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4/4/97 - 11/20/02
Welcome family, friends and newcomers to Ashley's web page. We have started this journal to keep everyone updated on Ashley's fight with Neuroblastoma.
She was diagnosed at 26mths of age with Stage IV, completed chemo by January 2000, transplant March 2000 and was clean for 16mths. At the age of 4 in July of 2001 she relapsed. Nov. 20/2002 she passed into Jesus's loving arms. She will be deeply and forever missed.
GOD'S PROMISE:
God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow or sun without rain.
But God did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and a light for the way.
And for all who believe in his kingdom above, he answers their faith with everlasting love.
author unknown
Journal
Tuesday, November 20, 2007 1:08 AM EST Dearest little Ashley,
So babe, it’s been 5 years today that you left our arms… wow… 5 years is such a long time that it’s really hard to believe its been that long… Memories of that night have been flooding back in… Danielle and I were actually talking about it just yesterday and I was explaining to her why my steering wheel is so worn… Those reality checks that I would get while driving… Those oh so beyond painful reality checks… Feeling like being smacked with a 2 x 4 is the only way I could ever describe it… Those reality checks have now finally dimmed and reality is more constant but not as painful… Just always knowing now that it is real and a little more at peace with it all. We’ll never ever be totally at peace that you are in Heaven and that we have to do without you here but our lives have continued and we are managing to look like a normal family and live like a normal family. Are we normal, no… never will be… We will all be forever changed somehow, someway by having had you in our lives and then having lost you… That isn’t something that someone goes unscathed from… By your next birthday (11th) you will have been gone longer than we had the honour of being your parents. That will not be a nice feeling. I guess we’ll deal with that feeling when we get to it…
So my little Ash, I am sitting here at a loss as to what to write to you tonight. I have your balloons in the van and am all set to come and see you in a bit… I do know that this is the last time that I am going to be writing in your journal. That is going to be really weird I guess as I am used to writing in it, even if only twice a year and I do know that it is therapeutic in its own way and has been a huge part in what has helped me in my healing process. It is just getting harder and harder to know what to write and it all just feels like the same words over and over again… It will never change that we miss you, it will never change that we love you, it will never change that we wish we could have or should have done things different etc. and never change that we wish we had more time and this had never ever happened… There are just so many things that we ‘wish’ but they are not to be and we have adjusted to all of that. Still painful times and memories that are bitter sweet but that is all gentler now and further in-between as time has gone on… I look at your pictures and wish I knew what you would have looked like now and what your spunky personality would have blossomed into as you matured. Wish we had more pictures and memories of you stored but oh what beautiful memories we do have of you... You filled your 5 ½ years up so full! You are remembered by everyone who had the fortune of meeting you… You made an impact on all of those who were blessed to have known you and even many who never were so fortunate to have met you but feel as if they know you from reading about you through this journal… So lucky for us, you were our precious little bundle and we were the lucky parents blessed to have had you…
Well didn’t think I’d get all mushy writing this as the tears seem to come so less often now than they did, but writing to you again has brought the tears on… I do miss you babe... More than typing those words over and over again as I have done for the last 5 years... I just really can’t type them enough to explain to everyone what it really feels like. Oh well, the tears are deserved, I do miss you and I do love you as we all do… Forever and ever… That just won’t change no matter how many times it’s typed or said…
I found this poem the other day that I put in the paper for you. It moved me to tears then as I’m sure it will now as I type it here for the people that don’t get the paper. It’s an appropriate poem seeing as my yearly thing to do is visit you at 2:00 am on your Heavenly anniversary day.
I am going to your grave today
With flowers orange, yellow and red
I’ll throw away the faded ones
And leave fresh ones instead.
I’ll stand above the place you lay
Laid to rest 5 years ago
And once again my heart will break
And unchecked tears will flow.
With gentle fingers I’ll caress
Your name carved in the stone
Then brush away the fallen leaves
November winds have blown.
I’ll dry my eyes, I’ll say a prayer
And as I raise my head
Another grieving mother has just
Tucked her child in bed.
Author unknown.
Oh man Ashley, just remembering the day after day that I would come to ‘tuck’ you in after you passed away. It just didn’t feel right not putting you in your own bed. People thinking maybe I had gone a little nuts… Now as time has gone on I am not there as often to tuck you in. Feelings of guilt as I saw you less but again time heals that too... So many people would say, but she’s not there… I knew that but it didn’t mean I still didn’t want to ‘nurture’ you in the only way that I could. It all just changes as time goes on… The feelings of guilt aren’t as bad when I don’t get there to light your candle, which seems rarely now… Since we moved it’s been harder to come out and see you, so maybe that has helped in its own way... Who knows...? It’s all just part of the healing process I guess…
So I won’t bother writing to you about what we have all been up to cause I just can’t remember. It’s not really that important anyway… You know what we get up to I’m sure… Well, as usual Ashley, it’s raining… Why is it every year on your anniv. and your birthday the weather is always yucky… I was feeling like sitting with you tonight and here it is pouring out. Hopefully by the time I get there it has stopped. So it will be interesting to see what music comes on for us tonight as I come to visit you… We’ve had interesting years when the music has seemed just so for you and I…
So the tears have stopped… Time to stop yapping about the same old… To everyone that has continued to read Ashley’s journal and to everyone who has supported us for all these years, there just are no words to say thank you… No words big enough or long enough or heartfelt enough… Just thank you from the bottom of all our hearts for loving Ashley in whatever way that you did or do and for all the never ending support either physically or through this website for our family… We have been truly blessed and just can’t say thank you enough…
So Ashley, my precious little Angel… I may not be writing to you here for all the world to see but you know I will never stop talking to you… Or hugging your Bear when times are tough and I want a hug from you so bad… 5 years is too long Ashley but depending on the path we are meant, many more years until we meet with you again…
Forever in our hearts babe,
Love Mummy, Daddy, Derek, Danielle and Nathan
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