Journal

June 9, 2009

This picture is for you, Alexia. You must be so proud!

We miss you more than ever...



May 28, 2009

Eighteen months ago Heaven welcomed a very special little Angel and we said goodbye to our sweet Alexia.

We miss Alexia dearly and many things, every day, remind us of her.

Last Saturday we celebrated Martina's (our niece) 2nd birthday and we couldn't help but thinking of Alexia's 2nd birthday. Alexia had just miracously survived sepsis, emergency surgery, respiratory distress and a month on a respirator. It was just two weeks since she had been released from Hospital and a few days since she had just managed to walk again after being in a coma for 4 weeks. But no one could have guessed that all these had just happened to Alexia when you saw her jumping with joy while she opened the door to Barney, while she asked for the tenth time to have her two candles lit so she could blow them again...
Click HERE to watch ALEXIA'S 2ND BIRTHDAY VIDEO

Our admiration for our daughter's strength, resilence and joy of life grows with every day that we gain perspective on what she went through and on how bravely she fought it.

We love you so much, Alexia, our Princess warrior!

Sofi, Mati, Gonchi, Mummy and Daddy



May 5, 2009

Matias and Gonzalo Vidaguren Castaneda were born!!

Today at 5pm, Ursula gave birth to our twin boys Matias and Gonzalo!!!

Matias weighed 2.7kg and Gonzalo 2.4kg and they are both doing well. They were a couple of week premature, so they are spending sometime in NICU, but everything is under control.

Ursula is also doing well, despite feeling sore from the C-section. We are all very proud of her!

The birth of our boys was definitively a very emotional event. On the one hand, the joy of witnessing (by duplicate) the begining of life. That cry of life that babies give when they come out of the womb is one of the greatest things in life. I can still remember when Alexia did that over 5 years ago...

On the other hand, the realization that children's life is a gift that us parents must cherish every day, because it is something finite. This was the first time I was able to grasp the true meaning of this.

We know that Alexia shares our joy from Above and that she is watching over her brothers, her sister Sofi and over us. However, how much do we miss having her here with us!!

In love, peace and gratitude,

^Alexia^, Sofia, Matias, Gonzalo, Ursula and Ignacio


April 12, 2009

Happy Easter to all of you!

Today we went to Easter Mass to Hospital Austral's chapel (the Hospital where we treated Alexia). As we were exiting, it was dark and Sofia started looking at the stars. She said "Look! That is Alexia's star!", and then she screamed "Hola Alexia!". She continued her dialogue with her sister, at the top of her lungs: "I miss you! Why did you have to die?... I love you, Alexia!!". She repeated that a couple of times. Witnessing that was breaking my heart, but Sofi didn't look sad, she was kind of "factual".

We then drove home and, as we got out of the car there, I told her that we could see the stars from there as well. Sofi looked up and then at me, and said: "Daddy, I can't scream loud enough for Alexia to hear me here. It is too far away. She is closer by in the Hospital grounds". Sometimes I wish I could have the same simple and candid way to experience things as kids do...

Ursula is doing well. She is starting week #33 and the twins seem to be very comfortable in her huge belly. She is not as comfortable as you can all imagine, but she is doing a great job!

We moved a few weeks ago. With the sudden increase in family size, we needed some more room. We got some help from Alexia and were able to find a nice house only 5 blocks away from our previous home, in the same community where we live. All the basics are in place, so we can now wait for the arrival of the twins, which should happen in the next 4-6 weeks (hoping that they don't get too anxious!).

Thank you for always being there for us!

Love,

Sofia, Ursula & Ignacio


February 28, 2009

Another month goes by since Alexia went to Heaven. It's been already 15.

Ursula's pregnancy is going well; her belly is huge even when she should go for another 12 weeks. The twins definitively take some room! She feels the weight and size of it, but is handling it very well. Sofi is looking forward to her brothers and is a great help. It's amazing how fast she is growing and maturing!

The summer vacation in Panama was great! We all enjoyed the beach very much, and specially Sofi. We also went to Tandil and spent a few days in our family's farm.

A few days ago it was my birthday. We threw a little party with friends, the first one in 5 years. It was good, but I couldn't stop thinking about my last birthday with Alexia. It was the day we arrived in Duke the second time around. Alexia had just relapsed for the 3rd time, wasn't going into remission and was feeling quite bad. However, when time came of lighting my candles, Alexia gathered the little energy she had left, smiled and together with Sofi and Ursula, helped me blow them.

I still wish every day that Alexia were here with us, physically. We feel her presence and her protection, though. This past birthday, when Sofi and Ursula helped me blow the candles, I knew that Alexia was right there, over my shoulder, smiling and helping me once more.

Thanks for always checking on us and leaving your messages!

Love, Ignacio


January 14, 2009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN, MY SWEET ANGEL WARRIOR!!!

Today you would be 5 years old... what a milestone! It is so bittersweet to try to celebrate your life and not have you here with us at the same time. But we try to do our best. Sofi and I baked you a special cake, with pink sprinkles on top! Your cousin Martina came with Marina & Freddy to help us blow out the candles! Oh, how you loved to help me in the kitchen... even though you never liked the eating part;) I remember how you helped me sprinkle all the cupcakes we baked for Sofi's 2nd birthday party a year and a half ago. You had so much fun!!! Your little sis is also a great helper. She LOVES to watch and help. She is going to be a great cook!

In the afternoon, we went to the movies to watch "Raton Perez", which Sofi has been wanting to see for a long time:) Sitting in the movie theatre it dawned upon me that the only time we were able to take you to a movie was to watch "Ratatouille" way back in Durham. And here we were on your birthday watching a mouse/rat movie again;)

I want to thank all our friends and family for the messages and phone calls remembering our Princess Warrior, as we make it through yet another milestone without her. It means so much to have you think about her as we continue to keep her memory alive while missing her deeply with our hearts and souls.

On a different personal note, and since many of you have asked, my belly is getting huge. The twin boys are growing fast inside and are doing great! I am now 20 weeks pregnant.

Sofi and I are leaving for Panama tomorrow morning to spend a few weeks at the beach visiting my parents. Ignacio will join us next week;) I can't wait to see the ocean.

With love, U.

December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all our friends and relatives!!!

Even when is still tough to celebrate Christmas without Alexia, she has made sure that we have as good a celebration as it can be.

We will be having both our families over for dinner tonite. We have been blessed by Ursula's pregnancy with two boys. Sofi is doing very well, growing and enjoying life to the fullest (as her sister taught her to do), remembering Alexia in a very positive way.

Ursula and I are happy to see that things are evolving this way. We still miss Alexia very much and this will always be the case. But we see the light in our lives shining stronger and stronger every day. Sofi, ^Alexia^ and the twins are the main reasons behind this. Also, our families and many friends like you -who have been supporting us for so long, help us go on.

Thank you so much for everything! We always pray for all of you, and having Alexia as our ambassador in Heaven, we know that God is listening!

Love and peace,

^Alexia^, Sofia, Ursula, the twins & Ignacio


December 8, 2008

Dear Friends,

First, and foremost, THANK YOU to our friends and family who continue to stand by our side and have written, called, and emailed during these last couple of days (and past year) as we continue to miss our sweet Princess Warrior, Alexia. One year ago, Alexia became an angel and our life was forever changed. And exactly one year ago today, we buried Alexia’s ashes in Argentina with friends and family from all over the world who joined us.

This past year has been the most difficult so far. They say time heals all wounds, well, I don't believe it heals THIS kind of wound. We are learning to live without her physical presence, and not a day goes by without remembering her sweet smile, amazing laugh, and those eyes. For me, it has been unbelievably emotional to be blessed with a pregnancy (new life inside of me) and at the same time living the loss of another one, forever wondering why innocent children must suffer and die.

The more time goes by, the harder it gets in many ways. The longer it’s been since I was last able to hug her and snuggle togeter (like we did ALOT), the longer it’s been since the last kiss, the longer it’s been since hearing her last laugh. The list goes on forever. Her legacy continues as each day we remember her strength and the furor with which she fought.

On November 28th, Father Tomas held a mass in Alexia’s honor. He spoke beautifully about our Princess Warrior, and at the end Ignacio shared a letter he had written to Alexia. It was impossible to not cry for me during the entire event. I will translate the letter and share it with those who were not able to join us.

Thank you once again!
Love, U.

(Following is the letter written by Ignacio):

Dear Alexia,
One year ago you became an angel and went to Heaven. To say that we miss you a lot does not really say how much we really feel your physical absence. Not a day goes by without thinking of you. The moments are endless in which your mommy & I think about what you would have said, what you would have done, how you would have laughed… we can only imagine those moments.

The few times in which I have gathered the strength to watch videos of you, your absence is felt too strongly. To remember your voice, your laugh, your happiness to be alive… Little by little we will try to do it with more joy than pain, but we still got ways to go.

In spite of missing you physically, we always feel your spiritual presence. Your little sister, Sofi, makes sure to include you in her play games, in her family drawings, and in reminding us of things the 4 of us did together. Your room, your toys, your pictures are everywhere. Personally, I feel our family is protected by you! It is really a privilege for us to have our own little Angel in Heaven, who looks after each one of us, and stands before God and the Virgen Mary in our names. In fact, I pray more to you than to them…

And what about the Twins!!! I am sure you had something to do with that, and you must be laughing from above watching us enjoy the news, while at the same time being a little anxious of having to take care of 2 babies at the same time! But what gives us comfort is knowing we have your spiritual support and having Sofi who will also help us with the chores.

Alexia, time will give more perspective to what you taught us during your brief but intense passage thru this life; To take advantage of each moment, to live life with happiness and intensity, to always look at the bright side of things, even when surrounded by a sea of problems… It also shows us each time how many good people there are in this world. Many thanks to the family and friends who have helped and supported us, who still offer their help and support today. Many more who continue to think about us from many far away places in the world.

To continue in Alexia’s spirit, we would like to share with you that we have created “Alexia, the Princess Warrior Foundation”, with the goal of helping and supporting children and their families battling against leukemia and other cancers. We will soon give more details, and ask for your generous support to complete our mission.

My dear Alexia, one year since you left, thank you for helping us move forward. We know that without your help with Above, this year would have been even far more difficult. We love you very much and we know that we will see you again some day!


Alexia, The Princess Warrior Foundation

We have set up the foundation in the US, with the purpose of continuing Alexia's spirit and memory with concrete actions.

The foundation will support a broad array of initiatives aiming at supporting children fighting against cancer and their families. This includes: improving the medical equipment and living conditions of Hospitals (mainly in Latin America), supporting training of doctors and nurses, supporting certain research efforts and helping the needs of families of children with cancer.

Our fist goal is to donate materials, toys, games and appliances to Hospital Austral -where Alexia was treated in Argentina- so that the many kids that are treated and transplanted there (and their families) can enjoy better hospital stays.

We will be setting up a website with more information, but in case you want to make a tax-deductible contribution, this is the Foundation's bank account:
Bank of America
Alexia, The Princess Warrior Foundation
account #8980 1393 0382
ABA 063000047
Miami, Fl

We thank you in advance for your generosity, and please, email us with questions and suggestions on how to get this effort off the ground!

Love,
Ursula & Ignacio


November 18, 2008

Dear Friends,

On November 28th it will be 1 year since Alexia entered Heaven.

We will celebrate her life with a Mass at Martindale Country Club Chapel, on Friday November 28th at 7:30pm.

We invite our friends and family to join us, either being there or saying a prayer on Alexia's memory. We will serve some empanadas at our home, afterwards.

Updating on the pregnancy, the twins are growing as expected. Ursula is still suffering from strong morning sickness, although she's had a few better days.

Sofi had her Kindergarden concert last Friday and she did a terrific job, dancing and singing (in English) in front of a huge crowd! She definitively enjoys performing. We are very proud of her! Abuelos Ali and Coco were there as well.

Thank you so much for all your messages and for sharing our happiness!!

Love,

^Alexia^, Sofia, Ursula & Ignacio



October 28, 2008

Dear Friends,

Today it's 11 months since Alexia left.

This time around, we have very special news to share: Ursula is pregnant!! And we think that Alexia has been particularly involved in this, since Ursula is expecting twins!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are very excited with the news (not to mention some "anxiety" given that it is two babies at once!). Ursula is having quite severe morning sickness; she says that it is twice as strong as in her previous pregnancies! We all hope that she feels better soon. Sofi is aware that Mummy carries a baby in her belly, and she knows it's two. She says that she will look after them, not without a hint of hesitation!

We miss Alexia very much. We know that she is sharing our happiness in Heaven, but it is hard not to think what things would be like if she were still here with us.

Thank you very much for all your support, prayers and love! You have been with us through rough times and we are happy that we can now share great news with you.

Love,

^Alexia^, Sofia, Ursula & Ignacio


September 30, 2008

Dear Friends,

This new "monthlyverssary" of Alexia's departure has been particularly special. We are writing this posting from Durham, North Carolina.

Ursula and I spent a few vacation days in NYC and it was great. We spent great quality time together while Sofi stayed in Argentina with abuelos Ali and Coco (thank you so much!). We saw some friends and enjoyed the City, its energy and its restaurants.

We also decided to come to Durham to pay a brief visit to our friends Valeria and Gonzalo, whom we hadn't seen after their daughter Sofia passed away. Coming to Durham has been tough. Ursula was here in June, but it is my first time since we left in December. It fells really ackward to be driving around the area without Alexia. Memories are everywhere, and Durham equals Alexia.

Durham also reminds us of all the good things that Alexia left for us. We are meeting with many friends from Duke Hospital: Dr K, Andre, Sue and several of our favorite nurses. We are sharing stories about our girls with Valeria and Gonzalo. We are re-living some of the happy moments that we had with Alexia and Sofi here. We are reminded of all the love that Alexia was able to gather from many people around the world.

We miss Alexia a lot, and in Durham we miss her even more. But here is where we can see Alexia's legacy in the most clear way, and this makes us proud. It is still a sad pride, but we know that Ale is helping us from above so one day, we are able to turn it into a truly happy pride.

Thank you very much for your support, love, postings and prayers!

Love,

Ursula & Ignacio


August 28, 2008

Dear Friends,

Another month goes by without Alexia. It's been 9 months already...

We miss her everyday and often wonder what she would do or say in a certain circumstance if she were still around. Alexia continues to be present in our lives; Sofi makes sure that her sister is always in her plays and her imagination.

Ursula and I took a week off and went to Las Lenas -a ski resort in Argentina. We had a great time together spending our first "alone" vacation since Alexia was born.Sofi stayed at home with Abuelos Coco and Ali and she had a great time with them as well.

Slowly, the three of us are trying to rebuild our lives without Alexia. I have always admired Alexia's cheerful personality: she was always smiling and living her life to the fullest, even when things were really tough on her. We know that she wants that we also smile and live our lives to the fullest, and that, from Heaven, she is helping us achieve this.

Love, Ignacio


August 18, 2008

Dear Friends,

I know I haven't updated in a long while... but I wanted to ask you to please pray for our friends Valeria & Gonzalo Castro. Their little daughter, Sofia, earned her angel wings last nite. She fought a brave war against leukemia for a long time.

We became close to this amazing family during Alexia's first transplant, as neighbors and very special friends through the two years we were at Duke. Sofia relapsed last year and was able to keep her blasts "under control" for about a year. A miracle, to say the least. She reminded me soooo much of Alexia. It breaks my heart for Valeria & Gonzalo as they now feel the same pain we live with everyday. I know the are strong, and they will be okay, but it still breaks my heart.

I'm so glad I was able to visit them in May with my Sofia during our brief trip to Durham. Seeing Valeria, Gonzalo, and especially Sofia Castro was our main purpose of going there. I know some people might have thought it was strange for me to want to go back to Durham after Alexia, but the reality is that I felt close to Alexia while there. It hurt, but sometimes you want to feel the pain to keep the memory alive.

Thank you for listening.

Love, U.

August 5th, 2008

Dear Friends,

About one year ago, the four of us started the best two and a half months ever. Ironically, Alexia had just had her 3rd and last relapse.

We had lifted up all restrictions, and for once, Alexia, Sofi, Ursula and I were able to enjoy life in the way that families typically do. We went to the movies, we went out for lunch and dinner, we rode horses, we had fun at the carousel, we played with our little cousin Martina, we went inside a shopping mall, we played with other kids and families...

It's good that we were able to build those memories. It's really hard that they are all we have left. No matter what comes in the future, those moments of the four of us together will only happen again in our imagination.

Sofi speaks daily of Alexia. In the last month or so, she has started playing with "Alexia de mentira" (imaginary Alexia), and she pretends that she walks holding hands with Alexia, she pretends that she hugs her, and she wants us to also pretend that Alexia is here with us. Every now and then, Sofi reminds us that "the real Alexia" is in fact in Heaven, and she says so with smile in her face. I guess Sofi knows that Alexia is living a happy life in Heaven and she enjoys that.

I also know that Alexia is living a happy life in Heaven, but I can only wish I could also enjoy that. I still miss her too much...

Thanks to everyone for checking on us and for leaving your messages!

Love,
Ignacio



June 30th, 2008

Dear Friends,

Winter time has come upon us in Argentina. This is kind of a new feeling, given that we hadn't been here for the last two winters.

Even so, we still miss Alexia very much. Her presence goes beyond seasons, temperature or leaves' colors.

We are fortunate to have Sofi with us. She warms and lightens up our days! Alexia continues to be part of her daily games and our nightly prayers.

A few days ago, we celebrated Sofi's 3rd birthday with a lot of friends and family members. She had a blast!

Ursula had prepared a beautiful "animal" theme and lots of food. This is a picture before everyone arrived:



The day after the party, we went to see Alexia. Sofi released several baloons for her. Coincidentally, it was also Father's day. Lots of mixed feelings...

Two days ago, it was 7 months since Alexia went to Heaven. I put together some pictures in honor of Alexia that I want to share with you:



Thanks so much for always being there!

With love and gratitude, and missing Alexia,

Ignacio



June 8th, 2008

Happy Birthday, Ursula!!

Dear Alexia,

Yesterday, we celebrated Mummy's birthday.

We went out for lunch and then visited your grave. Sofi left some pretty flowers for you. We know how much you enjoy birthdays and that you shared the whole day with us!

Also, Mamama and Papapa were there with us, having arrived from Panama to spend a few days in Buenos Aires.

Sofia's birthday is coming and we are preparing a big party for her. She continues to talk about you everyday; a couple of days ago she even told me: "Daddy, I miss Alexia". It's amazing how Sofi is able to express her feelings about you, and fortunately, almost always it is in a positive way!

This is your gift for Mummy: a sample of how much you loved her, always!



We miss you very much. Thank you for always watching over us!!

Love, Daddy


May 28, 2008

Six months ago today…

My Sweet Princess,

Not a day goes by where we don’t talk about you, and remember your amazing smile. Your little sister is growing up so fast… she LOVES watching mini videos of you stored on my computer, and at least once a day asks to watch them. She also likes to include you in her nonstop conversations!

I love you with all my heart and my life is just not whole without you.

Your Mommy

To all our Friends,

We have been traveling all month long. We returned from NYC & Durham last week. Sofia had fun with her Uncles Pepe & Juancho in the Big Apple, and we also got to see some friends. We then made a quick stop in Durham to see our friends, Valeria & Gonzalo Castro, and especially their daughter, Sofia. They were our neighbors during our years in Durham with Alexia, and many of you already know that Sofia’s leukemia returned and cannot be cured by traditional medicine.

Many might wonder why we would ever go back… for me, North Carolina will always be a special place. We have wonderful memories with Alexia there. And many amazing friends. Even though we did not get to see all the people we had planned on seeing (my Sofia got sick with a nonstop cough), we plan to return next year in honor of Alexia for the Rainbow of Heroes Walk in May. (By the way, a HUGE thank you to all those who donated in honor of Team Alexia the Princess Warrior this year!)

We are now in Miami and will be returning to Argentina next week… My mother joined Sofi and I for a week so we've been quite busy.

Thank you for your continued support and love!

With love, U.



May 18, 2008

Dear Alexia,

Yesterday, it was your cousin Martina's 1st birthday! She had a beautiful birthday party, with many children, friends and family.

You would have loved the party: a large inflatable castle, a pinata, lots of toys and obviously, your favorite: blowing the candle! Martina enjoyed it very much and she was even trying her first steps.

We missed you very much even though we know that you were there. We also missed Sofi and Mummy, who are in Durham visiting many of our friends there, after a few days in NYC with Uncles Juancho and Pepe.

A memory of the good times you spent with Martina

I love you very much!!

Papi


May 11, 2008

Dear Alexia,

Today we are celebrating Mother's Day. We miss you so much, even though we can feel you taking part in the celebration from Heaven.

I know how much you love Mummy and how grateful you are for all that she has done for you, for Sofi and for myself. We are very fortunate to have Ursula as Mummy!

We are in Miami, after spending a great week in California. We got to see many friends and their families, from all over the world. Sofi had a great time, as all of our friends had daughters! We want to specially thank our friends Connie and Joaquin and their wornderful 3 daughters for hosting us in the Bay Area! We missed you, Alexia, very much, thinking how much you would have enjoyed each moment, but on the other hand, we felt your presence and company all along the trip.

I'm heading back to Argentina tonight, while Sofi and Ursula will stay in Miami a little longer, including escapes to NYC and to Durham, NC.

We want to wish a happy Mother's Day to all Mums, and especially to my Mum Ali, to Mamama Vicky and to Aunt Mari!!

Thanks so much to all our friends for your continuous support!

Love,

Ignacio


April 28, 2008

5 months in Heaven...

Seems like only yesterday I was with my Princess Warrior in clinic hearing her laughter and making silly video clips on my computer.



I miss you SOOOOOOOO very much, Princess.

April 27, 2008

Dear Friends,

I know many of you have asked for me to post pictures of Sofi, to see how she is doing. Today I will post some of my favorite pictures of Alexia throughout her fight against cancer. Followed by a few pictures of Sofi all grown up;)

This is another one of my favorites... I MISS that SMILE!

Being silly with mom:

And those EYES:


And now I will post some pictures taken in the last two months.

This is how we celebrated Ignacio's birthday in February:


Sofi's 1st day of "pre-school":


LOVING her riding class:


Thank you for letting me share our Princess Warrior and her little sister with you all!

Love, U.


April 23, 2008


Dear Friends,

Even though this year we will be unable to personally attend the Rainbow of Heroes Walk at Duke NEXT weekend, please remember the importance of this event for the Family Support Program at Duke. We will continue our tradition to raise funds for team Alexia the Princess Warrior in honor of Alexia. You can read about all the amazing things this program does for transplant kids and their families by clicking on Rainbow of Heroes Walk homepage or donate directly by clicking on Rainbow of Heroes Walk donation. (Make sure you click on "Alexia the Princess Warrior" team.)

The Walk is on May 3!

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love, U.

p.s. Pictures of Sofi coming soon;) Also pics of Alexia that I've never posted before:)

April 21st, 2008

My dear Alexia,

Last Saturday, Aunt Luciana and Pablo got married in Tandil. Luli (as you always called her) was beautiful in her white gown, and the celebration was amazing!!

Sofi walked up the Church aisle together with Martina and Pablo's cousins, just before Luli and Abuelo Coco. Sofi acted as the little Princess she is, walking straight and with elegance while hundreds of people were watching her. I know that there was a little angel, a brave sister, showing her the way and giving her courage! We all felt your presence throughout the celebrations!

There were many people at the party. Even Mamama and Papapa had flown in from Panama to be with Luli, Pablo, Ali, Coco and the rest of the family and friends.

Mommy and Sofi were also beautiful in their party dresses. I even got to dance the waltz with Sofi, just the same way we used to do it together, and she loved it, just as much as you did!

Alexia, we missed you very, very much at the wedding. When Luli and Pablo announced their engagement about a year ago, your Mommy and I kept our hope high thinking about how much you were going to enjoy the wedding when the time came. Even though it wasn't in the way we had hoped for, you got to be part of and enjoy the celebration. Luli and Pablo showed several pictures of you and I shared two brief videos of you joking around with both of them. They are your gift to them. They are also a gift to all of us, and yet, other examples of your courage, your spirit and your joy of life.





In a few days, Sofi, Mommy and I will be traveling to California for my 10- year reunion at Stanford. I know that you will be there with us as well, as it will always be the case.

Thank you for being my inspiration and source of strength, every day. For being my Alexia, the Princess Warrior.

I love you and I miss you,

Daddy

PS: Thank you very much to everyone for your messages, prayers and support!!


March 28, 2008

My Sweet Princess,

Four months today. I went to visit your burial site yesterday just in case it would be too hard to go today. I don't know why "dates" are so hard. I saw butterflies around the fountain while I was there. It was beautiful and peaceful to watch.

When I get too sad, words are even harder to come by. Just wanted to share something I received today:

"People will forget what you said,
People will forget what you did,
But people will never forget how you made them feel."
-Maya Angelou

Thank YOU, Princess, for making me feel life.

I love you, Mommy

March 19, 2008

Dear Friends,

I wanted to make an update before the Easter Holidays arrived upon us. I have mentioned before how hard it has been for me to write about our grief and put into words my feelings, which I believe, are much stronger than words could ever express. I do want to thank everyone that continues to pray for Alexia and our family. I will not even try to explain the myriad of feelings that continue to be part of our daily life. Instead I will try to update a little bit on what been going on in our lives... I try very hard to stay positive, and busy… very busy. I still struggle with little things like keeping up with incoming e-mail, and answering back, as well as writing out thank you cards. Those things, I am failing miserably.

There are a few things, though, that we have been doing that keep us going. For one, we enrolled Sofia in “school” and she loves it! She started 3 weeks ago, and despite the fact that it was bittersweet for me (since Alexia never got to go), I found a kindergarten school very close to home which I truly love. It is literally 4 minutes away by car! She goes every afternoon for a couple of hours to play, paint, sing, etc. with a group of five 2-3 year olds. She even had a friend from her class over at our house one day to play with after school! She is growing up so fast and we are enjoying every second with her. We continue to keep Alexia’s memory alive with her by sharing stories and always mentioning something Alexia did to make us laugh or say. Sofia continues to ask to watch some of Alexia’s mini video clips from my camera, and some when Sofia was a baby and Alexia used to kiss her many times. They are precious memories.

We are also trying to make new memories for Sofia to have as well. She started horseback riding lessons two weeks ago and loves it! She gets to ride on a horse led by a rope with an instructor and with a group of kids her age every Saturday and Sunday. She was so proud her first day, making sure Ignacio and I watched her the entire time. Very, very cute! As for me, I started Pilates again 3 times a week (after 3 years of doing nothing). I also plan to start yoga again. The yoga part I will start after the Easter weekend and I’m very much looking forward to it. And most importantly, I do want to start running again. It has been way too long since that. I know running will be good for me, it’s just taking me too long to get started again. It will all help me to stay busy, busy, busy;)

This week, we also did something we have been working on for the past month. We transferred Alexia’s ashes from Jardin de Paz (original burial site) to Memorial. Memorial is a burial place much closer to our home and where I found a place for Alexia’s ashes next to a water fountain (with angels), and under beautiful trees behind a colonial chapel. There is also a bench nearby to sit if you wish. It’s hard enough going to your baby’s burial site, so I wanted something more “special” for her. I think watching the water fountain next to her burial site with the angels gives me more peace now. Even though I knew it would be hard to place the ashes again in the soil, I felt it was something we had to do.

We will be traveling to Tucuman (northern part of Argentina) for the Easter weekend to visit a very special friend I met many years ago when we first moved to Buenos Aires. It should be a beautiful trip and we are very much looking forward to it. We will also get to see our other Tucuman friends who live here but will also be flying to Tucuman for the holiday weekend.

Ignacio and I have been lucky to be surrounded by many friends and family members, and have started to attend a few social gatherings. We even attended another wedding this past weekend. It was a beautiful day wedding, and Sofia got to go and dance the day (and evening) away. She loves to dance! (Just like Alexia used to love it!) I got to see my good friend from Peru whom I haven't seen in 6 years and her entire family. (Her brother got married with an Argentine girl). It was very nice for me to be able to attend.

Wishing everyone a safe holiday weekend!

Lots of love, U.

p.s. I miss you SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much, Princess!!!!

Thursday, February 28, 2008

A special treat: one of my favorite pictures of Alexia. (I don't think I've shared it before.) This was taken on July 2005. Sofia had been born two weeks before and Alexia had just finished the roughest part of her treatment. Those EYES...! I will never forget those eyes.



Wednesday, February 27, 2008

"When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future." - Anonymous

"Children are not supposed to die...Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind...This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection." - Arnold and Gemma 1994, iv, 9, 39

As they also say, we are not getting over our grief (one never really does), instead we are trying to find ways to get through our grief one day at a time. I am often asked how I’m doing. I have good days, and I have not so good days. The not so good days are actually pretty bad, but somehow I manage to make it. I try to keep busy alot.

On the outside, I am trying to make things as normal as possible for Sofia. Our "new" normal is actually very different than anything we experienced before as a family. A piece of our family is missing, a very BIG piece, and that hole is felt everywhere. Even the simple task of driving alone in the car reminds me that one car seat is missing. As Sofia swings away in the backyard (one of her favorite things to do everyday), one swing is empty. The list is endless, and my grief for the loss of my Princess Warrior will be with me until the end of my journey on this earth.

I actually don’t ever want that pain to go away. The pain I feel keeps me close to Alexia, and reminds me everyday of her journey with us. I especially miss her laughter and her smile. And all those little things about Alexia that made her so special. Her memory is alive and vivid in my heart, and I was honored to be her mother.

Tomorrow will be three months since Alexia went to Heaven. They have been the hardest months in my life.

I love you, Princess!

Love to all, U.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

One year ago, Ursula and I made the decision to move back to Durham to try to give Alexia a chance for a second transplant, as she wasn't achieving remission.

Throughout Alexia's fight, we tried to stay focused on doing our best to support Alexia and give her the best possible chances to defeat cancer. This focus, together with Alexia's strength, resilence and joy of life, helped us move forward without paying much attention to some of the side effects that the fight was having on Alexia.

Now, by just observing how Sofia is evolving and growing up, we realize how much harder it was for Alexia and how many "normal things for a kid her age" she missed. However, we have no regrets. On the contrary, we are happy that we were able to get the extra time with her, and enjoy her company, her laughter and her love.

We miss Alexia dearly. The three of us are working on getting back into a new, more "normal" routine. Sometimes this helps, sometimes it doesn't.

We think that Sofia also had a hard time realizing we were back home from our trip and that Alexia was no longer with us. As soon as we arrived, Sofi started asking why Alexia didn't live in our home. After a few days, she stopped mentioning Alexia with the same frequency as before, in which she acted quite weird. Probably, it was her reaction to so many changes, including the realization about her sister not being here with us.

Lately, Sofia has been mentioning Alexia more and more, in a more natural way, and always highlighting the fact that she is in Heaven, playing with the Angels. We've gone to visit her grave, and Sofia has released baloons for her.

Ursula and I have been able to start watching some mini videos of Alexia taken from our digital camara. At the begining it was imposible. Now, it is still painful but we treasure hearing her voice and feeling as if she still were among us.

Thanks for all your messages, prayers and support! We know that Alexia, Sofi and your support will help us navigate these first, more difficult times, until when we can truly honor Alexia's memory.

Love, Ignacio



Sunday, January 27, 2008

Dear Friends,

Tomorrow marks Alexia's two-month "Angel-versary". I came across this poem and wanted to share it. Even though it brought tears to my eyes, it did manage to bring me a smile at the End.

“My Mom Lies”

- Author Unknown

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies
She never did before.
From now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say, "I'm alright".
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see
nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I’m well, I'm coping".
For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth
just say your heart is broken.


She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am Here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.


On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, “You’re lucky to get in here, Mom
With all the lies you told!"



Thursday, January 24, 2008

Dear Friends,

I have been failing miserably at updating our life without Alexia in this journal. Just writing those words brings tears to my eyes. Ignacio has made a few posts, and I did actually manage to write a long update on Alexia's birthday but due to a computer error it was erased and I lost it all. It was too hard to rewrite it again (hence the short message on that day), so here I am almost two weeks later attempting to share a bit of what's going on again...

As you all know, we are back in Argentina. I knew coming back here would be hard, but you never imagine how hard it's going to be until you actually walk thru the house, the yard, and the neighborhood again realizing how much you miss Alexia and how much you desire to hold her again. People always say time will help heal us, but I don't believe this to be true. Your soul is left with an empty hole that will never be able to be filled again. Yes, I believe you can fill your heart again with new memories, happy memories, but the void will always be there. We do try to keep her memory alive by talking about Alexia, sharing stories with Sofia about her sister and all the little things she did to bring joy into our lifes.

Yes, Sofia is a blessed distraction but it does not make the pain any easier to bear. It does force us to get out of bed everyday, though, and make life as normal as can be for her (and for us, obviously). I found out today that there is a Summer Camp in the Club House for the 2-3 year olds that live in our neighborhood. So sure enough Sofia will likely start next week. (She is still getting over her cold so she hasn't started yet... she is still coughing a bit but no longer has fevers.) We all actually ended up getting really sick but I think it was bound to happen.

In other news, we picked up Gypsie (our dear yellow lab)from a very special person who was taking care of her all this time we were away. Thank you so much, Silvia, for taking such good care of our baby! Sofia is THRILLED, to say the least, of having Gypsie back in the house! So are we:)

Well, today I have two things to share. First, it's a song I love listening to (and I'm sure many of you have heard it)... but here is the video anyways for entertainment purposes only;) It truly describes how one feels when they "Can Only Imagine" (by Mercy Me).



Second, we met many AMAZING nurses and doctors and friends during Alexia's journey. I want to share with you what Sue (her "personal" Nurse Practitioner wrote in her honor and framed for us) in the most special frame with a picture of an elephant at the bottom of the frame (Alexia and Sue always played together and Alexia would show Sue her tummy so she could listen to her during clinic visits, and tell her that an elephant was living there...) Alexia would laugh histerically and her laughter would be contagious.

Anyways, this is what Sue wrote and framed for us in honor of Alexia:

Alexia... the WARRIOR PRINCESS

"According to Wikipedia (that's for you Ursula), the warrior princess is a strong female personality of royal background, determined in pursuit of her goals. Her prowess usually exceeds what she would be capable of in real life. Princess Leia in Star Wars was an example of a warrior princess who helped the rebel team destroy the dark side. She was beautiful and sweet... much like Alexia.

Alexia is certainly a warrior princess who has fought the dark side of this terrible disease. For 3 years, she fought internal battles with a courageous spirit and a zest for life. Some warrior princesses are evil and kill and destroy things around them leaving behind a trail of destruction. Alexia, however, won over the hearts of her "people" as special princesses do and led her "team" in waging this war against the bad cells. No warrior princess is capable of success without the support of her "team", a family that extends across generations and miles with unconditional love. Alexia's name means "defender or helper of mankind" in Hebrew. She has truly lived up to her given name. For she has helped each of us to understand the true meaning of life: to live each day to the fullest, to love family uncoditionally and say "I Love You" 100 times a day, to give lots of kisses, to laugh, to smile, and to persevere in the face of trials in our lives. And although there are many questions we do not understand, there are some things we do know without a doubt. One, that Alexia the warrior princess had her pink foam crown in clinic... I know because I have one Alexia made for me... but now she has a crown of gold. Secondly, that the time she spent with all of us has left an indelible mark across many nations and upon many hearts. We had the blessing to have our paths crossed by a sweet and precious yound lady, by true royalty, by a warrior princess." by Sue 12-1-07

Thank you, Sue for allowing me to share this tribute you made in honor of Alexia. And thank you to all the friends who continue to check up on our Princess Warrior and hold us close to their hearts.

Love, U.