. She was raising funds for a mission trip. I never hear from Myilette. I don't know where she is right now, but I do know that she has a niece who's middle name is Adrienne.

It is so hard for me to imagine what you would be doing if you were here. I know you would have a myspace, be working, talking to boys, and trying to drive too. I guess I spend more time now thinking of our reunion than imagining what the present would be with you here. There is a lot about my present life that would be different if you were here. Mourning your absence has become a part of who I am. I am a grieving mom. Like the Scripture says of Jacob when he thought Joseph was dead, "All his sons and daughters came to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted. "No," he said, "in mourning will I go down to the grave to my son." So his father wept for him."

I will weep for you until I see your face, hold your hand, hear your voice. You will always be my baby.

Love,

Mama

Saturday, July 1, 2006 4:26 PM CDT

Adrienne,

The other day it dawned on me how much I miss your singing. Your siblings and I were in the car. Tre' was crooning something awful. No, really, it was that bad. I thought to myself that your daddy was really soft on them musically, not at all like he was with you and Brandice. Brandice definitely sings on key, but barely sings above a whisper. Tre' sounds like a dying animal and Charis isn't much further off.

I remember the year that you were teaching yourself to sing harmony. It was painful! But the following year and every year after that you had near perfect pitch.

I saw Elder Riley the other day. He said he had some video tapes that you might be on. Oh, I hope so! I miss you so much.

Ms. Denise and I are praying for another family that lost a teenager to a brain tumor. It never ends, does it?

XOXOXO

Mommy loves and misses you so much!

Love,
Mama

Thursday, May 18, 2006 9:12 PM CDT

I Lost My Child Today

I lost my child today.
People came to weep and cry,
as I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find words to say
to try and make the pain go away.
I walked the floor in disbelief,
I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went away,
some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from this dream.
This can't be real, I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside.
God help me, I want to die.
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year.
Now people who had come, have gone.
I sit and struggle all day long
to bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just question, Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good heavens, it has been so long.
I lost my child last year.

Time has not moved on for me.
The numbness it has disappeared.
My eyes have now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face
"You must move on and leave this place."
Yet I am trapped right here in time,
The songs the same, as is the rhyme.
I lost my child....... TODAY.......

~written by Netta Wilson
In Memory of her Daughter
Caprice Cara Wilson
December 2, 1968 - November 20, 1994

~reprinted from May/June 2001 TCF Atlanta Newsletter

Searching for her Smile
by Rob Anderson, Sugar Grove, Illinois

Twice a week she walked to her corner grocery store for warm donuts and
coffee. She loved their donuts ; none better in
the entire city. She started walking on the advice of a friend who
thought it might make her feel better . Her loneliness
was beginning to consume her. Her life was dark and empty .

Heading back home, she noticed an old man sitting by himself on a park
bench . She slowed and studied him, not remembering
ever seeing him in her neighborhood . His expression was inviting; his
skin aged and wrinkled . Spirited eyes and a
lively smile graced his face . Whatever he was thinking was bringing
him great pleasure .

Sitting next to him on the bench, the lady asked, "Old man, may I buy
your smile? Whatever you're feeling is what I
want to be feeling, too ."

Turning to the lady, the old man said, "Why do you want my smile ;
where has yours gone?"

"My heart is broken. I doubt I will ever smile again," she answered
with a sigh as she leaned back, closing her eyes .

"This smile you see on me can't be sold, so it can't be bought either.
A smile must be earned," he said. "A broken heart is very sad. Your
smile must be far away."

Opening her heavy eyes and looking into his she said, "Yes old man, my
smile is far away. I lost it when my son died . He
was just a little boy when a car went off the road and hit him when he
was playing in our front yard . He died instantly.
The last thing I remember of him is the horror on his face as the car
crushed him ." A tear rolled down her cheek .

"I'm very sorry to hear that," the old man said, placing his hand on
hers . "Life must be very difficult for you . How long
has it been since your son passed away?"

Her voice shaking she said, "My beautiful boy was taken from me five
years ago . Sometimes it seems like just yesterday
I saw him take his last breath . At other times it feels likes it's
been years . I can still feel his hugs when he headed off to
school . Ills voice continues to play in my mind . I miss him so, so
much . His death has at times overwhelmed me ." The
lady leaned forward, placing her head in her hands . More tears came.

"I can see your pain is deep, but weren't you once happy
enough to smile" the old man asked?

"Oh yes," the lady said as she sat up . "When my son was
alive my smiles were broad and many. He was a wonderful
son, handsome and bright. I miss smiling . I want to smile
again, but don't know how."

"Why did you say your son `was' wonderful?" he questioned .
"Because he's no longer here does that mean he's no longer
wonderful?"

"I've never thought of it like that, old man . But I guess you're
right . Even though his body isn't here, he `is' still a wonderful
son ."

"With that in mind," the old man said, "do you think of your
son as forever dead, or forever living?"

"I don't know," she said, "that's a question I've never been
able to answer."

"Yes, that's one to ponder," he said . "Let me see if I can help
you find that answer. I want you to close your eyes, think of
your son and tell me what you see ."

The lady leaned back on the bench, closed her eyes and folded
her hands in her lap . The old man saw her shoulders relax a
bit and hoped a good thing would happen . A minute passed
and a small smile came alive on her face . "I see him running
down the beach, his blonde hair flying in the wind as he
chases our dog. He's running very hard . I can hear his laughter
and see the sand flying ."

"How does that make you feel?"

"It makes me feel both sad and happy," the lady answered .
"I want him back so we can make more memories . I want to
touch him, hold him and I'm sad I can't do those things . But,
memories like that make me happy ."

"My friend," the old man said . "I think you know your son
will never be with you in the way you once had him before he
died . His body can't come back and nothing can change that . I
know that's a hard thing to acknowledge, so you must decide
how you want to carry your son with you now. Which way
will your memories take you, to a tear or a smile? Your son's
death has certainly earned you a tear, but your son's life has
given you a smile."

The lady sat quietly and stared deeply into the old man's
eyes, trying to understand what he was saying; trying to
decide which would rule her life, the tear because of her son's
death, or the smile because of his life. The tear was easier
because it had become normal and familiar to her. To smile
again would take work .

"Old man," she finally said, "which should I choose? You've
lived long and learned many lessons . Counsel me."

"Dear, sad lady, your son's physical death cannot be changed .
Time moves forward, not back . I can see your love for him,
and feel your broken heart . Your love `is' strong, not `was'
strong," the old man offered . "When you closed your eyes,
you saw your son's life, not his death . Do you prefer his life
or his death to be more powerful in you?"

It was then that the lady realized what the old man had
done . He'd shown her that even though a part of her would
always be sad because of her son's death, she could also smile
because of his life. In that instant, she made the decision to
begin to live again and work at finding her smile-the smile
that can return because of the life of her child, a life that will
forever live through her memories .

Hugging the old man she said, "Thank you my new friend,
I will now work at letting go of my son's physical death and
seeing his life more clearly. I want the wonderfulness of him
back in my life and back in my heart." She stood and began to
leave, but turned, put her hand on the old man's shoulder and
asked, "Old man," "how is it you came upon such wisdom?
How did you know it's possible for me to get my smile back?"
Reaching into his coat pocket, the old man pulled out an
envelope . As he did so, the lady thought she saw a tear in his
eye, but also a gentle smile on his face. He stood and carefully
withdrew a photo from the envelope . Cupping it tenderly in
his hand, he showed it to the lady, "You see, my dear lady, my
beautiful angel daughter brought my smile back to me, so I
know it's possible for you, also ."

The lady never saw the old man again, but in those few short
minutes he had taught her that the beauty and power of her
son's life will never leave her, if she won't let it leave.

~reprinted with permission from Grief Digest, Centering Corporation,
Omaha, NE 402-553-1200
www.griefdigest.com

Sunday, May 14, 2006 3:33 PM CDT

A Grieving Father Looks At Mother's Day

Will the circle be unbroken by and by, Lord, by and by? Maybelle Carter

On Sunday, May 13, 2001, religious and secular institutions across our western hemisphere will celebrate Mother's Day. Corporate America will eagerly open its arms, that is its doors, to embrace Mom with sales. Florists will be working over time to insure that floral bouquets arrive on time. Restaurants will be offering special Mother's Day meals so
families can honor mom by eating out. In synagogues, temples, and places of worship, mothers will be honored in a variety of ways. There will be silent, invisible mothers on that day. They will go unrecognized for the most part. They will be generally unnoticed. They will even be ignored. They are the grieving mothers.

For them, the day is not a celebration, but endurance. Mother's Day changes completely for them after the death of a child. The pain is a pain only another grieving mother can relate too. All of the imagery that is conjured up doesn't necessarily help either The pages of the hymnbook flutter with the images of a mother and her children Read the titles of the songs as you flip the pages: "My Mother's Old Bible Is True," "Will The Circle Be Unbroken?," " Mother's Prayers Have Followed Me," and, "Are All The Children In?" Religious guidebooks and holy texts are filled with thousands of references and pictures of mothers nurturing their children.

This motherly lode is central to all the religions of the world. The implied message is that a mother's love for her children is a bond quite unlike any other. So the death of a child, to them, must feel quite unlike any other loss. These wonderful words and images which are meant to comfort, end up tormenting them.

I write this column as a grieving father. I share my insights from my personal experiences and my readings on child-loss. But a lot of my education has come from the truest source off all, my foreverbest friend, Debby. She has taught me that a mother's pain is so inexplicable, except
to other grieving mothers, because when their child dies, a unique bond is broken. I cannot understand this bond, because like all Dads I am an outside observer so many times in the birthing process. But I do know that this bond exists. My many hours of watching The Discovery Channel
and Animal Planet with my son, Carl, taught me one lesson, nature's lesson. Never mess with mothers. There's a reason why mother bears have notorious reputations. They fiercely protect their young.

There is a deep, mysterious, and unique relationship that a mother has with her child. Pregnancy is the start of a bond, which men cannot fully understand. The intricacies of feeding, nurturing, male experience. It just boggles my mind that my wife did all those jobs 24 hours a day,
and still worked a regular job too. Fathers are sort of detached observers in the birth process. Mothers are participants in the clearest meaning of the word Their bodies work all day and night. They feel the movements of the new life within them. endure the hardships and sicknesses. Go through intense ups and downs. Live with the sheer terror of the unknown. Mix all these ingredients together and the result becomes a spiritual umbilical cord of great durability between a mother and the new life within her.

Nothing can sever that cord. It survives all the troubles and turmoil in life that children can bring Nothing can break through that cord. Nothing, that is, except a child's untimely death. Now, I am trying to understand all of this in my finite, male mind, and frankly, I can't. I can't begin to understand a mother's keen sense of suffering when a child dies. I am left only to my inadequate imagination of her emptiness within. I caught glimpses of this suffering watching Debby sob and repeatedly cry out, "I can't protect him anymore! I can't comfort him anymore. I can't treat his hurts anymore!"

Truly, a big part of a mother dies when her, child dies. I share these thoughts with grieving family members and friends so there can be some sort of understanding. Mother's Day will never be the same If it is a first time after the passing of young one, anxiety and grief will be severe, frequent, and intense. Expect those feelings, but they will also pass. Here are some suggestions, which come from grief counselors and experienced grieving parents.

Keep the level of anxiety and anticipation low!

Let the grieving mother set the tone for the day.

Let it be her day to observe in her fashion.

Have a plan for the day It can be the simplest of plans, and it should be. Elaborate plans can cause more grief, not less.

Communicate the family plans with all family members and friends. Be assertive. Stick to those plans. If a quiet day is needed, do it. If many friends and family are the answer, do it.

Words can hurt or heal. So choose the words of encouragement wisely. Resolve to be a good listener that day.

Remember that the best gift to give to a grieving mother can't be bought. It is priceless. It can't be wrapped. It is too immense. That gift is you. Now, I close with something for all you precious, compassionate mothers. Please be good to yourselves, you have surely earned it.

-Aaron Pueschel

~reprinted from TCF Mercer Chapter Newsletter

Wednesday, May 10, 2006 6:23 PM CDT

Dear Adrienne,

Mother's Day is here again...again. I used to have plenty to say, my heart overflowing with words, now I guess it's more of a quiet surrender. You're gone. I can't have you back. I have to continue on without you here. Recently I was talking to a friend about how obsessed in my mind and anxious in my heart about Brandice, Tre', and Charis' future. So much so I can't turn my brain off to sleep or work. I finally recognized it as fear. Fear they won't succeed. Fear they won't survive. Fear they won't get into the college they desire. Fear they won't finish. Fear over their prospective spouses. Fear over their fertility. Fear over their marriages.

If I could just read the book and know the end I'd be alright, right? I finally realized that it is because your book wasn't finished, at least not in my eyes. I never saw "The End" coming. Earlier today I saw a story about a mother who recorded a song so that when she dies (she has terminal cancer) they will remember her voice. If I had only known. If someone, ONE PERSON, had said to me, she's dying, and given me time to process it, we could have said goodbye, Baby. I would have held you longer, touched you, talked to you, prayed with you.

I know what the Word says. I know "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." I know that I should not meditate on those worries, "Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things."

Yeah, I know. But it does not change the longing in my heart to have you here with me, to be near you, and to hear your goofy, cackling laugh, to see you grin sheepishly when you know you've messed up, to watch you pick up a glass without using your thumb, to watch you eat and fold up a little side of the paper plate to scrape you food onto your fork, to watch you throw your leg up in the air from some dance move Ruth Ann taught you, to watch you daydream when you're supposed to be doing your schoolwork, to see your hair standing up on your head when you get up in the morning, to hear you call Charis "Boosey", Tre' "Dude", to tearfully ask me to pray for you so you don't hurt Brandice, to hear you and Brandice running your mouth in your room when you were supposed to be sleep an hour before, to watch you from the kitchen window try to teach Jazz to sit, to watch you play the tambourine and lift your hands in worship, to watch you lose yourself in dance, to see you squinch up the sides of your eyes when you're trying to see something far away, to see show skillfully you quiet a crying child that you babysat for, and so many things. I could go on and on. I don't want to forget, even the little things.

Love,

Mama

For anyone who still visits this page, you can read my new blog: http://360.yahoo.com/rejoicehomeschool. Don't forget to tune into Alvin's radio station: http://www.TDGR.org.

Monday, March 13, 2006 2:15 AM CST

Dear Adrienne,

Your brother, sisters, and I were talking the other day and wishing there was email in Heaven. The other day Charis did something so "Adrienne-ish" that I longed for you to be here so I could tease you about it. We told her to put lotion on her face. She put so much on that it dried white under her chin and around her ears. I thought of the "Vaseline incident". You were supposed to be in your room watching your favorite Sesame Street video. When we came in your room and saw the back of your head while you were looking at the TV you seemed innocent enough. But when you turned around and all that Vaseline was all over your face, hanging from your hair over your eye, we just lost it.

Mike was here this weekend. He just kept stairing at Charis because she looks so much like you. What is so strange is that she behaves so much like you after only having lived with you for 3 years.

I stayed up after everyone else tonight so that watch your memorial video that Elder Riley put together. I needed to see you. I needed to remember that I did not dream you up. You were really here. It is at least some comfort to see you, though I long more than anything to touch your face and hear your voice. You will always be my baby, and no matter how long we are separated, I will always miss you.

Please tell Mama Douglas Happy Birthday for me. I know that Uncle Dane is very proud of his daughter Dana, as are we all.

Love,

Mama

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 11:42 PM CST

My Dear Daughter Adrienne,

Happy Valentine's Day, babygirl. I wish we were celebrating it together. I am looking forward to all the love we will share with one another when we are reunited.

I wish you were here to see how your brother and sisters have grown. You would be so proud of all of them, but I know that we would be equally proud of you, as we are now.

Some things are just indescribably hard to do without you. Daddy took your sisters to the Girl Scout Father/Daughter Dance, but you were missing. They had a good time, but nothing is ever the same without you. It is like smelling good food, but losing your sense of taste.

Last week I watched a portion of Coretta Scott King's funeral and Congressman Rangel's comments made me leap in my spirit. He gave heavenly glimpse of Martin Luther King catching up on old times with Rosa Parks, when he suddenly realizes that it is time to move to the Pearly Gates for his reunion with Coretta that has been anticipated for 40 years.

That's how I feel about my reunion with you. No matter how long it takes. We will be together up there for a lot longer time than we will be separated down here! I can hardly wait!

Love,

Mama

Sunday, January 15, 2006 11:22 AM CST

Dear Adrienne and Mama Dear,

It had been three years since you both left us. We miss you both every day.

Adrienne, there are so many things that I wish you could be here to experience. If you were here you would have a My Space website like your sister and all her friends. Your friends have them too like Summer, Nekia, and Nicole. I saw Shaney a couple of weeks ago. She is so tall, but I'm sure you would be too. She's trying to earn money for a missions trip. I don't know if I could let you go on a missions trip. Your heart is so soft you couldn't even take the Austin School of the Blind. I had to lead you out by the hand because you were crying so hard. Even the news was hard for you. There are days when I look back and cry so much, but most of my days I spend looking forward. I go to bed at night wondering what our reunion will be like. Can I hold you for days and days? Can I kiss your face and feel the warmth of your skin? Will you smell the same? (I know, only a mother would ask that question, but science has proven that blindfolded mothers can pick their children out by smell alone). Will your laugh sound the same? Will the essence of who you are be the same? Do you miss me as much as I miss you? Will you want to hug me for as long as I want to hug you?

Mama Dear, I can't seem to get past the fact that I did not get to say good-bye to you. When you were sick in 1999 Tre' and I flew from Okinawa to Wichita because I thought you were going to leave this earth without me getting to say good-bye to you then. I remember praying so hard as I was transfering planes in L.A. that the Lord would keep you alive until I got there. I had always imagined that I would be there when you left. You and I have always been so close. I remember in the Fall of 2002 when you asked me a question about Charis. When I answered, you said, "Well, I guess I won't get to know that one." It broke my heart because I wanted all my children to know and love you as I do. In the past year Ms. Watson and Wanda Bobbit have passed away and it is so strange because although I have not even seen them in years, I connect them with you. Their passings make me miss you even more. If you were here we would have talked about it like we did when Sis. Harding and Sis. Dibbles died. You are so much a part of who I am. When I am very distressed when I pray, I have to sing, "I need Thee, Oh I need Thee, every hour I need Thee. Oh bless me now my Savior, I come to Thee." When I am happy I sing, "Jesus, I'll never forget what you've done for me." I am always excited to participate in Women's Ministry. I'm pretty sure I get that from you (smile).

I guess from all of this I have learned not to be so emotionally invested in this present life because the length of time that we are here is so short compared to how long we will be "over there."

Jesus said, “Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?"

'Til we meet, 'til we meet, 'til we meet at Jesus' feet. 'Til we meet, 'till we meet again. God be with you 'til we meet again.

Love,

Nichelle (Adrienne's Mama and Mama Dear's oldest grandbaby)

Thursday, November 24, 2005 4:35 PM CST

For all the other grieving parents who visit this site (I think you're about the only ones anymore), this is for you. It blessed me. I hope it blesses you too. It is from Our Daily Bread.

DIFFICULT DAYS
Psalm 23:1-6

1 The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
Forever.

We buried my wife's father 2 days before Thanksgiving, and every year the holiday is tinged with the sorrow of losing him. No doubt your calendar contains some of these difficult days that roll around once a year, bringing fresh reminders of losses that still hurt and people you still miss. A Wall Street Journal article calls these dates "emotional land mines" and says they may be even more difficult to face when they coincide with national holidays or anniversaries of significant events.

Grief counselors point out that taking a positive step can help us deal with grief. One year we planted a tree to mark the anniversary of a parent's death and the birth of a grandson on the same day. A scholarship fund or a memorial gift can benefit others while honoring the memory of a loved one. But a deep healing of spirit is a gift from God.

You may know Psalm 23 by heart, but try reading it with new eyes today. This familiar passage of comfort proclaims: "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life" (v.6). Not just some of the days—all the days.

When we traverse the emotional minefield of painful memories, the Good Shepherd is with us on every difficult day. —David McCasland

Savior, please stay close beside,
Be my comfort, Lord, and guide,
When I'm troubled, tempted, tried,
May Your love and grace abide. —Brandt

The sweetest experience of God's love can be found in times of sorrow.

May the Lord comfort each of you during this diffucult holiday season.

Blessings,

The Nelsons: Alvin, Nichelle, Adrienne (forever in our hearts), Brandice, Tre', and Charis

Sunday, November 6, 2005 1:44 AM CST

Dear Adrienne,

It starts. The depression, the sadness, the longing for you. This season and all the anniversaries of it. Our last Thanksgiving, Aleah's birthday, Charis' birthday, your last dances (here on earth), the onset of your illness, your birthday and Christmas, your Christian Bat Mitzvah, all the trips to the pediatrician, the emergency room visit, your hospitalization, your diagnosis, your hand motions with Ruth Ann doing "I'm Trading my Sorrows, Mama Dear's hospitalization, our last night together, listening to Clint Brown at 4 in the morning, your last kiss, your last words, kissing your face, Mama Dear's going into ICU, my vision of your rising into the air, Dr. Aronin looking me in my face and telling me, "I'm sorry, she's gone", leaving the hospital without you, Brother Ed standing on our front porch when I arrived home crying in my hair, Liz running through the front door, Uncle Tyrone asking me if I thought they should stop resuscitating Mama Dear, Tiffany running into my room screaming that Mama Dear was gone, getting dressed to say goodbye to my baby, watching my mother walk into my house in shock after having lost her granddaughter and mother in 1 week. Everything gets kind of blurry after that.

I miss you. I miss the young woman you were growing into. I miss your calm. I miss your goofiness.

Why? I don't ask that often, and I never expect an answer, but why? Why do I watch the news and hear about how people have beat cancer, or are even living with cancer. Why couldn't one of those people be you? Why do you have to be gone? Why can't you be here to help Charis learn ballet? Why can't you be here to keep mean people from picking on Brandice? Why can't you be here to cheer Tre' on when he's playing soccer? Why, instead of sitting up at the computer at 2 a.m. can't I be researching scholarships for you or adding your activities to the family calendar? Why couldn't you just be here?

I don't mean to sound angry at you. I'm not. I know you had to go because you were called. But sometimes I am angry at your absence, during this season more than any other.

Love,

Mama

Saturday, August 6, 2005 3:14 PM CDT

Dear Adrienne,

There are days, like today, when I miss you so much I wonder how I am able to function. I was working a few minutes ago and I allowed my mind to wander to the waiting room of the MRI suite of Brackenridge Hospital. You didn't want to go through another MRI. I told you how proud I was of you and how brave you were, but I was just trying to keep you calm. I was going to make you go through it because I thought it would make you better. I would have done ANYTHING to make you better. As painful and difficult as I know chemotherapy and radiation would have been for you, I would have made you do it. Yes, I know it is selfish, but if I thought it would keep you here one more year, one more month, one more week, one more day, one more hour, one more minute, one more second longer, I would have said, "Do it!" My heart goes out to all those who must endure those horrendous treatments, but at this moment I would rather be going through that than missing you.

Remember when we went on the field trip with our homeschool group to the school for the blind and I had to hold your hand walking out to the parking lot because you were inconsolably weeping over a girl you had seen who was beautiful, but blind? It hurt your heart that she had to suffer that way when seemingly (to an 11-year-old mind) she had so much to offer. That's how I feel about you Adrienne. I don't discount the glory of God that has been revealed in your death. Your life is a testimony to more than you can possibly know (maybe you do know), but it is unimaginable the amount of good your kind heart would have accomplished given time to mature.

Tre' and Charis don't have too many memories of you as far as events, but they remember your kindness. Tre' remembers being on the bus and almost sliding off the seat when the bus turned a corner, and you reached out and caught him just in time. Charis tells everyone that you called her Boosey. No one calls her Boosey now.

Brandice cries in the aisles of the library when she reads something that makes her think of you.

I think Daddy and I are just trying to function as best we can, but the pain is always right there under the surface.

I have to get back to work. I just hope you know how much we all love you and miss you.

Love,

Mama

Saturday, March 19, 2005 9:21 PM CST

THINGS WE MISS ABOUT ADRIENNE

These are things that Adrienne would say or do that would have us rolling with laughter.

"Adrienne-isms" and their meanings.

BREFIXT = breakfast

MUZEEDIUM = museum

UTHEN = oven

FLEXI THE CAT = Felix the Cat

HE'S TALKING ON BACKWARDS = He's not making any sense.

"Mama, when we move to Texas are we going to get HAMHOCKS in our back yard?"

HAMHOCKS = hammocks

*Once, I was ironing and Adrienne came to me in tears. "Adrienne, what's wrong with you, why are you crying?" (she very rarely cried, usually if she cried it was for someone else).
Adrienne's tearful answer: "Mama, can you lay hands on me and pray for me, because I'm going to hurt Brandice!"

*As a toddler, I left her sitting in the toddler bath tub for less than a minute (no it is not a good idea and before you judge me a bad mother remember we were ALL young and stupid at one time or another!). When I returned, I noticed she had this strange look on her face but I ignored it and said, "Okay, baby girl, Mama is going to bathe you now." I reached under the water to grab her wash cloth and pulled out a log! That's what the look was for! She had gone #2 in the tub and I had to take her out of the tub and pour the bathwater down the toilet!

*Since she always called her father, "Daddy" she didn't know that "Dad" was something other children called their fathers. So when she heard the children of a friend of ours calling their father "Dad" she started calling him that too because she thought that was his name.

*When she was 4 and we were praying to have two more children and our desire was two boys, she asked me, "So are you going to have my brother first and then Brandice's brother?"

*Once when she was little she had been watching TV in her room, or so we thought. We peeped in to take a look at her and from that angle she looked perfectly fine. The minute she turned around to look at us, we saw that the other side of her face had been slathered in Vaseline. It was one of those confusing moments as a parent when you don't know whether to be angry or laugh. I think we chose to laugh.

*When she and Brandice were 3 and 2, we kissed them good night, turned off the light, turned on the stereo and closed the door. Whe then went to bed ourselves. At 3 a.m. the light in our room suddenly goes on and Adrienne announces very loudly that Brandice has to go potty. Apparently while we were sleeping, she and Brandice had decided to get out of bed and play. Every toy they owned was out of the box and scattered all over the floor. I don't think we chose to laugh that night.

*We had some very interesting and hilarious questions from her during our home "sex education" classes, but I don't care to repeat them right now. Let me just say that one of them was asked when I was pregnant with Charis and I laughed so hard I thought I was going into premature labor.

*One interesting sex education comment came in about 1997 when she was about 7 years old, after finding another dog in the yard with Cotton. I tried to separate them with the water hose to no avail. We were on our way somewhere so while in the car she said, "I guess their tales were stuck together." I decided that THAT was the day when she would know the truth about what was really happening between Cotton and the other dog. I dropped Brandice off somewhere (she wasn't ready yet) and on the way to where we were going, I explained the facts of life to her. Her first comment after thinking about it for a minute was, "Eeewww, that's gross!" Her next comment after a longer pause was, "That's why President Clinton is in trouble, huh?"

*She was addicted to TV. She still secretly watched Sesame Street even at 12 years old. One of her favorite shows was "Seventh Heaven" and "Lizzie McGuire" and at the time of her death she was looking forward to the premier of "That's So Raven." She would always squint so she could watch TV while doing dishes. Needless to say it took forever for her to clean the kitchen. Her last month on this earth she was on punishment from watching TV. She just HAD to watch the 25 days of Christmas on TV every year since it led up to her birthday. She watched it so intently that she neglected to feed Tre' and Charis while I was gone.

*When she was concentrating on something, or very tired, she would put her right ear on her right shoulder.

*When she held a glass, she sometimes wouldn't use her thumb, just her 4 fingers. It would drive her daddy crazy.

*When she laughed, she laughed all over so if she was working or holding something while laughing she would say that she was getting a "dumb" hand.

*Once, when I was pregnant with Charis, I asked Adrienne (age 10) to brown some smoked sausage in a pan. I thought she could handle it. My children always seem capable of doing most anything. My back was to the kitchen so I wasn't watching her. A few minutes later she said, "Mom, it's not getting brown." I turned around and looked. She had sliced the sausage and put them on a cookie sheet and put the cookie sheet on the counter. Of course they weren't getting brown, they didn't have a heat source!

*When she was 4, we were at Discovery Zone and she was sitting in a pit of balls. A "queen-sized" woman came over and was about to sit on the edge next to Adrienne. My mother knew what Adrienne was thinking but before I could get to her, she said to the woman, "Whoa! Your bottom is TOO big!!" The woman good-naturedly agreed with her, "Yes, it is."

*While I'm thinking about it, she very verbally made a comment about a couple of family members bodies too, but I think I'll just keep those to myself too!

*Her nickname for Charis was Boosey (for caboose, meaning she was the end of the line). Her nickname for Tre' was Dude, but sometimes she called Brandice a dude too. Sometimes she would say "Dumb dude."

I'm so thankful that our 13 years with Adrienne were so full of laughter! Oh, we had some trying times too, but our good days far outweighed our bad days.

Our friend Pastor David Johnson blesses me every time he sings this song.

I Won't Complain
Rev. Paul Jones - words and music by James Lennox

I've had some good days
And I've had some hills to climb
I've had some weary days
And some lonely nights

And when I look around
And think things over
All of my good days
Outweigh my bad days
I wont complain

Sometimes the clouds hang low
I can hardly see the road
I ask the question
Lord why so much pain?
But He knows what's best for me
Although my weary eyes
They can't see

So I'll say thank You Lord (2)
I won't complain
The Lord's been so good to me
He's been good to me
More than this ol' world could ever be
Hes been good
He dries every one of my tears away
Turned my midnight into day

So I'll just say: Thank You Lord
I've been lied on
I've been talked about
I've been misunderstood
I've been sick
But I'll just say: Thank You Lord
I won't complain

Blessings,

Nichelle

Sunday, March 13, 2005 10:35 PM CST

II Corinthians 1:3-6

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ. Now if we are afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effective for enduring the same sufferings which we also suffer. Or if we are comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation. And our hope for you is steadfast, because we know that as you are partakers of the sufferings, so also you will partake of the consolation."

This weekend, I have been surfing through the caringbridge websites of other children with brain tumors and other forms of cancer. There are so many who need our prayers. Three young ladies left for Heaven this week alone.

Emerald
http://www2.caringbridge.org/mi/emeraldisle/

Ray-Anne
http://www2.caringbridge.org/ca/rayanne/

Melody
http://www.caringbridge.org/ca/melody

If you look through the guestbooks of these caringbridge pages, you will find many links to other pages. We all make our rounds in order to comfort one another. I'm thankful for Yvonne, Yolanda, Monica, and Shannon who "stop by" every now and then. On my "good" days, I try to make my rounds too. I also corresponded with Stephanie who's daughter had a bilateral thalamic tumor (Adrienne's was a right thalamic tumor). We try to compare notes to find out why our children died such terrible premature deaths.

One thing is for certain, Adrienne is not alone in Heaven. She has plenty to keep her company: Leilani, Anna, Nicole, Gabrielle, Emerald, Ray-Anne, Cheyenne, Melody, Megan, Tiffany.... and those are just some of the girls. There is a very large list on sweet little Katia's page Sometimes it is just overwhelming, and at other times, I'm drawn to it.

A smile is slowly crossing my face about all these girls in Heaven. Adrienne loved to have sleep-overs with the greatest amount of girls possible. I can just see her acting out the slumber party scene in "The Princess Diaries II: The Royal Engagement" when they all take turns sliding down the stairs on matresses. I could just see my crazy girl doing that. Oh, she was serious when it was time to dance for the Lord, but my girl is kooky when it comes to having fun! Adrienne and Brandice gave me the Princess Diaries for Christmas a couple of years ago.

Sometimes, I can close my eyes and hear Adrienne's six-year-old voice singing "Heaven is a wonderful place filled with glory and grace, I wanna see my Savior's face 'cause Heaven is a wonderful place."

I can't wait to see you there, Punkin'!!!

Sunday, March 13, 2005 10:35 PM CST

II Corinthians 1:3-6

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ. Now if we are afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effective for enduring the same sufferings which we also suffer. Or if we are comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation. And our hope for you is steadfast, because we know that as you are partakers of the sufferings, so also you will partake of the consolation."

This weekend, I have been surfing through the caringbridge websites of other children with brain tumors and other forms of cancer. There are so many who need our prayers. Three young ladies left for Heaven this week alone.

Emerald

Ray-Anne

Melody

If you look through the guestbooks of these caringbridge pages, you will find many links to other pages. We all make our rounds in order to comfort one another. I'm thankful for Yvonne, Yolanda, Monica, and Shannon who "stop by" every now and then. On my "good" days, I try to make my rounds too. I also corresponded with Stephanie who's daughter had a bilateral thalamic tumor (Adrienne's was a right thalamic tumor). We try to compare notes to find out why our children died such terrible premature deaths.

One thing is for certain, Adrienne is not alone in Heaven. She has plenty to keep her company: Leilani, Anna, Nicole, Gabrielle, Emerald, Ray-Anne, Cheyenne, Melody, Megan, Tiffany.... and those are just some of the girls. There is a very large list on sweet little Katia's page Sometimes it is just overwhelming, and at other times, I'm drawn to it.

A smile is slowly crossing my face about all these girls in Heaven. Adrienne loved to have sleep-overs with the greatest amount of girls possible. I can just see her acting out the slumber party scene in "The Princess Diaries II: The Royal Engagement" when they all take turns sliding down the stairs on matresses. I could just see my crazy girl doing that. Oh, she was serious when it was time to dance for the Lord, but my girl is kooky when it comes to having fun! Adrienne and Brandice gave me the Princess Diaries for Christmas a couple of years ago.

Sometimes, I can close my eyes and hear Adrienne's six-year-old voice singing "Heaven is a wonderful place filled with glory and grace, I wanna see my Savior's face 'cause Heaven is a wonderful place."

I can't wait to see you there, Punkin'!!!

Monday, February 28, 2005 5:13 PM CST

Dear Mama Dear,

I know this site is set up to remember Adrienne, but I want you to know that you've been on my heart lately. I dreamed the other day that I had attended your funeral, but I brought you home with me because I couldn't let go of you. Every time I told Alvin that I was ready to let you go and he went to pick you up, I cried and told him, "No, not yet." I miss you so much, Mama Dear. I wish I could find the words to say how much. I told a friend yesterday how you would think that I would have dealt with your death simultaneously with Adrienne's but I just couldn't get over hers, so now I am dealing with your separately I guess.

You know what? Sometimes when I'm on the phone with Mama and she is talking and talking, I hear your voice so clearly. I don't often say anything to her about it because I don't want her to be self-conscious and change. I need to hear it. There are songs that Alvin sometimes plays on his radio station that make me think of you. The other day we were hollering while listening to "I Know the Lord Will Make a Way."

Alvin and I were ministered to this weekend by a "granddaddy" in the gospel. It was such a blessing to us because we don't know a lot of older saints here in Austin. He lost his daughter a decade ago. She was the twin sister of the pastor's wife of the new church that we have covenanted with. His wisdom and kindness were like healing oinment on a wound. Oh, how we needed it!

Yesterday I woke up thinking of all the old First Church saints that have already gone home to be with the Lord: Grandma Matthews, Uncle Dane, Mother Ford, Bro. and Sis. Little, Deacon Caruthers, Mother Jarman, Mother Dibbles, Mother Roach, Bishop Brown, Eld. Cox, and two of my favorites Mother Harding and her sister Mother Brown and also Mother Lee. Of course I think of Mama and Daddy Douglas daily too. There are so many others outside of First Church too: Vlasta, our interpreter in the Czech Republic, Sis. Thornton, Mother Peace, Mother Terry, Alvin's friend Tim, my friend Dawnviline, and our Austin friend Bro. Don Travis. There are so many names that I could name but time would not permit me. I'm sure if you're reading this you can add quite a few names too.

But the Scriptures tell us of those that have gone on before:

Hebrews 11:13-16
These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. For those who say such things declare plainly that they seek a homeland. And truly if they had called to mind that country from which they had come out, they would have had opportunity to return. But now they desire a better, that is, a heavenly country. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.

This song was playing in our house the morning that Adrienne got saved. I remember it clearly because I had church before I got to church.

I Bowed on My Knees
and Cried, "Holy"
Words and music by Jimmie Davis

I dreamed of a city called Glory,
So bright and so fair.
When I entered that gate I cried, "Holy"
The angels all met me there:
They carried me from mansion to mansion,
And oh what sites I saw.
But I said, "I want to see Jesus,
He's the One who died for all."

Chorus
Then I bowed on my knees and cried,
"Holy, Holy, Holy."
Then I clapped my hands and sang, "Glory,
Glory to the Son of God."
Then I bowed on my knees and cried,
"Holy, Holy, Holy."
Then I clapped my hands and sang, "Glory,
Glory to the Son of God."

I thought as I entered that city,
My friends all knew me well.
They showed me the streets of Heaven;
Such scenes too numerous to tell;
I saw Abraham, Isaac and Jacob,
Mark, Luke and Timothy.
But I said, "I want to see Jesus,
He's the One who died for me."

Chorus
Then I bowed on my knees and cried,
"Holy, Holy, Holy."
Then I clapped my hands and sang, "Glory,
Glory to the Son of God."
Then I bowed on my knees and cried,
"Holy, Holy, Holy."
Then I clapped my hands and sang, "Glory,
Glory to the Son of God."

Blessings,

Nichelle

Tuesday, January 25, 2005 11:44 PM CST

Dear Adrienne,

There is not one day that goes by that you are ever far from my thoughts. There was always something comforting about your presence. I loved just to be near you.

I wish you could have stayed longer to see Tre' and Charis getting bigger. Tre' is playing basketball. He still smiles whenever he runs. I would give anything to hear you call him your "little dude" even just one more time.

Charis wants to be just like you. She talks about you all the time and asks us if she dances like you. We tell her yes, but that she is her own person. But the truth is that she is so much like you it is scary. When I watched her dance recital video I had to keep reminding myself that it wasn't you.

Of course Brandice is having to find her way in the world without her older sister having paved the way. She is forging out a new existence for herself that is her own and not half of "Adrienne and Brandice." It would have happened eventually, but, oh how I miss my girls!

I think Daddy and I are aging before our time. We have creaks and groans in our bodies that were years away before you left us.

The world is changing and though I'm sure your life in Heaven is wonderful, I wish you were here to gush over Lucy's new baby on 7th Heaven, or to be as sick of hearing Hillary Duff as we all are.

It's just the ordinary everyday things of being your mom that I miss. I know you would love the aerobics classes that Brandice and I attend. We always laugh at you imitating the Weight Watchers aerobic video or the "ballet lady" on Classical Stretch. When I'm busy coordinating our schedules with basketball practice, Awana Club, YMCA Teen Court, Boy Scout, and Girl Scout meetings, I want so bad for Sacred Dance to be on my list of places to run in "mom's taxi." And when we read aloud together in the afternoons, I want you to hear you have your turn too.

Adrienne, can you see me? Can you hear me? Do you know when I cry myself to sleep because I miss you so bad? Are you listening when I quietly say you name when I pass your picture because I just need to savor the formation of your name on my lips?

I will never stop missing you, baby girl.

Love,

Mama

"I'll Fly Away"

Some glad morning when this life is over,
I'll fly away.
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away.

I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.

When the shadows of this life have flown,
I'll fly away.
Like a bird thrown, driven by the storm,
I'll fly away.

I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.

Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away.
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away.

I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005 10:27 PM CST

Well here it is at the 2 year point (2 years ago) when we received the news of my daughters tumor. I have not posted to this site because it has been hard for me as Daddy. To be perfectly honest, it is VERY hard now. My Peanut and I had a special relationship and I really miss her. I had to be strong for the family over the last almost 2 years however now I am the one breaking down. Yea I know, as belivers we know that she is now in heaven, but as a parent her not being here is like a serated knife that is pushed into your heart but not withdrawn and it just keeps on turning. Some people will "Assume" that you will "get over it". I have a word for you so you will not make a fool of yourself. WE WILL NEVER GET OVER IT! oK? Yes we can talk about our daughter and laugh about her antics while she was here but the pain does not cease. Does bringing up her name upset us? NO-WAY!! WE TALK ABOUT HER. It does not make us cry talking about her so there is no need to walk on egg-shells with the subject. How does one take 13 years and erase it like it never happened? I'm I hurting? You better believe it, is my family, ditto but we are moving forward. It is just the anniversaries that really bring up the hurt and not feeling like getting out of bed. I have to be Daddy for the rest of my children and I know that, however I just miss being Daddy for my Peanut...
Alvin Nelson - The Daddy

Wednesday, November 10, 2004 0:05 AM CST

We are coming upon the second anniversary of Adrienne's passing, and the second of her birthdays without her. Our family is so different now without her here. Everyone has grown a little older and are into different things, but no matter how much we change, she is still SO much a part of who we are as a family.

On Monday, we took communion together just as a family. It was Charis' first time taking it because she just recently got saved. All of our children have gotten saved at around 4 1/2 years old. We've never prodded or pushed, we wanted them to know what the Scriptures say about it and come to the decision on their own. I guess it was worrying Tre' so that Charis hadn't gotten saved yet so he sat down with her and explained to her that she needed to give her heart to the Lord and they prayed together in their room and told us about it later. Praise the Lord!

Anyway, although we were taking communion as an "almost" complete family, and it was so bitter and yet so sweet at the same time. Bitter because I want SO bad for the six of us to be together again, and sweet knowing that because of our faith in Christ, one day that will come to pass, but it won't be communion, but the wedding supper of the Lamb that we will share together.

In my heart, I must ask a thousand times a day, "Why, Lord?" We have friends who speak as if one day we will be "over" it, but I don't see how that will ever be possible. I think I've said before that I consider it to be Jacob's limp in my life. I don't want to use it as a crutch or an excuse to not fulfill my God-given purpose in life and in ministry, but rather I depend on it for fuel to propel me. My limp, though internal, is a constant reminder that she was here, that just as for 9 months she grew under my heart, for 13 years her love, her laughter, and her life became entwined in mine and we are FOREVER inseparable. Words are so inadequate and inefficient at describing how much I miss her.

Unfortunately, I think we as bereaved parents have to learn to mask our limp. Most people are uncomfortable with that level of pain. When it is brought up in conversation, it becomes a hot potato others are afraid to touch. Sadly, they look at other bereaved parents who may have been bereaved for many years and they mistakenly think, "Oh, they've done well, they've gotten over it, they've been healed, or they've handled it well." I think the truth of the matter is that they've just learned to be more proficient at masking their pain because it makes everyone else uncomfortable.

Thanksgiving is okay, but I'm definitely not looking forward to the rest of the holidays. In fact, I'm dreading it. I tell myself that if I can just hold myself together for Charis birthday then I'll worry about the rest later.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Wednesday, October 6, 2004 10:33 AM CDT

I apologize for not updating this page sooner. I actually had, but the computer I was using locked up and I lost all that I had done.

Brandice's Bat Mitzvah was beautiful. God worked everything out. There were things that I was worried about but God made sure that no detail went unnoticed. We even got through it without falling apart. Adrienne would not have wanted Brandice's Bat Mitzvah to have been about her, and she wouldn't have wanted it to be sad.

We are SO busy now. The busyness is therapy for us.

Alvin is working at building his internet radio business, TDGR. He's also undergoing a transition in ministry.

I am on the last two sections of my medical transcription program. I'm also teaching cake decorating at the homeschool co-op.

Brandice is in Girl Scouts. She has activities with her regular troop and also with a leadership troop called SCIP (Seniors and Cadettes in Power). She's in a homeschool debate club, and taking a college and career planning class. She is also serving on the Williamson County teen court and we're going to the gym 4 days per week to try to get in shape.

Tre' is a Tiger Cub Scout and a Spark in Awana Club.

Charis is taking worship dance lessons and is a Cubbie in Awana Club.

All three children still attend their grief support group.

Anyone who says that homeschoolers are undersocialized should fill up my gas tank on a weekly basis.

My grief these days come from listening to songs that Adrienne danced to, buying dance costumes for Charis (what would it have been like to have both of them dancing at the same time?). I haven't even been to the cemetary in a while. I think my running around with the other children keeps my mind off of it. It catches up with me when I least expect it. I was listening to a song while working out at the gym and a song made me think of her. I had to get up and leave. I don't expect the longing in my heart to ever lessen. I adapt around it, but it is always contained in my heart.

I miss you, my precious Adrienne!

Blessings,

Nichelle

I have never posted to this page, however it DOES NOT mean that I didn't want to. As the daddy, grief takes men in a different way. I really miss my girl (Peanut) however I know that she is doing much better than I. When I look at my Charis, I see my Adrienne all over again knowing that Charis is Charis but the appearance and her actions remind me so much of my firstborn. Daddy grieves in a different way, that is way I talk about her much and I have her pictures on my computer monitor on the job. I know that my girl was zaney so her pictures just remind me of how she made me laugh, oh how I would love to laugh with her again...

Alvin

I hate grief. Really, I do. It is a thousand ton weight that won't come off. The extracurricular activities do lighten the load for a little while though. (Actually, debate club makes it worse) Of course, there IS a certain someone to take my mind off of things for a little while...but I won't discuss that right now. My hamster, Princess, is dead. The weight just got heavier. I adopted another hamster, his name is Romeo. The weight lightens a little. But whatever I do, it will never be completely gone until I go to heaven.

Brandice

Saturday, August 21, 2004 10:30 PM CDT

Well it's almost here. Brandice's 13th birthday and Christian Bat Mitzvah. Every year since Brandice could count, she has told us how many days left until her birthday. Even Adrienne got sick of hearing it. Never have I approached one of her birthdays with so much pain. I guess you could say fear is there too. A couple of days ago we were at the table eating lunch. The thought crossed my mind that her Bat Mitzvah would occur in 10 days. Then I thought, did we eat together on December 18, 10 days before Adrienne's Christian Bat Mitzvah? Probably. I remember it was a Tuesday because Adrienne's last dance was Sunday, December 16th. I'm sure we probably had school that day so we would have eaten lunch togethr and afterward I would have laid on the floor and read to them while they cleaned the kitchen. Could I have possibly imagined that on Adrienne's special day 10 days later that she would be dying and we didn't know it?

Brandice I were having a conversation tonight and I just broke down. I try so hard not to do that in front of my children. But tonight my grief overwhelmed me and I could not hold back the tears or rush to the bathroom like I ususally do so she could not see me cry. We talked about donating organs. At the time, when they asked me, I could not consent to donating Adrienne's organs. Although I understood she was no longer in any pain, I couldn't let them cut my baby! Later, after talking with other bereaved parents, I kind of regret that decision because I really believe that Adrienne would have wanted to. But I didn't have the opportunity to talk to her about it. That's one thing that makes me feel so cheated!

We had a mom's night out for our homeschooling group on Monday. No one in our group has been homeschooling as long as I have. This is my eleventh year. I have always explained things to my children beforehand so when they came into a new situation they would be somewhat prepared. I did that for EVERY situation; field trips, doctors visits, changes in ministry, changes in location. I never wanted them to be fearful so I made sure they at least a basic knowledge of where they were going, what they would be doing, and why. If I had had the opportunity, I would have sat down with Adrienne and talked to her about the tumor. If I had know that they couldn't fix her I could have talked to her about what she wanted to do with her organs, what she wanted for her memorial service, who she wanted to sing, what kind of flowers, what verse she would have wanted on her headstone. I know that in reality, if they would have told me she wasn't going to survive I wouldn't have believed them anyway. But I never got to talk to her about it! It just happened and "boom" she was gone. I guess I still can't stop being her mother AND her teacher.

I know that some would probably think it strange that I did not grieve my daughter and grandmother simultaneously since their deaths were only 5 days apart. My grief for Adrienne overshadowed my grief for Mama Dear. But now that I'm learning how to live without Adrienne I'm finding it more and more painful living without Mama Dear. I told Alvin last week that I feel the abscence of her prayers. If anyone was praying for me, Mama Dear was. I know my mother and my husband and others pray for me, but Mama Dear was more than just my grandmother, she was my spiritual mother. All of my early spiritual education took place on a pew sitting next to her. I remember so clearly the sound of her shouts, the sound of the pages of her Bible, her tenor voice singing, the feel of the handkerchief laid across her lap for me to lay my head on, and her shoes (that's all I could see with my head on her lap) with her feet crossed at the ankles ("Don't cross your legs in church, Nichelle"). I feel like there's a void in the atmosphere where her prayers should be.

Alvin is feeling down now too. It's hard when we're both down at the same time. It's kind of like the blind leading the blind and they both fall into a ditch. I want Brandice's Bat Mitzvah to be so special for her. I need some things to happen (miraculously). I still believe that God is able and willing to bless this day for Brandice's sake. I want it to be about her, just her. But it is so very hard. Please pray. Fill in the void that I feel with the absence of Mama Dear's prayers (that means you have to pray TWICE as hard).

Blessings,

Nichelle

Wednesday, July 14, 2004 3:28 PM CDT

Hi everybody,

Tomorrow it will be eighteen months without my Adrienne. A year-and-a-half has gone by since I last held her face in my hands and kissed her cheek, hugged her and smelled her hair, heard the sound of her voice telling me that she loved me. To say that I miss her sounds so insufficient. It is SUCH an understatement. Not a day goes by that I don't say under my breath, "How can you not be here?" Today I was saying something to Brandice about Mama Dear (my grandmother) and felt that familiar ache in my heart of missing her too. I miss the sound of her voice. Nobody says my name like her.

I hate death. There are days that I feel overwhelmed by it. My mother-in-law has lost two siblings in the past month. Hearing the pain in her voice when she called to tell me brought back all the pain of last January and burying two people that I love so much back to back. Gran-gran, we're praying for you! Alvin just heard that he lost a baby cousin to SIDS this past weekend. I honestly don't know if I can take any more bad news right now. Even though we don't live where all of this has happened, we still feel connected because of our shared grief.

"This hymn was written after two major traumas in Spafford’s life. The first was the great Chicago Fire of October 1871, which ruined him financially (he had been a wealthy businessman). Shortly after, while crossing the Atlantic, all four of Spafford’s daughters died in a collision with another ship. Spafford’s wife Anna survived and sent him the now famous telegram, “Saved alone.” Several weeks later, as Spafford’s own ship passed near the spot where his daughters died, the Holy Spirit inspired these words. They speak to the eternal hope that all believers have, no matter what pain and grief befall them on earth."

IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

Refrain

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

Refrain

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

Refrain

But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!

Refrain

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Refrain

Lately, I've been consumed with my children's lives this summer. That's a good thing for me. It keeps my mind on something.

Charis had surgery on her eyelid in June. The anesthesia made her VERY hyper. For two or three weeks I felt as if I were holding on to the back of a fast-moving train. She has so many mannerisms like Adrienne. Most of the time I think of my "big girl" Adrienne, but Charis reminds me of what she was like at four. She was ALWAYS jumping up and down. It's almost as if she couldn't talk to me without her feet leaving the earth. Charis started reading 3-letter words. That's always a plus in our homeschooling journey when one of our children learns to read.

Charis and Tre' had swim lessons last month and Tre' attended a great vacation Bible school that he really enjoyed. This week they're attending a Backyard Bible Club at a neighbor's house. They're having lots of fun.

This is really a summer of transition for Brandice. My baby girl is blossoming into a young woman. She's been so happy about some things that are happening in her life right now that it makes us happy to see her floating around and smiling. Occasionally I will catch her in a blank stare and a frown on her face and I know she's thinking about her sister. Next month will be Brandice's 13th birthday and her Christian "Bat Mitzvah" where she will dedicate her teenage years to the Lord. It's hard for me to think about sometimes because it was the very last celebration we got to do for Adrienne. Brandice's is going to be a little different than Adrienne's was. She'll be the only one doing it where as Adrienne had three friends she did it with.

A few weeks ago I called Spelman College. It is a historically Black women's college in Atlanta. I spoke to the admissions office and got all the information on their admission requirements for homeschooled students. It has become my consuming passion to make sure that Brandice is fully prepared for college. I'm praying now (please pray with us) for high SAT scores and enough scholarships to fund EVERYTHING. This fall she's taking a college and career planning course from a woman who was awarded over $50,000 in scholarships. It fully funded her bachelor and master's degrees at UT. I'm excited that this fall she is going to be teaching Brandice how to do what she did. Next year Brandice will be taking correspondence courses for Advance Placement high school credits.

I'm going to be teaching two classes at the homeschool co-op this fall; cake decorating and a Bible class. Everything I make will be going to pay for Brandice's classes. Since babysitting is not really her forte, she's going to be making some money making cupcakes for classrooms this fall. Her flyers will read "Classroom Cupcakes" by Brandice. My business is "Personal Touch Cakes" by Nichelle. We have 4 elementary schools in our area to service. I'm also making cakes for a local small wedding chapel. I'm doing transcription at a feverish pace. I'm trying to get down as soon as possible.

Yesterday I had a cake customer at the house for a while. She commented that she thought we were "strong" because of how we were still standing after all that we've gone through. I feel that statement couldn't be further from the truth. People may see us standing, but they don't see who it is that is holding us up. In I Kings 18 Elijah is depressed and hiding in a cave because Jezabel had threatened to take his life. God asked Him, "Elijah, what are you doing here?" There are many days that I'm laying on my bed when I don't want to do medical transcription, I don't want to teach my children, I don't want to talk to cake customers or friends, I don't want to preach, sometimes I don't even want to go to church. I just want to lie on my bed cry out to God as Elijah did, "God, let me die!". But the Lord responds as to Elijah "Nichelle, what are you doing here?" He demonstrated to Elijah that He wasn't a God who only spoke in big, flashy, dramatic situations, but He is the God who answers in a still small voice. God's response to Elijah was not to pity him, but to give him a job to do. The joy of the Lord stems from obedience to Him. It's from getting up everyday and ministering to our family and our church members. God doesn't ask us to do flashy things. He just asks us to be obedient in the simple things of life. Juanita Bynam Weeks says that we need to ask for the spirit of obedience. We cannot please God in our flesh.

John 4:24 "God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth."

When I get up in the morning and greet my family I am worshiping God, when I'm teaching my children I am worshiping God, when I'm encouraging my husband I am worshiping God, when I'm demonstrating my talents in designing a cake, I'm worshiping God. It's nothing flashy like preaching under the anointing on Sundays, but it is still worship, and God meets me where I am and speaks to me.

I hope all of you are listening to and telling your friends about Alvin's internet gospel radio station--> http://www.tdgr.org

Blessings,

Nichelle

Saturday, June 19, 2004 3:54 PM CDT

I know it's been a long time since I put in a journal entry. Sometimes you just can't put words to the pain. You just have to, as my mother says, "keep on moving." Last Saturday night Brandice cried herself to sleep over Adrienne. There is absolutely nothing that I can do or say to help take her pain away. Nothing. This week she's been distracted over something. It has made her happy. It has made me happy to see her happy.

Yesterday, Charis had surgery on her eye. Do you have any idea how difficult it is for Alvin and me to sit and wait in a hospital waiting room for the doctor to bring us a word about our daughter? It doesn't matter if it was the same waiting room or not, or the same doctor or not, or the same daughter or not. One hour is always like a lifetime.

The last time Charis had surgery, when we brought her home Adrienne and Brandice waited on her hand and foot. They brought her Cheerios in a cup and sat with her while I took a nap. Now Brandice and Tre' keep her entertained, but it is still a reminder that Adrienne is missing.

I like the way my friend Yvonne describes being a bereaved parent. It's like being sentenced to prison. Yes, sometimes you get to go out and experience the sunshine, but the prison is still all around you. I have felt like it is a punishment that will never end. For me it is Jacob's limp. It reminds me that I have wrestled with God.

This week I called a college that Brandice is interested in attending to find out about entrance requirements. We are in the process of planning for her highschool curriculum. I want so badly to be planning for Adrienne. She was supposed to go first!

Last week Alvin preached, "Don't Ask, Just Do It." It convicted me because I probably spend hours of my day asking, "Why, Lord, why? Show me my sin! What did I do?"

Of course I never get an answer.

The old song says,

"By and by
When the mornin' comes.
All the saints of God
Will be gathering home
We'll tell the story of
How we've overcome
And We'll understand it better
By and by."

Whether you are a Democrat or a Republican, there couldn't be anyone with a heart who was not touched by Nancy Reagan's grief this past week. I certainly was. Even though they were robbed of shared memories and experiences because of the Alzheimer's disease, their genuine (not Hollywood and not Washington) love for one another endured and not only showed through the services, but the infectiousness of it was evident and commented on by all who knew them.

It reminded me of how thankful I am to have someone in my life to go with me through the journey of my joy and my sorrow. Though over 70% of the marriages of bereaved parents end in divorce, God is keeping us and giving us showers of joy in our desert of grief. Tomorrow is another Father's Day without our firstborn, but I pray that the Lord will give us joy in the laughter of our other three precious babies, in the memories of the laughs we had when we were all together, and in the hope of the laughter we will share when we are reunited again.

Happy Father's Day, Bear!

Blessings,

Nichelle

Thursday, May 20, 2004 8:54 PM CDT

If Tomorrow Never Comes

If I knew it would be the last time
that I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,
I would spare an extra minute or two
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would know I do.

If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything right.

There will always be another day
to say our "I love you's,"
and certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do's?"

But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget,
tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike.
And today may be the last chance you get
to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day
that you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss,
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,
whisper in their ear,
tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear.

Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"please forgive me," "thank you," or "it's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.

~ Author Unknown ~

It's been a very busy couple of weeks since I last posted. Shortly after my last post, my doorbell rang at 9 o'clock at night. It was my neighbor from across the street. I looked through the peephole and saw that she was holding her new little toddler daughter, just adopted from Russia only 2 months ago. I was not prepared when I opened my door to see tears streaming down her face and to hear her painfully say the words, "Nichelle, Brandon has a brain tumor." My head began to spin back toward January 11, 2003. "I'm sorry to tell you that Adrienne has a brain tumor." What ugly, hideous, foul words.

It took every ounce of mental strength to stay in the present. Brandon is her 20-year-old stepson. He just enlisted in the Navy this year and a couple of months ago on Valentine's Day married an 18-year-old bride. Can you imagine having all that thrust upon you that young? When we were building our house, Alvin would come here after work to look at what had been done. It was dark outside by then and all he had was a little penlight. Brandon would look out his bedroom window and see that tiny little light moving around and would come over and bring his huge flashlight so Alvin could see better. As little as I remember of the night Adrienne died, I remember their family being here. I remember Brandon walking around in our family room. They sent a huge beautiful flower arrangement to the funeral home.

I prayed for my neighbor in my kitchen that night. After I prayed she tearfully told me something she said she'd often thought about telling me but didn't know if and when it was appropriate.

She told me that the last time Adrienne was at her house, it was less than a month before her death. She had come to bring Tre' and Charis to play with her son, Seth. I just vaguely remember sending her over there. She and my neighbor sat in her livingroom and Adrienne began to ask her about whether or not she was attending church and inviting them to ours. My neighbor was crying while she told this, but I couldn't help but swell with pride. Here was my daughter, with less than 1 month to live, about her Father's business. I felt that story was my Mother's Day gift from Adrienne. It was a reminder that we raised her with the right priorities.

When she first died I searched and searched for something that I could have done as a mother to be punished so severely to have her taken from me. Yet, I realize that there are those who are far worse at mothering than I and still the Lord mercifully allows them to keep their children. Hearing about Adrienne's dedication to serving the Lord and watching the video of her dancing and worshipping her God is the equivalent to me of hearing Him say, "Well done thou GOOD and FAITHFUL servant."

I preached on Mother's Day and the week after. The last thing I wanted to do was to sit in the church feeling sorry for myself. I would rather be like Adrienne and be found busy working for the Lord. I'm starting two simultaneous Bible studies next week. They are both on "Experiencing God". It has been a blessing to me. One study will be for women in my community, but if you are a man or if you live outside of our area, you are welcome to join in the online study.

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Lastly, I got the Mother's Day gift of my dreams. Alvin gave me a beautiful mother's ring with all our children's birthstones and each of their names inscribed in it. It is the most beautiful ring in the world. Of course, you know I cried.

Please continue to pray for us. We want to do the will of God, but we are walking wounded. There is never a time we are not in emotional pain. Brandice had a difficult day at the mall last week. The mall has always been difficult for me because there are so many teenagers. It's hard to believe I should be the mother of a 14-year-old. I feel as though I'm missing out on so much as the mom of a teenager.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Thursday, April 29, 2004 9:01 PM CDT

I'm coming up on another Mother's Day without all my children around me. I'm missing Adrienne so much. Yes, I'm getting on with life--busying myself with this and that, but I miss her so much. Brandice asked me today if we were going to take a family picture soon. I can't do it! My family is not complete. I know it never will be, and we will take a family picture someday. But right now it hurts too much.

We just returned from New Jersey and enjoyed a visit with Alvin's parents and some other family members. Just like when I was at my mother's house last month, we were surrounded by pictures of Adrienne at various stages of life. It made us long for her more. It's not that we don't have pictures of her here, just different ones.

I was an only child until I was nine. I have a very active imagination. Sometimes I feel as though I'm an undercover agent. My assignment is to infiltrate and blend in with all the people I've been assigned to. I smile and wave when they smile and wave. I function in their world like I'm one of them. But it's just a mask. I'd rather not be here. I'm just fulfilling my assignment. I'm counting down until it's time to go.

The Bible says that God has put eternity in our hearts. We're SUPPOSED to long for Heaven. But knowing our loved ones are there make us long for it all the more. I remind myself daily that it's because of my relationship with Jesus that my way to Heaven has been paid. What an awesome price was paid so that I could have the assurance that my separation from Adrienne is only temporary. I know that Jesus death, burial, and resurrection are worth SO much more than that (Romans 8:18 "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."), but sometimes you just have to grab hold of whatever motivates you just to keep going.

My family bothers me about how much I forget. Yes, I admit it, I forget a lot of things. I forget appointments, directions, items mislaid, phone numbers, conversations, people I've supposedly met. But for all that I've forgotten, there's a lot that I remember too.

When I wake up in the morning, I remember that she's not in her bed.

When I'm in the kitchen for breakfast, I remember that I don't need to ask who's turn it was to clean the kitchen the night before to find out why the floor wasn't swept.

When I go to aerobics and feel my joints creaking and stiffening, I remember that I'm 37 but feel like 60 because the heaviness of grief is wearing me out before my time.

When it's time for the children's schooling I remember that I'm not teaching 4 children, only 3.

When it's time to run everyone to their extracurricular activities, I remember that I'm not headed down RR620 to Ms. Ruth Ann's dance class.

When I'm in my car, I remember that it's Brandice in the front seat next to me, not Adrienne.

When I need to take Brandice somewhere and don't really feel like waiting for Tre' and Charis to find their shoes, I remember that Adrienne is not here to babysit for me.

When dance catalogs arrive in the mail every month I remember that the one person who couldn't wait to see what's new in them isn't here.

When it's time for bed, I remember that I don't have to yell for Adrienne and Brandice to stop all that cackling and go to sleep.

When I walk past her newborn picture on the wall in the hallway at 3 a.m. because missing her is making me lose sleep, I remember the day she was born.

When my car drives past a cemetary, any cemetary, I remember the day she died.

I may forget a lot, but you have to take into consideration what it is that I'm always remembering. I may look like I'm functioning well and have my emotions well under control, but underneath it I'm remembering. I'm always remembering.

God Will Remember Zion -- Isaiah 49
14 But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me,
And my Lord has forgotten me."

15"Can a woman forget her nursing child,
And not have compassion on the son of her womb?
Surely they may forget,
Yet I will not forget you.
16See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands;
Your walls are continually before Me.
17Your sons shall make haste;
Your destroyers and those who laid you waste
Shall go away from you.
18Lift up your eyes, look around and see;
All these gather together and come to you.
As I live," says the LORD,
"You shall surely clothe yourselves with them all as an ornament,
And bind them on you as a bride does.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Friday, April 9, 2004 9:56 PM CDT

Hi all,

I just returned from visiting my mother in Colorado. She's status post meniscectomy. I've got medical terms on the brain. Brandice is begging me to stop. I can't help myself. I'm beginning to see a light at the end of this medical transcription tunnel.

This is the first time my mother and I have been together since saying goodbye to both Adrienne and my mother's mother, Mama Dear. What a nightmare. Sometimes I wake up and pray that it was all a bad dream. They couldn't both be gone, could they?

Yesterday, I decided to go ahead and buy flowers for Adrienne's grave. I haven't changed them since her birthday in December. Buying flowers for Adrienne's grave is always difficult for me. I'd much rather be buying her shoes or clothes to dress her in, not dressing up her grave. When I went into Garden Ridge, I said a small prayer that the Lord would lead me to just the right flowers, and not too expensive, so I could be on my way and to the cemetary before the sun went down. My prayer kind of went, "Lord, help me to find these flowers quickly, not that You really care about her grave. After all, she's with You." I was noticeably annoyed.

I searched among some flowers, and thought I was ready to leave when I came upon these really colorful flowers. They were red, yellow, purple, and orange all on one bush. There were matching berry-looking things too that came in orange and yellow, and they were all on sale. They were so perfect for Adrienne. The bright wild colors almost made me laugh when I thought about her radiant, funny personality. As I arranged them in her vase, I had to say "thank You" to the Lord. Although Adrienne's grave may not be that important to Him, He knows it is important to me. Now, if I could just figure out how to get a lava lamp and a disco ball to work at the cemetary.........

NO VACATION

There is no vacation from your absence
Every morning I awake,
I am a bereaved parent.
Every noon I feel the hole in my heart,
Every evening my arms are empty.
My life is busy now, but not quite full.
My heart is mended, but not quite healed.
For the rest of my life,
Every moment will be lived without you.
There is no vacation from your absence.
--Kathy Boyette, Gulfport, MS

I saw this little article in my local Compassionate Friends newsletter. It reminded me of the time I spent with my mother.

A BEREAVED GRANDPARENT
I am powerless. I am helpless. I am frustrated. I sit here with her and cry with her. She cries for her daughter and I cry for mine. I can't help her. I can't reach inside and mend her broken heart. I must watch her suffer day after day and see her desolate. I listen to her tell me over and over how she misses Emily, how she wants her back. I can't bring Emily back for her. I can't even buy her a better Emily than she had, like I could buy her a better toy when she was a child.

I can't kiss the hurt and make it go away. I can't even kiss a small part of it away. There's not a Band-Aid large enough to cover her bleeding heart. There was a time I could listen to her talk about a fickle boyfriend and tell her it would be okay, an know in my heart that in two weeks she wouldn't even think of him. Can I tell her it'll be okay in two years when I know it will never be okay, that she will carry this pain of "what might have been" in her deepest heart for the rest of her life?

I see this young woman, my child who was once carefree and fun-loving and bubbling with life, slumped in a chair with her eyes full of agony. Where is my power now? Where is my mother's bag of tricks that will make it all better?

Why can't I join in the aloneness of her grief? As tight as my arms wrap around her, I can't reach that aloneness. Where are the magic words that will give comfort? What chapter in D. Spock tells me how to do this? He has told me everything else I needed to know. Where are the answers? I should have them. I am her mother.

What can I give her to make her better? A cold wet wash cloth will ease that swelling of her crying eyes, but it won't stop the reason for her tears. What treat will bring that "happy child" smile back again? I know that someday she'll find happiness again, that her life will have meaning again. I can hold out hope for her someday, but what about now? This hour? This day?

I can give her my love and prayers and my care and my concern. I would give her my life. But even that won't help.
--Margaret Gerner, TCF, St. Louis, MO
-Lovingly Lifted from Jan/Feb 1999 Newsletter of The Southern Oregon TCF

Two years ago, I was letting Adrienne get her first "high" shoes. They're platform sandals. I miss her feet. I still get dance catalogs in the mail. I miss hearing her oooh and aaah. A couple of years ago, all she wanted was some Montego Bay sandals. I wish I had bought them. It would probably be just as painful to look at now as her limp, empty dance costumes that hang in my closet are now.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in the waiting room, just waiting for my name to be called so that I can enter the place where she is. She had to wait in the waiting room for me when I had doctor's appointments while I was pregnant with Tre' and Charis. One time while waiting, she and Brandice took cookies from a stranger (I never remember to bring snacks for my children). They got in trouble for taking the cookies; but I know, that the wait always seemed so long. That's kind of what life is like for me now. I engage in pleasant conversations, read satisfying and informative reading material, watch a few good TV programs, but I'm waiting. I'm always waiting.

Today is Good Friday. For the disciples, it was a day of waiting. The old saying goes that "good things come to those that wait." The Bible says, "Wait on the Lord, and be of good courage and the Lord shall strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord."

Have a joyous Resurrection Sunday!

Blessings,

Nichelle

Monday, March 22, 2004 9:40 AM CST

I'm reading Shakespeare's King John to Brandice in the evenings and I ran across this quote by Constance, the mother of Prince Arthur after assuming her son was dead.

Pandulph: You hold to heinous a respect [atrocious a conception] of grief.

Constance: He talks to me that never had a son.

King John: You are as fond of grief as your child.

Constance: "Grief fills up the room of my absent child,
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers [reminds] me of all his gracious parts,
Stuffs out his vacant garment with his form;
Then have I reason to be fond of grief!
Fare you well: had you such a loss as I,
I could give better comfort than you do.
I will not keep this form [she had pinned up her hair] upon my head,
When there is such disorder in my wit [mind]!
O Lord! My boy, my Arthur, my fair son!
My life, my joy, my food, my all the world!
My widow-comfort, and my sorrows' cure!

This morning we are kind of in shock.

The other day, Alvin discovered an article online on cnn.com, an article that speaks of a surgeon who has successfully treated a thalamic tumor (the same kind that Adrienne had) in a 9-year-old boy. I emailed that doctor (not really expecting to hear back from him). I asked him if it would have made a difference if the tumor was malignant or benign. He wrote me back and said that the type of tumor would not have mattered.

Last year the attorney said, "There's no doubt that the pediatrician screwed up, but because of the malignancy of Adrienne's tumor nothing humanly possible could have been done to save her."

Now, we found out that there IS something being done for these types of tumors. I've put in a call to the attorney, in light of this new information. We'll let you know what we come up with.

Saturday, March 13, 2004 11:05 PM CST

Brandice reminded me that I'm late putting up a new journal entry. By the way, thank you for all who prayed for Brandice's spelling bee competition. She walked away with first runner up and a cool trophy. Next year, we're going to Washington!!!!

Our church has been studying Experiencing God by Henry T. Blackaby. It has been such an awesome experience. Alvin and I have the adult versions, Brandice has a youth version, and Tre' has the preteen version. If you're looking for a study on discipleship, looking for a family devotional, or simply want to draw nigh unto God, look no further. I have been doing book studies for years. Very few have been life changing.

Sidenote: One life-changing study that I've taught in the past has been Creative Counterpart. The author, Linda Dillow, "describes a creative counterpart as being more than just a helper. She is a woman who, having chosen (or having found herself in) the vocation of wife and mother, decides to learn and grow in all the areas of this role and to work as though she were aiming for the presidency of a corporation." I taught this study while overseas. One sister in the Lord that I taught it to has taught it to other women in her church. Here is a portion of the email I got from her about it. It blessed my heart, and I really needed to hear some encouragement the day I received it:

I also have Creative Counterpart up and running in
cycles, the old group wants to repeat and we are bring in new girls.....we meet at a coffee shop monday nights and it has been wonderful.... I buy the books used for less than $5 and keep a stock on hand. i started witht the woman from our cell group and we had a sweetheart dinner based out of this group of women so we could have romance with our honeys... it has been good, good, good. Just wanted to encourage you in that, the fruit continues from your work... We have pretty large church and the pastors wife has endorsed and tries to help increase the exposure of the study.....the plan is to split the group afer this round and start up new groups.....new revelation for me each
time I do this study.....any how have a great day...

What a blessing; I really needed that.

Anyway, back to Experiencing God. Each day, I write in a journal one significant thing I read that day. A couple of days ago, I wrote "'Never, ever determine the truth of a situation by looking at the circumstances' and 'The Holy Spirit takes the Word of God and reveals God's perspective on the circumstance.'" I have been so depressed the past couple of days. I miss Adrienne so much it hurts. One stage of early grief is bargaining. It's like I've reverted back to an earlier stage of grieving. I sometimes tell the Lord I would do ANYTHING if He would just somehow make this all a bad dream, and let me wake up tomorrow and see Adrienne standing at the foot of my bed with her hair sticking up and her big goofy grin staring down at me. ANYTHING!!!! ANYTHING!!!!! Well, as if to add insult to injury, I was cleaning up some things today and ran across something from the cemetary. It said, "This card is to inform you that the PERMANANT marker that will FOREVER designate the FINAL resting place for Adrienne Nichelle Nelson is in place. PERMANANT, FOREVER, FINAL. Those words are like knives piercing the very core of my heart. I began to meditate on those words and I became further and further depressed. Then, I remembered the words of the Bible study, "'Never, ever determine the truth of a situation by looking at the circumstances' and 'The Holy Spirit takes the Word of God and reveals God's perspective on the circumstance.'" I had to ask myself, what is the Truth? Jesus said (John 14) I am the Way, the Truth, the Life. I had to go back to the Truth of God's Word about this situation. It says,

I Corinthians 15:51-58
"Behold, I tell you a mystery: We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed--in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal has put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: "Death is swallowed up in victory."

"O Death, where is your sting?
O Hades, where is your victory?"

The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord."

The Truth is that Adrienne's resting place is NOT permanant. It is NOT final. One day, her body is going to get up out of that grave. One day we will no longer be separated. One day, we will be together FOREVER!

My heart is still hurting, because I miss my little girl so much. Yes, I know that she was taller than I, but she will always be my little girl. But at least I have the comfort of knowing that this is only a temporary situation.

Pray for me.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Thursday, February 26, 2004 9:25 PM CST

HAVE YOU SEEN IT?

Have you seen The Passion yet? Alvin and I saw it today. I know I cried for the whole two hours. Yes, the level of violence was horrific, but do we really think that He was just shoved around a bit? The same people who complain about the violence in this film will spend money to see Freddie versus Jason and the SENSELESS violence that that film portrays. Today I had a discussion with the father of one of Brandice's fellow Girl Scouts about whether or not to take her to see it. I would never take Tre' and Charis, but I think Brandice should go. He died for her too, and she needs to know the awesome sacrifice that was made for her sin and mine. I don't want her to ever take it lightly.

There's one part of the movie that all of us bereaved parents could relate to. Mary has asked John to take her around the crowd another way so that she can get close to Him. As He comes into her view, He falls and she runs to Him to try and brace His fall or comfort Him. In her mind she sees Him falling as a little boy and remembers running to Him to try and brace His fall and comfort Him.

I couldn't help but think about all the times I reached out to catch Adrienne before she fell, all the medicine I gave her when she had croup, colds, and the flu, all the times I wiped her face and kissed a fevered brow. For all of that, there was nothing I could do to help her get better from that tumor. I put soft music on, I put washcloths on her forehead, but she was falling and I couldn't reach her. I couldn't pick her up and make it all better.

I know the helplessness that Mary felt when she realized that this MUST be. Jesus told John to be her son and for her to be his mother. I remember the first time that I saw Nekia and Nichole (Adrienne's twin friends) at church after her passing and they called me "Mom."

The movie begins with Jesus in the Garden. He prays, "Father, if it be your will, let this cup pass from me." How often I have prayed that prayer. "Lord, if there's another way for me to do your will without having to bear this cross of bereavement for my daughter." I would do ANYTHING to have Adrienne back with me. I would give up all that I own if it would bring her back; if I could watch my four beautiful children grow up around me. "Then Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.'" Matthew 16:24

MUST JESUS BEAR THE CROSS ALONE?

Must Jesus bear the cross alone,
And all the world go free?
No, there’s a cross for everyone,
And there’s a cross for me.

How happy are the saints above,
Who once went sorrowing here!
But now they taste unmingled love,
And joy without a tear.

The consecrated cross I’ll bear
Till death shall set me free;
And then go home my crown to wear,
For there’s a crown for me.

Upon the crystal pavement down
At Jesus’ piercèd feet,
Joyful I’ll cast my golden crown
And His dear Name repeat.

O precious cross! O glorious crown!
O resurrection day!
When Christ the Lord from Heav’n comes down
And bears my soul away.

"Nevertheless [LORD] not my will, but thine, be done.."

Go see the movie! Take an unsaved person with you!

Pray for Brandice, she competes in the Spelling Bee tomorrow morning.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Saturday, February 14, 2004 6:25 PM CST

Dear Adrienne,

Although Valentine's Day was never a really big deal in our house, I am really missing you today. We had two inches of snow this morning, and I ran to wake up Brandice, Tre', and Charis so they could see it. I wanted you to be here to see it too. I know they probably have snow in Heaven since the glory of all creation is there and you know that I hate snow anyway, but it's the not being able to share it with you that hurts the most.

The Lord says, "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted." I hear a lot of people asking for "a sign" from their loved ones. I don't believe the sign comes from those who've passed away, but that they are gifts from a loving, compassionate heavenly Father who cares when we are hurting. On Tre's birthday, we went to an amusement center and arcade. This is his second one without you here to celebrate with him. We were there with a support group for grieving children. When we were down on the floor, we heard "Shackles" playing above all the noise of the video games. I believe it was the Lord's gift to us to let us know you had not missed your brother's birthday.

Charis is continually making drawings and pictures to send to you in Heaven. She can't understand why I don't just put them in an envelope and take them to the post office with all my other mail. The other day, I told her that you would've loved the picture she'd drawn for you and you would have said, "Thank you, Boosey." When I said that Brandice cried.

I was irritated with the Lord the other day. We needed a sitter for our church Sweetheart Dinner. Brandice has stepped up to the plate in a lot of areas that you used to be responsible for, but she doesn't have a love for babysitting that you did. I was irritated because if you were still here, we would have the babysitter we needed, we would have at least some sort of children's ministry. There's such a large hole left by your absence. Of course, God is faithful and filled in the void with a sweet lady who's also a bereaved mom too. I know she was sent by the Lord.

Adrienne, I hope you know that we miss you more than words could ever express. We've picked up the pieces and have even found some joy again, but you will always be missing. Some days I can't really believe you're gone, still. Other days it seems like you were a dream. We're looking forward to our next Disneyworld vacation, and dreading it all at the same time. It will never be the same without you.

Happy St. Valentine's Day to our sweet, funny, kooky young lady. Although we cannot send you pictures and flowers through the mail, we can through the precious Holy Spirit send you all our love and anticipation of our reunion at the glorious appearing of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Love, your broken-hearted family,

Daddy, Mommy, Brandice, Tre' and Charis

Wednesday, February 11, 2004 3:02 PM CST

Happy birthday to our little man of the family, Tre'!

It is hard to believe that this is actually Tre' second birthday without Adrienne. He and Charis play games all the time pretending that Adrienne is here. Charis continually makes pictures for her in Awana Club and can't quite undestand why we can't send them to her. The other day she showed me a picture she had made for Adrienne and I told her that Adrienne could see her from Heaven (Hebrews 11:39 through 12:1), and that if she could talk to her, she would say, "Thank you, Boosey." After I said that, Brandice broke down crying. Adrienne and Brandice call Charis "Boosey" because she's the caboose on the train of our children.

I remember the last time that Adrienne saw Charis. Her bed was lying flat, and Charis was looking at her through the square of the bedside rail. She spoke something so softly to her, I didn't hear. I hope that one day the Lord brings that back to Charis' memory.

Tonight will be a special treat for them. They get to join the bereaved children support group they just attended a couple of weeks ago at a family fun center. I'm happy for them, I hope they have a lot of fun.

Last night, Brandice and I attended a rape-defense class. It was way too real for me. He kept demonstrating how easy it was for a man to just grab a woman and carry her off without any ability to resist. My nerves were so wrought when it was over that I almost couldn't keep my dinner down. I understand the necessity of the class, given what happened to that little girl that was killed last week (by the way, when Brandice told me they'd found her body, I cried like she was a close relative). Brandice will go when they start the next session. I cannot attend with her. I don't think I'll even be able to watch. He literally grabbed my neck and put a forceful hold on it. My neck hurt for hours afterward. When I told Alvin about it, I started crying. There are some things that I'm just not ready for emotionally. If you have broken your leg, you don't go out dancing on it as soon as you get the cast off. Some things take a long time to heal. I couldn't sleep until 4 a.m. after that.

Please continue to pray for our healing. I was out at the cemetary the other day. It may not be obvious on the outside, but to us it is obvious that we still have a long way to go before we are fully healed.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Wednesday, February 4, 2004 4:09 PM CST

If you haven't read the guestbook, Brandice wrote another entry. It breaks my heart to have my "matched set" broken up. For eleven years it was "Adrienne and Brandice, this" or "Adrienne and Brandice, that." My first fews hours as a bereaved mom were spent saying "my girls, my girls!" Although I know it was only Adrienne that died, the team died too. Just as no one can imagine Sigfried without Roy, I could never have imagined Brandice without Adrienne.

Finally, after a year of seeking, I have found a grief support group for children. Alvin and I have been helped tremendously by The Compassionate Friends. I've almost felt guilty that my grief was progressing, but Brandice, Tre' and Charis remained the same. They will be attending (at least once per month, though it is offered twice per month) a group called For the Love of Christy. I am researching another group that has children attend who are specifically the siblings of cancer victims.

Our church has just started a study called Experiencing God. Just in the first or second day I can hear the Lord speaking to me. Some things are directly related to my bereavement. Often when I attend group meetings for bereaved parents, I often encounter the question, "Why did God do this to me?" or "Why did God allow this to happen?" I had recently been reading the book The Purpose Driven Life. The very first words in that book are "It's not about you." I've been meditating on that lately. Experiencing God says that we get the wrong answers because we ask the wrong questions. The question those who are seeking God often ask is "What is God's will for my life?" The real question is "What is God's will?" I am not the center of the universe.

The most offensive thing to a bereaved person is the continuance of life around them when their loved one is not here to continue their life. How can the sun continue to rise every day without my Adrienne here? How can people celebrate birthdays and anniversaries and be HAPPY when my whole world has come crashing to the ground? But that's just it, it's MY world that has been shaken, not God's world.

Adrienne has not ceased to exist. Her death was no surprise to God. She is in the presence of the Lord, and the Scripture on her grave says: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on."' "Yes," says the Spirit, "that they may rest from their labors, and their works follow them." Rev. 14:13 Though Adrienne, herself, is not doing any more work PHYSICALLY in the earth, she is still working spiritually. She is working in the lives that she made an impact on while she was here. She is working in the lives of people who are touched by her testimony.

Let me put it this way. My mother used to go to an office to work. She would get up in morning and get in her car and drive downtown to work. She had to drive in the snow and through the rain. Now she works from home. She's still working, but she no longer has the opposition and resistence of the weather to contend with. That's how Adrienne is working. She's been moved back to the "home office," but she is still working.

That revelation has changed the way I pray. I have always listed my prayers in the order of the six priority areas I learned about years ago in a study called Creative Counterpart by Linda Dillow. They are:
1. God
2. Husband
3. Children
4. Home
5. Self
6. Outside the home

When I got to my children, I always prayed for Adrienne first, then Brandice and so on. Theologically speaking, I don't believe the dead need our prayers, so my prayers have felt incomplete without praying for Adrienne. But with the revelation, to me that I need to ask the question "What is God's will?" instead of "What is God's will for my life?" my prayers have begun to include Adrienne. I pray that every life that was influenced by Adrienne's life will continue on steadfast in the faith. I pray for Adrienne's closest friends: Nekia, Nichole, Myilette, and Shaney. I pray that any emotional decision they may have made to follow God more closely because of the suddenness of her passing will be followed by a spiritual commitment mixed with faith. I pray for friends and family members who said that Adrienne's homegoing service made an impact on their lives. I pray that they don't forget and go back to life as usual. I pray for the audience of people who will see Adrienne's memorial video one day, especially in Africa. Adrienne told me repeatedly that she had to go to Africa to tell the people about Jesus. I believe that's how she will do it. I have discovered that I still have a lot to pray for when praying for Adrienne.

Just recently, Alvin and I met with another pastor and wife whose daughter, named Tiffany, passed away of a brain tumor. For them it has been almost 7 years. In her memory, they have started an orphanage in Turkey called "Tiffany's House." Every Christmas, their church sends offerings and gifts to the orphanage in Tiffany's honor.

Boy did that start the wheels of my brain going. We have videos of Adrienne standing on a chair, singing to a roomfull of orphans in the Czech Republic when she was only 3 years old. Our contact over there had a vision of starting a Christian orphanage because all the orphanages in the Czech Republic were run by the state. Hmmm, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Recently, we were invited by a pastor to come to South Africa. The wife of that pastor has a vision of starting an orphanage for children with AIDS. Hmmm, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Can you imagine having Christian orphanages in different parts of the world raising up an army of children who will serve Christ?

Here is another thought that's been floating around in my head. I miss Adrienne more than human words could ever express. If I left for Heaven tomorrow, wouldn't I miss Alvin, Brandice, Tre' and Charis? My Uncle Dane went to Heaven in 1991. My grandmother missed him so much. She still had three living children, but it did not stop her from missing Dane. Now that she's in Heaven, does she miss them like she missed Dane? I think so. I think that's why whenever a believer has a near-death experience, they always mention saved family members meeting them in Heaven. Their loved ones are the first ones they see. Of course I miss all of my loved ones who've gone to Heaven already. I'm coming to grips with the thought that I will NEVER feel complete until we are ALL in Heaven together. I would never be complete there without Alvin. We would never be complete without our parents and our children. They would never be complete without their spouses and children. I don't think any of us will be complete until the Rapture. That will be the first time when we are ALL together. That's just my little food for thought.

Of course, I always have to conclude with the lyrics of a song that has been ministering to me. This song is from one of the last CDs that Adrienne listened to with both Alvin and me. It is from Clint Brown's One Nation Under Praise:

It Was You

It was You holding me
When my world started turning
I couldn't see through the storm and the rain
Through the tears that I cry,
All through the pain

Two hands led me through
And when I opened my eyes
To my surprise
I never knew it was You

I wish you could hear the song. It is so beautiful. Here's a link if you want to order it: http://www.worshipmusic.com/7718504022.html

Blessings,

Nichelle

NEW PHOTO OF BRANDICE!!!!!!!!

Saturday, January 24, 2004 6:51 PM CST

Whew! We finally got through one year without our precious, kooky, crazy, sweet, dependable Adrienne. It was extremely hard, unconscionably, impossibly hard.

If it had not been for the Lord on my side
Tell me, where would I be, where would I be?

He kept my enemies away (fear, doubt, despair, suicide, mental instability)
He let the sun shine through a cloudy day (real friends, cards, letters, phone calls, gifts)
He rocked me in the cradle of His arms (literally, late in the midnight hour when the house is quiet and all you want to do is scream)
When He knew I had been battered and scorned (by people who either did not know what to say and couldn’t or wouldn’t make the effort to study and find out, by those who thought we must have sinned to have God angry enough with us to take our daughter, by those who thought we were out for the count and not coming back)

So, If it had not been for the Lord on my side
Tell me, where would I be, where would I be?

I have to say, that for me, the two hardest days for me were New Year’s Eve, and January 14th. New Year’s Eve was hard because I did NOT want to enter a new year on this earth in which my baby was not here. The closer I got to midnight, the angrier I got. January 14th was harder for me than the day she actually died, because it marked a year from the last time we talked together. It was the last time I heard her voice. I was an only child until I was nine. I was also a latch-key kid so I spent a lot of time in our house alone at the end of the day. I guess that developed in me a need for quiet, especially late in the afternoon. For some reason, that was the time that my children seemed to want to tune up. It would get so noisy in here with Adrienne teasing Brandice about something, her yelling at Adrienne to stop, Tre’ making his “boy noises” (imitating the washing machine, the dryer buzzer, the music on the commercials), and Charis crying or whining about SOMETHING. With Adrienne’s voice missing, I feel as though I’ve lost part of my hearing. Brandice is still yelling (at Tre’ and Charis now instead of Adrienne), Tre’ is still making “boy noises” and Charis has learned to “cry aloud and spare not” if she doesn’t get her way, but all of that is still too quiet without Adrienne’s cackling laughter added to the mix.

When I was a little girl, I used to pretend I had a husband and four children. In my bed at night I’d pretend we were all in a life boat, and I was taking care of everyone, making sure they didn’t fall out of the boat, humming them lullabies, and holding them close. Even when Adrienne got as tall as me, all six of us would pile up in our bed and watch our favorite television show Star Trek: Voyager. Something will ALWAYS be missing. I will never be complete again. I think that the Lord sometimes allows situations to come into your life to make you long for Heaven. If we had everything we asked for here (wonderful job with great co-workers, beautifully decorated home full of peace, all the bills paid, everyone treating you right, all your family members saved and living for the Lord, no one sick, no one hungry or hurting, no one sad or lonely) then what would we need Heaven for? We would be content here with no need for a closer fellowship with the Lord.

There is a hymn that says:

Refrain
Draw me nearer, nearer blessed Lord,
To the cross where Thou hast died.
Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer blessed Lord,
To Thy precious, bleeding side.

Verse 1
I am Thine, O Lord, I have heard Thy voice,
And it told Thy love to me;
But I long to rise in the arms of faith
And be closer drawn to Thee.

Verse 4
There are depths of love that I cannot know
Till I cross the narrow sea;
There are heights of joy that I may not reach
Till I rest in peace with Thee.

Verse 4 says it all for me. There are things that I cannot comprehend about God's love for me that I will never be able to pray enough or study enough to fully understand here. The Bible says that in His presence there is "joy unspeakable, and full of glory." As anointed as our earthly church services can be at times, they will never be able to touch the glory of praising God without anyone looking at their watch, without worrying about whether we have enough money to go out to eat after church, without having to deal with Monday morning traffic and all the devils that we must deal with on a daily basis. I envy Adrienne! I want to worship God and STAY in His presence. If Adrienne were still here, I probably would not long for Heaven as I do.

We just finished our 3rd church anniversary celebration for Rejoice! Christian Ministries. I received a divine word last weekend! Our friend in the ministry, Pastor Kevin Johnson spoke about our path to Heaven. I will confess, that there are times that I am angry at the Lord for taking our baby out of here. Sometimes I get what my mother used to call an "attitude" with God. I tell Him, "Fine, if I have to be here without her, then I'll just do my work here as fast as I can so I can go and be with her." Pastor Johnson said that mature people walk, only children run. The Lord let me see my immaturity in wanting to get to Heaven as fast as I can. When I am reunited with my precious loved ones, Grandma Matthews, Uncle Dane, Mama and Daddy Douglas, MeMamma, Mama Dear, Myangele, Adrienne and others, my friends that have gone on before me like Vlasta, Dawnvilene, and Charmaine, I will be with them FOREVER; so, it doesn't matter how fast I get there, it won't lessen the time of our reunion.

One more song!

When all God's children get together
What a time! What a time! What a time!
When all God's children get together
What a time, time, time! What a time!

I want to say a public "Praise God" for The Compassionate Friends. They have helped my family tremendously this year. This week, I am taking Brandice and Tre' to a grief support group sponsored by an organization called "For the Love of Christy." Please pray that this will be a blessing to my children.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Sunday, January 11, 2004 10:38 PM CST

Today is one year from the date that we received the most devastating news of our lives, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but Adrienne does have a brain tumor." My tall beautiful dancing girl had a tumor. The first person I wanted to talk to was my mother. She started crying and then I started crying. Adrienne took the phone and told her grandmother and me not to cry. One day, I was crying and realizing that I wasn't keeping my word to her. Then I got mad. What right did she have to tell me not to cry? She was never a mother. She has no idea how much this hurts!

I'm thankful for all who remembered and called us up to see how we're doing. The only thing I can tell you is that I'm tired; very tired. I wasn't tired in church this morning, but when I came home, I slept for three hours.

We are throwing ourselves into our 3rd church anniversary. I'm singing on Thursday night which is Adrienne's Heavenly birthday. My friend Denise asked me how I was going to be able to sing. I told her, I'm a different person in the anointing.

Adrienne was a different person in the anointing too. When she got up to dance, she wasn't the silly little girl that would never sweep the floor when it was her turn to clean the kitchen. Today, my husband preached about being filled with the Spirit. I imagine that Heaven is like being filled with the Spirit and never being emptied. As long as we're in the flesh, we have to pour into the lives of others and share the Spirit with those who are dry. David said, "I will bless the Lord at ALL times, His praise shall continually be in my mouth." Another Psalm says, "One thing have I desired of the Lord and that will I seek after, that I may dwell in the house of the Lord ALL the days of my life; to behold the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His temple." To be filled with His Spirit constantly must be an awesome thing.

VERSE 1
Like the woman at the well, I was sinking
For thing that would not satisfy;
And then I heard my Savior speaking
Draw from my well that never shall run dry.

CHORUS
Fill my cup, Lord
I lift it up Lord
Come and quench this thirsting of my soul.
Bread of Heaven
Feed me till I want no more.
Fill my cup
Fill it up and make me whole.

VERSE 2
There are millions in this world who are craving
The pleasures earthly things afford;
But none can match the wondrous treasure
That I find in Jesus Christ my Lord

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3
So my brother if the things this world gave you
Leave hunger that won't pass away;
My blessed Lord will come and save you
If you kneel to Him and humbly pray.

REPEAT CHORUS

TAG
Fill my cup,
I lift it up and make me whole

Blessings,

Nichelle

Friday, January 2, 2004 9:53 AM CST

I hate to sound like Scrooge, but I'm glad the holidays are over. It has been the most painful time to me since Adrienne's passing. I mechanically respond to greetings of "Merry Christmas", "Happy New Year", but my heart is not in them. My Christmas was not merry. I can't imagine it ever being merry again. When I was little I used to sing a song called All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth because I didn't have front teeth for almost three years. All I want for Christmas now is my daughter.

I was not happy entering a new year without her. In a Compassionate Friends newsletter, a recently bereaved mother wrote a letter to her daughter. A quote from that letter says,
"We'll never have a hug, except from a cold hard picture frame. And now it is time for a new year to emerge on the calendar. I don't want to move into another year. I don't want to be that much further away from the time we were all together. Maybe if we could stop time just for a bit, we could figure out how to back time up. Oh that we could - just for a little while. What if there is a way, and we just don't know how to do it? Too many what ifs. All I want is to have you back. But I can't."

I miss my grandmother too. I want so bad to pick up the phone and talk to her.

This morning I read Genesis 37 in my devotional. I can SO relate to these scriptures:
Then Jacob tore his clothes, put sackcloth on his waist, and mourned for his son many days. And all his sons and all his daughters arose to comfort him; but he refused to be comforted, and he said, "For I shall go down into the grave to my son in mourning." Thus his father wept for him. Verses 34, 35

Every time we're listening to the jazz station and Bill Withers comes on and sings, "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone" I want to cry.

Last night I was reading from Mourning to Morning by Harry and Chery Salem. Yes, I've finally been able to read it without crying. We have so many similarities. They even got the diagnosis of their daughter's brain tumor on the same day we did, January 11th. In the book, they talk about how their daughter, Gabrielle, seemed to know her purpose. She was only six but she would get upset if the monitors were not loud enough because she didn't want to sing off key or lose her place within a song. The last time she sang before a congregation, she had be sick and her father asked her if she didn't want to sit this one out. She pointed her finger at her dad and said, "No! This is what we do." I often have to drive by the last church that Adrienne danced at. She was SO worried that she was running late that she hardly spoke to me all the way there. The church is only a few hundred feet away from the funeral home. Every time I drive down that street her life and her death hit me in the face. I remember asking Ruth Ann if Adrienne showed any physical signs of an inability to perform correctly. She emphatically replied, "No, If I said 'Adrienne do this' Adrienne did it. She danced just a consistently as she always had."

To be perfectly honest, I would like nothing better than to sit in my room and do nothing until it's my turn to go. But I can't. There's a voice that whispers deep in my spirit that it's not over until it's over. Jesus Christ is victorious even over death. Even when I don't want to be encouraged I am. When I don't want to praise the Lord, I do. When I want to give up, I can't. David says in Psalm 27, "I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!"

I love the Lord
He heard my cry
And pitied every groan
Long as I live
While troubles rise
I'll hasten to His throne

Pray for me.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Saturday, December 27, 2003 1:29 PM CST

Okay, I've waited a while to write. I'm sorry it has taken me so long, but it was just too painful. I miss my Adrienne SO much.

Let me tell you a story...

In October 1989, Alvin and I went to Ramstein, Germany to sing in a workshop with Richard Smallwood. My fellow church members were trying to talk me out of going because of my advanced pregnancy with Adrienne, but I refused. This was before ultrasound would tell you the gender of your child and we were believing by faith that we were having a girl. We had chosen the name Adrienne for our firstborn daughter long before we were married.

So, for the workshop, we flew into Rhein Main (our future duty station) and caught a bus to Ramstein. We had an awesome time singing and praising the Lord with Richard Smallwood. While there, we met the director for the Rhein Main Gospel Choir. Her name was ADRIENNE Hunt.

When the workshop was over, we had to head back to Rhein Main and try to get accommodations for the night because our plane was leaving early the next morning. When we arrived at the Rhein Main Hotel, the lobby was teeming with people needing a room. Needless to say, there was no room for us.

We crossed the street and walked around in the BX. The only person we knew stationed on that base was the choir director we'd met. There was no German phonebook we could use to look her up. We decided we would just start asking people if they attended the gospel service on base. Finally, we found someone who attended the service and discovered that she knew Adrienne Hunt. Guess what her name was? ADRIENNE Crowley. It just so happened that she had Adrienne Hunt's phone number in her purse. We called her and she came and got us and let us sleep on an airmatress in her living room and then took us to the airport at 5 a.m.

Several weeks later, after finding "no room at the inn" I gave birth to Adrienne on December 25, Christmas Day.

I know you probably think this story is corny, but it is true, and I actually won a writing contest with it once.

My aunt has been asking me if I watched a video that she sent me with Adrienne on it. I couldn't bring myself to watch it, but I did on her birthday. It made me SO happy. You see, I have lots of videos of Adrienne ministering in dance. We have plenty of videos of her in the anointing, but we had no videos of her talking and more importantly, none of her just being Adrienne. In this video, she's "clowning" as her daddy would say. Her voice, her goofy smile, her drama, are all demonstrated in this video. I couldn't wait to show it to Tre' and Charis. I want them to remember what Adrienne was like at home.

Once again, I make this appeal to all my military friends. Have mercy on an aching mother's heart, if you have videos or photos of church functions and your children's birthday parties with Adrienne and Brandice in them. Please send them to me. It would certaily be a comfort to me.

Let me tell you about something else that happened. Brandice was attending a Bible study in Round Rock with a family that has a house church of about 45-50 people. While the girls were studying we moms would share prayer requests. Everyone there knew our grief issues. Last Thursday at 9 p.m. our doorbell rang. Pastor Clay and DeeDee Harris brought their whole church, a turkey and a fruit basket to sing Christmas carols to us because they knew this was going to be a difficult Christmas for us. We were overwhelmed by their demonstration of Christ's love.

Happy belated birthday to our baby girl, Charis!
Happy birthday Pop-pop Parham!

Happy Bat Mitzvah Day to Adrienne's sisters in Christ, Nekia and Nicole Tharps and Myilette Thompson. A year ago they, along with Adrienne, dedicated their teenage years to the Lord. We love you, girls!

Blessings,

Nichelle

Monday, December 8, 2003 10:15 PM CST

A year ago this week, Adrienne and I were roller skating together at a birthday party. We fell down together and helped eachother get up. We laughed about it for the next couple of days while showing off our bruises. How could I have possibly thought that six weeks later we would be choosing a coffin for her? It all happened so quickly. I still wake up hoping it was all a bad dream. She'll come bounding into our room with her "scary" morning hair and fall on our bed.

I keep remembering our last hug. She said, "I love you, Mommy. Thank you for taking care of me." Did she know she was saying goodbye? I'm glad that our last words were good words. There were days when she and I both had PMS raging and we got on eachother's nerves, but I'm thankful that those times were few but good times were many.

I find myself glued to the TV watching the 25 days of Christmas -- for her. We're watching a TLC program about Ancient Egypt in the evenings too. We studied that when Adrienne was in 1st grade. I watch that too -- for her.

Today, Tre' said it was too bad that Adrienne wasn't going to be here for Christmas because she wasn't going to get any presents. I told him that Adrienne has Heaven and that is better than any gift that anyone could receive here. But I know that in my heart, I'm disappointed that I can't shop for her as well. Last year I was so excited to buy her first "beauty" kit, and her first pair of high-heeled shoes. I use them now, I wear her shoes now (yes her feet were bigger than mine!).

Back in June, my friend Denise called me to tell me about a program she'd seen on TBN about a couple in the ministry who'd lost their daughter to a brain tumor three years ago. She said I really needed to get a hold of the book they'd written. I was kind of busy doing something when she called so I wrote the website down and forgot about it. About three weeks later, our friend Helen who's stationed in Spain sent us a beautiful painting of Adrienne. It's HUGE and it is SO beautiful. She had a Spanish artist do it.

On the same day, I received a phone call from a friend in England named Sandro. I thought it was some "coincidence" that we would have two contacts from Europe on the same day -- the painting and the phone call. Sandro was calling to tell me that he had just finished watching TBN and the Spirit of the Lord told him to call me. He proceeded to tell me about the SAME program that Denise had watched. When he told me to write down the website of this couple, I KNEW the Lord was speaking through him. I obediently wrote it down. The next day I sat at the computer and typed a letter to the Salems and told them I couldn't believe how adament the Lord seemed to be about me having their book. They immediately rushed a copy of the book to me. It's called From Mourning to Morning (www.salemfamilyministries.org). That book has sat on my night table for almost five months without me picking it up. Denise kept asking me, "Have you read the book yet?" and I'd answer, "NO, I'm scared to read it! GOD SENT IT!"

Well, Denise came for Thanksgiving weekend and read the first five chapters while she was here. She is also a bereaved mom. She "spoon-fed" me many of the sections in it. She kept showing me places where they had said the same things that I had said to her about grief/separation anxiety and worship.

The other day, I decided that I would try to read the book. I washed my hair and sat under the dryer with the book. I opened the first page and read the dedication. I burst into tears. I read the acknowledgements. I turned my head into the sound of the dryer to muffle the sound of my crying. I read the first page of the introduction and gave up. I was crying so hard I couldn't see the words anymore. So much for reading the book. I know that I must read it. I know that there is healing in it for why else would the Lord go through so much trouble to get it to me? Pray for my strength to read the book!

Here is a list of books I HAVE been able to read that I would recommend to other bereaved parents:

Gone but Not Lost: Grieving the Death of a Child
by David W. Wiersbe

We Saw Heaven
by Roberts Liardon

Roses in December: Finding Strength Within Grief
by Marilyn Willett Heavilin

Grace for Grief
by Michael Pink, Brenda Pink

A "Must-See" Video
Heaven: Close Encounters of the God Kind
by Jesse Duplantis (see www.jdm.org). There is a book by the same title, but I have not read it yet.

So far, we haven't had the strength to put up Christmas lights or nativities. I don't know if we will this year or not. Charis' birthday is on the 20th. This is going to be very, very hard.

Pray for us.

Blessings,

Nichelle

A Note From Nichelle's Mom

I have literally pushed myself through 2003 pretending that January 15, or January 20, 2003 did not happen. I too have awaken each morning, thinking
that I had a bad dream and all of the events and our family losses did not happen. When my daughter (Nichelle) called me on January 11, 2003 and told
me they were on there way to the hospital, I said, "Don't let the hospital staff give you the run a round, "demand" that Adrienne be thoroughly checked
out!" Ecclesiastes 3:7, " A time to tear and a time to mend, and time to be silent and a time to speak. I often use a "time to speak" more frequently
than my family would like. (smile) But, nevertheless it has to be done. My Daughter called me the evening of January 11, 2003 to tell me about the
MRI findings of a tumor. We were silent for a while because of the news being so overwhelming, and then we both started crying. While Nichelle and I
were crying, Adrienne pick up the phone and said, "Grandma don't cry"! I said ok, But that is one promise that I have not kept. I tried to pull myself
together for her sake because I did not want to scare her. I hope and pray that I am as brave as Adrienne when the Lord comes for me, and that He
finds me praising, and dancing to Him like she was. What a home going! I had sent Adrienne some flowers with a teddy bear around the vase 1/10/03
when I found out that she was still sick. I have the teddy bear on my fireplace mantle along with her picture. After the festivities of 12/28/02 Adrienne
was not feeling well, and neither was I. I had strep-throat, and I thought that Adrienne had pick up a virus too. Adrienne went upstairs so we did not say
good bye then. So, on 1/10/03, Nichelle called because Adrienne said she forgot to tell Grandma good-bye!

Job 14:1 "Man born of woman is of few days and full of trouble. Even though we believe God's Word, yet we waste so much time on things that are
meaningless. Ecclessiates 11:8 However many years a man/woman may live, let him enjoy them all. So, I turned on my Christmas music, took out ALL
of my decorations, set my Chistmas table like I did last year, even though we were in Texas. I am going to try to dance like Adrienne did! I hope I don't
break anything or myself! (smile) I thank God for His Son Jesus, Mary's 1st born Son that we are celebrating 12/25/03, and I thank God for giving me
my 1st born Grandaughter, Adrienne on 12/25/89! Praise God from whom ALL BLESSINGS flow! Merry Christmas to all!

Cheryl Clark (Nichelle's Mother) Nelson Children's Maternal Grandmother
Colorado Springs, CO USA

Tuesday, December 2, 2003 11:35 PM CST

Thanksgiving was wonderful! It is so therapeutic for us to be surrounded by people and to practice hospitality.

Brandice made a comment, on the last day of November, that she wished we could just skip December and January. Those always seem to be the hardest months of the year for us. Already, Brandice's newest hamster died unexpectedly yesterday, and the car is beginning to cost us money -- again. And it's only the 2nd day of December.

Is it possible that only a year ago Adrienne and I were roller skating together at a birthday party? How could I have possibly imagined that six weeks later I would be burying my firstborn child?

Adrienne was a TV addict. She looked forward every year to the 25 days of Christmas on the Family Channel. Last year, Alvin and I were gone from the house for a long time and when we arrived back at the house around 10 p.m., we discovered that she had not given Tre' and Charis their dinner. I punished her by not allowing her to watch the 25 days of Christmas. I know that as her parent, it was my responsibility to discipline her when she did wrong, but if there was any way possible that she could return to me, I would let her watch the 25 days of Christmas 24 hours a day.

Living without her is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in all my life. There's not a moment that goes by that I don't miss her. In some ways I think of her passing like Moses looking over into the promised land. All the work that went into "raising" the children of Israel after they left Egypt and then never getting to actually place his foot on the land that he (and the Lord) brought them to.

Adrienne left here right at the edge of young womanhood. I wouldn't be truthful if I didn't say that sometimes I feel robbed.

But, by faith, I just continue walking toward the promise. Daily, I pray for strength to go just one more day's journey. I resist the temptation to pull the covers up over my head and cease living (I can't tell you that I won't give in to that temptation just on her birthday). I have to keep going, if not for myself, then for my family.

Philippians 3:14 AMP "I press on toward the goal to win the [supreme and heavenly] prize to which God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Tuesday, November 25, 2003 12:16 AM CST

Today, Alvin and I lost another baby of ours. Our beloved dog, Cotton, died this morning. We've had Cotton since she was six weeks old. She would have turned 15 years old on January 29th. She's lived with us in every country that we lived in oversease. I have often looked at her out the window this year and said that I had my Cotton longer than I had my Adrienne. I don't know how many times one heart can break, but it's a wonder that I have any heart left at all.

Cotton is survived by her only offspring -- Jazz. When we first moved to Okinawa, Cotton was 7 years old. Until that time, she'd always been an indoor dog. Adrienne (little woman of faith that she was) began to pray that Cotton would have a puppy that she and Brandice could play with. After the prayer was over, I, very logically, explained to her that Cotton was getting up there in age, and it was not likely that she would ever have puppies.

A couple of years later, when Adrienne was 8 years old, we came outside to find another dog in the yard. Adrienne said, "their tails are stuck together". I dropped Brandice off at an activity, and on our way to Alvin's job, I explained that their tales were NOT stuck together and proceeded to tell her about the "birds and the bees." Her first response was "ooh, that's GROSS!" Then she sat there quietly for a moment and finally she said, "That's why President Clinton is in trouble, isn't it?" My girl could be so perceptive when she wanted to be.

So now I have to continue living without both of them. There's a song that says, "Break my heart, Lord, 'til it longs for none but Thee." For those who have not ceased to remember to pray, please pray extra hard.

Happy Birthday to Alvin, and my mother-in-law -- GranGran!

Blessings,

Nichelle

Monday, November 10, 2003 10:32 PM CST

Grief is a booger.

It sneaks up on you when you're least expecting it. It hangs around far longer than you'd like it.

Sunday morning, we were almost out the door headed to church. I had noticed the day before that Brandice's jacket was fitting her a little too snugly. Adrienne had an identical but larger jacket hanging up in my closet. I ran upstairs to get it. I wasn't halfway down the hallway when it hit me. I was carrying the jacket in my arms much the same way I had the day I left the hospital after they told me my Adrienne was gone.

I started to proceed down the stairs but instead turned and ran for the kids' bathroom. I spent a couple of minutes trying to stop crying. I made a plan. I was going to go down the stairs, lay the jacket on the chair for Brandice, pick up my coat and go and get in the car. That was my plan. When I got down the stairs, all my plans were thwarted. Brandice was joking around wearing my coat.

I got in the car and tried to hold back the tears. I couldn't enter the church with tears streaming down my face, could I? I told myself to "get it together". I tried to "compose" myself. The more I tried to stop, the more my stomach felt like someone was twisting it into knots. Fortunately, we were running a minute or two behind and Sis. Yoko had already opened up in prayer. Before the first verse of the first song was done, the tears were flowing again. This time I didn't try to stop them.

At the front of the church was a shadow box of medals. Bro. Ed had brought them to church. His dad passed away last week and he had come prepared to share the testimony of his father's incredible death-bed conversion. All through Bro. Ed's testimony I continued to allow the tears to flow freely. I'm glad I did. The scripture instructs us to weep with those who weep. In a way, I was also returning a favor.

On January 15th when we arrived home from the hospital, I got out of the car and stepped up onto my front porch cradling Adrienne's jacket in my arms. The first person I met on my front porch was Bro. Ed. He's much taller than I. He hugged my head and as he hugged me he wept and wept and wept. I don't remember much about that day, but I remember wondering how he'd known about Adrienne.

I learned a valuable lesson. When grief comes, I MUST let it out. When I try to hold it in, it causes much pain.

This coming Sunday, Alvin and I will be sharing our testimony over the radio during our broadcast time. Please pray that it will minister to many and cause people to seek out our church as a place of healing. Also, please pray for the vision God has given me to start conferences for Bereaved Mothers. It's still a long way off, but the groundwork needs to be laid through prayer.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Thursday, October 30, 2003 9:56 PM CST

Deuteronomy 18:9-14

"When you come into the land which the LORD your God is giving you, you shall not learn to follow the abominations of those nations. There shall not be found among you anyone who makes his son or his daughter pass through the fire, or one who practices witchcraft, or a soothsayer, or one who interprets omens, or a sorcerer, or one who conjures spells, or a medium, or a spiritist, or one who calls up the dead. For all who do these things are an abomination to the LORD, and because of these abominations the LORD your God drives them out from before you. You shall be blameless before the LORD your God. For these nations which you will dispossess listened to soothsayers and diviners; but as for you, the LORD your God has not appointed such for you.

Every Halloween my heart breaks for children who are taught about, enticed with, and drawn to darkness and never taught about Jesus, the Light of the world. A whole generation of children is being exposed to witchcraft and sorcery through Harry Potter and no one even flinches. It's "controversial" to even discuss it in Christian circles. Why something would be controversial that is CLEARLY outlined in the Scriptures as wrong is beyond me. God's Word is either truth or it is not.

Now, my heart also breaks for others who are bereaved who are so despirate to reach out and touch their loved one that they're willing to blatantly disobey the Word of God to seek out mediums such as Jonathan Edwards to see if he can "place a call" to their dearly departed. Ephesians 5:11 in the Amplified version reads: "Take no part in and have no fellowship with the fruitless deeds and enterprises of darkness, but instead [let your lives be so in contrast as to] expose and reprove and convict them."

I want everyone that I know to know the truth about what has happened to our children who have fallen asleep in Christ. The Bible says that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. Everyone always wants to agree that we have been given guardian angels. There are all kinds of books and TV shows about angels. The apostle Paul says of angels: Are they not all ministering spirits, sent forth to minister for them who shall be heirs of salvation? (Hebrews 1:14) We've been given the Holy Spirit to seal the promise. Mediums and spiritists who have just as wholeheartedly given themselves over to the god they serve, have been given access to FAMILIAR SPIRITS. A humorous, yet thought-provoking, book that illustrates this is The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. Familiar spirits are just that -- familiar with you. They know your idiosyncrasies, habits, family, friends. They know everything about you. When a medium "conjures up" the dead, they're just tapping into that spirit and giving you enough information to suck you into their trap.

One day, I was in a waiting room where Jonathan Edwards was on TV. I watched some of the things he was telling the people. "Someone over in this area of the room has an uncle who's name is something like Charlie, or Carl." He then tells little details about their lives: nicknames, pranks, favorite colors or food. Do you ever once here him say anything about the person's faith, or church, or Jesus? No, because it's all apart of the master plan to make you so at ease with the afterlife that there is no need to prepare for it. You'll just go to wherever Aunt Bessie or Uncle Charlie are.

I find it interesting that the final words that the Lord had to say to summarize Saul, the first king of Israel's life was not that he was the first king, or that he had slain thousands of Philistines, or that he was tall and handsome. The Lord's epitaph of Saul was "So Saul died for his unfaithfulness which he had committed against the LORD, because he did not keep the word of the LORD, and also because he consulted a medium for guidance." (I Chronicles 10:13)

Why am I telling you all this? Just because it's Halloween? No. Early in my grief process, I shared that I feel closer to Adrienne when I'm in worship. That's true. When we worship the Lord in Spirit and in truth, we often say that we are "in the presence of the Lord." When we tell people about where our loved ones who have died now are, we say they are "in the presence of the Lord." While worship brings me closer to where she is, it does not necessarily bring me closer to her.

Another bereaved mother and I were saying that we have to keep in mind that we're going to Heaven to be with JESUS. The fact that our daughters are there is an added plus, but it was not our daughters that shed their blood so that we may gain entrance to the throne of God, it was Jesus who did that. Sometimes it's easy to get so caught up in grief that you can forget that and just focus on the reunion with your child.

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting at Adrienne's graveside worshipping the Lord. My heart was heavy and I began to long for her more and more. I had my eyes closed, and in my imagination I could see Adrienne there sitting beside me in her red dress worshipping with me. All of a sudden, I felt a hand reach for mine, and I jumped. I knew that the presence that I felt was NOT Adrienne and NOT from the Lord. I had allowed my longing for Adrienne to replace my longing for the Lord in worship to almost become an attempt to reach out for her spirit. The Bible says that we do not grieve as those who have no hope.

The first dream I had of Adrienne after she died was of her coming to me and saying very firmly, "I cannot come to where you are, and you and Brandice cannot come over to where I am." After I felt that familiar spirit (which is what it was) reach for my hand and I drew back, I immediately repented and renounced any desire for necromancy in my heart. I shared it with a Christian sister that I trust, and she told me that she'd just heard a message from a Christian widow on the same subject.

Our depression desire for our loved ones cannot become so desparate that we are willing to sin against God by trying to contact them. Instead, ask the Lord to fill the void with His presence and cling to His unfailing love.

Blessings -- and peace,

Nichelle

Friday, October 10, 2003 6:00 PM CDT

Today, I was thinking about how silly Adrienne was. She was always doing something that would make me laugh for hours.

Four years ago, we were living in an apartment while we were waiting for our house to be built. I was pregnant with Charis and was not in the mood to cook. Adrienne was almost 10 and had been cooking for about a year. I asked her to go into the kitchen and slice some smoked sausage to put in spaghetti sauce. My exact words were, "Adrienne, please go into the kitchen and slice the sausage and put them in a pan and brown them." About 10 minutes later, Adrienne came to me and said, "Mama, I did what you said, but the sausage isn't getting brown." The couch wasn't far from the kitchen so all I had to do was turn around and look at the counter. Adrienne had indeed sliced the sausage, but she had put them on a cookie sheet and put the cookie sheet on the countertop. There was no heat source so of course the sausages weren't getting brown!

Another time, when we were in Okinawa, I asked her to call one of the church members to ask for a ride to Sunday School the next day. She called and spoke with the babysitter. She asked the babysitter give Sis. Murphy tbe message that she needed a ride tomorrow and she hung up. I was shocked! I said, "Adrienne! How are they supposed to know WHO to pick up in the morning? You never told her who you were!!"

Last November, just a month before she got sick, I was having a mini-bazaar in my house. I am a Home & Garden Party Designer. I had other direct sales representatives there: Pampered Chef, Premier Jewelry, and others. I had asked Adrienne to make a Pumpkin Pie Dump Cake for my guests in my Home & Garden Party Bean Pot. The recipe calls for a can of evaporated milk, eggs, and a can of pumpkin pie mix. Everyone who knows me, knows that I HATE eggs. I tolerate them in recipes, but not if I can smell them or see them. Well, Adrienne added the ingredients to the Bean Pot, but she did not mix it completely. When I got ready to serve it, I reached in with the spoon and pulled out a hard-boiled egg! I almost got sick right there in front of all those people!

Charis jumps around now just like Adrienne used to as a very little girl. She always has her hands in the air. Alvin calls them her wings. Just like Adrienne, she has to get up and dance to every commercial. I used to say that Adrienne was like a cartoon character: she was fully animated.

Revelation 21:4
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."

When we all get to Heaven
What a day of rejoicing that will be!
When we all see Jesus,
We'll sing and shout the victory.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Dear Adrienne,

I miss your smile, your laugh and your silly ways. When we all get to Heaven, we're going to laugh our heads off! The scriptures say that there are fruit trees in Heaven. I know that you are enjoying that. Here on earth, if we ran out of fresh fruit you used to say you were going to get scurvy! I miss your craziness, girl. I listen to songs and choreograph them with you in my head. We'll have fun doing that in Heaven too.

Ahhhemm, oh, but when I get there, we're going to have a talk about how you left your room (smile).

Love, Mom
XOXOXO

NEW PHOTOS!!!!!!

Wednesday, October 1, 2003 12:17 AM CDT

They say memories are golden
Well maybe that is true
We never wanted memories
We only wanted you

A million times we needed you
A million times we cried
If love alone could have saved you
You never would have died

During your life we loved you dearly
In death we love you still
In our heart you hold a place
No one could ever fill

If tear's could build a stairway
And the heartache build a lane
We would walk the path to heaven
An bring you home again

Our family chain's have been broken
And nothing seem's the same
But as God call's us one by one
A chain will link us all again
(Author Unknown)

When Adrienne was born, we became a family. Something new was created. With each successive child, our family grew and changed and adjusted to the new size, the new lifestyle. We made accommodations for the new arrival. When our fourth child was born, seating arrangements had to be changed in the car. Furniture was moved to make room for the new bed. The closet had to be rearranged for clothes and diapers and shoes and other baby things. We changed the way we were seated to eat at the table. Everything moved to make room for the new person.

Now everything moves to fill in the gap. We don't sit in the same places in the car or at the table. Adrienne's clothes (the ones that Brandice can't wear) are moved into my closet -- a hanging memorial. The shelf that held her schoolbooks now holds something else. The weekly calendar that was once filled with taking her to dance practice is now filled with doing other activities. At least twice a week I drive by the church where her dance practice was held. I long to pull up in there and watch her get out of the car and see her turn and smile at me and say "bye Mom." Oh, how I long to see that smile again!

Nothing ever quite fills the void. We've gotten Brandice in all kinds of activities, but sometimes all they succeed in doing is making her tired. It will never be the same as having someone who remembers everything you remember, who knows all the people you know, and who can predict your every move. People used to ask me all the time if Adrienne and Brandice were twins. I thought they were crazy, because to me they didn't even look anything alike, and their personalities were like night and day. But, they were two sides of the same coin. I think Brandice has to go through a process where she has to learn who she is apart from being "Adrienne AND Brandice."

I try to keep busy myself. By the time it's time to go to bed, I'm ready for sleep. My mother sent me a wonderful devotional called Grace for Grief. It is a blessing to me because it forced me to stay in the Word and constantly remind myself of why we're Christians and what our hope in Christ is. How could I continue unless I believed that at the end, there would be a reunion. I don't think that the Lord would have Adrienne to be such an integral part of my life for so long -- to carry her in my womb, nurse her, teach her, bathe her, pray for her -- if that relationship was over at the point of death. My relationship with her extends beyond the grave. Death has not severed our soul-tie. We are still connected.

John 17:3-5
Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do. And now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began.

First of all, eternal life is based solely on having a relationship with Jesus Christ (that they may know you). It's not about attending church every Sunday or having your name on the membership roster. You must KNOW (to perceive, recognize, become acquainted with, and understand) Him.

Secondly, you must understand that the Lord has a purpose for your being here on this earth. Jesus prayed, "I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do." You were not put here just to suck up the oxygen. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome." There is nothing Alvin, Brandice, and I would like more than to leave this earth and go and be with Adrienne. That's not suicidal talk, that's what our body, soul, and spirit longs for -- to have our family whole again. But we understand that Adrienne fulfilled her calling here on this earth and that apparently ours is not done because we are all still here! As long as there is life in our body, we must be about our Father's business. The challenge is staying on course no matter what storms come up, no matter who tries to block our path, and no matter how discouraged we may become along the way. It is learning to master our emotions and submitting them to Christ. Yes, I'm depressed, but I don't allow my depression to keep me from serving the Lord. If I'm depressed on Sunday morning, I don't stay home and babysit it. I pick my depression up and take it right along to church with me. I set it down on the seat next to me and don't allow it to prevent me from raising my hands and singing in worship. It might be that at the right momement, the anointing will destroy the yoke of depression and I may leave the church without it. Eventually, it finds its way back to my door, but I have to treat it the same way every time until one day it loses the way to my house and leaves me alone.

Finally, Jesus said in verse 5, "And now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began. Jesus had relationship with the Father before He came to this earth, while He was on the earth, and after He returned to Heaven from earth. That gives me the hope that my relationship with Adrienne has not changed nor been cut off just because she's not here on the earth with me right now. I believe when Brandice gets to Heaven, she and her sister are going to sit and talk for hours upon hours and make up for all the time they lost. Alvin and Adrienne are going to run and play and wrestle with one another. Adrienne's going to show me all the new dance choreography she's learned since she got there. And instead of smiling and waiving goodbye to me like she did when going to dance practice, she'll be smiling and waving, "hello".

I must tell Jesus all of my troubles
I cannot bear these burdens alone.
In my distress He kindly will help me.
He ever loves and cares for His own.

By the way:

You can help build up the Rejoice! Christian Academy Homeschool's reference library and help advance your child's education as well!

You are invited to an Usborne Books e-Show to explore the world of Usborne Books. A child's interest in reading and learning is stimulated by the lavish illustrations and informative content. There are over 1000 bright, colorful and fun titles covering activities, puzzles and a wide range of subjects for children of all ages.

Usborne Books - the books kids love to read!

Hosted by: Nichelle Nelson

Place: http://www.ubah.com/HOS17909

When: Today thru 10/6/2003 11:59:00 PM

Chat Scheduled: 10/5/2003 10:00:00 PM - 10/5/2003 11:00:00 PM

Everyone is welcome, so invite a friend.

It's a rewarding experience when a child opens a book and discovers the magic of reading.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Saturday, September 20, 2003 10:37 PM CDT

First of all, let me say Happy Birthday to my grandmother, Mama Dear. Mama Dear left this world for Heaven the morning we buried our baby, Adrienne. She didn't even know that Adrienne had already gotten there.

I always thought that I would be with her in her last days. She almost died in January of 1999. Tre' and I flew from Okinawa to Osaka, Japan to LAX to Kansas. The flight from Osaka to LAX was the worst flight in my whole life. The whole time I prayed and pleaded with the Lord to let her have more time. He graciously granted our request. But in January of this year, I had no idea that she was going into the hospital for the last time. In 1996 both my mother and my grandmother went into the hospital at the same time. We prayed, they both came through. I thought that's what was going to happen this time. I thought they both were going to pull through.

I was blessed to be born with so many living grandmothers. When I was born, I had two living great-great grandmothers, four great grandmothers, and two grandmothers. They along with my mother, her sister, and Mama Dear's five sisters were like colorful yarn woven on a loom that shaped and molded who I am. But of all my grandmothers, Mama Dear was the one who had my heart. I spent every summer vacation with her until I was old enough to get a summer job. I couldn't wait until that plane landed and the first face I saw at the end of the long walkway was hers. We went to church together, to the mall, to the laundromat, to the grocery store, out visitin.' On Sunday we got up and went to church and came home and watched Lawrence Welk and Hee-Haw before it was time to go back to YPWW. Every visit had to include going to the top of Papa Gordon's closet and getting out the box of old photos. When I got old enough, before the summer was over, I'd straighten all her kitchen cabinets. At the end of the summer I had to say good-bye. I cried every time. When I grew up and got married and went overseas for the first time, it was her turn to cry. The night before I got on the plane to go to the Azores, I called her and she just cried and cried. It scared me to death. I thought I might never see her again.

I miss her so much. It was at least three months after Adrienne's passing that I realized that Mama Dear was gone too. I went to open a drawer and I saw her program. It was like the first time I'd ever seen it. "When did this happen? Why didn't anybody tell me?"

Sometimes I stare at Adrienne's picture and ask out loud, "How can you be gone?" On Friday I signed Tre' up for AWANA Club. He's actually wearing one of his sister's vests (I don't remember who's). While I was registering him I told the lady at the counter about Adrienne. She said, "I'm getting goosebumps. I also homeschooled my children and my daughter died of a brain tumor when she was 10 1/2 years old. She would be 25 years old now." I've been thinking about her since Friday. She's lived 15 years without her daughter. I know that supposedly we will heal in time, but it's hard to imagine living for so long with this pain. There are days, many days, when I just don't know how I'm going to survive another minute with this pain in my heart.

Hebrews 12

The Race of Faith

Renew Your Spiritual Life
1 Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

The Discipline of God
3 For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls. 4You have not yet resisted to bloodshed, striving against sin. 5And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons:

"My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD,
Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him;
6For whom the LORD loves He chastens,
And scourges every son whom He receives."

7If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? 8But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. 9Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live? 10For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness. 11Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Renew Your Spiritual Vitality
(2) 12 Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees, 13and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed.
14Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: 15looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled; 16lest there be any fornicator or profane person like Esau, who for one morsel of food sold his birthright. 17For you know that afterward, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought it diligently with tears.

The Glorious Company
18 For you have not come to the mountain that may be touched and that burned with fire, and to blackness and darkness and tempest, 19and the sound of a trumpet and the voice of words, so that those who heard it begged that the word should not be spoken to them anymore. 20(For they could not endure what was commanded: "And if so much as a beast touches the mountain, it shall be stoned or shot with an arrow." 21And so terrifying was the sight that Moses said, "I am exceedingly afraid and trembling." )
22But you have come to Mount Zion and to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, to an innumerable company of angels, 23to the general assembly and church of the firstborn who are registered in heaven, to God the Judge of all, to the spirits of just men made perfect, 24to Jesus the Mediator of the new covenant, and to the blood of sprinkling that speaks better things than that of Abel.

Hear the Heavenly Voice
25 See that you do not refuse Him who speaks. For if they did not escape who refused Him who spoke on earth, much more shall we not escape if we turn away from Him who speaks from heaven, 26whose voice then shook the earth; but now He has promised, saying, "Yet once more I shake not only the earth, but also heaven." 27Now this, "Yet once more," indicates the removal of those things that are being shaken, as of things that are made, that the things which cannot be shaken may remain.
28Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us have grace, by which we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear. 29For our God is a consuming fire.

This is the word that I am meditating on. Continue to pray for us. Please, pray for little Katia -- http://www.caringbridge.org/fl/katia_leukemiapage/

Blessings,

Nichelle

P.S. Yvonne!!! I'm sorry I haven't responded, I've been doing the "Mom's Taxi" thing and I'm back in the swing of studying again (just gotta get back to that gym this week too!) I'll try to write sometime this week.

Monday, September 15, 2003 4:14 PM CDT

Update on my two prayer requests!

God is SO good!

PRAYER REQUESTS
1. I was supposed to have an MRI last Wednesday and I couldn't go through with it. I kept hearing Adrienne tell me how much she didn't want to have another MRI. I was going to have to reschedule (because I couldn't stop crying). Next time I'd have to be sedated. Pray that I can get it over with with minimal anxiety.

Update: God said in Romans 8:28 that He would work everything out for our good. Well in this case, my freaking out was for my good. I just found out today (almost a week after the scheduled MRI) that the insurance company would not have paid for the MRI. They said that it was medically unnecessary. My emotional breakdown saved me $1000! Praise God!

2. One of our toilets is leaking. Praise God the builder is going to fix it although we're out of warranty, but pray that they fix it right with no further problems.

Update: The plummer was in and out in 15 minutes. The problem was definitely "builder error" and they're covering all the cost involved in fixing it. There's no evidence of any further damage (Praise the Lord!)

Here's another prayer request. Someone had given my children a guinea pig. We had it for a week and it died too! It could have been one of at least four reasons: age-related problems (we don't know how old it was); Vitamin C deficiency (we know that guinea pigs don't produce this naturally and it hadn't received supplements in at least a year; unknown virus or bacteria in our home that killed the hamsters could have killed the guinea pig; or, since the guinea pig had received almost no attention before, the overstimulation of Brandice, Tre' and Charis' attention could have stressed it out. It could have been a combination of any or all of these. Please pray that the next pet we get lives a LONG time. After all, we've had Cotton for almost 15 years. She's still alive and kicking. Pray that although she's already lasted longer than the average life span for her two mixtures of breeds, that she will live a lot longer because our family just cannot handle another death right now!

Blessings,

Nichelle

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 11:44 PM CDT

Well, I had planned to update the page on the first of September in honor of Brandice's birthday and put up some pictures of Adrienne and Brandice, but I've been running and running and running. My email inbox overfloweth. Brandice had a "quiet" party with just a few friends over to spend the night. She had a good time but still got her "cry" time in later.

I've been missing my grandmother more and more in the past couple of weeks. Her birthday is September 21st. She went to Heaven the morning we buried my baby. I loved hearing her voice. I loved how she said my name. I used to listen to all her conversations to other people. I didn't know or understand everything she was talking about but I just loved the sound of her voice. I remember asking her NOT to introduce me as her grandBABY. But every now and then she'd slip and say it anyway.

I feel very blessed. I meet many people who didn't have the kind of relationship with their grandmothers that I had with mine. I know that if anybody's enjoying Heaven, Mama Dear is! Her zeal for the Lord was contagious! She used to sing this song that just repeated the words, "I thank the Lord." Hopefully, I'll get some time to put some new pictures up soon.

PRAYER REQUESTS
1. I was supposed to have an MRI today and I couldn't go through with it. I kept hearing Adrienne tell me how much she didn't want to have another MRI. I'm going to have to reschedule (because I couldn't stop crying). Next time I'll have to be sedated. Pray that I can get it over with with minimal anxiety.

2. One of our toilets is leaking. Praise God the builder is going to fix it although we're out of warranty, but pray that they fix it right with no further problems.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Thursday, August 21, 2003 3:20 PM CDT

Not too long ago, a friend and I were discussing the recent widowhood of an acquaintance. In the weeks following her husband's suicide she was busy running here and running there. My friend remarked her surprise at seeing this woman way on the other side of town. I can understand the busyness; the constant activity to keep at bay the nagging, relentless sorrow of loss. That's what we've been -- busy. I told her, that it would eventually catch up with her. The change of seasons seems to bring with it the reminder that your loved one is not here.

We've gone through one complete spring without Adrienne being here to smell the flowers and watch the birds build nests and hear their beautiful songs. Summer is almost passed without taking her to the pool or looking in the shoe store circulars and "Oo-ing" and "ah-ing" over Montego Bay sandals.

Now it's time to begin schooling again. I should be teaching 8th grade this year -- but I'm not. I should be planning her highschool curriculum and looking into UT entrance requirements. Part of me still wants to do it anyway. Up until yesterday, I still had her name on my student planner. I think probably every one of us has experienced being annoyed at our mother or father when they still try to parent us and give us advice in an area that we think we're past. I've experience that to. But I guess I understand a little better now: How do you STOP being a parent? How do I stop being Adrienne's mother? How do I stop wanting to think about her education, marriage, the children she would have had? I don't know how.

I still have her notebooks with half finished assignments. Paragraphs that end mid-sentence. I look at them and sometimes feel as if she'll come back and finish them. Then I have to laugh -- she wouldn't finish them even if she were still here!

It is so hard homeschooling without my first student. When we first started homeschooling 10 years ago, I didn't know if I could do it. Like Adrienne, I wasn't good at following through on projects that I'd started. Today we were cleaning up in our school room and found the final book in our phonics series. I remember being SO happy the day Adrienne finished that book. It was a four-year-long process, but we'd finished phonics. Adrienne had learned to read, she knew the eight parts of speech, she could correctly divide any word into syllables, she could write in manuscript and in cursive! Her completion of that book was as much an accomplishment for me as it was for her. I had proven to myself (and my husband) that I could educate my own child. After that, I was confident that I could teach her math and science and history. I looked forward to introducing new concepts and hearing her say, "Oh! I get it!" It's different with Brandice sometimes. Branice will say, "I get it" before I get it (smile)!

It is hard beginning a new school year without planning all the things I want to teach her. I know that Heaven is still a place of learning and growing. I know that she has the best teachers in the history of the world. Maybe she'll run into George Washington Carver and remember to tell him, "My mom told me about you."

I don't know, maybe I'll just put her name back on the roster and just mark her absent, or say she's graduated or become an exchange student. Yes, that's it. She's an exchange student. She's gone to explore the culture and language of the Kingdom of Heaven and rather than learning about it by corespondence, as we do, she's now learning it through immersion.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Please Understand

Let me cry, don’t divert me, but don’t walk away
There is nothing you can do to stop this pain
Let me weep with deep, bitter sobs of grief
My heart will heal, but it will be scarred

When my tears dry and you see me smile
Understand that smile will be different
Part of who I am in this world died with my [daughter][sister]
And I can never go back to how I use to be

I don’t know where this journey of loss and grief goes
The road to recovery seems twisted and rocky
I can’t see around the bend and you can’t guide me
It’s not your fault, it’s just the way it is

So just be patient with me and allow me to grieve
I don’t know when I’ll find solace, I just know not yet
Don’t push me or try to make me better,
Just love me, stay close and catch me when I fall

If I seem unreasonable, it’s because I am
There is nothing reasonable about losing your child [sister]
I do love you all, could not get through without you
But I must mourn until God turns it into dancing

So please let me talk all I want about [Adrienne] and [her] death
Let me talk all I want about [her] life and laughter, too
Some day, I’ll spot the shore and go on with living
For now, I am only [her] mother [father, sister, brother] drifting in a sea of tears

Please understand

- Bonnie J. Bertelson [Words in brackets have been replaced or added to allow it to fit our situation.]

Sunday, August 3, 2003 0:58 AM CDT

Loss Of A Sibling

To lose a sibling is to lose oneself,
For a part of me is gone.
And now I'm left to reminisce
As I try to carry on.

The thought of you not being here
Has torn my world apart.
Yet everyday I feel you near;
a blessing to my heart.

Your memory comforts me today
In ways I wish you knew.
But tears are falling from the pain
That comes from losing you.

I see your face in the morning sun
And in the moon at night.
I wonder how you're feeling now,
I pray that you're alright.

And one day when my time has come
To soar with eagles wings...
We'll be joined forevermore
To laugh, to live, to sing.

© Copyright 2002 Jill Lemming

---------------------

I'll See You On The Other Side

I'll see you on the other side,
when God calls me to His throne...
until that day, I'll picture you
in your bright and heavenly home.

I see angels all around you
with their halos shining bright...
and I know that you are basking
in the Father's Holy Light.

Our days on earth are numbered
and the years do seem to fly...
but where you are, is timeless
and we will never say goodbye.

If I could have known your passing
was so near the time to be...
I would have changed direction
and held you ever close to me.

For now I have your memory
to hold within my heart...
and one day I will join you
nevermore our souls to part.

© Copyright 2002 Jill Lemming

This is Brandice Nelson reporting from home base, where I am currently (and briefly) resting before my next great adventure. For the past two weeks, I have been a granddaughter and a guest in one Grandma Clark’s lovely home. I have been an undercover agent, trying to discover what it would be like to live a normal life, and not have to fly from one place to another, gathering important information about secret organizations, and other secret, important things. For those of you who know her, you know she was the wrong person to investigate about having a normal life.

She showed me at least a fourth of Colorado while I was there, and I met two other operatives whose names were Dana & Jacey. But let me start at the beginning.

I woke up at 6 o’clock and got on a plane the size of a tin can despite a minor mishap. My parents did not know that as a junior agent, I am not allowed to fly without a bodyguard, and they had to pay more to enlist one for me. About the plane. It was the smallest plane I have, and had ever been on. Anyway, the flight was almost 2 hours long, and I sat next to a woman who slept (and snored) for most of the time we were flying. When she woke up, she played her Game Boy and turned up the volume way too loudly for me, but being an agreeable sort, I turned on my Game Boy, and blasted the sound as well. Then, when the plane landed, I waited for everyone else to get off so my guard could accompany me to my final destination. We walked downstairs and rode a train to get to the passenger pickup area, which is where my subject waited. We went to the baggage claim area to pick up my bags, and then we found the car.

That night, Grandma held a party in my honor. This is when I met Jacey and Dana. We had a Barbie cake, and for once, I didn’t get any of the vividly pink icing (with which my grandmother was very displeased) on my new white shirt.

Like I said before, Grandma took me everywhere. I’ll try and scan some pics later. Email me if you'd like to see some: bootslarue@yahoo.com.

We went to the Royal Gorge and rode in the first class car on a train that goes through the Gorge. I got the closest thing I’ll ever get to alcohol on that train, and that was apple cider. Now, I really would like to go over each and every single detail of this trip, but seeing as it would take all night, I’ll just go over the basics.

I went to Royal Gorge and Flying W, (might I add, this is all true) the bridge in the gorge was simply terrible, and Jacey went to W too. Elitch Gardens (the name is funny) had a ride that hurt my tummy. Roller coasters galore were there, we went to the pool, and messed up my hair. Casa Bonita was dinner that night, but the lines for food gave my stomach a fright! There were dinner shows, and dives in a pool, but a monkey named Ape broke my personal rule, and took off my cap, which I found quite cruel. We went to the mountains, and Cave Of the Winds, which was pretty cool, for a cave without ends. Then off to the Garden, of gods I mean, and even though it was pretty to see, I ran out of film, and so had she. (By she I meant my Grandma of course, what did you think, I meant a horse?) The Asian Buffet was pretty cool, but the Renaissance Festival played the fool since it opened on Saturday and their horse was only a mule. Focus on the Family too we visited, went on the tour and everything, got some magazines for my parents, and ended up with some tapes for me. That was a cool rhyme, well what can I say, I’d rather do this than go outside and play. (I don’t have anyone to play with anyway) That’s basically all that happened. This is Brandice Nelson, signing off.

Wednesday, July 23, 2003 11:32 PM CDT

We're just getting back from the One Nation Conference in Jacksonville, FL. It was sponsored by the pastor of the church that we helped to start in Okinawa, Japan, Pastor James and First Lady Gloria Whitaker. We're so excited because Pastor Whitaker has agreed to allow our church, Rejoice! Christian Ministries, to host the conference in 2006. We can't wait! We're also grateful for the hospitality of the Lawrences.

It was very therapeutic to be with Zionites again. Just being in their presence brought about some healing. Pastor Whitaker prayed for us. It was wonderful.

I thought it would be hard to see the kids that were always at her birthday parties all teenagers now (Sarah C., Mariette, Phillip, Summer Ann), but it was just good to see them. I was talking with Sis. Gloria and telling her that many of the people here in Austin knew Adrienne by her talent, but Zion knew her by her character. It was fun to see all the "baby boomers" too. When we had Tre', Zion was experiencing a "baby boom." There are at least a couple of dozen 5-6 year old Zion babies. Tre' also got to meet Trey Glass. The last time we saw him he was the age that Tre' is now.

The pastor that spoke on the last night of the conference was from South Africa. He said he'd like to bring us over to minister in his church. We'd like to go and bring our own projection system and share Adrienne's testimony and faith with them. When Adrienne was five, she was dancing to her Worship in Motion video and all-of-a-sudden stopped and turned around to tell me, "Mommy, I have to go to Africa to tell the people about Jesus." We thought, that by bringing a video of Adrienne to Africa she will still be able to do that, and her "works will follow her" as it says on her headstone. Please pray for us to go to Africa.

On the way back, we stopped in Mississippi to visit a childhood friend of mine. Her son was murdered two years ago. It was a blessing to be able to talk with her and minister to her. I would have never been able to do that without having had been a bereaved mother too. I plan to keep in closer contact with her. 2 Corinthians 1:4 tells us to "comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

When we got back, Alvin had to be at work right away. It was a little hard to be back in the house by myself (Tre' and Charis were still here) after talking about Adrienne and Brandice all week and have them not be here. Brandice is still in Colorado visiting my mother. I kissed a picture of Adrienne on the refridgerator. I long to hold her in my arms again. I miss walking beside her. I'll never forget the last walk we took around the block together. She was feeling the effects of the tumor. I didn't know. The emergency room doctor had told me to get her up and moving. I was just "following orders." But Adrienne would never complain. She didn't feel like it, but she just did it anyway. Somedays I just wish I could wave the last seven months away and have all my family together again. It was hard for me on the trip to see hotels we stayed in together and restaurants we'd eaten in together as a family of six. I miss being a family of six.

I don't know if I ever got around to sharing what the Lord had given me concerning worship: When we worship God, we say we are in the presence of the Lord. And when our loved ones who knew the Lord die, we also say they are in the presence of the Lord. I believe those two are one in the same. When I worship the Lord, I feel closer to Adrienne than I ever feel at the cemetary, or lying on her bed. When I really get into worship, I believe she comes and worships right along with me. We are both "in the presence of the Lord." However, since I am still in my "earthsuit", I cannot stay there, so there are times that when worship is over, I am almost depressed, because I cannot STAY there.

My bereaved friend in Mississippi asked me if I felt cheated because I had plans for my child that were not fulfilled. In a way I do because they were MY plans. But God's plans are always to come before ours. Not my will, Lord, but Yours be done. In Isaiah 55:9 we read that His thoughts and ways are higher than ours. I guess I am just so totally convinced that her life is not over. It may be in the flesh, but Adrienne has eternal life, she yet lives.

Today I was thinking that there have been bereaved parents on the earth since Adam and Eve.

Matthew 2

18"A voice is heard in Ramah,
weeping and great mourning,
Rachel weeping for her children
and refusing to be comforted,
because they are no more."

I can remember my great-great grandmother, Lena Mathews telling me about her 17 year old brother that was killed bringing horses into a barn, she herself lost a six year old daughter named Pearl. She lived at least 70 years as a bereaved mother. When I think of living here that long without Adrienne, it makes me sick to my stomach, but I just keep reminding myself that the Word of God says that this life is "but a vapor." I shared with my friend that time is relative. Think back to when you were potty training. You thought that time would NEVER end. It seemed to last forever. Yet it seems that the time we had them here on earth is so short. Because of what Jesus has done for us, once this life is over, we'll NEVER be apart again. I look forward to that. Adrienne is in my future! So I stay busy, and keep my mind, body, and spirit occupied. I thank God for my friend Yvonne who provided the inspiration for me to start studying medical transcription again, and my mother for making it possible.

Here are a few thought-provoking scriptures:

Job 14:5 "Man's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed."

Psalm 39:4 "Show me, O LORD, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life."

Psalm 90:12 "Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."

Alvin was supposed to get his AA degree in Network Administration in January, but because of Adrienne's passing, it had to be delayed, but bless God, it finally came in the mail. He started working on his bachelor's this week, and just found out he has probably already completed all the requirements for another associate's degree from CCAF.

Please pray for Brandice's safe return. Pray for our ministry. Pray for our strength to endure to the end, and that our testimony and witness of Christ through our suffering is effective.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Thursday, July 10, 2003 11:18 PM CDT

It is a very sad night in the Nelson household tonight. A couple of months ago, a homeschooler in our book report group did a report on a book about hamsters and brought his hamster for everyone to see. Brandice and Tre' were intrigued. So, we decided to get them two hamsters. Brandice named hers Mocha, and Tre' named his Andy. I was nervous about it and initially wasn't crazy about the idea of having hamsters in the house. After about a week I had to admit I'd fallen in love with them too.

Then something terrible happened. Tre' had been cleaning out the cage and forgot to fill the bottle with water. It was three days before we noticed Andy hadn't had anything to drink. Poor little fellow! I went to work immediately trying to save this little hamster. I went to website after website and read book after book. With the Lord's help, I managed to keep him alive for another week, but by Tuesday I had to break the news that Andy was not going to make it. Since Tre' was in Vacation Bible School at a church in Leander, Alvin and I decided to go to the pet store and buy a new one before Andy died so the transition would be easier. Tre' named the new hamster Davey.

On Wednesday morning, just after Tre' left for VBS, poor little Andy died. On Wednesday night the kids were playing with the new hamsters and they seemed just fine. On Thursday morning Brandice was playing with Mocha and put him back in the cage. About an hour or so later I called her on the phone. I noticed her voice sounded a little funny. I said, "Brandice, are you okay?" She said, "I don't think so. Mocha is not moving." I was in the middle of taking Alvin to work so I told her not to do anything until I got there. When I got home, I went to the cage and poked Mocha with an orangewood stick. Sure enough, he was dead. Then I looked in the other cage. I poked Davey too. He was dead too! Brandice, Tre' and I just sat there and cried and cried. Then we buried all three hamsters in the back yard. Brandice and Tre' made little headstones with the names Andy, Mocha, and Davey on them on some flat rocks.

Brandice is going to Colorado next week to visit my mother. We'll wait until she gets back to decide whether or not to get more. As I sit here typing this, I miss the sound of Mocha running on his wheel.

Tre' said that now Adrienne has three hamsters to take care of in Heaven.

My poor children!

Tuesday, July 1, 2003 10:24 PM CDT

Hi everyone, it’s me again. I got back from another camp last week called Camp Agape’, and boy, was it great! This wasn’t anything like the last camp I went to. We slept in an air conditioned, electricity wired house. Not a cabin, not a tent, but a house. There was even a bathroom inside the room me and two other people (both girls) slept in.

My roommates’ names were Kelsie and Susan, and Susan was the “Room Mother”. At least that was her title. To Kelsie and I, she was just a big kid. She let us talk until the wee hours of the morning.

Destiny was one of my favorite parts of camp. No, I’m not talking about that kind of destiny, I mean a little girl named Destiny. Isn’t that such a cool name? Anyway, she was always by my side, and she was always cheering me up. She was only 8 though. But still cute.

We did so much at camp, and the only place we had to walk to was the lake. (Which, thankfully, we didn’t swim in.) I learned the 4-step drawing method; made a volcano bottle; melted a bead flower, decorated a “Footsteps” poem and memory box, and made a tie-dye shirt. I also went swimming in a beautiful pool and participated in a candle light service. (Did I mention that it was a Christian camp?) My absolute favorite part of camp was the part I didn’t see. While everyone was doing activities, someone put small gifts on our beds. On my arrival, I received a dog tag necklace with footprints on it, a very nice hat with the words “Camp Agape” emblazoned across the front, and a personalized canvas bag. During my stay, I also received an NIV devotional bible, two pencils, a Susan B. Anthony dollar, three books, a dragonfly pin, a teddy bear, and many other things that I can’t remember right now. The teddy bears were all hand made, and when Destiny got hers, she was mad because her teddy bear had x’s for eyes. So she walked around saying she had a dead teddy.

That’s all I have to say. Thanks!

Brandice

~from Healing After Loss
by Martha Whitmore Hickman

I know well there is no comfort for this pain of parting; the wound
always remains, but one learns to bear the pain, and learns to thank God
for what He gave, for the beautiful memories of the past, and the yet
more beautiful hope for the future. ~Max Muller

A woman whose life had had many hard times said, "The hardest grief I
have had to bear is this temporary separation from my daughter." That
she was able, in faith, to view her adolescent daughter's death as a
temporary separation surely helped her immeasurably. But of course she
longed for her daughter's presence now.

It is foolish to expect to "get over" a serious grief. The pain is
always there, the fantasy of what might have been. Over time, I'm sure
that for this woman the pain was mixed in with happy memories of the
daughter's childhood and adolescence, and also with her anticipation of
their ultimate reunion.

So the mosaics of adjustment are laid down. On some days the grief is
most noticeable; on others, the happy memories; on others, the hope of
reunion burns bright.

As I think about my loss, the strands of grief and memory and hope are
mysteriously braided together.

Luke 9:23 "Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

Until now, I suppose I never had much of a cross to bear. Yes, I had issues and hardships, but by and by they would be resolved. But how can this ever be resolved? To be perfectly honest. I don't want to be a bereaved mother. I don't like this cross. It keeps me up at night when I want to be asleep. It causes me to lose my appetite or overeat. It overshadows all my thoughts of the future.

This past weekend I went to a home schooling conference. I spoke with at least two people who didn't know about Adrienne's passing. "How are the girls?"

It was physically exhausting trying to keep my mind from planning an eighth grade curriculum. At one point, a woman was trying to talk to me about a Christian worship dance leader at the local co-op. I wanted to scream, "I don't want to hear about that!" but I didn't.

This morning I was working out at the YMCA and "Shackles" came on. I wanted to throw the weights up in the air and walk out, but I didn't (for those who might not know, "Shackles" was one of Adrienne's favorite dances). One year ago this weekend she and her dance troupe One Accord ministered that dance at Rejoice!'s Worship and Praise in the Park. Even at the home school conference someone asked me if we were having it this year. How can I explain that I barely have the strength to pull myself together for Sunday and Wednesday night services?

At times I feel like the injured man in the Good Samaritan parable. There are people that I've met that cannot handle my pain--so they avoid me, or ask me how I'm doing, not really wanting an honest answer, and they pass on the other side. There are some who feel as though there's nothing they can do to help ease my burden so they assume that SOMEONE will do it, but not them.

But then, there are those who though they have never felt or experienced anything like this, still come and walk beside us for a little while and help shoulder the load. They let us talk and don't try to give cliches' to try and make it better fast. For those friends, especially our family from Zion Christian Fellowship in Okinawa, dispersed throughout the country and even the world, we are eternally grateful. Your care and thoughtfulness binds up our wounds.

For those of you who are praying please continue. We really appreciate your prayers.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Friday, June 20, 2003 2:11 PM CDT

I was working late last night on a cake. It seems if I stay up to long, I begin missing Adrienne so much; longing for her. I guess the over-tiredness on my body makes me dwell on her not being here. I was also thinking much about her while driving alone in the car today. When I got home, Alvin met me at the door and made me close my eyes and led my by the hand around the couch in the family room to face the wall with all the photos on it. When I opened my eyes, there was a huge oil-painted picture of Adrienne in her white dance costume. Instead of holding a crown of thorns in her hands, she's holding a jeweled crown. Behind her there are rays of a shining sun. It's just breath-taking. It was sent to us by a dear friend named Helen. She was stationed with us in Okinawa, Japan and was at our house so often, we called her our "other daughter." Helen is in the Navy and is stationed in Spain, where the painting was made. When I saw it, I just broke down and cried. It seems that every time I get down about her not being here, the Lord reminds me that she is still alive, and her death was just a transition from earth to heaven.

As if that were not miraculous enough, I got a phone call from Frinton-on-Sea, England today as well. It was our good friend, Sandro. Sandro was our interpreter when we used to do street ministry in Frankfurt, Germany a decade ago. When Adrienne was two, Sandro was reading a book by Roberts Liardon called, "I Saw Heaven." It was an account of a vision he'd had of being taken to Heaven as a little child. I remembered Sandro telling me that every time he picked up the book he thought of Adrienne. I thought about that in February of this year so I looked him up in England to tell him about Adrienne's passing. Today, he called me to tell me about a TBN show he'd watched where a couple had given their testimony about losing their six-year-old daughter to a brain tumor. He urgently told me that I must look up their website and get ahold of their book. I knew that this must be the Lord because a couple of weeks ago my friend Denise was telling me about the same interview and urging me to get ahold of their book too called From Mourning to Morning: From Grief to Glory by Cheryl and Harry Salem (www.salemfamilyministries.org). I'll have to write a review after I've gotten the book.

I haven't forgotten that I'm supposed to share with you the insights the Lord has given me about worship. I'll try to get to that on the next one. Be looking for Adrienne's biography to be posted soon.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Tuesday, June 10, 2003 9:11 PM CDT

Okay, here goes. Hi everyone! It's me, Brandice. This is my first time doing the entry, so please be patient with me. Okay, so what do I talk about. I went to a bereavement camp a few days ago, and was so glad to be back that I kept telling my mom, "I am SO glad to be back." I felt miserable for the 1st day, and half bored to death for the 2nd day, but when I left, I was surprised to find that I enjoyed Camp Brave Heart more than I thought I did.

This really was camp, in every sense of the word. I slept in a bug infested cabin, and for those of you who went to Family Camp in Okinawa, it was nothing like the nice, hardwood floored, solid cement walled, electric cabin that we slept in before. No, this was really bad. The walls were made out of the screen type material that goes in house windows, and there was a tin roof. There was no electricity, no air conditioner, and no bathroom in the cabin, so if I had to go in the middle of the night (which, thankfully, I didn't) I would have had to wake up a counselor and tell her I had to go, wake up another girl to be my buddy, walk all the way to the bathroom in the mud (it rained every day I was there) walk all the way back, and do it all in the dark.
Not a very pleasant trip, especially if I really had to go.

This was a rustic camp, meaning there were no sidewalks. Everywhere we went, we had to walk on the slippery rocks and leaves, on which I nearly fell, several times. The only stairs were on the way to the dining hall, and there were 52 of them. That's 728 steps I went up and down during the two-and-a-half day stay. But it was worth it! Their food was good!

Now, about the entertainment. It was wet. We went to the pool, the lake called Blue Hole, the river, and we rode on this thing called the zip line. To ride the zip line, I put on a harness attached to a long rope. The rope was strung over Blue Hole, and I rode all the way down. It was fun, even though the water was only 40 degrees. We had a pool party on the first night at camp, and a campfire on the second night. And, they played Carman, Kirk Franklin, and Veggie Tales music at the pool party. I was one of the very few who danced to Carman and Kirk Franklin, and the only one to dance to the one Veggie Tales song they played, “Oh Where Is My Hairbrush?”

My cabin mates’ names were Ramona, Lauren, Brianna, Patricia, Bonnie, Sarah, and Morgan. The last two were the counselors. Everyone except Lauren and the counselors had a nickname within the first day. I was Kayla, because everyone (except me) thought that I looked like Kayla Pratt. Ramona was just Mona, Patricia was Noni from Lilo & Stitch, Brianna was Brandy, and Bonnie was Miranda from Lizzie McGuire. They were all really nice, even though Patricia kept putting daddy longlegs (with which the cabin was infested) on the floor.

But that’s not all that happened. All during camp, I was boiling mad, thinking that if Adrienne hadn’t died, I wouldn’t have to be there, and seeing all the other kids with their siblings at camp made me mad too. Every girl in my cabin had an older sister with her, and I was there because of my older sister. Almost every second brought with it more pain. I wanted her to be with me when I was scared of the spiders, I wanted her during the loud thunderstorm, I wanted her to go with me on the nature hike, and see all the pretty butterflies. I wanted her to swim with me, to laugh with me, play with me, and be alive with me. But no, I was there because of her, because of what she did to me. And then, I thought about how selfish I was being, and how much happier and healthier she was in heaven than she was here. And so, at that, I let my best friend of eleven years go. It was hard. I wanted to keep her with me; even to the point of imagining she was still alive, but just on a trip. But that is, and was, impossible, and so I let her go. I still have memories, and pictures, but I had to accept the fact that, unless by some miraculous occurrence, I would not, and will not, see Adrienne again until I go to heaven, or if the Rapture comes, whichever happens first.

That’s all I have to say for now. Thank you, and have a nice day.

!!!NEW PHOTOS!!!

Monday, June 2, 2003 4:41 PM CDT

I'm late, I was planning to add to the journal on Friday, but I got busy.

On Saturday, we went to a homeschool graduation ceremony for a beautiful young lady we've known and watched grow up for eight years. We're very proud of her (and her parents) for all the sacrifices made and all the prayers offered in the perseverence of homeschooling. We are expecting great things from her in the advancement of the Kingdom of Heaven.

No one knows, however, how difficult this graduation ceremony was on Alvin and me. It was a reminder that we didn't get to finish our goal. We will never see Adrienne in a cap and gown and sharing the stage with other homeschooled young people bound for college and greater things in this life. We had someone following us about halfway home from San Antonio to Cedar Park. As soon as they pulled off at their exit, Alvin and I began to cry so hard I don't know how we were able to see the road. The children were asleep in the back seat. I don't even think they knew.

Sunday morning I DID NOT want to go to church. I just wanted to stay home alone in bed with my grief. But as the pastors of the church, we HAVE to be there. But God is so merciful. He came in during praise and worship and moved in a mighty way, as only He can. We had visitors and it was wonderful. Pastor Alvin preached a good word. We had communion, since it was first Sunday, and we celebrated because one day we'll be seated at the King's table and we'll dine together. We celebrated that He gave His life for us.

I tell myself that in a way we got to have a wedding and graduation for Adrienne on December 28th. I think it is God's mercy that we got to have that event, even though Adrienne was sick through it. She may not have been wearing a cap and gown, but we were able to tell her how proud we were of her. We told her what a joy she has always been to us. We layed hands on her and spoke blessings over her. Her father walked her down the aisle and put a ring on her finger.

The Father knew way back on December 25, 1989, that we were only going to have this special girl for 13 years. It was Him who, two years ago, gave us the idea of having a Christian Bat Mitzvah. He could have taken her home to be with Him at any time, but He let us have that special, unforgetable time with her. She lived only 13 years and 20 days, but she knew how much she was loved and cherished. She knew how important she was to us. I'm thankful that He allowed us to tell her.

I ask that you all continue to keep us lifted up in prayer. This pain that we carry in our hearts is sometimes so hard to bear. We thank God for the few people who still call us or write and let us know that they're thinking of us. It means so much.

I want to share with you a beautiful poem that our daughter, Brandice, wrote in honor of Alvin and my 16th wedding anniversary on May 24th. She read this in church:

What I Can Do

I can't give you diamonds
I can't give you pearls
I can't give you yachts
With sails the wind unfurls.

I can't take you cruising
I can't buy you furs
I can't give you islands
Or make your problems blur

But though I can't give you all of this stuff
I can give you love and hop that's enough
I can give you obedience
I can give you faith
For without you, I'd be a pitiless wraith

Yet do not fear, for when I'm grown
I'll be so rich, banks will ask me for loans
And I'll buy you all that I've listed above
Because you have given me your love

So remember these things when you're feeling blue,
Happy Anniversary, relief will come
And I love you!

Brandice Nicholle Nelson

Have a blessed week!

Nichelle

Wednesday, May 21, 2003 2:41 PM CDT

We have been so busy lately, we haven’t had time to think. I don’t know if that’s good or not.

Mother’s Day was hard, but I made it through. I think I kept my thoughts more on my mother and aunt Lealona since this was their first Mother’s Day without their mother. For those who might not know, my grandmother, Barbara Sherrod went home to be with the Lord five days after Adrienne. It has been a very difficult year for our family. She passed away the morning of Adrienne’s Home-Going Celebration. I told the hundreds of people that my grandmother had awaken in Glory that morning and her first words were probably, “Adrienne, what are you doing here?” Mama Dear (my special name for her) went into ICU the day after Adrienne did. I was just thinking that it was a precaution. I certainly didn’t believe that I would lose both of them at the same time. It took me a while to even recognize my grief for my grandmother. One day in March I opened a drawer and saw her program. It threw me! I almost said, “When did this happen? Why didn’t anybody tell me?” I have often said that I would have talked to Adrienne about losing Mama Dear and I would have talked to Mama Dear about losing Adrienne.

On Saturday, we attended our first Compassionate Friends balloon and butterfly release. It seemed that everything was getting in the way of us getting there – there was a line for balloons at Party City, we had to drive a ways to pick up this special fried chicken that Alvin wanted for the picnic. While we were eating, the balloons we bought from Party City got away from us before we could officially release them. We tried to keep our heads about it and eventually we were able to release some balloons in honor of Adrienne.

I cannot tell you how much I miss her. Though I’m busy studying for medical transcription and taking care of the other children, my thoughts are always of her. I miss seeing her bounding down the stairs. I miss hearing her annoying cackling laughter at the end of the day when I’m tired and cranky. I used to tell her to stop laughing like that; it wasn’t lady-like. I’d give anything to hear it now.

I dreamed about her last Monday. In my dream, she was handing me a broken Barbie and telling me to throw it away because she had a new one now. I grabbed her and hugged her and began crying and telling her that I can’t get rid of her things. I woke up crying so loud that Alvin ran into the room to see what was wrong. After I had a chance to think about the dream and what it meant, I realize that she was preparing me that day to see her neurologist, Dr. Patricia Aronin.

Dr. Aronin told us that the brain tumor that Adrienne had was in her thalamus. It was too deep to be surgically removed. It was also the worst kind of malignant brain tumor there was. Even if we were able to catch it any sooner, nothing could have changed the outcome. Radiation and chemo would only have made her suffer. I think that the dream was a way of preparing me to hear that my baby’s body was broken (represented by the Barbie) and that nothing humanly possible could have been done to save her. Now, God has given her a new body. She no longer needs the one she left behind.

I shared this scripture one day with my friend, Yvonne. I must have been under the anointing, because I have no memory of it but she put it on her website:

Hebrews 12:2 “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

I am so thankful for the promises of God. I’m thankful that one day, we will be reunited with our loved ones and NEVER have to be separated from them again!

This is a beautiful story that one of my church members sent me in email:

THE BIRTH OF THE SONG "PRECIOUS LORD"
Back in 1932, I was 32 years old and a fairly new husband. My wife, Nettie, and I were living in a little apartment on Chicago's Southside.

One hot August afternoon I had to go to St. Louis, where I was to be the featured soloist at a large revival meeting.

I didn't want to go. Nettie was in the last month of pregnancy with our first child. But a lot of people were expecting me in St. Louis. I kissed Nettie good-bye, clattered downstairs to our Model A and, in a fresh Lake Michigan Breeze, chugged out of Chicago on Route 66.

However, outside the city, I discovered that in my anxiety at leaving, I had forgotten my music case. I wheeled around and headed back. I found Nettie sleeping peacefully. I hesitated by her bed; something was strongly telling me to stay. But eager to get on my way, and not wanting to disturb Nettie, I shrugged off the feeling and quietly slipped out of the room with my music.

The next night, in the steaming St. Louis heat, the crowd called on me to sing again and again. When I finally sat down, a messenger boy ran up with a Western Union telegram. I ripped open the envelope.

Pasted on the yellow sheet were the words: YOUR WIFE JUST DIED.
People were happily singing and clapping around me, but I could hardly keep
from crying out. I rushed to a phone and called home. All I could hear on the other end was "Nettie is dead. Nettie is dead."

When I got back, I learned that Nettie had given birth to a boy. I swung between grief and joy. Yet that night, the baby died. I buried Nettie and our little boy together, in the same casket. Then I fell apart.

For days I closeted myself. I felt that God had done me an injustice. I didn't want to serve Him any more or write gospel songs. I just wanted to go back to that jazz world I once knew so well. But then, as I hunched alone in that dark apartment those first sad days, I thought back to the afternoon I went to St. Louis. Something kept telling me to stay with Nettie.

Was that something God? Oh, if I had paid more attention to Him that day,
I would have stayed and been with Nettie when she died. From that moment
on I vowed to listen more closely to Him. But still I was lost in grief.

Everyone was kind to me, especially a friend, Professor Fry, who seemed
to know what I needed. On the following Saturday evening he took me up
to Malone's Poro College, a neighborhood music school. It was quiet; the
late evening sun crept through the curtained windows. I sat down at the
piano, and my hands began to browse over the keys. Something happened to me then. I felt at peace. I felt as though I could reach out and touch God.
I found myself playing a melody, one into my head - they just seemed to
fall into place:

Precious Lord, take my hand,
Lead me on, let me stand,!
I am tired, I am weak, I am worn,
Through the storm, through the night
Lead me on to the light,
Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home.
When my way grows drear precious Lord linger near
When my light is almost gone
Hear my cry, hear my call
Hold my hand lest I fall
Take my hand precious Lord, lead me home
When the darkness appears and the night draws near
And the day is past and gone
At the river I stand
Guide my feet, hold my hand
Take my hand precious Lord, lead me home
Precious Lord, take my hand
Lead me on, let me stand
I'm tired, I am weak, I am lone
Through the storm, through the night
Lead me on to the light
Take my hand precious Lord, lead me home

As the Lord gave me these words and melody, He also healed my spirit. I
learned that when we are in our deepest grief, when we feel farthest from
God, this is when He is closest, and when we are most open to His restoring
power. And so I go on living for God willingly and joyfully, until that day comes when He will take me and gently lead me home.

- Tommy Dorsey/ "The Birth of "Precious Lord"

Blessings,

Nichelle

Saturday, May 10, 2003 9:52 PM CDT

A Mother's Day Gift to God

Lord, today is Mother's Day, but our hearts are split in two
Half is with the child[ren] still here,
the other with the child that is there with You.
All the lovely presents are a nice surprise
But the one thing we want most is missing,
and tears fill our eyes.

We know when You sent them, Lord,
You didn't promise how long they would stay
All You said was to love them
and treasure each and every day.
But Lord, it crushed our hearts,
when You called for their return
We feel like half a Mom, as we ache, weep, and yearn.

But Lord, tell them we love them
just as much as we did before
And could You please make a window,
so they can see through heaven's floor?
Let them see that they are missed
and thought of with each breath
And that a Mother's love begins before life,
and does not end with death.

So on this Mother's Day the greatest gift we give to You
For Lord, we know you missed them, and You love them too.

Sending warm embraces and thoughts to all the Mother's
and wishing you a warm and peace filled day.

~Sheila Simmons, TCF Atlanta
reprinted from Monthly Newsletter For Miami-Whitewater & East Central
Indiana Chapters

God Bless The Grieving Mother

God bless the grieving mother...
In January as the snow flakes fall...
And as a new year dawns...
For her memories will comfort her...
Through winter, spring, summer, and fall.

God bless the grieving mother...
In February during the month of love...
She sends her hugs..on the wings of a dove...
And her kisses are blown to the moon above.

God bless the grieving mother...
In March and on St Patricks Day...
A beautiful rainbow...a symbol of hope...
Which colors her world..in a magical way.

God bless the grieving mother...
On Easter In April as she stops to pray...
Thanking God for the gift of everlasting life...
Knowing she will be reunited someday.

God bless the grieving mother...
On Mothers Day and thru the month of May...
Whose memories are like threads of gold...
For they will never tarnish....or go away.

God bless the Grieving mother...
In June as her tears fall like the rain...
Please comfort her...and give her strength
and peaceful days to help ease the pain.

God bless the grieving mother...
In July as the fireworks light up the sky afar...
Just like her memories light up her heart...
And she wishes upon an evening star.

God bless the grieving mother...
In August...as the sun shines through...
Who's life moves on...thru ups and downs..
Whose heart is so tender and true.

God bless the grieving mother...
In September as the leaves turn and fall...
Her childs life forever etched in her heart..
Her childs name entered on the memorial wall.

God bless the grieving mother...
In October...with the harvest colors all around....
Please guide her on her journey of grief...
and keep her safe and sound.

God bless the grieving mother...
In November...a time to give thanks and pray...
Who is so thankful for each precious memory..
But wishes with all her heart...just for one more day

God bless the grieving mother...
In December as Christmas nears...
Please bless her with the gift of peace...
And many great friends to help dry her tears.

God bless the grieving mother...
Each day throughout the year...
As seasons come and go...
And time unfolds...
Day by day...
Month by month...
Year by year...
and especially today...on this Mother's day.

Copyright © April 2001 Written by :
Laura/Heavenly Lights Childrens Memorial
http://www.heavenlylights.homestead.com
Library of Congress TX5-627-966
Unauthorized reprinting of this poem in ANY
form is prohibited without the prior consent
of the author. All rights reserved.

MAMA MISSES YOU, ADRIENNE!!!
WE ALL MISS YOU!!!

Wednesday, April 30, 2003 2:35 AM CDT

Resurrection Sunday was very joyous. We celebrated our Savior's triumphant victory over Death. We celebrated that He is not dead but He lives!

2 Corinthians 13:4 "For though He was crucified in weakness, yet He goes on living by the power of God. And though we too are weak in Him [as He was humanly weak], yet in dealing with you [we shall show ourselves] alive and strong in [fellowship with] Him by the power of God."

As citizens of the Kingdom of Heaven, we celebrate the Resurrection as our national holiday. It's bigger than the Fourth of July to Americans. It is our Independence Day from the power of death.

Let me share some spiritual and scriptural insight that the Lord has given me since Adrienne's departure.

John 5:24 "Most assuredly, I say to you, he who hears My word and believes in Him who sent Me has everlasting life, and shall not come into judgment, but has passed from death into life."

The dead in Christ do not STAY dead. I believe that this scripture in John illustrates that death is only a portal. It is a gateway that saints in Christ move THROUGH. Adrienne died in the PICU of Brackenridge Hospital, but that is not where she remained (in death). When I was standing next to her body, the Lord spoke to me and said, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live."

Of course, as her mother, I'm saying "But how are you telling me that, Lord, when they're telling me my baby is gone?"

Since then I have been on a quest to find out more and more about Heaven. I've read theological books about what the Bible has to say about Heaven. What has been most helpful to me are books written by Christians who, in a vision, have visited Heaven. I don't believe this is heretical or adding to Scripture. The Apostle Paul, himself, claims to have visited Heaven: 2 Corinthians 12:1, "It is doubtless not profitable for me to boast. I will come to visions and revelations of the Lord: I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago--whether in the body I do not know, or whether out of the body I do not know, God knows--such a one was caught up to the third heaven. And I know such a man--whether in the body or out of the body I do not know, God knows -- how he was caught up into Paradise and heard inexpressible words, which it is not lawful for a man to utter."

When Adrienne was two, we knew a young man who would interepret for us when we would minister in the train stations of Frankfurt, Germany in the early days of our ministry. He spoke fluent English, Portuguese, and German. He and I used to talk on the phone during the day and share what the Lord was doing in our lives. One day, he told me he was reading a book by Roberts Lairdon called I Saw Heaven. This book was about a vision that Roberts had had as an eight year old boy of a trip to Heaven. My friend told me that every time he picked up the book he thought of Adrienne. I never forgot that and it has been 11 years. I even looked him up on the internet recently to see if he remembered saying that. He said, "No, but I remember how the Spirit of the Lord would visit us in prayer and Adrienne would come in and grab her parents hands and begin to pray with us. This was very unusual behavior for a two year old."

I researched and found that Roberts Lairdon had updated his book and now it is called We Saw Heaven. Not only is it his account, but others' accounts as well; some even dating as far back as the nineteenth century. I also watched a video of Jesse Duplantis that I had seen after suffering a miscarriage in 1997. The video was called, Close Encounters of a God Kind. It was about his vision of Heaven.

Reading all this helped me to feel comfort about where my daughter now lives, and where we will live as well. Now, I understand what Jesus was telling me in the PICU. Adrienne is alive! (I know you think Nichelle is crazy, now) But it is true! She no longer lives here with us, but she is more alive than we are. James 4:14, "For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away." We will only be here on this earth for a short period of time, but we will live in Heaven for all eternity. I'm reading a book now by Joni Earikson Tada called, Heaven, Your Real Home. Most of us are so comfortable here on earth that we don't really long for Heaven. I was like that too, but now I have a treasure in Heaven. I remember what it was like to touch and smell and hold and kiss this treasure. 2 Corinthians 5:2 "For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed with our habitation which is from heaven."

In the next journal entry I write, I will share with you the insights the Lord has given me on worship. I no longer even refer to it as grief. I call it my separation anxiety. "Grieve" is what you do for those you have no hope of seeing again. 1 Thessalonians 4:13, "Now also we would not have you ignorant, brethren, about those who fall asleep [in death], that you may not grieve [for them] as the rest do who have no hope [beyond the grave]."

So as I said, on Resurrection Sunday, we celebrated.

But on Easter Monday, we cried. We cried more than we have in weeks. We listened to the internet radio and heard, Write the Vision. That was a song that Adrienne sang with her parents. How can we sing it without her? Then, once we had recovered from that, we heard Closer by Lamar Campbell (see Links for a clip) and we started crying all over again. This was a song that Adrienne sang for her Daddy. It's not even that we hadn't heard those songs since she left, it's just that after having experienced the high of celebration, we were brought low in desparation.

We are thankful for the many prayers that have been offered on our behalf. We also live for the phone calls, emails and cards that we've received. They are tangible evidence of your love for us. Please don't stop, they are such an encouragement and give us strength to continue on.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Sunday, April 13, 2003 11:15 PM CDT

It's been a very difficult week for us. Adrienne's permanent marker is now in place. We went to Garden Ridge to make her flowers stand out more. Alvin, Brandice and I still move through different stages of grief. For the first time we saw Tre' cry because he missed his sister. Charis continues to ask us and God to bring her back. She's really quite a prayer warrior. She asks God to watch over us and take care of her sister, Adrienne.

The phrase "Even So, Come, Lord Jesus" has been on my heart so much lately. I did a search on the internet and ran across this article. It does a very good job of expressing my thoughts this week.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Even So, Come, Lord Jesus!
By Janna Thomas

Facing family tragedy, there was a haunting familiarity in my grief. What I've learned has changed my outlook on the world, and the future.

n 1999, I kept a deathwatch at the bedside of two remarkable women--my mother and my brother's wife. The experience was life altering and profoundly saddening for me. Afterward, I felt older in a way that had nothing to do with the passing of years. I acquired a personal understanding of Ecclesiastes 7:2-4, which states, "Better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for that is the end of all men; and the living will take it to heart. Sorrow is better than laughter, for by a sad countenance the heart is made better."

My mother had been ill for many years and had suffered a great deal. At the end, she was spending more time in the hospital than at home. She began to resist the almost weekly trips that had become torturous for her.

The family prayed for God's guidance. We knew that her life was His alone.

Perhaps we could have held on a little longer with more hospitals, needles and machines--all the things that had become so unbearable to her. We began to feel selfish, hanging on at her expense. She seemed to require our permission to stop fighting a fight that she no longer held a hope of winning.

God guided us to an arduous decision that no one wanted to make. She died at home, under the care of hospice, with her family in attendance. God's presence throughout those last days was almost palpable, dramatizing for me Psalm 48:14, "For this is God, our God forever and ever; He will be our guide even to death."

A second encounter with the enemy

My sister-in-law's death stunned everyone. She collapsed at home, and within 48 hours was on life support. We prayed for a miracle. For reasons only He knows, God did not grant one. She died within hours, leaving my brother with four school-age children.

Both my mother and my sister-in-law were strong and tenacious, possessing a determined resolve to beat death. If it were possible to do so, I know they would have. My sister-in-law was renowned for her devotion to her children. Only 24 hours before she died, she insisted resolutely, "Don't worry. I intend to see my girls walk down the aisle." But she was wrong.

The Bible tells us that the last enemy that will be destroyed is death. Death certainly was the enemy to us. Yet, as I watched these strong women in agony, their bodies failing them, I found myself begging God for it, knowing they could no longer ask it for themselves. I had learned that there are indeed worse things than death, like ceaseless suffering, heart-wrenching indignities and the ravaging of the human spirit.

My emotions were a maelstrom. To adequately describe them is impossible. I felt the visceral anguish of impending loss; guilt, real and imagined; sorrowful regret for missed opportunities; and pain like a lava ocean--deep and hot. Capping it all was intense empathy for their suffering. Life was teaching me that sometimes loving best is letting go.

Learning to recognize the pain

There was a haunting familiarity in my pain that I couldn't examine until some time had passed. With God's wisdom and patience, I have since come to recognize it.

God first called me in the early '80s, when I learned about the Kingdom of God, Christ's return and His ruling kingship. I read verses about the kingdoms of this world becoming the kingdom of our Lord, and that He will reign forever and ever! I began to understand the thrilling promise of Revelation 21:4-5 concerning the new heaven and the new earth.

It was wonderfully exciting news, this Kingdom of God. There was just one problem. If all things were to be made new, life as I had known it would have to go. No more life in the fast lane, with 1.5 kids, two cars and a mortgage. Knowing that this fast-paced life would have to go was culture shock to me on a major scale.

I spent a lot of time feeling guilty, experiencing shameful unease whenever I heard an earnestly expressed desire for Christ's return. I did want Him to come back. I just didn't want Him to come yet. I asked myself if I could really be the only one not looking forward to seeing my country, culture and kinfolk destroyed, even for so wonderful an event?

Clinging to the familiar

According to psychologists, we cling to the familiar, even when it is to our detriment. This is a major reason we return to abusive situations, drugs, alcohol and other destructive lifestyles. We find comfort in the known, and are usually quite resistant to change. My world was far from perfect, but it was the only one I had ever known. Even the promise of Utopia--God's Kingdom--didn't completely assuage my unease.

The early Israelites themselves certainly fell victim to this very human trait. God worked unparalleled miracles on their behalf, both to release them from slavery in Egypt, and to sustain them afterwards. He promised to bring them to a land flowing with milk and honey. The life He offered must have sounded almost as perfect to them as God's peaceful Kingdom does to us today.

Yet they often complained, desiring to return to the familiarity of the life they had left behind. "We remember the fish which we ate freely in Egypt, the cucumbers, the melons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic," they grumbled in Numbers 11:5. I found myself wondering if I would have really reacted any differently from those early Israelites.

I took my concerns to God, telling Him that I wanted to look forward to Christ's return with my whole heart and soul. I did not want to be like Lot's wife, looking back at the crucial moment.

Time was passing. The world continues the relentless pursuit of sin and depravity that has occupied it for roughly 6,000 years. The end is surely coming, with each day bringing us closer than the one before.

Empathy and grief

Watching pain in others is something I find extraordinarily hard to do. Yet, as a result of the nightly news and other technological wonders of the age, I have had an open window to the world--a world in pain.

I cried for its abused and murdered children, for its evil regimes, genocide, war crimes and other atrocities. Meanwhile, I began to be aware of a feeling I couldn't name-- a strange mixture of sorrowful sadness and empathy. At first it was intermittent, but soon it was nearly always there, underlying everything. I became accustomed to it, like a leaky faucet you never get around to fixing. Still, I couldn't name it. Now I know that it was because I had no frame of reference for it.

What I was feeling was grief--anticipatory grief for a dying world. I was keeping a death vigil, watching helplessly as the disease process ran its course toward a certain end. Sin is a terminal disease--a cancer for which there is no cure except the atoning blood of Jesus Christ. It is often a silent killer, showing itself in all its ugliness only when the end is near, after it has conquered and consumed virtually all that is healthy and good.

Our world today works sin and suffering. The wage it earns is death. God, because He is merciful, will not allow it to remain in its sin forever. The time is rapidly approaching when, like my mother and sister-in-law, the pain of holding on will be greater than that of letting go.

But death, albeit the enemy, won't be the victor, for God's gift to us is eternal life. As 1 Corinthians 15:57 says, He "gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." Isaiah 26:19 describes that victory:

"But your dead will live; their bodies will rise. You who dwell in the dust, wake up and shout for joy. Your dew is like the dew of the morning; the earth will give birth to her dead" (NIV).

God is infinitely patient, answering prayers in the fullness of His time. In the final chapter of Revelation, John says, "He who testifies to these things says, 'Surely I am coming quickly'" (22:20). It has been a long process, but I can now kneel and pray with fervent sincerity, "Even so, come, Lord Jesus!"

Copyright 2000 by United Church of God, an International Association All rights reserved.

Friday, April 4, 2003 8:12 AM CST

The Hinge of Christianity

For if the dead are not raised, not even Christ has been raised; and if
Christ has not been raised, your faith is worthless; you are still in
your sins.

1 Corinthians 15:16,17

I came across a fascinating list of questions that all have the same
answer. Can you guess what it is?

What gives a widow courage as she stands beside a fresh grave?

What is the ultimate hope of the cripple, the amputee, the abused or
the burn victim?

How can parents of a brain-damaged or physically handicapped child keep
from living their entire lives totally and completely depressed?

Why would anyone who is blind or deaf or paralyzed be encouraged when
he or she thinks of the life beyond?

Where do the thoughts of a young couple go when they finally recover
from the grief of losing their baby?

When a family receives the tragic news that a little daughter was found
dead or the dad was killed in a plane crash or the son overdosed on
drugs, what single truth becomes its whole focus?

What is the final answer to pain, mourning, senility, insanity,
terminal diseases, sudden calamities and fatal accidents?

The answer to each of these questions is: The hope God gives us because
of the bodily resurrection Jesus Christ offers to all who believe in
Him.

The reality is, Christianity hinges on the Resurrection. If Christ is
who He claimed to be, and He didn't come back from the dead, then as
Paul said in 1 Corinthians 15:16-18, our faith is worthless and "we are of
all men most to be pitied" (v. 19).

The pivotal point in all of human history is the resurrection of
Christ. The one thing that separates Christianity from other religions is
that God conquered death. And sin-my sin, your sin-was atoned for.

He is risen. Yes, Christ is risen indeed.

Excerpted from "Moments Together for Couples" by Dennis and Barbara
Rainey. Used with permission. Copyright 1995 by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.
All rights reserved. To purchase the book, visit
-> http://www.familylife.com/1-800-358-6329/detail.asp?id=1170

Tuesday, April 1, 2003 3:30 PM CST
I keep trying to update this page. Something always happens and I don't get to it, or I'm interrupted, or Brandice gets on in middle of what I'm doing and erases everything (smile).
This web page was originally begun to keep family and friends updated on Adrienne's progress. Since she progressed right into Heaven, I suppose it can be used to keep family and friends updated on how we are progressing in our grief.
I read the journal entry of another family who lost a child and on one day the entry simply stated, "Yossi is still dead." I guess that kind of says it all. Nothing has changed since January 15th. Adrienne is still dead and the hole in our hearts is always there. If we are laughing it is there, if we are working it is there, if we are playing it is there.

This is a daily message from Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman:

Grief comes in unexpected surges....Mysterious cues that set off a reminder of grief. It comes crashing like a wave, sweeping me in its crest, twisting me inside out. Then recedes, leaving me broken. Oh, Mama, I don't want to eat, to walk, to get out of bed. Reading, working, cooking, listening, mothering. Nothing matters. I do not want to be distracted from my grief. I wouldn't mind dying. I wouldn't mind at all. ~Toby Taibot

Anything can set us off - a fragment of music, a piece of old clothing we come upon when cleaning out a closet, a slip of paper that falls out of a book, with that familiar handwriting on it. Just when we thought we were feeling better, gaining some stability, something comes to plunge us right back into that raw, overpowering sense of loss.

Not only are we unable to think of anything else, we don't want to. There is nothing on the horizon but this. Our grief occupies our life out to the edges. If we try to look to the future, our glance is stuck in this mire of grief. Is it any wonder we think of our own death as not such a bad idea?

This mood comes without warning and it is devastating. It also passes. So....live in your grief, yes. But also wait. To accept the surges of grief when they come is also to know they will pass.

About six weeks after I married Alvin, we moved to a little group of islands off the coast of Portugal called the Azores. You may have heard of it because recently President Bush held a summit there. My mother read everything she could find about the Azores. She wanted to know everything about the place where her daughter was going to be living.
I have been the same way lately. I have been reading every book I can get my hands on about Heaven. I've been reading theological books, books by Chrisians who've had visions of visiting Heaven (some from as far back as the persecutions of Christians in Rome). Because of my reading, I have a great peace about where our daughter is. I take Brandice to a girls' Bible study group on Mondays and I think to myself, "It's not fair, Adrienne should be here for this. Some of her friends are in here." Then I think to myself. "Do you really think Adrienne is worried about not being in a Bible study here on earth? She may be sitting at the feet of Jesus getting the Word of Life first hand!"
If what I've read has truth to it, those in Heaven are aware of what is going on down here, but they're not as "absorbed" by it. Tre' told me one day that Adrienne misses him. I believe it. I believe she misses all of us, but she's not sitting around pining away for us. She's patiently awaiting our arrival in that Great City, but she's busy exploring every inch of it so she can show us around when we get there. My mother loves being a tour guide to people who visit her town. I'm sure Adrienne is taking after her. She and my grandmother, Mama Dear, who arrived in Heaven five days after Adrienne did are being shown around by my Uncle Dane and many other family members and friends. I told a mother who'd lost her little one to SIDS that my Adrienne is probably spending time taking care of many little people in Heaven. She was such a good baby-sitter.

We have a request to ask of all our friends. We want to put together a scrapbook of memories of Adrienne. I know many of you that we were stationed overseas with have pictures of her and Brandice at church events and your children's birthday parties. Would you please send copies of the pictures you have of her. Also please take time to sit down and write a letter of a special memory you have of her. Mail it to:

The Nelsons
2002 Rachel Ridge
Cedar Park, TX 78613

Keep checking back to this webpage. I am working on a more detailed history of Adrienne's life that will be much longer than her obituary would have allowed.

I'll leave you with the words of I'll See You Again from Richard Smallwood's Live in Atlanta CD. We sang in concert with Richard Smallwood when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with Adrienne:

"I'll See You Again"
Words and Music by Richard Smallwood
Zomba Songs Inc./T. Autumn Music

Seems like only yesterday that your laughter filled the air.
And whatever I was going through, You were always there.
How you gave of all your love and time to those who were in need.
In my heart, you'll always be a part of me.
Though sometimes it's hard to deal with you not being here.
I rejoice that you have reached that place of peace where there's no fear.
Heaven has become a little sweeter just because you're there.
And we'll meet again in that place so bright and fair.

I'll see you again, where the sun is always shining.
I'll see you again, where sorrows are no more.
Where we'll join hands together.
And we'll sing around the throne.
Can't hardly wait till the day I'll see you again.

Till we meet, till we meet, till we meet at Jesus' feet.
Till we meet, till we meet again.
God be with you till we meet again.

Blessings,

Nichelle

Monday, February 3, 2003 12:54 AM CST
Acknowledgement from the Family

Perhaps you sent a loving card, or sat in warm support,

Perhaps you sent a beautiful floral piece, or prepared a wonderful dish to eat.

Could be you whispered a kind word

Or flashed a smile at just the right time

Or maybe you just took time from your busy day to say a small prayer for us.

Whatever you did to console our hearts, we thank you so much...

Whatever the part.

Tuesday, January 21, 2003 at 09:49 PM (CST)
The Nelson family wishes to thank everyone who has signed the guestbook on this site. We are so amazed at the lives our daughter touched. In the 24 hours after her passing, at least 5 people have decided to come to Christ. Our little evangelist is winning souls from glory. We are convinced that the Lord loaned us a little piece of heaven. Now she is forever dancing before her King.

The homegoing celebration for our angel, Adrienne, was held on Monday, January 20 at 1:00 p.m.

Our family received another shock on the morning of Adrienne's Home-Going Celebration. Pastor Nichelle's maternal grandmother also went home to be with the Lord and to meet up with Adrienne.

Please keep our family in your prayers. This is especially difficult for her sister, Brandice, who was just 20 months younger than Adrienne. Pray for Pastor Nichelle and her mother as they've lost one before them and one after them.

Thank you,

The Nelsons

Adrienne's Obituary

Adrienne Nichelle Nelson was born on Christmas Day, December 25, 1989 in Lajes Field, Azores, Portugal to Pastors Alvin and Nichelle Nelson. She was the firstborn of four children: Brandice Nicholle, Alvin Garland, III (Tre'), and Charis Caprice Nyelle Nelson.

Adrienne enjoyed being a military child. She was able to travel in her brief thirteen years to more countries than some people see in a long lifetime. She lived in the Azores; Neu Isenburg, Germany; and Okinawa, Japan. She visited Belgium, the Netherlands, Austria, England, Korea, mainland Japan and Guam. At an early age, she loved to minister in song to the orphans and missionaries of Klatovy, the Czech Republic.

Adrienne's family was very important to her. She relished in memories of family vacations to Disneyworld, and Hawaii and long transcontinental drives through 34 of the 50 states. She has friends from all over the world.

Adrienne was homeschooled from birth. She loved participating in science fairs, spelling bees, and other displays of academic excellence. Her family had membership in Okinawa Christian Home Educators Association, Christian Home Educators of Central Texas, P.E. Coop, Keepers of the Faith, WholeHearted Homeschoolers and most recently Hill Country Christian Homeschoolers.

Adrienne accepted Jesus Christ as her personal Savior in January, 1995 and was baptized in the East China Sea in February, 1995. She received the Baptism of the Holy Ghost in May of 2002. She always had great respect and appreciation for the pastors of the churches her family served in membership in. Those being Pastor Anthony MacMillan of Victory Christian Fellowship, Hochheim, Germany; Pastor James E. Whitaker of Zion Christian Fellowship, Okinawa, Japan and most recently Bishop L.A. Wilkerson of Agape Christian Ministries and Apostle Prelate of the Agape Family of Churches. Adrienne served fervently and faithfully in her parents' ministry, Rejoice! Christian Ministries, International.

Adrienne began learning to play the piano at the age of 7, and wrote a few songs with her sister, Brandice. She had a beautiful alto voice and many from Zion Christian Fellowship's choir and Praise Team will remember that it was she who gave the alto section their note.

Adrienne passion was dancing before the Lord. She was inspired by her mentors Minister Angela Brown of Agape Christian Ministries, Mrs. Ruth Ann Mayer, One Accord Ministries and the One Accord Dance Troupe. She also loved four special women of God: Elder Joyce McDonald, Mrs. Kimberly Iglesias, Mrs. Deborah Wagner, and her self-adopted godmother Mrs. Cheryl Hancock. Her best friends were Myilette Thompson, Nichole and Nekia Tharps with whom she dedicated her teenage years to the Lord in Christian Bat Mitzvah on December 28, 2002 and her dance partner, Shaney Lee.

In addition to her immediate family, Adrienne leaves to mourn her passing her grandparents Mr. and Mrs. Joe Clark of Colorado Springs, CO; Mr. and Mrs. Peter Parham of Ewing, NJ; Mr. Clifford Wilson of Dallas, TX; Mr. and Mrs. Alvin Nelson, I of Ithaca, NY. Great-grandparents: Mr. and Mrs. Lealon Sherrod, Mr. and Mrs. Leronzo Wilson, Mrs. Evelyn Wilson of Wichita, KS and a host of aunts, uncles, cousins and friends.

Sunday, January 19, 2003 at 08:50 AM (CST)
The Nelson family wishes to thank everyone who has signed the guestbook on this site. We are so amazed at the lives our daughter touched. In the 24 hours after her passing, at least 4 people have decided to come to Christ. Our little evangelist is winning souls from glory. We are convinced that the Lord loaned us a little piece of heaven. Now she is forever dancing before her King.

The earthly body of our daughter will be able to be viewed by family, friends, and loved ones at Cook-Walden Chapel of the Hills, 9700 Anderson Mill Road, Austin, TX 78750. You may see her from Sunday, Janunary 19th from 8 a.m. until 8 p.m. or Monday, January 20th from 8 a.m. until 10 a.m.

The homegoing celebration for our angel, Adrienne, will be held on Monday, January 20 at 1:00 p.m. The service will be held at Kingdom Worship Center, 1901 FM1460, Round Rock, TX.

Please keep our family in your prayers. This is especially difficult for her sister, Brandice, who was just 20 months younger than she.

Thank you,

The Nelsons

Adrienne's Obituary

Adrienne Nichelle Nelson was born on Christmas Day, December 25, 1989 in Lajes Field, Azores, Portugal to Pastors Alvin and Nichelle Nelson. She was the firstborn of four children: Brandice Nicholle, Alvin Garland, III (Tre'), and Charis Caprice Nyelle Nelson.

Adrienne enjoyed being a military child. She was able to travel in her brief thirteen years to more countries than some people see in a long lifetime. She lived in the Azores; Neu Isenburg, Germany; and Okinawa, Japan. She visited Belgium, the Netherlands, Austria, England, Korea, mainland Japan and Guam. At an early age, she loved to minister in song to the orphans and missionaries of Klatovy, the Czech Republic.

Adrienne's family was very important to her. She relished in memories of family vacations to Disneyworld, and Hawaii and long transcontinental drives through 34 of the 50 states. She has friends from all over the world.

Adrienne was homeschooled from birth. She loved participating in science fairs, spelling bees, and other displays of academic excellence. Her family had membership in Okinawa Christian Home Educators Association, Christian Home Educators of Central Texas, P.E. Coop, Keepers of the Faith, WholeHearted Homeschoolers and most recently Hill Country Christian Homeschoolers.

Adrienne accepted Jesus Christ as her personal Savior in January, 1995 and was baptized in the East China Sea in February, 1995. She received the Baptism of the Holy Ghost in May of 2002. She always had great respect and appreciation for the pastors of the churches her family served in membership in. Those being Pastor Anthony MacMillan of Victory Christian Fellowship, Hochheim, Germany; Pastor James E. Whitaker of Zion Christian Fellowship, Okinawa, Japan and most recently Bishop L.A. Wilkerson of Agape Christian Ministries and Apostle Prelate of the Agape Family of Churches. Adrienne served fervently and faithfully in her parents' ministry, Rejoice! Christian Ministries, International.

Adrienne began learning to play the piano at the age of 7, and wrote a few songs with her sister, Brandice. She had a beautiful alto voice and many from Zion Christian Fellowship's choir and Praise Team will remember that it was she who gave the alto section their note.

Adrienne passion was dancing before the Lord. She was inspired by her mentors Minister Angela Brown of Agape Christian Ministries, Mrs. Ruth Ann Mayer, One Accord Ministries and the One Accord Dance Troupe. She also loved four special women of God: Elder Joyce McDonald, Mrs. Kimberly Iglesias, Mrs. Deborah Wagner, and her self-adopted godmother Mrs. Cheryl Hancock. Her best friends were Myilette Thompson, Nichole and Nekia Tharps with whom she dedicated her teenage years to the Lord in Christian Bat Mitzvah on December 28, 2002 and her dance partner, Shaney Lee.

In addition to her immediate family, Adrienne leaves to mourn her passing her grandparents Mr. and Mrs. Joe Clark of Colorado Springs, CO; Mr. and Mrs. Peter Parham of Ewing, NJ; Mr. Clifford Wilson of Dallas, TX; Mr. and Mrs. Alvin Nelson, I of Ithaca, NY. Great-grandparents: Mr. and Mrs. Lealon Sherrod, Mr. and Mrs. Leronzo Wilson, Mrs. Evelyn Wilson of Wichita, KS and a host of aunts, uncles, cousins and friends.

Saturday, January 18, 2003 at 10:44 AM (CST)
The Nelson family wishes to thank everyone who has signed the guestbook on this site. We are so amazed at the lives our daughter touched. In the 24 hours after her passing, at least 4 people have decided to come to Christ. Our little evangelist is winning souls from glory. We are convinced that the Lord loaned us a little piece of heaven. Now she is forever dancing before her King.

The earthly body of our daughter will be able to be viewed by family, friends, and loved ones at Cook-Walden Chapel of the Hills, 9700 Anderson Mill Road, Austin, TX 78750. You may see her from 3 p.m until 5 p.m on Saturday, January 18th or Sunday, Janunary 19th from 8 a.m. until 8 p.m.

The homegoing celebration for our angel, Adrienne, will be held on Monday, January 20 at 1:00 p.m. The service will be held at Kingdom Worship Center, 1901 FM1460, Round Rock, TX.

Please keep our family in your prayers. This is especially difficult for her sister, Brandice, who was just 20 months younger than she.

Thank you,

The Nelsons

Friday, January 17, 2003 at 12:29 AM (CST)
The Nelson family wishes to thank everyone who has signed the guestbook on this site. We are so amazed at the lives our daughter touched. In the 24 hours after her passing, at least 4 people have decided to come to Christ. Our little evangelist is winning souls from glory. We are convinced that the Lord loaned us a little piece of heaven. Now she is forever dancing before her King.

The homegoing celebration for our angel, Adrienne, will be held on Monday, January 20 at 1:00 p.m. The service will be held at Kingdom Worship Center, 1901 FM1460, Round Rock, TX. The earthly body of our daughter will be able to be viewed by family, friends, and loved ones at Cook-Walden Chapel of the Hills, 9700 Anderson Mill Road, Austin, TX 78750.

Please keep our family in your prayers. This is especially difficult for her sister, Brandice, who was just 20 months younger than she.

Thank you,

The Nelsons

Wednesday, January 15, 2003 at 05:03 PM (CST)
2 Corinthians 5:1-8
"For we know that if our earthly house, this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed with our habitation which is from heaven, if indeed, having been clothed, we shall not be found naked. For we who are in this tent groan, being burdened, not because we want to be unclothed, but further clothed, that mortality may be swallowed up by life. Now He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who also has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.
So we are always confident, knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord. For we walk by faith, not by sight. We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord."

At approximately 4:00 p.m. today Pastor Alvin and Nichelle Nelson embraced the passing of their daughter, Adrienne Nichelle Nelson into her heavenly home to be with Jesus Christ, our Lord.

Wednesday, January 15, 2003 at 09:15 AM (CST)
Adrienne needs prayer. She's in ICU. She has shunts in both sides of her brain. There's blood coming out of the shunts. The tumor is too close to the vital areas of her brain to remove surgically. Pray for the bleeding to stop. Pray for her to wake up. We need ALL your prayers. Tell her in the Spirit to wake up.

The Shunammite's Son Restored to Life
2 Kings 4:8 One day Elisha went to Shunem. And a well-to-do woman was there, who urged him to stay for a meal. So whenever he came by, he stopped there to eat. 9 She said to her husband, "I know that this man who often comes our way is a holy man of God. 10 Let's make a small room on the roof and put in it a bed and a table, a chair and a lamp for him. Then he can stay there whenever he comes to us."
11 One day when Elisha came, he went up to his room and lay down there. 12 He said to his servant Gehazi, "Call the Shunammite." So he called her, and she stood before him. 13 Elisha said to him, "Tell her, 'You have gone to all this trouble for us. Now what can be done for you? Can we speak on your behalf to the king or the commander of the army?' "
She replied, "I have a home among my own people."
14 "What can be done for her?" Elisha asked.
Gehazi said, "Well, she has no son and her husband is old."
15 Then Elisha said, "Call her." So he called her, and she stood in the doorway. 16 "About this time next year," Elisha said, "you will hold a son in your arms."
"No, my lord," she objected. "Don't mislead your servant, O man of God!"
17 But the woman became pregnant, and the next year about that same time she gave birth to a son, just as Elisha had told her.
18 The child grew, and one day he went out to his father, who was with the reapers. 19 "My head! My head!" he said to his father.
His father told a servant, "Carry him to his mother." 20 After the servant had lifted him up and carried him to his mother, the boy sat on her lap until noon, and then he died. 21 She went up and laid him on the bed of the man of God, then shut the door and went out.
22 She called her husband and said, "Please send me one of the servants and a donkey so I can go to the man of God quickly and return."
23 "Why go to him today?" he asked. "It's not the New Moon or the Sabbath."
"It's all right," she said.
24 She saddled the donkey and said to her servant, "Lead on; don't slow down for me unless I tell you." 25 So she set out and came to the man of God at Mount Carmel.
When he saw her in the distance, the man of God said to his servant Gehazi, "Look! There's the Shunammite! 26 Run to meet her and ask her, 'Are you all right? Is your husband all right? Is your child all right?' "
"Everything is all right," she said.
27 When she reached the man of God at the mountain, she took hold of his feet. Gehazi came over to push her away, but the man of God said, "Leave her alone! She is in bitter distress, but the LORD has hidden it from me and has not told me why."
28 "Did I ask you for a son, my lord?" she said. "Didn't I tell you, 'Don't raise my hopes'?"
29 Elisha said to Gehazi, "Tuck your cloak into your belt, take my staff in your hand and run. If you meet anyone, do not greet him, and if anyone greets you, do not answer. Lay my staff on the boy's face."
30 But the child's mother said, "As surely as the LORD lives and as you live, I will not leave you." So he got up and followed her.
31 Gehazi went on ahead and laid the staff on the boy's face, but there was no sound or response. So Gehazi went back to meet Elisha and told him, "The boy has not awakened."
32 When Elisha reached the house, there was the boy lying dead on his couch. 33 He went in, shut the door on the two of them and prayed to the LORD . 34 Then he got on the bed and lay upon the boy, mouth to mouth, eyes to eyes, hands to hands. As he stretched himself out upon him, the boy's body grew warm. 35 Elisha turned away and walked back and forth in the room and then got on the bed and stretched out upon him once more. The boy sneezed seven times and opened his eyes.
36 Elisha summoned Gehazi and said, "Call the Shunammite." And he did. When she came, he said, "Take your son." 37 She came in, fell at his feet and bowed to the ground. Then she took her son and went out.

A Girl Restored to Life and a Woman Healed
Mark 5:21 Now when Jesus had crossed over again by boat to the other side, a great multitude gathered to Him; and He was by the sea. 22And behold, one of the rulers of the synagogue came, Jairus by name. And when he saw Him, he fell at His feet 23and begged Him earnestly, saying, "My little daughter lies at the point of death. Come and lay Your hands on her, that she may be healed, and she will live." 24So Jesus went with him, and a great multitude followed Him and thronged Him.
25Now a certain woman had a flow of blood for twelve years, 26and had suffered many things from many physicians. She had spent all that she had and was no better, but rather grew worse. 27When she heard about Jesus, she came behind Him in the crowd and touched His garment. 28For she said, "If only I may touch His clothes, I shall be made well."
29Immediately the fountain of her blood was dried up, and she felt in her body that she was healed of the affliction. 30And Jesus, immediately knowing in Himself that power had gone out of Him, turned around in the crowd and said, "Who touched My clothes?"
31But His disciples said to Him, "You see the multitude thronging You, and You say, "Who touched Me?"'
32And He looked around to see her who had done this thing. 33But the woman, fearing and trembling, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell down before Him and told Him the whole truth. 34And He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace, and be healed of your affliction."
35While He was still speaking, some came from the ruler of the synagogue's house who said, "Your daughter is dead. Why trouble the Teacher any further?"
36As soon as Jesus heard the word that was spoken, He said to the ruler of the synagogue, "Do not be afraid; only believe." 37And He permitted no one to follow Him except Peter, James, and John the brother of James. 38Then He came to the house of the ruler of the synagogue, and saw a tumult and those who wept and wailed loudly. 39When He came in, He said to them, "Why make this commotion and weep? The child is not dead, but sleeping."
40And they ridiculed Him. But when He had put them all outside, He took the father and the mother of the child, and those who were with Him, and entered where the child was lying. 41Then He took the child by the hand, and said to her, "Talitha, cumi," which is translated, "Little girl, I say to you, arise." 42Immediately the girl arose and walked, for she was twelve years of age. And they were overcome with great amazement. 43But He commanded them strictly that no one should know it, and said that something should be given her to eat.

Call every prayer warrior you know. Tell them to pray for this anointed worship dancer for the Lord. Yesterday she told us she was not going anywhere. She told someone who was visiting that she wants to go to New York this summer.

Please! PRAY! PRAY! PRAY!

Wednesday, January 15, 2003 at 01:25 AM (CST)
Adrienne was moved to the ICU unit in the hospital this evening. She was having difficulty breathing and she has been placed on a respirator. At this time she is not reponding to anyone's voice. She is in pain and heavily sedated. Continue to pray without ceasing. Pray for the complete recovery for Adrienne. Pray for specific areas in the brain and spinal region. Pray against the spiritual wickness that is attacking her. Intercede like you have never done before.

Tuesday, January 14, 2003 at 08:54 PM (CST)
I just left the hospital with Adrienne under sedation with Tylenol with Codeine. Alvin call when I was almost home and said I needed to turn around and come back because she's not breathing well. Pray, Saints, we really need your prayers!

Nichelle

Tuesday, January 14, 2003 at 01:27 AM (CST)
This page has just been created. Please check back for additional updates.

Thank you for all the calls and emails. Thank you for your prayers. Let me update you.

On Saturday Adrienne was diagnosed with a brain tumor. This is pretty much all the information that we have at this point. She's getting the second part of a two part MRI done tomorrow and a biopsy on Friday.

Although we were initially very shocked at the diagnosis, we are encouraged by the fact that she has shown much improvement since we found out what has been making her so sick and that people have been calling her and visiting her. Since she was basically asleep for the past three weeks we are overjoyed to see her eating and talking. She is such a "people" person that calls and visits bring life into her like adding water to a wilted plant.

Of course we don't want her to be overwhelmed, so for those who can call or come by the hospital, please only do so between the hours of 9 am and 9 pm so that we are not overwhelmed. You may want to call before you visit to make sure it will be a good time.

Please check this page often so that we do not have to repeat the same information over and over again. We will be expecting family and friends who DO have access to a computer to disseminate information to those family members and friends who do not. This will also be a blessing to us. Remember that Adrienne has many friends in many parts of the world. It takes a lot of time to repeat the same information over and over.

We know many of you want to know the background of the onset of her illness. We will create a different Journal Entry for that sometime soon.

Again, thank you in advance for your prayers.

Click here to go back to the main page.

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