History

Monday, January 14, 2008 3:47 PM CST

MOMENTS IN LIFE

There are moments in life when you miss somone so much
That you want to pick them from your dreams and hug them For real!

When the door of happiness closes, another opens.
But often times we look so long at the closed door
That we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away
Go for someone who makes you smile
Because it takes only a smile to
Make a dark day seem bright
Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Dream what you want to dream
Go where you want to go
Be what you want to be
Because you have only one life
And one chance to do all the things
You want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet
Enough trials to make you strong
Enough sorrow to keep you human and
Enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily
Have the best of everything
They just make the most of
Everything that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always
Be based on a forgotten past
You can't go forward in life until
You let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying
And everyone around you was smiling
Live your life so at the end
You're the one who is smiling and everyone
Around you is crying...
Don't count the years...
Count the memories...

-Author unknown

Peace Out!

Saturday, November 10, 2007 7:49 AM CST

It's been a while since I last updated. We've been staying busy with Neil in school now. He loves it. It is amazing howmuch he learns everyday. He tries to read everything and is constantly writing and drawing. I'm going to have to say that he is one of the smartest kids I know!! And one of the most talented. He amazes us with his art work that he brings home and does at home. He will be an artist one day so keep a look out for his name in the future! We received the wonderful book that Carter's class published in Carter's honor and Neil has shown everyone the book and can almost read it all by himself, at least he tries to. He took it in for show and tell but they did not have time for him that day. Maybe by next month's show and tell he will be able to read it all by himself and amaze his teacher and his classmates. It is called H is for Hero, The Story of Carter Finger. Dave Crowley from KDKA is doing a special on it, I'm hoping that it is this Monday and it wasn't last night because I missed it if it was last night.

We had a good time trick or treating. We went with friends that we always go with and a new comer, Angie's little girl, Skyler. She was a skunk and a cute one at that. She caught onto the whole getting candy thing very quickly. We had a Halloween party at Neil's school and I am the homeroom mom so I was in charge and we had a good time. I will admit that I love being homeroom mom and having a child in school. I'm already sad thinking about when he is done with school.

It's hard to believe that Christmas is almost here. I will say that this is the first Christmas that I am excited about celebrating and actually decorating the house since ALex passed. The will be the fourth Christmas without him. It still hurts daily, I still can't believe that I am a parent of an angel child. I still get the dreaded question so often on how many children I have. I still stumble over the answer and I always hate their reactions, almost like they wish they never would have asked me. They would have rather not known. And I still hurt for all the parents who face this daily, expecially my dear friend Rhonda who has to go through all of these first holidays without her little man here with her.

I hope that everyone has a great Thanksgiving and remember what you are grateful for. I will always be grateful for the following:

My two beautiful boys that God gave to me.
My strength that God gives me everyday.
My wonderful family and friends.
My brother going for follow up scans and being cancer free!

Peace Out!

Thursday, September 20, 2007 7:10 AM CDT

What a month full of emotions! We sent our Neil off to kindergarten on Aug 27. I'm still not adjusted well to that. I have three hours to myself and feel very lonely. I find myself talking to the dog a lot! But on the other hand, I think I can get used to it! At first it wasn't so sure about it. There was no recess and that was what he was looking forward to. But he has made friends and looks forward to seeing them everyday. Yesterday he had a fever and was just not himself and we had to keep him home from school and he wasn't too happy about staying home. He woke up this morning and is now sleeping again so we will see about today. We had open house and he was so cute showing me everything in his school. What a big boy he has become.

It's hard to believe that it has already been a month since Carter passed away. I look at his picture and just can't believe that he is gone. I have the picture of Alex and Carter on the first day that we met them. I look at that picture and can't quite fathom that both of these beautiful boys are angels. It breaks my heart...

This Sunday, September 23, we are having an Alex's Lemonade Stand at Christian Life Church in Trafford. We are holding it from 10 am until 2 pm. All proceeds go to pediatric cancer research. You can learn more about the org at www.alexslemonade.org Our church is reaching out into the community on this day and doing different things for those in need in the town. We are also cleaning a two mile stretch of road that I adopted in Alex's memory. If anyone wants to come out and help or just drink some lemonade, please come! Tell everyone you know about the lemonade stand.

Peace Out!

Thursday, August 23, 2007 7:39 AM CDT

"CARTERMANIA"

The line of people that never ended, the tears, the hugs, the laughter; all for Carter. As I stood at the window of the funeral home and looked out at such an amazing site I was blown away by the outpouring of love and support for this family. The amount of people there to give their respects and say goodbye to a legend. A legend that will never die...It all took your breath away. Young and old, small mowhawks and very large mowhawks, a sea of camoflouge; all for Carter.

The funeral service was beautiful and couldn't have been any better. They started it off by playing Angel Eyes by the Buzz Poets for Carter and in memory of my Alex. Tears, tears and more tears. The eulogy was put together from all of the wonderful emails that DonnaWeaver recieved in regards to how Carter touched someones lives and their memories. It made you laugh and cry at the same moment and couldn't have described Carter any better. They played another song from sister Mariah and then everyone sang along with one of Carter's favorite worship songs. It brought me goosebumps then and again now as I think back on it. The funeral procession was lead by a real camoflouged Hummer followed by some Harleys. It seemed like it went on forever. As we sat in our vehicle at the cemetary I watched as a butterfly flew among all of the cars and seemed to land on each and every one of them.
The luncheon afterwards was wow. The food was enough to feed an army. Carter's army. I heard many people say how they felt so blessed by having Carter in their lives. I too feel blessed. But the one who was truly blessed was Carter. He had such a large Team of supporters surrounding him throughout this whole journey and it was so evident these last couple of days.
Tuesday night I had a dream that I was driving in a car with someone and saw two rainbows in the sky. I told the person with me that they were Carter and Alex's rainbows. Showing us that they were together. The alarm went off Wed morning playing Lynyrd Skynyrd's Free Bird. A song that was played at a good friend's funeral years ago and everytime I hear it I think of him. He was telling me that he met Carter. Fly high Carter!
Throughout these past couple of weeks, I have felt very much alone in my grief. I was reliving losing Alex all over again but alone this time. I was facing feelings that I had not faced in these past three years. Not only was I losing a good friend, I was losing my Alex again. At times I felt useless in being there for Rhonda and would beat myself up over it. Sometimes I had to take a step back from it all and breathe. But after these last few days I know that I wasn't alone. Carter's family and friends surrounded me with love and support. There was always somewhere there concerned for my feelings. Asking if I was alright. Even in their own grief. I thank this family from the bottom of my heart for their wonderful concern for me and making me feel apart of the family. They were all thanking me for being there for Rhonda when I was so thankful to them for allowing me to be there. What a wonderful circle of family and friends. We will miss you Carter...

Our blood drive was a success. We had 43 donors and 7 were deferred. Thanks to all who came and donated.
Neil turned 5 on Monday and now thinks he is all that. He's very excited about starting school on Monday. Tomorrow is Alex's birthday. He would have been 7. We are having Neil's party tomorrow and will send some balloons up to Alex. And of course Carter who would have been 8 on Sept 2. Please remember these two angels and do something fun for their birthdays. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX!!!!! We love and miss you.

Peace Out

Sunday, August 19, 2007 11:34 AM CDT

My Alex was joined by a very special angel yesterday, Carter. Carter gained his wings last evening. We will miss him terribly but now Heaven is blessed with a very funny little man to make everyone laugh. I went home last night and picked up a picture that was taken the first day that we met Carter and his family in NY and couldn't believe that these two beautiful boys in the picture were no longer here with us. The picture is of just Carter and Alex sitting on a couch in the hallway at the RMDH. Both looking mischievious and full of beautiful little boy life. My heart is breaking. I look at Rhonda and see myself when Alex passed; so strong and at peace with it all. I was and have been the "pillar of strength" (Thanks MJ for that title, I'll always remember your words)but when Rhonda called and told me that Carter had passed, I was not prepared for the emotions that took over me. I am grieving for Carter and his family but also for myself. All of the emotions that I have kept "in control" over the last 3 years were let loose. But through all of my sadness I keep picturing these two beautiful angels soaring high in the sky together. What a joyous reunion it must have been...
The song that is posted below, Angel Eyes by the Buzz Poets was shared with my by Carter's dad after Alex passed. It reminded him of Alex. I listen to the lyrics now and think of Carter who will always be a legend. People will be talking about Carter Finger 100 years from now.

Fly high boys!

www.carterfinger.com

On a lighter note, my Neil turns the big #5 tomorrow. Happy Birthday Neil! He is so excited. We went for orientation at his school again this past week and he got to ride on the school bus. He was talking up a storm afterwards. As PJ and I sat there and listened to the teachers speak we both kept thinking we should have done this already two years ago with Alex and Alex should have been here to tell Neil how it all would be. But we can't believe our baby is starting school and turning 5! He's not a baby anymore. Go Neil!
Friday is Alex's birthday. He would have been 7 years old. We will be having Neil's party on that day so at the party we will send some balloons up to Alex. Please do something fun this week in memory of my Alex's birthday. The following week on Sept 2 is Carter's bday. Do something fun for him also. He would have been 8. I'm sure they are celebrating in the most glorious way ever with Jesus.
Our blood drive in memory of Alex is this Tuesday, August 21 at Christian Life Chruch in Trafford 1pm-7pm. Please come donate and if you have never donated, please consider. It's not a big deal, if you get a little sick just think of all of the little children who are sick on a daily basis from whatever disease they have and your couple minutes of sickness will mean nothing to you. So many rely on blood to make it from day to day. Right now the blood bank is low very low on blood and is in dire need of blood. Imagine if a loved one was in need of blood, wouldn't you you do anything for them to get it? Hope to see you there. There will be birthday cake for Alex. Come eat cake and give blood!

Peace Out!

Friday, July 27, 2007 6:53 AM CDT

A little over three years ago we met an amazing family with a funny, unique little man. Carter Finger. Carter has worked his way into our hearts over the years and made us laugh more times than I can count. We went camping with them a while back and he had us peeing our pants the entire trip. The things that came out of his mouth were unbelievable. He is only 7 years old but if you sat down and talked with him you would think you were talking to a 20 year old. He has wisdom beyond his years. He was always so good to Neil even though he is 3 years his senior. And I can't forget his wonderful family that has allowed me to be a part of their lives and love them. Allowed me to share in the joys and sadness over the past years. At times, it brought back many hurtful feelings for me but life is not easy and sometimes you need to do things that are not easy and fun. On Wednsday, Carter's parents met with the doctor's to discuss stopping all treatment. They have given them a time frame of 2-3 weeks left with their precious son. We will miss him something terrible and will always remember that crazy little guy who touched sooooo many hearts and lives in his short 7 years. Please send the prayers out to this family that God gives them the strength and wisdom to survive this terrible time in their lives. I can't help but think that while we down here our saddened by this, my Alex and many others are excited and anxious to see Carter and show him around the most glorious place that we can only imagine about...

www.carterfinger.com

Another little boy that we met in NY is also facing the same situation. Please visit their site and keep them in your prayers. www.caringbridge.org/co/nathanmichael.com

Thursday, June 28, 2007 10:26 AM CDT

It is hard to believe that it has been three years since Alex passed away. We survived as always. On the actual anniversary I read Alex and the amazing Lemonade Stand to the children at the local library and passed out fliers and had a few moms come up to talk with me afterwards. There were so many faces watching me and listening I had no time to cry as I was afraid I would. Later that day we let some balloons go at the cemetary and went out to eat with the my mom and Gary and our wonderful friend, Alicia. It was a nice quiet day. I was unable to have the lemonade stand as I couldn't find any place that would accomodate us. Our local store (where we have had it before) would not give me a yes or no answer and told me some lame excuse as to why they couldn't answer me. Later we heard through the grapevine the they were making comments about us wanting to have it there and how they couldn't because then everyone would want to have a stand there. As I walked in the store the other day I noticed a table set up with some roasters on it and they were selling hot dogs for Relay for Life! No room for our lemonade though! I am still trying to have one in July sometime.
Banjo has worked his way into my life and does not seem such a disruption as he once was. He has gotten much better at the potty thing and we are still working on him chewing on our things. No real damage yet but who knows what the future holds. Neil and him have become BFFs. They do drive me nuts with their constant rough housing. As Banjo ran through the house like some maniac the other day Neil said he thinks he is Nascar!
As always, please keep Carter in your prayers. He is still the same. Please visit them at www.carterfinger.com

START SAVING YOUR BLOOD. OUR ANNUAL BLOOD DRIVE IN MEMORY OF ALEX IS TUESDAY, AUGUST 21 AT CHRISTIAN LIFE CHURCH. I will post more info later on.

Peace Out!

Saturday, May 26, 2007 12:57 AM CDT

Happy Memorial Day to everyone!

Not too much going on lately. Enjoying the warm weather. We did get a new dog last weekend. I have to say that he is a cutie patutie but he is a disruption to my life. I was used to the dogless life and even before that Sam and Chevy were not hard to take care of. I had to take this dog everywhere I went this past week. We are getting a crate today so hopefully it won't be as crazy. He is pretty good at not going to the bathroom in the house but he did have a few accidents but I will blame myself because I am lazy! He also had an accident in my mom's house because she had to babysit Neil and the dog while we worked the other day. Thanks Mom and Gary! Sorry for the pee. We wanted to name him something that had to do with Alex. I thought of MoJo (from Austin Powers, Alex's favorite) or Crash (Crash Bandicoot, PS game that Alex loved) but Neil is sticking to his guns and has named the dog Banjo. He's very adament about this. Little stinker! Yesterday I overheard Neil talking to Banjo and showing him pictures of himself and then showing him a picture of Alex and said "And this is your other brother but he is in heaven." What a cutie!
PJ, Neil and the dog went to my brothers for a picnic today and are staying overnight. I have to work today and tomorrow so I will get a peaceful couple of hours after work to myself! On Monday I think we will head out to Carter's house for a little picnic. It has been a while since we have seen him and a very long time since PJ has seen him. Rhonda says that he is getting worse everyday. It breaks my heart. It brings back so many emotions for me. I was warned by many not to get close to them; that I would get my heart broken again but I was brought into their lives for a reason and I can't turn my back on that. God had a hand in that, I need to be there for Rhonda in any way that I can. It might be hurtful but Rhonda is hurting also and needs someone to talk with that understands all that she is going through and feeling. I'm here for you Rhonda!
www.carterfinger.com

Peace OUt

Tuesday, May 8, 2007 1:24 PM CDT

I read this article in a magazine and felt the need to share it. It is from The Purpose Driven Life3 by Rick Warren.

WHY PAIN IS NOT IN VAIN

When you have troubles to deal with -whether it's your family, your job or your health-your percpective will determine how well you cope. And your basic perspective should be this; My troubles have a purpose; this pain is not in vain.
"God whispers to us in our pleasures...but shouts in our pains,"C.S Lewis once wrote. Our troubles carry potential benefits: They grab our attention when we're ignoring something important and help us develop greater character and maturity. It's only when we feel the heat that we begin to change, grow and mature. Troubles produce perseverance, and the more you persevere, the better you'll get at handling pressure. You'll know to never give uup but keep on keepin on. This gives you confidence in the reliability of your own character and in the power of God to guide you through hard times.
Now I'm sure you have noticed that the potential benefits that trouble carries are not guaranteed. Your troubles won't automatically help you to mature. Many people become bitter rather than better.
The benefits of troulbe oly emerge when you embrace the perspective that good can come out of heartbreak. This means I may not be thankful for troubles but I can be thankful in spite of them.
How can you be thankful when you have lost your job, your health or even your child? For one thing, rather than look at what you have lost, look at all you still have. You're alive, for one thing.
There is an old hymn "Count Your Blessings, Name Them One by One." We need to do that, even in the midst of trouble. When times are tough, that's when we need to be reminded of everything God has given us.
Becoming a truly thankful person can be the healthiest change you make in your life, better than any diet or exercise plan. Many people think that love is the healthiest emotion to develop, but I think it is gratitude.
When you are thankful in spite of your circumstances, you're more resistant to illness and stress. Your troubles can help you to develop an attitude of gratitude.
As you consider your troubles, don't ask, "Why me?" Instead ask, "What can I learn from this?" Then, trust God and keep on doing what's right. Don't give up-grow up!

Not much going on. Enjoying the beautiful weather. One more month and it will be three years since Alex passed away. We were going to have a lemonade stand in his memory but I keep coming up against closed doors. Nobody will allow us or they already have someone there doing something else. I think I am going to throw my hands up on this one. I am going to read the book- Alex and the Lemonade Stand to the toddlers at the local library and have a little lemonade stand there on June 6. If anyone is interested in bringing your little one that day, it starts at 11:00 at the Norwin Public Library.
Please keep Carter in your prayers. The cancer has progressed and they are not sure where they stand. My heart hurts so much for Rhonda. But they are enjoying every second of every day. Making memories that will last the rest of their lives. The best medicine they can give each other. www.carterfinger.com

I also wanted share a website with you all. Warning before you go on that they are heartbreaking but so many parents and children live through this everyday, including myself. Should it be shielded from the world? We see horrible pictures of war everyday on the news but you never hear or see the sadness that occurs everyday with pediatric cancer. A photographer won a pulitzer prize for these photos.
http://www.pulitzer.org/year/2007/feature-photography/works/index.html

The little boy in the photos is Derek Maden. He battled NB for 11 months.

Peace Out

Wednesday, April 18, 2007 2:06 PM CDT

The American Cancer Society and Childhood Cancer Research Funding:

The American Cancer Society's (ACS) Relay for Life (RFL) is the world's largest fund raising event in the world with some 4000 events in the US and many more in 7 other countries. More than 2.5 million Americans will participate in this even in honor or memory of a family member or friend affected by cncer. They will spend countless hours and donate over $400 million dollars with the expectation that their time and money will get us closer to a cure for cancer. But which cancers will benefit from that $400 million??

There are roughly 100 different types of cancer; each one using different drugs and treatments or different combinations of the same drugs and treatments. As with any other financial entity, the ACS budgets their income (donations)acording to the largest need down to the smallest need. There will be about 1.4 million adults diagnosed with cancer this year. In contrast, there will only be about 12,500 children diagnosed. Also like any other financial entity, the ACS and RFL look for creative ways to promote their cause in order to maximize the inflow of funds.

To promote the Relay, organizers search for "Honorary Chairpersons". People who have battled cancer and survived or are still battling cancer, but are survivors. The Honorary Chairpersons are presented at a large kickoff Pep rally with guest speakers, recording artists, testimonials and all the fan fair. They're paraded across a stage for all to see who we are fighting for. In 2003, a little girl from Georgia, Shelby, was Honorary Chairperson. There were 20 that year-Nineteen children and one adult.

The ACS distibutes their funds according to the greatest need or the greatest number of patients effected. According to the ACS's funding chart for 2002-2003, $132 million was given to cancer research. oNly $7 million was given to childhood cancer research. Total donations for the same time period was close to $1 billion. The other $868 million went to cancer awareness programs, group counseling, seminars, resource guides, and many other help programs, as well as fundraising efforts salaries and other executive expenses.

If you had donated $100 to RLF hoping to show your support for the honary chairpersons, $12.47 would have gone to research adult cancers, while only 70 cents would have gone to Childhood cancer research. How much of that 70 cents would be for Neuroblastoma research? NONE!

I'm not trying to get people to stop donating and participating in RLF. The ACS does a lot of good for the adult world of cancer. But if you see a bald child suffering from cancer and feel compelled to help cure childhood cancer, please research organizations that put children first and support those orgs.

I got this off of another caringbridge site. I've heard that American Cancer Society only gives 5% to childhhod cancer research.

Alex's Lemonade www.alexslemonade.org

children's Neuroblastoma Cancer Foundation
www.cncf-childcancer.org

Lunch for Life
www.LunchforLife.org

These are wonderful orgs that are all about childrena and were started by parents who's child had NB.

Sunday, April 1, 2007 8:58 AM CDT

In the story of Peter Rabbit..
Peter wanted to get into the garden so bad
He was very determined and tried everyway.
So did we..we searched for a cure with all we had.

Just like Peter, all seemed great for awhile
We thought we had won and we would never part.
The treatments seemed to be working
We were so happy with all our hearts.

Like when the farmer saw Peter and yelled "Stop"
We wanted to yell that too
When we heard the news, my child had relpased
And there was nothing more they could do.

Peter Rabbit ws most dreadfully frightened
For he had forgotten his way
Sometimes we lose our way from God also
And in the midst of our sorrow back away.

As we stumble..God catches us
Just like He had Peter on that day
He guides us int he right direction
And shows us the way.

I thank God for blessing my life with my child
Even though my child left earth too soon
I would only change the outcome..but I would not change
Even a minute..for all the stars and the moon.

At the end of the story of Peter Rabbit
He did get out and he didn't get caught
And this is so true of disease..Some are cured
But some children are not.

So I am here today
With a purpose and a cause
Childhood cancer the purpose
And better cures the cause

This Easter let us all celebrate life
How precious each day is with our children
Lets thank God for the gift of eternal life
And for those who have lost a loved one
Knowing we will see them in Heaven again.

www.heavenlylights.homestead.com To view this poem and many more memorial peoms for all occasions.

I hope that everyone has a blessed Easter and remember and teach your children the true meaning of Easter.

So I have decided to do an Alex's Lemonade Stand in memory of Alex. I will hold it during the annual Alex's lemonade weekend on June 9. We are still waiting to hear that we are allowed to hold it at our local Giant Eagle where we had it two years before. If anyone is interested in helping out please get in touch with me. We will need people to help serve lemonade on that day, bring people to our stand, get donations (lemonade mix, cups, ice). We had such a fun time at our last one. I hope that many can come out that day and help us remember our Alex.

President Bush has asked Congress to cut funds on cancer research. You can help by sending an e-mail to your local politicians. Log onto http://capwiz.com/curesearch/home/ On the left it says "Take action now" and underneath you click on "Write to Congress". You enter your zip code, select your rep and send an email. Encourage your reps to pass the Conquer Childhood Cancer Act and to stop budget cuts to cancer research. (Included in the cuts are rare childhhod cancers, Neuroblastoma IS considered a rare childhood cancer.

As for the family, we are just living as best that we can. Neil took his test for kindergarten. I sat there with tears in my eyes thinking how big my baby has gotten and that I should have already done this with Alex. I don't think I am ready to set Neil off into the big world yet...I would like to keep him my sweet innocent baby forever! I took him to our church the other day to ride on the big fancy bike that Alex received for Christmas and never got to ride. Neil rode that bike like a pro, and I'm sure Alex was right there along for the ride! He only wrecked 4 times, each time he was showing off for someone. The last wreck was smack into the back of my car!
This year the anniversary of Alex's diagnosis falls on Easter. It will be four years on April 8 that Alex was diagnosed with NB. We went into the hospital on April 7. This time of the year is always so hard for us and holds so many memories. Alex's diagnosis, our Disney trip and finding out there was nothing left to do...We miss you Alex, Happy Easter.

Peace out

Saturday, March 3, 2007 9:18 AM CST

Alex's wonderful doctor moved to Texas over a year or so ago, Dr. Rachel Egler. We miss her very much but she is doing good things in Texas, NB research. Anyways, she is doing a marathon this June in ALASKA!! It is for leukemia and lymphoma. Please log onto her site and maybe even drop her a few dollars to sponsor her. She is one of the best doctors and took the greatest care of my Alex.

www.active.com/donate/tnttxgc/REgler

Spring is almost here!! Where to start? Erik is cancer free!! Love those words! He is to go in for surgery this Monday to remove his gall bladder and then he is all done. He will go back for follow up scans in three months. We are all glad to have this behind us but especially my mom. Bless that woman! She has put up with a lot from ERik during all of this. As I have said before he is not the greatest patient!
Neil is doing great and getting so big! He started some speech lessons as he was a little hard for some to understand. He goes once a week and is doing fantastic. you can tell a difference already. He comes home with homework and thinks it is the coolest thing ever and can't wait to do it each week. He goes in this Tuesday to be tested for kindergarten!!! Kindergarten! I can't believe it! What will I do without him! What will my mom do without him! I know; Relax, get things done and miss him and count the minutes until he gets home!
He looks so much like Alex at times and does so many things that remind us of him. PJ and I were talking about when he gets older, we will just have to imigine that is what our Alex would look like if he was still here. And of course that will be as handsome as they come! Because that is the one great thing that PJ and I together have achieved, beautiful babies.
As always, please keep Carter and his family in your prayers. They have decided to do some low dose chemo here in Pgh. Rhonda is having a bit of a hard time with her decision so please pray that she gets the strength that she needs to make the right decisions and live with them.

I am trying to come up with a way to remember my Alex this year as it will be three long years since he gained his wings. Last year's memorial celebration was nice but many people could not come and I fear that it would be more not coming this year which would just sadden me and make me think that he has been forgotten (though I know that is not true, it is the way that I would feel). So I am racking my brain on a way to remember him. I might just go for the lemonade stand as that was a fun time. If you have any ideas for me please drop me an email.

Peace Out

Sunday, January 21, 2007 12:52 AM CST

Well, we are all settled into the new house and enjoying be able to just sit and relax for a change. Those two last months of the year were about to set me over the edge, losing the dogs, getting ready to move, the holidays, Erik's treatment and of course missing Alex. Erik started his third treatmen this past week but had to stop the last two days because 1. his counts were very low and 2. he was losing feeling in his hands and feet. I researched this on line and found out that the chemo he is on causes neuropathy and that the doctors will have to lower the dose of the chemo. Most of the time the neuropathy will fade in time. We brought him to my Mom's on Friday after his treatment because he just wasn't feeling well and didn't want to be by himself. My mom called a little while ago and said that PJ is driving him to the hospital. He has also been having pain in his side which he has had since last spring and the doctors couldn't diagnose what was wrong. Well now his oncologist is saying that it is his gallbladder but it can't come out until he is done with chemo (three treatments to go). So I guess his side was hurting very badly this morning on top of not feeling well. Please pray that he gets this taken care of. He is a no-patience guy and is tired of feeling sick and wants to go back to work. It amazes me that there is no financial help at all for him. He applied for medical assistance and they turned him down because he owns an older than dirt camper that I believe he paid $100 for and a little fishing boat. My mom called the American Cancer Society and there was nothing they could do for him. What are people supposed to do in these circumstances? There are people who choose not to work and are eligible for assistance and Erik did not ask for this to happen and no one can help. Go figure!

Rhonda and Carter should be home unless they got stuck in NY because of the weather. I haven't called her in case she did come home and more than likely are getting bombarded with hugs and kisses from everyone. As most of you probably have read on his site already, he finished up some chemo and radiation in NY and got his stem cells back up there also. They came home to see what is next. This is such a scary time for Rhonda. Please keep her in your prayers. I told her her the other day that many people have told me to distance myself from them, that my heart will be broken once again. I've said it so many times before and will say it again. God had a hand in our meeting and our friendship. How could I turn my back on something that God wanted. If I have been able to help her only once in our friendship than it has been worth all of the pain and tears. I would do it all over again. I love them like they are my own family and will do anything for them. Please visit their site and give some encouragement to them. www.carterfinger.com

One last prayer request. I went to cosmetology school with the greatest girl ever back in high school, Jen is her name. We ended up having mutual friends and saw each other over the years at showers, birthdays and funerals. She has a little girl the same age as Neil and just had twins this past year. Yesterday morning her husband had a blood clot travel to his lung and die. They are my age. Please keep her and her children in your prayers.

Peace Out

Tuesday, January 2, 2007 9:05 AM CST

Happy New Year! Let's pray that this year is a good one. Does eveyone say that every year? Does anyone ever have a good year? A good month sounds much more reasonable than a whole year!

We started the year off dogless. We still have our guniea pig, Moe. Moe will probably live forever! PJ made a comment after we put Chevy down that there once were six of us and now there were only three(not including Moe). PJ and I have been together for 14 years this July and we have buried three cats, two dogs and our precious son. No more! Maybe Moe but that is it! As much as I complained about the dogs, I do miss them and was very upset over losing chevy. It is odd not to have to feed them or take them out everyday.

We moved into a new house this past weekend. Yes, we are crazy to be moving right at the holidays. It is smaller than the other house but we are trying to save up some money to buy a house of our own. It is a cute little house 5 minutes from our old house. There are woods behind it that Neil is excited about playing in and building a fort. He says that his cousin EJ will help him build it. He's so cute.

Neil loved Christmas and keeps asking why it is only for one day. He got too many gifts and it was apparent just how many too much when we were moving. The child has every toy imiginable. I tell friends and family not to buy him any more toys but it obviously goes in one ear and out the other! I still have unopened toys from when Alex was here! I received the best gift ever from my Mom, I've only been asking for it for two years now! she got me a necklace with Alex's picture on it. It is beautiful and I love it. PJ got me a MP3 player which I have no idea what to do with it. My Dad is going to show me after I get all settled into the new house.

Carter is having scans tomorrow. Please keep him in your prayers. He has been having some neck and back pain and fevers. Let's pray that it is nothing to worry about and that it is not the cancer progressing. I am going to be selling Wilson's candy bars to raise money for them. If anyone is interested in selling some, please drop me an email and let me know how many you would like. I am hoping to get them by this weekend. My email address is at the bottom of the page. Please visit Carter's site and give Rhonda a word of encouragement. www.caringbridge.org/pa/carterfinger

Peace Out

Saturday, December 23, 2006 7:28 AM CST

I'm not in the Merry Christmas mood lately. But first I must tell you that Neil did a fantastic job in his Christmas program and was the cutest he could ever be. He had so much fun doing it and talked about it for days and is still singing the songs. Maybe we have an actor? My brother is feeling fine for now, but he starts his second round of chemo on Tuesday and probably will get sick all over again. He then will have four more rounds of chemo. please keep him in your prayers.

So onto the stress of my life. Today at 10:00 am, PJ will be putting our other dog, Chevy to rest. As you know, we put his mom down in October. Since then Chevy has been acting out of sorts but I just contributed it to him being depressed and missing Sammie. He had lost a considerable amount of weight and started going to the bathroom in the house. PJ took him to the vet on Tuesday, they did blood work and xrays. They gave him some meds for his stomach. He was taking them everyday with some special dog food that he would gulp right up. I took it down to him yesterday morning and he didn't want anything to do with it. I called the vet and they informed me that he has kidney failure. We could do some treatment that would cost anywhere between $300-500 each time and they wouldn't be a sure thing, considering his kidneys are probably shot. So I made the decision to make the appointment for this morning. We are taking it pretty hard. As many of you who know PJ, his dogs were the world to him (and to me before children).
And then I recieved a call from Rhonda last night about a little girl in West mifflin who had NB passed away yesterday. Her name is Mallory, she was 6 years old. She had two brothers. Please keep her family in your prayers. It is terrible enough that this has to happen but on the holidays makes it even worse.
And then Rhonda told me that it looks as if Carter has progressed. They are not sure where they are at in treatment at this time and are having some hard times dealing with everything. Please keep them in your prayers also.

Sorry for all of the "merry" news today but that is life and you can't ignore it even during the holidays. I hope that all of the rest of you will have a Joyous Christmas and enjoy your time with your famiy and friends and don't forget the "real" meaning of Christmas.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
But some children's stockings were missing this year.

Children were nestled all snug in their beds
Some parents cling to memories dancing in their heads
These children all fought their battles so strong
Why oh why God, did disease have to come along.

Whether cancer, leukemia, brain tumors or AIDS
These children all fought for each precious day
From needles to transplants, to losing their hair
These angels still found a smile to share.

Their memories live on..these precious little ones
Disease has taken so many of our daughters and sons
Children should not have to go through this fear
Please oh please God..can you send us a cure?

Star after star after star they came
Heavenly lights displays each precious name
Each angel a story, a family corever changed
As we read each child's star..name after name.

Jordyn and Michael, Benjamin and Timmy
There's Joseph and Joshua, Ariel and Jimmy
Their stories all told and memories held dear
These children are spending Christmas in Heaven this year.

The sky is a twinkling, their stars sure do shine
So many hearts touched, especially mine
A bundlej of joy..missed so sadly will be
Their memories will continue on ..for all to see.

Their eyes how they twinkled, their smiles were so bright
Just like their stars that now light up our night
Shattered lives, futures changed, a puzzle incomplete
The meaning of life..these parents now seek.

God went right to work and spoke not a word
These children are now as free as a bird
God brings comfort and strength and has plenty to share
The burdens will be eased with His loving care.

God is caring and strong and needed so much
And they smile in God's presence..so graciously touched
God filled each stocking with hope, faith and love
God blessed us all..and back to Heaven He rose.

Please hold us all close Father, let us feel your love
Take care of the children up in Heaven above
Send each parents love to their angel in the sky
Until we are reunited in Heaven and can understand why.

Childhood disease is so present today
We can not ignore it, we must find a way
To cure these diseases too many to name
Please pray for a cure in Jesus' name.

Thursday, December 14, 2006 3:26 PM CST

Seven years ago this coming up Sunday, I went to the store to pick up food for a party we had to attend that night, while shopping I threw a pregnancy test in the buggy. Pj was laid up on a bed in the living room (he had hernia surgery two days before). It was a Friday, i had the day off of work and was excited about the party that night. I went upstairs to the bathroom when I got home and took the test, never expecting to be pregnant but boy was I wrong! There it was, positive as could be! My stomach flipped about a million times and it took all I had to walk down the stairs without falling. I showed it to PJ and he thought I was joking. We went to the party that night with the test as PJ showed everyone he knew that he was going to be a Daddy. That was one of the best birthday presents I ever could have received, Alex...Three years ago, we spent it in the hospital. Alex received his stem cells on my birthday. We celebrated with the smell of cream corn! (For all of you NBers, you know what I mean) This year I will watch my Neil perform in a Christmas program at church for the first time (he was too shy last year to go up) I will be proud of my Neil but will be missing my ALex, who should be up there right along with Neil and all of the other children. I watched him practice last night and teared up just thinking of what Alex is missing(more like what we are missing) I'm sure Alex is putting on the best Christmas program ever seen in Heaven with Jesus and all of his angel friends. But I'm sure on that day, he will be with me watching his baby brother looking so big dancing and singing in front of everyone.

My brother, Erik, started his chemo last week and got very sick over the weekend. Erik is thin to begin with and has lost so much weight since all of this began. We took him back in on Tuesday for some more chemo and he had lost 13 pounds since Friday. My mom and I went shopping and bought him a lot of calorie packing food. Now we just got to get him to eat it before he blows away in the wind. Please keep him in your prayers. He goes back again next Tuesday and then the day after Christmas for another 5 day chemo. A friend took his son, EJ to their Union Christmas party over the weekend and EJ told Santa that all he wanted was for his Dad to get better...How heart breaking.

And as always, please keep CArter and his family in your prayers as they are still in NY City and in patient. The next step is up in the air. Rhonda made a new website and did a great job on it. Please go visit the old caringbridge one to get to the new one and send them some thoughts and prayers and encouraging words. www.caringbridge.org/pa/carterfinger

Peace Out!

Thursday, November 23, 2006 1:06 PM CST

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

I am thankful for my two beautiful boys that God gave to me...
For my strength that He has given to me..
For my wonderful families and friends who are there for me through thick and thin..
For my husband who unselfishly came and picked the Fingers and myself up from Ny City on one of the busiest traveling days of the year...
For the co workers who made all of the yummy food that I just ate while at work..
For all and everyone that is in my life.

It is my year to work on Thanksgiving. It isn't all that bad because there is sooooo much food. My mom was cooking but that all went to hell. My brother woke up in pain once again and decided around noon that he wanted to go to the hospital, so Gary left to go pick him up and take him there while my mom still prepared the meal for PJ, Neil and my Dad. They were eating and then running up to the hospital. My poor mom.
We got in last night from NY. We had a good time. A little stressful at times but that is NY City and Neil must have felt it in the air because he was a handful. Thank you to Rhonda for allowing us to come up and be supportive to you and Carter. It was a little hard for me at times being there at the house and especially at the hospital but I would do anything to help them out. I can't imagine staying up there for all of this time. I would go out of my mind. City life is not for me. I need the relaxed, laid back, quiet life. We did get a lot in while up there including riding the subway at rush hour into Times Square to go to Toys R Us. It was crazy with people but the boys had fun. And as always, Carter kept me ammused with his humerous comments. Always the comedian. Please keep them in your prayers. He had scans and they were unchanged.

Peace Out and Happy Turkey Day!

Friday, November 17, 2006 7:32 AM CST

I was going through some of my stuff and came across this poem that an old coworker gave to me after I had Alex. It was stuck away in a calendar from the year that I had Alex.

Before I Was A Mom

Before I was a mom
I made and ate hot meals
I had unstained clothing
I had quiet conversations on the phone.

Before I was a mom
I slept as late as I wanted
And never worried about how late I got into bed
I brushed my hair and teeth everyday.

Before I was a mom
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a mom
I had never been puked on, pooped on, spit on,
Chewed on, Peed on or pinched by tiny fingers.

Before I was a mom
I had complate control of my mind
My thoughts
My body
I slept all night.

Before I was a mom
I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could
do test. Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want
to put it down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I
couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life
so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a mom.

Before I was a mom
I didn't know the feeling of having a heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a
hungry baby.
I didn't know about the bond between a Mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel
so important.

Before I was a mom
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10
minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
The joy
The love
The hearthache
The wonderfullment
Or the satisfaction of being a mom
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before
I was a Mom.

It brought me to tears then and definitely does now when I read it. Now I know all too well what the poem is talking about.
We leave in the morning for NY. Carter is having scans this week and will get the results on Mon. Please say a few extra prayers that all is ok and that the treatment is working for him.
My brother, Erik will be starting chemo soon. Please keep him in your prayers. Prayer for strength for us all as he goes through this. Erik is a big baby and the chemo is high dose. He will be getting sick.

I'll update after our trip.

Peace Out

Monday, November 6, 2006 1:22 PM CST

We had to do something very hard this weekend. We had to put one of our dogs to sleep. Many of you know Sam Dog, she would have been fourteen years old this coming year. She was a black English Labrador. PJ got her 13 years ago this month and she was a big part of our lives back in the day. Unfortunately, after the babies were born, the dogs got put on the back burner. When Sammie was three years old she had a liter of puppies and we kept one and called him Chevy, aka, Bubba. Over the past couple of years, Sammie has had more and more trouble walking, getting up off of the floor, etc. Last week, she stopped eating, I took her to the vet and her teeth were rotted and would need pulled. She was also GI bleeding. It was a very hard decision but one we made with her quality of life in mind. and now we have to deal with Chevy who has only known his mom for 11 years. When she wouldn't eat, he wouldn't. He has been looking for her. We have been spoiling him in hopes of making up for missing Sammie. We were afraid to leave him alone all day today while we went to work. After I got to work, PJ called and told me he took Chevy with him... Life, you are suck!
We took Neil with us when we put her to sleep and buried her. Death is life and it is something that we know all too well and I wanted it to do it as a family. He understands that we will not see Sammie and that she is with Alex in Heaven swimming in the lake at the great playground in the sky...

My brother Erik was admitted again to the hospital last WEdnsday. They thought that he had a blockage but it turned out to be a virus. He went home on Sat and is doing well.

There will be a holiday shopping day for carter and his family on Nov 19 at Heidleberg Firehall. Many vendors and a chance to buy those Christmas gifts and give to a great cause. you can visit their site for more info. They do need some backed goods for the bake sale if you are interested in baking. www.caringbridge.org/pa/carterfinger

Neil and I are hoping to travel to NY the week before Thanksgiving to give our support to Rhonda and Carter. neil is excited to go. I'm hoping that NY is decorated for christmas by then.

Swim on Sammie Dog and give Alex a big wet one from us all! We will miss you!

Peace Out

Saturday, October 28, 2006 6:22 AM CDT

Erik's surgery went well. The surgeon said that there definitely was cancer in the lymph nodes. A CT scan a month or so ago showed that some of them were enlarged and he said that they had gotten larger since then. He has a huge incision on his belly and is the worst patient. A big baby! I feel bad for the nurses for having to put up with him! He should be getting out on Sunday and then we will wait for the pathologist results on whether he will need chemo or radiation. We were down at the hospital on Wed for 12 hours and still did not get to see him when we finally left. Of course they brought him into his room about 15 minutes after we left. We had Neil with us the whole 12 hours and he was perfect. Never complained or got out of hand. Yeah Neil!

The next day I took my Dad for his foot surgery and he is doing well. Please keep both of them in your prayers.

We bought Neil his halloween costume yesterday and boy is he cute! I found a really nice Sully from Monster's Inc costume dirt cheap because the zipper was broken. But I am lucky to have a talented mom who sewed some velcro on it a few minutes and you would never know. Alex loved Monster's Inc and would love this costume. Hopefully the weather will be nice on Tues and not raining like it is this morning.

Carter stared his treatment this week in NY and now they are thinking they will be up there for a total of 24 weeks! 6 weeks a treatment times four treatments. Please keep them in your prayers. They have been through so much already and now having their family tore apart.

Peace Out

Monday, October 23, 2006 7:08 AM CDT

Happy Belated Birthday to my Mom! Her birthday was on Saturday. And today is my sister-in-law's bday. Happy Birthday Terri!

Not much has been going on here. We are looking to move once again. The house we are renting now is nice but our landlords are a bit money hungry and keep raising our rent every chance they get but do not do anything to the house. We found a cute little house right down the road from us now. We are waiting to hear back from them. It is much smaller but we are using this as a reason to get rid of many toys that Neil does not play with anymore.

My brother, Erik, goes in on WEdnesday for his surgery to remove his lymph nodes. Please keep him in your prayers. The next day, my Dad goes in for some minor surgery on his foot. Keep him in your prayers also. Carter, Rhonda and an aunt are headed to NY today to start his new treatment. They are not sure how long they have to stay but 6 weeks have been mentioned. Please keep them in your prayers. Having to stay up there for any amount of time is hard but i can not imagine 6 weeks. Hopefully I will find some time off from work to travel up and keep them company for a few days.

Peace Out!
Gretchen

Monday, October 23, 2006 7:08 AM CDT

Friday, September 29, 2006 10:46 AM CDT

We went to the beach and had a great time. The weather was beautiful! Neil had the time of his life playing in the waves and in the sand with his cousins. Our first night there was a little sad but we got the sadness out of our system that night and were able to enjoy ourselves the rest of the time. We ended up staying an extra day. I believe butterflies are in their migration state right now. The ride down, we saw a ton of butterflies and while at the beach there was always one nearby. The trip was very peaceful.
We lost another beautiful little girl to NB last week. Christi Thomas gained her wings last Tuesday while at CHOP. Her parents had to drive 9 hours back home without their baby with them. I can not imigine how hard that was for them. While driving down to the beach, I kept thinking about them driving on that turnpike just a few days earlier by themselves and my heart broke for them. Please keep them in your prayers.

My brother has to have yet another surgery on October 25 to remove lymph nodes. His insurance would not pay for a pet scan so the doctor feels this is the best thing to do. After that he will have some low dose chemo. please keep him in your prayers. He has had a very hard summer and just wants his life back to normal. (As normal a life that my brother can have!!)

And as always, please remember Carter and his family. He finally got out of the hospital yesterday and now is awaiting news on NY. There is going to be a fundraiser on Oct 28 to help the family with expenses. Cost of tickets are $15. You can log onto their site for more info www.caringbridge.org/pa/carterfinger.com

Peace Out!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006 9:11 AM CDT

Sorry for no updates. Haven't felt like updating lately. We made it through yet another birthday without Alex being here. It's hard to believe he would have been 6 years old. It seems like just yesterday that I looked at him for the first time....
We had our annual blood drive on Alex's birthday. We served cake to everyone there. We had a nice turn out of 48 donors. Neil was sick with a fever at home that day. He had the fever for three days and then a couple of days later, he came down with a bad cold. And then a couple days after that, I came down with it and then a couple days later, PJ got it...

I am selling candles once again. This time they are for Carter. Please drop me an email for some info. The order goes in on Sept 22. We are heading to the beach in two weeks. I'm a little weary of going being that it was the last place we went with ALex right before we found out there wasn't anything left to do for him. We are going down with some family. Neil will enjoy himself with his cousins that are the same age as him.

My brother, ERik, is doing well. He had his surgery and they feel that they removed everything. He met with his oncologist for the first time yesterday and was given some choices on what to do. He has to have a pet scan this week and then he will make his choice. More than definite, he wil have chemo. Thanks for keeping him in your prayers.

Please keep Carter in your prayers as he is in for some chemo this week. ALso please pray for Christi Thomas, a brave young girl from Ohio who has battled this monster for four years and is coming to the end of the battle here on earth.
www.christithomas.blogspot.com
www.myspace.com/sayaprayerforchrisit.com

This was emailed to me this morning and thought I would share:

"Over the next 14 months, more Americans will die from cancer thatn have perished in every war this nation has fought. It has been described in this country as being as if one of the twin towers were to collapse EVERY SINGLE DAY."

as quoted by GAry Mervis, Chairman & Founder of Camp Good Days and Special Times.

Peace Out!

Sunday, August 20, 2006 7:53 AM CDT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NEIL PIE!!!!!!!!!
Today our Neil turns 4 years old! We had his birthday party on Friday and he had a wonderful time with all of his friends and family and recieved many great presents. Unfortunately, I have to work today and do not get to spend his actual bday with him.

My brother, Erik, had his surgery and all went as well as it could have gone. He is not a good patient and does not do well with pain. We visited with him yesterday and cooked him some steaks on the grill and some corn on the cob. He seemed to be feeling somewhat better. He still has to find out if he needs chemo or not. Thanks for the prayers.

Thursday is Alex's birthday. He would have been 6 years old. Please remember him on that day by doing something fun and with your family. We are having our blood drive on Thursday in his memory, if you are donors, please come by and give some blood. Christian Life Church in Trafford from 1-7 pm. Drop me an email for more info.

Peace Out

Sunday, August 13, 2006 7:40 AM CDT

WE finally received some good news. It looks like Erik's cancer has not spread and they will just do surgery to remove the tumor. He will have to go see an oncologist after the surgery to see if they want him to do some chemo or radiation. Let's pray that is not the case. We had a nece cookout at his house yesterday and my Neil spent the night with all of the guys. I had to come home to come to work today. I left my baby with all of those guys!!!! Nobody is answering their phones yet and I am getting just a little bit nervous! When I left he was in the weeds, with poison ivy and all while his cousin EJ was chopping down trees with an ax! No need to worry!

This coming up SAturday, we are having a party for Neil's birthday and to remember Alex's birthday. I am collecting snacks for the oncology floor at Children's in ALex's memory for his birthday. If anyone is interested in donating snacks, please get in touch with me. The patients love to pick something off of the cart every night. Single serving snacks.

Carter is still in patient with a fever. Please keep him and their family in your prayers as they fight this beast. I went and saw him the other day. I love his mohawk! He is sooo cute. You can go on his site to see pics of the mohawk, www.caringbridge.org/pa/carterfinger My Dad was describing him to someone yesterday and said When you talk to Carter it is like you are talking to a 20 something right out of college. He is so precious and smart and funny. I feel so privelaged and grateful for knowing them.

Now I am going to take a moment and vent. As most of you know, we have an annual blood drive in memory of ALex through Central Blood Bank. This year we were including Makayla. So at the beginning of July, I received a call from a woman the blood bank wondering if I would be interested in helping out Makayla's family to have a blood drive. I told her that I already was having one in August in my son's memory and having the blood donated to Makayla and to the oncology children at Children's. Later I found out that they now go in and ask the families to hold the blood drives. I was a little perturbed by this. Makayla's family was newly diagnosed, so much on their minds and they came in and made them feel that this was a necessary thing to do. Makayla's mom is not one to say no to anybody as are a lot of people unable to say, including myself. I thought it was very wrong of them to put this on these families. So I forgot about it all for a while, until I heard that the central blood bank lady in charge of "bullying" the families into having drives saw our flier for the blood drive at the onoclogy clinic with Alex and Makayla's picture on it and got a little angry and words were said because we had Makayla's picture on our flier. More or less saying that Makayla is her "territory". She knew inthe beginning that we were having this drive. And now that Carter is in patient, they have come in and said the they "heard" that they wanted to have a drive, Rhonda said no. Later that day, the woman who got mad about the picture called Howard's mom and said the same thing, that she heard they wanted to have a drive. If this doesn't sound like putting the guilt trip on families, I don't know what it sounds like. I understand that there is a need for blood, believe me I competely understand but I think it is morally wrong for them to be using these children and their families as a way to get blood. I think they should rethink their strategy and come up with a better way than putting the guilt trip on the parents of these children and quit being "vampires".
We are still in spite of everything having our blood drive on August 24 at Christian Life Church in Trafford. There is a need for blood and we were not "bullied" into having it so please come and donate your blood. If you are interested, please email me or call my mom , Cheryl at 724-864-0632 to make an appointment.

Thanks for letting me vent
Peace Out!

Saturday, August 5, 2006 7:35 AM CDT

Sometimes (or rather most of the time) life is unfair and doesn't make much sense. Three years ago, my baby boy was diagnosed with cancer, two years ago he left us for a better place in Heaven. There should be a law that once a family is effected by cancer, it needs to stay away from that family. Yesterday, my brother was diagnosed with testicular cancer. We know that if you are to get any cancer, testicular is the best kind to get, treated easily but it is still cancer and there are still fears.
Why does it seem like tragedies like this only happen to good families and good people. Not that I wish this on any body, but why always the good people. Murderers, child molesters, and all those weirdo will live forever with out any thing bad effecting them beside maybe prison time.
But then I think that there is a reason for everything and that God will take care of us all in one way or another, sometimes his way doesn't make sense at all but who are we to question Him.
But how hard it is not to question Him. Erik has been through way too much in the past 3 months. Anything that could go wrong, has gone wrong for him. Enough to make the most faithful question why? Please keep Erik and the rest of the family in your thoughts and prayers. He goes in on the 15th for surgery. We will see where it goes from there.

Also, prayers are needed for a family who's little girl was treated at Children's of Pgh for leukemia. Many of you may know her. Her name is Hannah and she has been the face of Central Blood Bank, on many of their commercials and was on billboards last year. Her father passed away suddenly of a heart attack last Monday on August 1. You can visit their site at www.caringbridge.org/pa/ourlittleangel.com When it rains, it storms...

Carter had his high dose chemo and is now at home waiting to go back in and collect his stem cells and then go to NY. I will be selling raffle tickets to help them with the expense of NY. If anyone is interested in buying some, get in touch with me.

Sorry for all of the crappy news. I have no good news to share. As Alex always said. This is suck!

Peace Out!

Thursday, July 27, 2006 3:08 PM CDT

Not too much new going on here. Neil is growing like a weed. He looks like a little beach boy, all tan and white hair. We watched my girlfriend's baby girl last weekend over night, Skyler. She is 3 months old and such a doll baby. She never cried the whole time. Neil was intrigued with everything about her. It was very cute. He is still talking about her and keeps saying how cute she is. No, it does not make me want another one for all that are saying that. When I get the baby urge, I will just borrow Skyler again.

Our dear friends, the Fingers, are in need of some heavy prayers. Carter was in Philly last week and his scans came back showing three new spots. He is in a lot of pain. He will be starting high dose chemo next week again. At first Carter didn't want to have the high dose and was giving Rhonda and Howard a hard time, but he finally relented. My heart is breaking for Rhonda and Howard to have to be in this terrible situation. How I wish I could take it all away for them.
They were meeting with the doctor today in the clinic so I ran over to visit with them. While in the waiting area, a little girl and her mom came in. I kept looking at her and thought she looked familiar. I said to Rhonda that I thought it was this little girl from our area who has NB also. When Carter was called in, the woman recognized his name and said something to them. Sure enough, it was little Mallory and her mom. We had gone on their web page many times and both Rhonda and I have emailed her but we never heard back from her. My Mom met them last year at the local Relay for Life. She is such a nice woman and Mallory is such a doll baby. When I told her who I was, she gave me such a huge hug and told me she had to show me something. I couldn't imagine what it could be. She went into her folder and pulled out a flyer from last year's blood drive that we had in Alex's memory. It was a very nice flyer with a cute picture of Alex and a little story about him. She said that she carries it with her and takes it out and reads it all the time. I was so touched. It just goes to show how many lives my Alex has touched without me even knowing. I am so glad that I finally met them. She is such a cutie. She was dressed in leopard skin, with her matching purse, sun hat and her little chiwawa (spelling?) dog in her arms. She looked like she was all ready to go shopping on Fifth Avenue.
I didn't get a chance to ask where she was in treatment but I have heard that she is still battling it. Please keep them in your prayers.

Happy Birthday to my Dad, my great friend Alicia, Neil's friend Zach, our neice Brooke and my brother Erik. All their bdays coming up in the next two weeks. And then even more after that!

For all of you ABLE and WILLING blood donors, our annual blood drive is coming up on Thursday, August 24 (Alex's birthday) at Christian Life Church in Trafford. The drive is in memory of Alex and the blood will dedicated to Makayla Slack (leukemia) and all of the children on 8N (the oncology unit) at Children's Hospital. The times are from 1pm -7pm. To schedule your time, please call Cheryl Renner (my mom) @ 724-864-0632 or the church office @ 412-856-4420. Please come and donate, you will be saving precious little lives with only about 1 hour of your time. It means so much to the children and their families. If youi are unable to give at our blood drive, you can always give at any other time and just tell them to put it in Alex Lonero's name and it will go to the oncology floor at Children's. Thank you!

Peace Out

Sunday, July 9, 2006 7:25 AM CDT

START SAVING YOUR BLOOD!!!!!! Our blood drive in memory of ALex will be coming up on August 24 (ALex's birthday) this year. The drive will be in Memory of our ALex and also a replenishment drive for Makayla Slack (ALL). It will be at Christian Life Church in Trafford. Please email me for more info or to make an appointment.

It is hard to believe that it is July already. The summer is going way to fast with toooooo many rainy days and not enough pool days. We didn't do too much for the 4th. ATe some food with some friends and that's about it. On the 4th, Neil fell asleep before the fireworks began.

My brother, ERik, was in a very bad car accident and had to be life flighted to Presby last Friday. Please keep him in your prayers for complete healing, physically and emotionally. It has been a hard week dealing with all that happened. If you looked at his truck and the crash site, he should not have survived. We believe he had a very special angel, named ALex, with him that night. We are thanking the Lord for allowing ERik to stay here with us on earth. He came away with some bad wounds, broken ribs, lacerated liver and collapsed lung. He is lucky that is all that went wrong. Please keep him in your prayers along with my mom for some peace of mind and rest after this long week.

And as always, please keep Carter and his family in your prayers, along with Makayla and her family as she is new to this terrible world of cancer. And my dad as his foot is still giving him some problems.

Peace Out

Thursday, June 29, 2006 9:22 AM CDT

The Grand Finale

It's getting late
And dusk is settling in
The 4th of July fireworks
Are about to begin.

I wonder how far is Heaven
As i look up to the night sky
And wonder if my child is watching
Just from the other side.

The fireworks have begun
As they fly into the sky
Just like my child, my angel
Who is forever soaring high.

The colorful bursts explode
Into a spectacular show of lights
And fill the heavens above
It's so beautiful and bright.

And as the fireworks fall
From the Heavens way up high
They burn out and it's dark again
And the crowd lets out a sigh.

But then another is lit..sparkling brilliantly
As the light trails through the night sky
I think I am beginning to understand
For it's the same when our loved ones die.

For a life that has burned brightly
Can never fade away
For it's rekindled through our memories
Each and every day.

So even though my child has gone
To the Heavens up above
Their light will always remain
And shine down on my with love.

And our grand finale will come
When we are reunited in Heaven again
But their light will always remain lit
Until then....

I hope that eveyone has a fun and safe Happy 4th of July!
WE are just hanging out at home. Having a cookout with some friends on Sun and hopefully if my friend Angie relents, I will be keeping her new baby overnight so that her and her husband can have a night to themselves. Neil is very excited and can't wait to take care of her.

We had a nice visit from family friends of PJ's last weekend. The Rosengarths from NJ. A wonderful family that I met right before we found out that Alex would not make it. We had taken the boys to Ocean City and PJ wanted to stop and say Hi to them on our way back. Alex touched their lives so much in that one short visit. He wouldn't talk to them, he was in a lot of pain and had stopped walking that weekend, but he still got into their hearts. Thank you Paul and Marion for the nice dinner. Neil had so much fun with the kids. Hopefully we will make it down there before the summer ends.

Please keep Carter, Makalya, my brother Erik and my Dad in your prayers. My brother's scans came back showing nothing wrong with him. It seems like just an ulcer. Prayers answered there, thanks.

Peace Out

Wednesday, June 21, 2006 6:20 AM CDT

Happy First Day of Summer!!!! It is going to be close to 90 degrees today. I am stuck at work today but tomorrow we are hanging at the pool!!!

I have many prayers requests today. First a sweet little girl from my church was diagnosed with leukemia last week. Her name is Makayla and is the cutest little thing. I found out in church on Sunday and seem to be having a difficult time with the whole thing. Her mom is a part of our small group of mom's who meet every month for lunch and a chance for the kids to play together. I'm remembering all of the fears and emotions when Alex was first diagnosed, it hurts. I keep telling the mom that things will get better and all of the scary things will seem normal after awhile, she will get used to it all. Please keep them in your prayers, the Mom's name is Joetta, the Dad is Jim and the older sister is Mackenzie (5yrs old, I think). I am selling candles to raise money for them and we are having a bake sale at our church the weekend after the 4th. If you are interested in buying some yummy smelling candles, please contact me through email (address at bottom of page).

We went out to eat with my Grandfather the other day and drove out past our old house (the first time I have been out there since we moved). It brought back a lot of emotions. It made miss Alex so much. I didn't miss the house, just Alex. The people who have moved into the house have it all garbaged up and that makes me upset. I worked so hard to make that house look as good as it possibly could and they come in and trash it. Sorry Chuck... The drive even made me sad. I remembered all of the times that Alex and I drove those rodes together.

Tonight and tomorrow on PBS they are airing a special documentary on pediatric cancer and the effects that it has on the family. They follow five families throughout the child's treatment, it seems like it will be very truthful and does not leave anything out. I think that it is a good thing for everybody to watch. It might be hard but it is the hard truth and it is what these families go through on a daily basis. It will give you a better understanding on famiy and friends who are going through this terrible nightmare. It starts at 9pm-11pm tonight and tomorrow. Of course I am taping it, so if anyone wants to borrow, please feel free to ask.

Last but not least, please keep Carter in your prayers as he is in Philly getting scans this week. He will be starting a new oral chemo. My sweet baby Neil wanted to go again but we were unable to this time. So instead he sent his favorite stuffed cat, Paublo(named after a little boy in a Mexico orphanage that my mom sponsers) to Philly with Carter in his place. Paublo was a big hit the last time we went with them. I heard last night that Paublo got a bruise on his chin but Carter took care of him and bandaged him up. Thank you Carter, please take care of him and bring him back safe and sound with no more boo boos!

Also keep my brother, Erik and his family in your prayers as he is going through a very difficult time right now. He has to have his gall bladder out and is going through a very messy divorce and is missing my nephew EJ very much. He needs some much needed prayers sent his way.
And one more prayers request and I'm done, my Dad is having a lot of problems with his foot and needs some prayers for some healing. Thanks.

Peace Out!

Thursday, June 15, 2006 3:08 PM CDT

The Gift

Here I sit and stare
Out the window of our home
On this Father's Day
Feeling so very alone.

Oh, how I wish
My child was still here
Bringing me a Father's Day gift
Even an ugly tie would be so nice this year.

But my child has gone on to Heaven
And is playing on streets of gold
Listening to Jesus tell stories
Of so many years ago.

And today I find myself thinking
About the meaning of a gift
For a gift is something given to you
That makes you smile and gives you a lift.

But many times we receive a gift
And then lose it or misplace it some day
But we never forget the gift
For the memories remain tucked away.

I think I have concluded
On this Father's Day
That since a gift is your once given
It can never be taken away.

And the most precious gift that I was given
So many years ago
Was the day my child entered this world
And touched my life, heart and soul.

So on this Father's Day
I thank the Lord for the most precious gift of mine
My child in Heaven...treasured times and memories
That will remain with me my entire lifetime.

For a gift is a gift
And my most precious gift remains in my heart
And just then a rainbow appears out my window
Reminding me that my gift and Heaven are not so far.

Happy Father's Day to all of you Dads out there!

Peace Out

Wednesday, June 7, 2006 6:17 AM CDT

My dear Alex, it is so hard to believe it has been two years since I last held you, heard your beautiful tiny voice, wathced you play with your brother, smelled you. We had a beautiful celebration on Saturday with many friends and family. We sent up lots of balloons for you. We collected a ton of snacks for the oncology floor at the hospital in your memory. It was like Christmas, but snacks instead of toys. Yesterday, Neil and I went swimming and then just hung out at home the rest of the day. WE miss you and love you and can't wait to see you again one day.

Our picnic turned out very nice on Saturday. The rain stopped just in time for the kids to beable to play outside on the playground. We collected so many snacks and a big thanks to everyone who brought them. We collected enough to last hopefully two months. WE will collect them again for the boys birthdays in August. Next year we are only going to do the lemonade stand on the lemonade weekend in ALex's memory. WE have decided not to have one this summer as we have so much going on. I am collecting on my first giving website and you can easily go on there and donate money in ALex's memory. www.firstgiving/alexlonero.

Please keep CArter and his family in your prayers. The trip to Philly last week showed another new spot on Carter's spine. They will do some high dose chemo here in Pgh, harvest some stem cells and then travelt o NY for treatment again. Other than the spots showing up on his scan, you would never know that he has cancer. He had has laughing the whole trip. We had Maria with us this time and made the best of it. The kids had a fun time. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. www.caringbridge.org/carterfinger

Thank you to all who remembered Alex and my family yesterday. It feels like he is already being forgotten and that is hard for me. He is my son and always will be. He might not be here but he is in our hearts everyday and is still a big part of our lives. I guess this is just another stage in the "grieving process".

Peace Out

Sunday, May 28, 2006 7:19 AM CDT

Happy Memorial Day!

My next week or so will be a hectic one. I probably will not update for a couple of weeks. I am working this wonderful holiday weekend. Then Neil and I are off to Philly with Carter and Rhonda for some tests. On Saturday, June 3, we will have our memorial celebration to remember my ALex. And then PJ, Neil and myself are off for a camping excursion at the PA Grand Canyon for a long, much needed weekend of relaxing, eating, sitting around a campfire, sleeping in a tent and remembering our little man.
He has been our minds so much lately. It is hard to believe that it has been two years already. I miss him so much and believe me, I would do anything to have him back but I have come to accept what has happened. Alex is not coming back and no matter how much I cry or mourn isnot going to change that fact. I have my moments that I remember him with a smile or a tear and sometimes both but my life must go on. Alex would not want me to be constantly sad, Neil does not want to see his Mommy crying all of the time and depressed. Neil has suffered enough already. He has lost his only brother, why take away his Mommy away from him also. So I live everyday with Alex on my mind. Almost everything that I do, I do for him, to keep his memory living, to make sure that people do not forget my precious baby boy. My little boy left an impact on so many people's lives in such a short time, he deserves to be remembered. If anyone wants to come help us remember Alex, you are more than welcome to come on June 3 at Christian Life Church in Trafford. We would love to remember with you.
I've been smelling ALex everywhere lately. I had a stack of papers yesterday at work that reminded me of his steroid medicine that he took. Strange! What I wouldn't do to smell his stinky, dirty, worn-out blank. He would wear it around his neck all of the time. He had to have a "tag corner". He would wake me up all night long looking for that dang tag corner. It was a very colorful (pink, blue, yellow, white) and soft blanket when we got if for a baby shower gift. It had to be washed so much because of all of the times that he threw up on it that it was a ugly gray color and was see through. It became the "catch all". If he was about to vomit and there was nothing around, we would catch the vomit in the blank. Or if we were in the hospital and didn't care where it went, I would rip the blank out of the way so that he wouldn't throw up on it before doing anything else. I loved that blank! We watch the home movies now and see that blanket and yearn to touch and smell it. We buried it with him, with the tag corner in his little hand.
I was babysitting the other day and Neil was calling the little boy his brother. The little girl got mad and told Neil that he was not his brother, he was hers. Neil stood up and very sternly yelled "He is my brother because my brother died!" Talk about heart break...

Please remember my ALex on June 6. Do something fun and crazy in his memory. Send some balloons up to him, watch some Austin Powers or Veggie Tales, tell someone you love that "they are suck", say stinkin darnit when you get mad and tell your loved ones that you love them, hug and kiss your children and let them know how much they mean to you, make some wonderful memories with them, take a moment and play with them instead of cleaning or doing what adults do.

Peace Out!

Thursday, May 18, 2006 5:22 PM CDT

I went back and read past journals from two years ago. On this day two years ago I talked about Alex having a bad day. He had been up all night restless and cranky. He had been picking at everything and we thought it was funny. He would sit there on the couch and pick at the blanket, put the fuzz into his ears! and pick it back out. He would take off his socks and pick the fuzz out from between his toes. He'd pick his lips. Two years ago today I remember telling his doctor about his picking and she was very interested. Later in the day the nurse came to sign him onto hospice care and she gave me booklets on what to "expect". One of the signs to look for was picking at things. This occured around one - two weeks before they would pass on... I read this and cried and cried. It really hit me hard then. This was truly happening to us. I was really going to lose my baby boy. What would I do in one - two weeks? There was so much that we wanted to do with ALex still.

We watched home movies on Mother's Day. It was right after he was diagnosed. Lots of tears and lots of laughter. That Alex was a fiesty one. Yelling at everyone all of the time. Every chance he got he was rolling on Neil (who was 6 months old at the time) Neil would be laughing hysterically, we would be yelling at ALex to get off of him. we didn't realize just how much Neil looks like and acts like Alex until we watched the movie. Like twins except Alex had the dimples and the space between his front teeth. He was so darn cute...

Neil and I will be traveling to Philly with Rhonda and Carter again at the end of the month. Neil is looking forward to it again. He had so much fun with carter. Then we will have our memorial celebration after that.

Peace Out!

Sunday, May 14, 2006 7:41 AM CDT

Here is a wonderful poem another angel mom left on my guestbook. Get the kleenex ready...

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from Heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I dee everything from here
I just popped in to visit your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistak I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a crd from a child who lives in Heaven.
She is still mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
That though I live in Heaven now, I still love my mother so
She talks with me and dreams with me; we still share laughter too
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you My Hallmark, I know you'll do your best
I have done all I can do, to you I'll leave the rest
Find a way to tell her how much she means to me
Until I can do it myself,when she joins me in eternity.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you Moms out there. May this day be filled with joy and wonderful memories of your children here on earth and the ones who are in Heaven above. I thank God everyday for making me a Mom to my two beautiful boys. It is the best gift anyone could ever give to me.

Peace Out!

Thursday, May 11, 2006 8:35 AM CDT

Just a quick update. I am babysitting and it's a calgon moment, dogs barking, kids screaming and fighting!

Anyways we had a nice time in Philly. Carter's scan came back stable with some decreae in the disease and he started another month of oral chemo. He has to go back at the end of the month and we hope to go with them again. Neil had a great time and is still talking about it. While there we visited a little boy who is in transplant now from Johnstown, PA. The mom was so surprised to see me there she about fell off of her chair! Elijah is doing good and hopefully coming home soon. But in Philly they do back to back transplants and he will be going back in three weeks after he gets out. Pleae keep them in your prayers. They are having a Lomgaberger basket bingo on May 21 out in Johnstown if anyone is interested in going, get in touch with me and I'll give directions. We are going out so if you are from around here, you can follow us.

I had my final test at school on monday and I am done for the summer. I'm not sure if school is harder when you are young or old. Only one day a week was enough for me.

Again we are doing the Relay for Life in July and I am looking for team members for my team. If you are interested, please get in touch with me.
We are having a memorial party on June 3 to remember my Alex and get together with family and friends and eat and remember Alex.
Please visit www.firstgivings/alexlonero to donate to Alex's Lemonade Stand in Alex's memory.

Peace Out!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006 6:29 AM CDT

Two hearts we were as one on earth
Two hearts that were entwined
My love for him was very strong
He lives inside my mind
His twinkling eyes got weary
His beating heart took rest
His lovely life just slipped away
That life so full of zest
I know he's gone to Heaven
From earth he slipped away
But faith in you my dearest Lord
Keeps me strong everyday
Two hearts once beat together
Now one beats all alone
I know one day we'll meet
Dear Lord
The day you call me home.

~Dawn Glenton~

The spaghetti dinner was a huge success. We had a lot of fun doing it. Everything was yummy delicious. It was clear by all of the help and people coming to eat that they are very loved and lucky to have all of those people on their side. "We" being the many that love you guys!!!
I have rearranged my work schedule so that I can join Rhonda and Carter on their trip to Philly next week. It will be fun going on a little road trip with them. I am anxious to see the other CHOP.

Two years ago today I received news that no parent should ever have to hear. Two years ago today I stood in Alex's hospital room in NY staring back at a group of doctors who were there to tell me that there was nothing left to do for Alex but love him. That the xray showed a large mass in his chest. No surgery, no more chemo, no more meds could help him...I remember so much of that day so clearly. Hating the fact that they came into the room as a group and stood there and told me as I was standing like they were telling something good. I hated that fact that there was a family on the other side of the curtain listening to this nightmare, I hated being in NY City by myself getting this news, I hated those doctors, that hospital, the Ronald McDonald house, that city and I especially hated this damn cancer! They didn't want me to go home, they wanted us to stay and start some radiation in NY, I hated that and fought them on that to send us home to our family. We tried so hard to get a flight back home, we were not allowed to drive home. The medical flights kept falling through, finally my Mom bought us tickets and we went home the next day. I hated traveling to the airport with my son in so much pain. We sat there waiting to board the plane and I asked the attendant if we could get on first. She came over and asked what was wrong with Alex and I told her, she kneeled down in front of us and cried with me and prayed, right there in the terminal. How I wish I remembered her name.
When we got back to Pgh, PJ came into the ER room and said that Rhonda and carter were there. Carter had just relapsed, I found her and we cried for each other. What a terrible disease. I hate it the most.

It was raining and ugly yesterday, Neil asked me if it was raining at the cemetary, he was worried about it. He amazes me so much. I told him last night to dream of Alex and about going to Philly with CArter next week, he told me he only dreams about "actors". You know Bob the Builder, Thomas the Train, Spongebob. What a character!

Please visit www.firstgiving/alexlonero to donate to Alex's Lemonade Stand in my ALex's memory.

One of ALex's favorite sayings was "Stinkin Darnit" He would say it when he was mad about something. Which was quite often. I'm not sure where he picked that up at, it must have been his Dad! Surely not me! Our last visit to the hospital he started telling people that they broke his heart. He told a doctor that and I think that broke that doctor's heart...

Peace Out!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006 6:43 AM CDT

It seems as if yesterday
You held out your hand
For a walk in the park
A play in the sand.

I know it was just last night
I tucked you in bed
Saying our prayers
With a kiss on the head.

Sometimes I wonder why you had to go
But the answer to this I already know
So much suffering just can't go on
I finally had realized what I knew all along.

I had so much to say
I Love You's to tell
I started to slip
And I almost fell.

But I kept on moving
One day at a time
My memories kept going
On and on in my mind.

The day you were born
Your first big boy bike
I know you put these there
for me to keep in sight.

I know you are with me
Each hour and minute
I feel you around me
There seems to be no limit.

So my darling baby boy
I want you to know
I miss you and Thank you
For helping me let you go.

We had a wonderful Easter. Neil got toooo much candy and of course I need to help him eat it all....not good. This weekend is the spaghetti dinner for Carter Finger. Everyone please come help support their family. My Mom and I are making the spaghetti so it will be good!!!! All of the info is on Carter's website and you can go there at the bottom of my page, just click on their link.

We will be having a small memorial/party on June 3 at our church, Christian Life Church in Trafford, to remember our Alex and be with family and friends. If you want to come you are more than welcome, just drop me an email and let me know so that we can know how many to expect. It is hard to believe he has been gone for almost two years....Neil wore the same outfit that Alex wore on his last Easter. Neil looked so much like ALex. We were in Disney two years ago today. Enjoying our wonderful time with our babies. Such a big thank you to Make A Wish and especially you wonderful ladies(you know who you are) that were with us through it all. You gave us all such wonderful memories that we will cherish forever. We tell Neil that we will take him back there when he is older because he doesn't remeber much. It will definitely be bittersweet. We will definitely visit Give Kids the World where the clown garbage can that talked was and Alex was so afraid of it at first and then MamMaw made a game of it to feed it napkins after every meal and he thought it was the greatest thing. We miss you and love you Alex!

Peace Out!

Saturday, April 15, 2006 6:40 AM CDT

Here comes Peter Cottontail
Hopping down the bunny trail
Hippity Hop, Easter's on its way.

In the story of Peter Rabbit
Peter wanted to get into the garden so bad
He was very determined and tried everyway
So did we..we searched for a cure with all we had.

Just like Peter all seemed great for awhile
We thought we had won and we would never part
The treatments seemed to be working
We were so happy with all our hearts.

Like when the farmer saw Peter and yelled "Stop Thief!"
We wanted to yell that too
When we heard the news...My child had relapsed
And there was nothing more they could do.

Peter Rabbit was most dreadfully frightened
For he had forgotten his way
Sometimes we lose our way from God also
And in the midst of our sorrow back away.

As we stumble, God catches us
Just like He lead Peter on that day
He guides us in the right directions
And shows us the way.

I thank God for blessing my life with my child
Even though my child left earth too soon
I would only change the outcome, but I would not trade
Even a minute for all the stars and the moon.

At the end of the story of Peter Rabbit
He did get out and didn't get caught
And this is so true of disease..Some are cured
But some children are not.

So, I am here today
With a purpose and a cause
childhood disease the purpose
And better cures the cause.

This Easter let us all celebrate life
How precious each day is with our children
Lets thank God for the gift of eternal life
And for those who have lost a loved one
Knowing we will see them in Heaven again.

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!!
We are ready for the Easter Bunny in our house. Today is the big egg hunt at our friends house and for the first time I am missing out on it because of work. Oh well. Two years ago was very special for many of us at their house. We stayed later and hung out and created many wonderful memories with Alex. It was a very special day. I am thankful that God gave us that great day and that our friends are able to remember back on that day and think of ALex and how much fun we all had. Two days later we left for Disney and made even more wonderful memories with ALex. Happy Easter ALex. You get to eat Easter dinner at the great table with the most wonderful host ever. We miss you and love you.

Peace Out!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006 7:56 AM CDT

The germs have hit our house this year. I have never been so sick in my life. About a month ago I had a bad head cold. Three days after Neil was throwing up, it hit me but much harder. I can't remember the last time I was that sick and now I have some kind of chest cold thing going on. What is happening!!!! Me being the germaphobic that I am, how am I getting all of these germs??? I'm not very happy about it all....
The weather is beautiful. Spring is finally here! Tomorrow we go visit the Easter Bunny at the mall. Neil is very excited. Last Friday I went with my church to feed the homeless in downtown Pgh. What an eye opening experience! I really enjoyed myself and it felt so good to do something so big for people who were so appreciative. It is something that I think I will do all of the time now. Our church goes every other month.
I have set up a website that anyone can go on and donate money to Alex's Lemonade Stand in my ALex's memory. The website address is www.firstgiving.com/alexlonero Please log on and help me to reach my goal. It is a very cool thing. Check it out!
This next info should have been the first thing i talked about. Carter's scans came back clear!!!! Praise God!!! I talked with Rhonda yesterday and she said he started his new chemo and was not feeling very well but she was hopeing to come home earlier than they first thought. please keep them in your prayers. Click on their site at the bottom of my page to learn more about Carter and all of the exciting events coming up to help him and his family get through this tough time.

I hope that everyone has a blessed Easter!

www.firstgiving.com/alexlonero
Please visit and help out a wonderful cause!

Peace Out!!!

Sunday, April 2, 2006 8:04 AM CDT

Dear Mr Easter Bunny,
I just had to write today
To see if you stop in Heaven
As you hop along your way?

You see...a part of me is up there
That I miss with all my heart
You see...my brother lost his battle
With a disease that tore our lives apart.

So, I wanted to know if you go there
And if I could ask a favor of you?
Can yoiu take him a basket to Heaven
Filled with eggs and bunnies too?

And could you please add a green egg for me?
Mom says green means new life and rest,
For my brother is now resting in Heaven
No more pain and no more tests.

And could you also add an orange egg for me?
Orange is the color of a candles flame,
For my brother's little light will always shine
Although our lives will never be the same.

And could you add an egg so blue?
For blue is the color of a cloudless sky,
And when I see the geese flying over me
I know it's a sign from him way up high.

And we can't forget a yellow egg..
For yellow is the color of the rising sun,
And my brother's love will shine down on me
For all my days and nights to come.

And we also need a rainbow colored egg,
For the rainbow way up high in the sky,
For mom says he will always live within me
And his spirit will never die.

And last but not least a red egg if you could?
For we all know red is the color of love
And I love my brother oh so much
Please send my love to him above.

Thank you Mr. Easter Bunny..
I really appreciate your time today
And I will say a prayer for you too
As you hop to Heaven for me on Easter Day.

When you take his basket up to Heaven..
Can you please whisper in his ear?
And wish him the happiest Easter from me
For I miss him more with each passing year.

This is the week three years ago that all hell broke loose and we first heard the most evil word we will ever hear in our lives, "neuroblastoma". Neuro what!?! Neuroblahblahblah ?!? We went into the ER on April 7, they wanted to start an IV, I remember having to leave the room and standing outside the room listening to my baby cry hysterically. I walked into a vending room and looked out the window and cried while I thought, "What the hell is happening?" That night they had to put a bag on him to collect his urine and he was fine with that until they came in at 4am to remove it and he screamed bloody murder. I kept thinking this was all too much for us. When would it end? A couple of hours later they brought in the contrast for him to drink for his CT scan, he wouldn't drink it. Again another catostrophe, he wouldn't drink it, so they had to take him into the procedure room to put a tube down his nose. I still remember those blue eyes looking at me with such questioning in them that no child should ever look at their parent with. Why was I allowing these people to do these things to him? After the CT, we were sent into a little room to "recover" and wake up. I stood there at his crib praying to God with all I had that everything be all right with my baby. We got to our room and PJ was there with Neil. Neil wasn't allowed there! My boys couldn't be together at this terrible time. When we really needed to be a whole family. They ripped us apart. I remember everything about that day, my thoughts, the smells of the hospital, what was on tv, what I ate for dinner. Crap...
Neil came down with touch of something yeasterday while I was at work. PJ called frantic because he threw up all over the place. Come on PJ, he acted like he didn't know what to do, he has had enough experience with puke and cleaning it up. He told me later that it gave him flashbacks... This morning he is feeling fine and ready to go to church. All is fine. Except the smell of throw up in my living room and the big wet spot that PJ didn't know what to do with?! My spot cleaner wasn't sucking up!

Please help support our cute friend, Carter. He has a spaghetti dinner coming up and a scrapbooking fundraiser also. I am not typing all of the info again! Visit them at www.caringbridge.org/pa/carterfinger for all of the info. I also have tickets to the dinner if anyone wants one, let me know.

Peace Out!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 8:26 AM CST

FOREVER

Forever I will miss you, forever I will cry.
Why did you have to leave this earth
And gain your wings to fly?
You know I loved you dearly,
More than anyone could know,
Why did you have to leave so soon?
Why did you have to go?
My heart down here is broken,
And it can never mend,
Forever I protected you,
Until the very end.
I pray to God for answers,
I talk to Him each day,
I hope that you can hear me Lord,
As on bended knees I pray.
Take good care of my child up there,
He was much wanted here,
Wrap your arms around him please
And tell him I still care.
Let him know I love him so
And will forever more.
Keep him protected, safe and warm.
And wrapped in love so pure.

~Dawn Glenton

Happy Spring!!!!!! Finally this week it seems like we might finally get some spring weather! I've had a busy month. I got my paper turned in and I'm still waiting to hear how I did, the baby shower turned out wonderful (thanks to my mom for all of her help). Neil is doing great. Funny as always. Keeping us all on our toes. I remember worrying because he really didn't start to talk until he turned three, the child NEVER stops! Question after question. Why this, why that, what's that? Yesterday he wore me out with all of his jibbering. Poor Mam Maw and Pap Pap have to endure it today and tomorrow. Sorry guys! We went to the cemetary the other week and they had gone through and did their spring cleaning (last year they took my fence away) this year they took all of my rocks! I really didn't think that they would take the landscaping rocks away but they did. Included int he rocks were Bob and Larry (Veggie Tales) rocks that Neil and MamMaw found and colored and decorated like them. Neil was so upset! They also took sticks that he kept over in the pine trees. He would get those sticks every time we went there and play with them, he did this from day one and he would always put them back in the trees for safe keeping. Poor Neil.

I signed up to do the Norwin RElay for Life this July. We will have a team walking and also an Alex's Lemonade Stand. I am very excited, it will be tons of fun. I have to come up with a name for the team (any ideas, please feel free to let me know) If anyone wants to support my team financially, I would be forever grateful. Please let me know. i have not yet set a goal for myself but I know I want alot of money!!!!!!

Peace Out!

************Carter Finger News***************

Ice Cream Social and Silent Auction
Thursday, March 30 6:30 pm - 8:00 pm
Chartiers Valley Primary School Cafeteria
125 Thoms Run Road
Bridgeville, PA 15017
$10 per family

Spaghetti Dinner Chinese Auction and BAke Sale
Sunday, April 23 2:00pm -6:00pm
Hillside Christian Community Church
1050 Campbells Run Road
Carnegie, PA 15106
Adults $8, children 5-10 $5 4 and under free
If anyone would like to donate items or money, please get in touch with me though my email (bottom of page) or call me at 724-864-1930(Gretchen)

Scrapbooking party and Chinese Auction
April 29th 11am - 9pm
Chartiers Valley High School Cafeteria
Cost $10
Contact Taryn Briggs email jbriggs614@aol.com

Sunday, March 5, 2006 4:26 PM CST

I am reading another of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' wonderful books, On Children and Death, and found this poem and had to share it.

My Brother's Gone

Daddy says he's gone away
Mama says that he is dead
But he was here just yesterday
I'm not sure what they have said.

Daddy looks so very sad
And Mama keeps on cryin'
This whole thing's awful scarey
All because of brother's dyin'.

His teddy bear sits on his bed
His jammys are in the drawer
It's scarey sleepin' all alone
Be sure to close the closet door.

Daddy says he's in Heaven now
I wonder where that's at
Mama says someday we'll all be there
But I'm not too sure about that.

I wish that I were magic
Then, you know what I would do?
I'd make him jump right outa that box
So he could run and play with me too.

But magic isn't real
At least that's what Mama said
So I guess I'll have to sleep alone
And Alex will have to be dead...

~Author Unknown~

We always wonder how much Neil comprehends about ALex. Does he really remember him or are his memories just from listening to us talk about him? He talks a lot about the old house and Alex being there, when we came down to Children's last year for the memorial service he seemed to remember that was where ALex always was at. Afterwards was when he started asking for him alot. The other night we had a conversation about our dear friend Bubba who recently passed away in November. Neil had been sleeping with a little bear that was Alex's. On Alex's last stay at Children's, Bubba was down for chemo and they stopped in to visit and brought Alex a bear with a balloon. I told Neil that the bear was given to ALex by Bubba and that Bubba was in Heaven with ALex now. He said that he remembered going to visit Bubba with Carter's mom, Rhonda. He asked if Alex had come and taken Bubba to Heaven...I told him that he probably was there with Jesus and other loved ones. Neil then said that Alex could not fly yet. He would get his wings when he got bigger. Then he went on to tell me that he is now the same size as ALex. And proceeded to hold his arms out to show me how big ALex was. What a baby doll.

I've been staying very busy. I have a paper due in one week and have not started it yet!!!! Help!! i've been working, babysitting for a friend a couple of days a week, trying to keep up at my house, planning a baby shower for next Sunday for my best friend since 2nd grade. But I love it all! Staying busy!

I will share one of my very favorite Alex stories today. It is not funny, just very touching. And now when I think back on it I believe my little man knew so much more than we did, he was so much more wiser than other children, he was an "old soul" as they are called. Which is why I believe he was my "best friend" from day one.
It was the day that he was diagnosed with NB, April 8, 2003. He was lying in his big hospital crib trying to go to sleep for the night and I was standing at his crib singing "Jesus Loves Me" to him. When I finished he simply said, "I'll be alright Mommy, don't worry." And that he was.

Peace Out

Friday, February 24, 2006 6:35 AM CST

A MOTHER'S GRIEF

She carries such a heavy heart, her tears will often flow,
Seems everyone's avoiding her, seems no-one wants to know,
Her grief she carries all alone, nobody seems to care,
Or help her ease this burden, this burden she must bear.
Her baby has just left her, but where, where did he go?
Why did he have to leave so soon, and will she ever know?
A mother's grief's a lonely path, she only wants her child,
For other's understanding, their love, if only mind.
To talk of her lost baby, acknowledge her real pain,
To tell her life will soon be bright, she'll see her child again.
For he has gone to Heaven, an Angel up above,
Where there's no tears or dying, just great eternal love.
Try understand this mother's grief, praise God it was not you,
That lost your precious, wanted child, for he was wanted by you.
~Dawn Glenton~

Our lives have been busy. Classes are going good. I have my first test htis Monday and then I have to start on a 5-7 page paper, Ugh! Not looking forward to the paper. I haven't done one of those since high school and then I just copied right from the book. I am enjoying them though. It feels good to go back to school and not being made to.

Spring is on its way and I can't wait! With Spring, though, will come all of the memories of ALex. It seems so much worse now. The date of diagnosis, going to NY for treatment, going to Disney, finding out there was nothing left to do but love him. It is affecting everyone, PJ said that he was missing the old farm house, really? I asked. The more I thought of it I think he is just missing Alex, my mom talked of Disney. Instead of thinking of ALex only 90% of the day, I'm thinking of him 98% of the day! I think that the spring is harder for me to handle than his actual day of earning his angel wings. But God is by our sides and we will get through this, because we have to do it every year for the rest of our lives whether we like it or not.

We are looking to have a spaghetti dinner to raise funds for Carter Finger and family in April. It will be held at their church in Carnegie. For now we are planning for April 22 so mark your calender! We went out to lunch with Carter and his mom last Friday and had a good time. The kids played at Mr Rogers Neighborhood at the mall. Neil would be screaming for Carter, he just loves him. And thanks so much to Carter's Grandma for the wonderful clothes!

*Alex Memory*
When Alex would eat, he would take a bite, nod his head up and down while he chewed and wiggle his fingers. (We all have our odd habits!) We now sit and watch Neil do the same thing every once in while...

Peace Out!

Thanks to everyone who signs the guestbook. I see the counter go up everyday but not many people sign. I know it is hard to know what to say, but just a friendly "HI" will let me know that you are out there.

Sunday, February 5, 2006 1:51 PM CST

When we have done all the work we were sent to Earth to do, we are allowed to shed our body, which imprisons our soul like a cocoon encloses the future butterfly.
And when the time is right, we can let go of it and we will be free of pain, free of fears and worries-free as a very beautiful butterfly, returning home to God.
~from The Wheel of Life- A Memoir of Living and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

A wonderful author and woman. She accomplished so much in her lifetime, it amazes me. She has written many books on Death and Dying that are must reads for anyone.

HERE WE GO, STEELERS, HERE WE GO! WE ARE GOING TO WIN THE SUPERBOWL! GOOOOO STEELERS!

Valentines..To Heaven

This Valentine is not of the ordinary kind;
It's still filled with love and blessings inside;
But mine has to be sent on the wings of love..
You see, its destination is the Heavens above.

It's not being sent to my parents so dear
For they are still with me each day of the year.
It's being sent to my child who left earth too soon
Who's now in the Heavens with the stars and the moon.

The message is the same as your valentine
"I love you my sweet precious child of mine."
My love is still deeper than the ocean is blue
And it's sent with hugs and kisses from me to you.

I know you are with me each and every day
You listen as I talk to you and hear what I say
For that is one thing that disease cannot do
You'll always be apart of me and me apart of you.

I know God did not give you the awful disease
Thank Him for His comfort He gives me, would you please
I don't know what I would do without His undying love
Sent to bereaved parents from the Heavens above.

I know you are in the best of care
But it's so hard for us left on earth to bear
Could you put in a request from us left behind
For God to send the knowledge, so a cure we can find.

So that no other family has to go through this pain
Our lives without you will never be the same
When I get lonely I will look to the sky at night
And see you shining down your big bright light.

Happy Valentines Day Sunshine..I miss you so much
I know you know how many lives you have touched
You'll always be mine..I love you will all my heart
I know we'll be together again and then we'll never part.

So you see the meaning is still the same
The method of delivery is the only change
Mine must be sent by a little white dove
On the wings of Love.

Two years ago on Valentines Day, Alex and I went down to the hospital for radiation treatment. We made out Buzz Light Year and Nemo Valentines for all of the nurses and doctors. We stopped on the way and bought some doughnuts for us to enjoy. He was very happy handing out all of his cards to his favorite caretakers.

Alex would come up and give us hugs and kisses and we would ask him what he was doing, he would say "Loving you." He was such the cuddle bug. Loved to cuddle, especially with mommy.

Peace Out!

Friday, January 27, 2006 4:44 PM CST

HERE WE GO STEELERS!!! HERE WE GO STEELERS!!! HERE WE GO STEELERS!!!

We are still here. Finally getting over colds that seemed to linger and linger. Poor Neil, up coughing all night. He asked me where he got his cough, he didn't like it. His little nose would run all day and he was constantly (every minute) asking for a tissue. So we taught him a very bad habit. One that worked well for Alex. After Alex's transplant, his nose ran ALL the time. PJ (being the Dad that he is) taught him to just wipe it on his shirt. If he had something dark on, all you saw was boogers all over his sleeves, Nice! So we taught Neil, yes we are great parents! I put a tshirt on him the other day and he looked at me and said "Mommy, how will I wipe my nose?!!!"

I started my class last week. It feels good to be back in school. I think that I will really enjoy this, except the paper writing, ugh! I am tossing an idea around and hoping to get it together. There is no type of support group for parents who have children with cancer. I am trying to start up a group of parents to meet and just discuss their child's treatments, their worries, just be with someone else who understands what you are going through. The whole time we were going through treatment, I felt so lost and desperately wanted someone to talk with who went through what I was going through. It wasn't until later that I met more parents. I have many great ideas and hopefully with the help of some great friends, I will be able to get this started. I would like to be able to offer gas cards, phone cards, gift cards to restaurants. So many ideas. Please pray for me that I can get this started and that we would have enough parents to come to it. I am very excited about it! If any one has any ideas or input of any kind, please contact me either by email at loneroga@upmc.org or call me at 724-864-1930.

We are missing Alex. I look at Neil now and think this is the age that Alex was before he passed away. I think it will be hard this year when Neil passes up Alex's age. Alex seemed so much more mature than Neil is. My poor baby knew too much and had gone through too much for his sweet tender age. We wonder how tall he would be, what would he look like. No parent should have to wonder these things. We should all know.

A funny Alex moment:
We were at our dear friends, the Cynkars for a party, Alex, Zach and Zach's cousin took off for upstairs. Right at the moment I realized that they were upstairs, it hit me that three boys wrestling around unattended was not a good thing with a broviac line. I started running up the stairs, wasn't at the top of them yet when I heard, "Look at my B-lion!" I screamed "NOOOO!" ran in the room and there was Alex with his shirt pulled up and Zach with his hand on the line ready to pull it. Not funny at the time, but now it is. Poor baby was proud of that damn "b-lion".

Peace OUt!
HERE WE GO STEELERS!!! HERE WE GO STEELERS!!! HERE WE GO STEELERS!!!

Thursday, January 12, 2006 8:40 AM CST

2006, yet another year that Alex will never see. Going into our second year without him. Two years ago this month we left the hospital from his stem cell transplant with nothing but hope and prayers that it worked. Only to find out soon after that it didn't.
I started the new year off "fresh?" (not sure what word to use) The day after the new year, I took down the tree, was on a roll so I took down Neil's crib...It has been up since Alex was born. It was like "losing" two babies. Neil is now a "Big Boy". I then looked at all of Alex's medical supplies that I have been holding onto. I thought about it and thought about it and said "Why am I keeping this stuff, what use is it to me, keeping it will not bring ALex back. I am reading a book called "The year of magical thinking" by Joan Didion. It is about grief and after her husband died she couldn't get rid of his shoes or clothes, just in case he came back. I guess that was what I was doing without really thinking about it. So I went through everything, kept what we could use, threw away some and brought some into the clinic at CHP. Big step...
Then... I have Alex's old dresser in Neil's room and Neil's dresser in the computer room. Alex's is bigger and Neil's clothes were spilling out of his. I still had the clothes that Alex was wearing when he passed away in the dresser. I finally took all of Alex's clothes out and put Neil's clothes in it. Some of the clothes Neil could be wearing now. Another big step...
I put a pair of pajamas on Neil last night that Alex must have worn alot because they really reminded me of Alex. As I put them on him, I told him that they were Alex's and take care of them. He said, Oh I remember, at the old house.
So as I was getting ready for work this morning I was thinking of Neil in these pjs. For some reason I thought of when he was first diagnosed and how heartbreaking it was to see him trying to walk around the room and my brother coming down to visit and giving him his lucky fishing hat. The feelings of that day still within me. The movie "Alex" always replaying in my mind. But it is always after he was diagnosed. I do not think much about the days before that. How odd. For those who did not know Alex, he wore that lucky fishing hat all of the time, with his collection of pins on it. It now sits on Pj's dresser, I pick it up and dust it with the rest of the stuff.
Another big step I did this year, was sign up for classes in Social Work. I start this month and I am very excited! I can't believe I am a student again! I decided a while back that I really did not want to be a nurse. Everyone keeps telling me that Social Workers do not make much money but it is what I really enjoy doing. I get so much out of helping others and really feel like I am doing something useful. I will keep you updated on all of that.

For the new year, I will put an ALex memory on each update.

Whenever Alex would see someone and wonder about them, he would ask, "What's that guy for? or What's that guy about?" Or one of my favorites "What's that noise sound?"

Peace Out

Thursday, December 29, 2005 9:04 AM CST

New Years Countdown
For Grieving Families

TEN
10 more minutes until the new year...
And one more year farther away..Farther away from the memories I hold so dear..Please God..I'm so afraid I will forget..please help me to remember year after year.

NINE
9 more minutes until the new year...
And one more year farther along..Farther along my journey of grief I thought I walked alone..Please God..Continue to walk with me as no roads are walked alone..you are always with me until I also return home.

EIGHT
8 more minutes until the new year...
A new year to help others realize that grief does not have a timeline..and mine is not too long..Please God..Help others to understand that I am normal and that my grief is so strong because my love was so strong.

SEVEN
7 more minutes until the new year...
A year that I pray my family and friends will not avoid my pain or look the other way..Please God..When tears form in my eyes, help my family and friends find the right words to say.

SIX
6 more minutes until the new year...
A year that brings hope that others will not forget thay they understand my pain when I call them late at night..Please God..Bless my family in the new year and when there is darkness shine your loving light.

FIVE
5 more minutes until the new year...
A new year for me to reach out to others who are grieving and help them along this road..Please God..Guide me in the new year and grant me the strength and courage to help lighten anothers load.

FOUR
4 more minutes until the new year...
As I take this time to thank You for the frineds I hold so dear who listen and help me when I fall..Please God..Help remind others that saying something is better than saying nothing at all.

THREE
3 more minutes until the new year...
A new year to carry on the memory of our loved one whether a child, granchild, nephew or niece..Please God..Encircle us in your love and grant us peace.

TWO
2 more minutes until the new year...
And thank you God for loving me, for Heaven above where my loved one is finally free..Please God..On this New Years Eve send my love up above as always from me.

ONE
1 more minute until the new year...
Whether I am ready or not a new year is nearly here..Please God..Grant me the strength, courage and peace to walk through the new year with little fear.

Wishing youi peaceful days and beautiful memories in the new year. God Bless!

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas and made many happy memories with your loved ones. We certainly did. Neil has not stopped yet. He loved opening all of his presents. He was so into it this year. It was fun. When Neil came out in the morning and started looking at all of his gifts, he started exclaiming "Mommy look at this!" Just like Alex did on his last Christmas.
It was harder this year for us. We were missing our baby more. I want to thank everyone who included our ALex in our Christmas this year. Whether it was in a card sent or a nice gift. It means alot to us when he is still included and not forgotten. Thank you all!

Everyone please have a great New Years, be safe and lets pray for a new year full of blessings and happiness for all.

Peace Out!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005 4:10 PM CST

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
nOt a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
But some children's stockings were missing this year.

Children were nestled all snug in their beds,
Some parents cling to memories dancing in their heads.
These children all fought their battles so strong,
Why oh why God, did disease have to come along.

Whether cancer, leukemia, brain tumors or AIDS,
These children all fought for each precious day;
From needles to transplants to losing their hair,
These angels still found a smile to share.

Their memories live on...these precious little ones,
Disease has taken so many of our daughters and sons;
Children should not have to go through this fear...
Please oh please God...can you send us a cure?

Star after star they came...
Heavenly Lights displays each precious name
Each angel a story, a family forever changed
As we read each child's star...name after name...

Jordyn and Michael, Benjamin and Timmy..
There's Joseph and Joshua, Ariel and Jimmy
Their stories all told and memories held dear
These children are spending Christmas in Heaven this year.

The sky is twinkling, their stars sure do shine
So many hearts touched, especially mine
A bundle of joy...missed so sadly will be,
Their memories will continue on...for all to see.

Their eyes how they twinkled, their smiles were so bright
Just like their stars that now light up our night
Shattered lives, futures changed, a puzzle incomplete,
The meaning of life...these parents now seek.

God went right to work and spoke not a word
These children are now..as free as a bird,
God brings comfort and strength and has plenty to share
The burdens will be eased with His loving care.

God is caring and strong and needed so much,
And they smile in God's presence..so graciously touched
God filled each stocking with hope..faith..and love.
God blessed us all...and back to Heaven He rose.

Please hold us all close Father..and let us feel your love
Take care of the children up in Heaven above
Send each parents love to their angel in the sky
Until we are reunited in Heaven...and can understand why.

Childhood disease is so present today
We can not ignore it...we must find a way
To cure these diseases too many to name
Please pray for a cure...in Jesus' name.

Disease can happen anytime..anywhere..to anyone.
We must not quit until the battles all won
Let's make 2006 the year
...for a better cure.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas! I will be working on Christmas day so we put in a call to SAnta and he is coming a day early so that I can watch Neil open his presents. We will be thinking of our Alex and missing him so much.

Merry Christmas!
Peace Out!

Sunday, December 11, 2005 11:11 AM CST

Well, my little Neil was the star of the live nativity (besides Baby Jesus, of course) I have to say that he is so darn cute I can't take it!!! He stayed quiet the whole time like I had talked to him about on the way there, he even told the others to be quiet when they got a little loud! He wore his cute little shephard costume, stayed in the bakery with my mom and I and played with the dough and put bread into the pretend fire. Everyone loved him.

I hope that the Cronins do not mind but I wanted to share the poem that Dan, (Isaac's Dad)wrote himself the morning of the funeral and read at the memorial service.

You may not have alot of hair
I would shave mine I don't care
Sometimes you could not walk or run
Climb in my arms, I'll get the job done
Your heart was big and so kind
With your smile you always shine
You are my son and my best friend
It will stay that way beyond the end
Our family was complete, you made us whole
You don't leave alone, you took my soul
Five years of life you shook my heart
You went there we'll never be apart
I love you son, words can't explain
In my life I feel only pain
Your an angel, you can fly
Now I'm not afraid to die.

~Dan Cronin~
Daddy to ~|~Angel Isaac~|~

Peace Out

Monday, December 5, 2005 8:15 AM CST

On Saturday, Rhonda and I drove out to Ohio for Bubba's funeral. It was so very sad and heartbreaking. Bringing so many emotions to the surface for me and making Rhonda think way too much. It was a beautiful and touching service that made you feel that you feel that you knew Issaac so well even if you didn't. Issaac's Dad wrote a very heartbreaking, how he felt about his son and his disease poem and stood up there and read the whole thing. You are very talented Dan and I'm sure that Bubba (along with God) gave you the strength to make it through that poem. Issaac was so very lucky to have Dan and Shawnna as their parents and Kayla as his big sister. They are a wonderful, wonderful family. I hated this disease even more if that is at all possible. I hated seeing another mom and dad go through the same agony and pain that PJ and I have gone through. Before we left we let go many red balloons and one white one for Issaac. It was beautiful. Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers as they enter into the holidays without their baby here with them physically. www.caringbridge.org/oh/bubba

For all that read and are local, please come see Neil and I in the live nativity at our church this Thursday and Friday night from 6 pm - 9 pm. It is free and a great family event. Bring everyone! The church is located at 900 Seventh Street Trafford. Call 412-856-4420 to make reservations. (In the years past, the wait was long so now they take reservations to get you through faster) Come see Neil shine! It runs until Sunday but Neil and I won't be in it then. If you can't make it to see us, still try to come on the weekend. It's fantastic!

We celebrated Christmas two years ago on Dec 7. Alex went into the hospital the next day to begin getting ready for his big stem cell transplant on the 17th (my birthday) The above picture is Alex on his Christmas morning on his new bike Santa brought him. What a smile! Look at that shiny head! Alex brought soooooo much joy into our lives in his short almost 4 years. I am so grateful to God for giving him to us, allowing us the privelage of being parents to such a special wonderful, loving, charming, sweet little boy who was wise beyond his years, my best friend. I pray that God gives Issaac's mom and dad as much wisdom and strength as He has given me.

Peace Out!

Thursday, December 1, 2005 5:35 PM CST

I'm sitting here wondering what to write first...I've got awesome, praise the Lord news and some very sad news. Our dear friend, Issaac (Bubba) passed away yesterday morning at home with his mommy and daddy right beside him. It really brings some emotions to the surface for me. Please keep them in your prayers as they enter into this new life without their baby boy physically in their lives. My heart is breaking for them. www.caringbridge.org/oh/bubba Visit and give them some encouraging words. As I've told many times before, we met them in the radiology waiting room at CHP. Bubba shared his game boy with ALex and when the waiting room got too crowded we sat in the hallway and the boys ran up and down the halls and Bubba once again shared his trucks with Alex. It is a very nice memory for me. They are once again running and laughing and playing together...

HALLELUJAH! Praise the Lord! Carter's scans came back showing that he had a 80% response to the MIBG therapy!!!!!!! Thank you Jesus! This is wonderfully, great, fantastic, marvelous news for the Finger's. Please keep them in your prayers.

I want to thank both the Fingers and the Cronins for letting me be apart of their lives and letting me be there for them in happy and sad times. It means so much to me and I can't thank them enough. I love these families like my own. We all understand each other so well. I am thankful that God brought these families into my life, I just wish that it was under different circumstances.

Peace Out!

P.S. I keep forgetting to email Heather and Sweet Pea to thank them for the great bracelet so here goes, Thank you! I love it!

Saturday, November 26, 2005 8:08 AM CST

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. We ate at my mom's. Yesterday I cooked the same exact meal for just PJ, myself and my Dad. I must say I outdid myself. I can easily screw up something easy like meatloaf but did extremely well at a whole Thanksgiving meal. Go figure!
Rhonda and I drove out to Ohio on Wednesday to visit with Bubba Cronin and his family. Please keep them in your prayers. Also keep Carter in your prayers as they travel out to Philly for follow up scans this week.
A question was asked recently "why do we get so close with families fighting this same disease when we know our hearts will probably be broken?" Seeing Isaacc has brought back many memories of ALex. Sure, it hurts like hell, but it has become my life. If I can help someone else going through the same thing that I did, even if in some small way, then it helps me to heal. It has become my life and always will be my life. It is what I know. If my heart gets broken a thousand more times that is alright as long as I get to ease someone else's pain in some small way and in turn heal some more myself.

Neil is ready for Christmas. I put my Christmas tree up already (I was in the mood and had to go with it then, who knew if I would be in it again!) Neil is constantly changing the ornaments around, all of them are his. He is funny. He is doing extremely well with the potty thing. He hasn't had a pullup or diaper on for about 2 months. Even at night. He's getting so big.

Alex's last Christmas we had early because he was going in for the stem cell transplant. We had it on Dec 7. We have it on video, he is so excited, he got a big shiny blue bike that he never got to ride. It still has the tag on it hanging in the basement. In the video, every present that he opens he yells, Mommy look! He had to have said Mommy a hundred some times that morning, he was so excited.

Peace Out!

Monday, November 21, 2005 12:53 AM CST

This morning I received some very terrible news. As I dropped my Neil off at my Mom's this morning, she told me that Shawnna, Issaac's mom had updated the website and that it wasn't good. I checked the website when I got into work, they were coming into the clinic so I called and set up to meet them. I ran over this morning to see them. Such heartbreak. I sat down behind them in the waiting room and all I could see was Bubba's hat and the side of his face. He reminded me sooooo much of my ALex. He was picking at his lips and nose just like Alex did. Talking without moving his lips, being the little bossy man. He always did remind me of ALex but he really did today. They brought him home last week from Philly after some follow up scans from the MIBG therapy and found out he has some tumors in his abdomen and in his liver. They have decided to bring him home and love every second they have left with him. This is really hitting me hard. Rhonda and I are planning on traveling out to visit with them soon.
Please keep their family in your prayers. www.caringbridge.org/oh/bubba

Also, keep Carter in your prayers as he travels back to Philly for follow up scans next week. We attended a very lovely award ceremony for Carter last week. He received an award for anything that he could receive one for! What a cutie! we love that Carter Finger Family!

I hope that everyone remembers what they are thankful for this week. Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Thanks for checking in on us still.

What I am thankful for this year:
That God made me a mom to two beautiful boys!
That I have the best babysitter for Alex ever! (God)
For my sometimes (Ha!) wonderful husband, PJ.
For my always wonderful Mom and Gary.
For my always wonderful Dad.
For my always wonderful in laws.
For my wonderful, supportive friends who have been there for me these past 2 1/2 years. You know who you are! Smile!
For the wonderful people and families that I have met along this journey through hell. You all know who you are. Smile!

Peace Out!

Saturday, October 29, 2005 6:52 AM CDT

"MY MOM LIES"

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies
She never did before
From now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is,
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say, "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
Why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug her from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mom
With all the lies you've told!"

Getting ready for Halloween. Neil is going to be Tigger. The same costume that Alex wore and was so damn cute in. Neil looks alot like him in the costume. Tears. Two years ago, he was bouncing through the halls of Children's collecting candy and joking that all he got was a "rock"! My little Charlie Brown! With all five hairs on the back top of his head just like Charlie Brown.
Neil has been saying a lot of cute things about Alex and Heaven lately. He recently wrote on the carpet with crayon and when I asked who did it, he told me Alex did. What a stinker! He told me the other day that all of his Veggie Tales fruit snacks were gone, I asked who him ate them and he told me Alex did. I said that I'm sure Alex has all of the Veggie Tales fruities he needs in Heaven and Neil said "No, they only have BatMan fruities in Heaven." Where does he come up with this stuff.
Yesterday I watched my friend Darla's kids and Zach (who was Alex's "best friend") told me how much he missed him and that he never got to tell him that he was his best friend...tears...I told him that I was sure that Alex knew. From the mouths of babes!

Everyone have a safe and fun Halloween!

Peace Out!

Friday, October 21, 2005 6:28 AM CDT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MAM MAW!!!!!!

Today is my wonderful mom's birthday. If you see her, please wish her a happy birthday. Happy Birthday Mom!

Since my last update, I found out more about our friend Issaac. I talked with his mom, Shawnna on Monday night. They were able to come home on Tuesday. Issaac was having lots of swelling and Philly was not going to allow them to go home. I understood all too well what that is like. To be in another place and find out the worst news ever and be without family and friends. She was lucky enough to have wonderful Rhonda (Carter's mom) there to talk with. I am not sure where exactly they stand right now, but I believe it is not good. I will try to talk with Shawnna today. Please lift them up in prayer. I tried to give some encouraging words of wisdom to Shawnna. It was hard to know what to say, even though I know what they are going through.
As I was getting ready for bed last night, I glanced at a baby picture of Alex taken in the hospital, all cozy in his little "microwave dish" (as Pj called it), his little hands together under his head. He was so perfect, he took my breath away. When I looked at his picture last night, he still took my breath away. I had to stop and sit down and just took a moment to really look at that picture. The love that you feel as you first look at your baby is out of this world, nothing that you will ever feel anywhere else.

I went to bed thinking of my friend of 24 years who is expecting her first baby. We have drifted apart over the years, having not much in common, but this blessing from Heaven has brought us back together. I am so excited for her. I can't wait for her to feel that wonderful love that you feel when she first looks at her baby.

Please remember Carter and his family in your prayers. They should be heading home today from Philly.
www.caringbridge.org/pa/carterfinger
www.caringbridge.org/oh/bubba

Peace Out!

Sunday, October 16, 2005 9:24 AM CDT

As I told you in my last post, our friends the Fingers and Cronins were on their way to Philly for the MIBG therapy. Once there, my dear friend, Shawnna, found out that her precious baby boy, Isaac (Bubba) is not doing well at all. He is having a lot of leg pain and has stopped using his arm. His scans have showed a significant amount of increase of NB in his little body. Please say some extra prayers for Isaacc and his family. I can only pray that God gives Shawnna and Dan the strength that He has given me to make it through this terrible time. He did go ahead with the MIBG therapy. I'm not sure what they will do after that. My heart is breaking for them. I know what it feels like to be alone in another city and find out bad news.
We met Shawnna and Isaacc in the radiology waiting room at Children's. Both boys were there to get a MIBG scan. Isaacc was doing well at the time. He turned my Alex onto his gameboy. Alex talked about it all the time so MamMaw of course went out and bought Alex on of his own. Isaacc reminded me so much of Alex when I would go visit them in the hospital. Sitting in that big bed, bald head and even the way he spoke. He definitely holds a special place in my heart. Please remember them in your prayers.
As for our wonderful Finger family friends. They are doing ok in Philly. His scans are showing the same spots of disease as before. It doesn't look like an increase in them so that is good. I also pray everyday that God gives Rhonda and Howard the strength that He has given me. I thank Him for putting them in my life. I love them like family.

Please visit both their sites and give some encouraging words.

www.caringbridge.org/pa/carterfinger
www.caringbridge.org/oh/bubba

Peace Out!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005 12:46 AM CDT

I'll Be There

Daddy please don't look so sad,
Momma please don't cry,
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus and
He sings me lullabies.

Please try not to question God,
Don't think He is unkind,
Don't think He sent me to you,
And then He changed His mind.

You see, I am a Special Child,
And I am needed up above,
I am the special gift you gave Him,
The product of your love.

I'll always be there with you,
And watch the sky at night,
Find the brightest star that's gleaming
That's my halo's brilliant light.

You'll see me in the morning frost,
That mists your windowpane.
That's me, in the summer showers,
I'll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a gentle breeze,
From a gentle wind that blows,
That's me, I'll be there,
Planting a kiss on your nose.

When you see a child playing,
And your heart feels a little tug,
That's me, I'll be there,
Giving your heart a hug.

So Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Momma don't you cry,
I'm in the arms of Jesus
And He sings me lullabies.

We haven't been up to too much here. Neil is finally potty trained!!!!! Our big boy. Getting stuff ready for the cold weather which I hate. I can't wait for summer to come!
Our little buddy Carter is on his way to Philly today to start the MIBG therapy. Please keep him in your prayers. Pray that this treatment works and heals his little body of this terrible monster. I also understand our other little buddy, Issacc(Bubba) is also in Philly starting the same therapy. Please pray for him also.

Peace Out!

Monday, September 12, 2005 6:55 AM CDT

MY MOM IS A SURVIVOR

My mom is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.
But I hear her crying at night, when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach that never wash away,
I watch over my surviving mom, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's door, I see the tears flowing from
here eyes.

My mom tries to cope with the death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her, knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom through Heaven's open door,
I try to tell her that angels protect me foreveer more.

But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she
bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her and show her you care.
For no matter what she says, now matter what she feels,
My surviving mom has a broken heart, that time will never
heal.

Love
Angel Alex
Peace Out!

Sunday, September 4, 2005 3:57 PM CDT

Happy Birthday to PJ! The big 42!!!!!! Yikes! Yesterday was his birthday. Friday the 2nd, was our little buddy, Carter's 6th birthday, also our nephew Craig's.

I took the snacks that we collected for ALex's birthday over to 8N yesterday. It felt so good to be back there. How I wanted to walk into one of those rooms and see my baby sitting in one of those big beds, looking so small and yelling about something....Many of the nurses are expecting, so many familiar faces have left. I felt very good taking all of the snacks there for the patient and families to enjoy. I'm hoping to do it a couple of times a year.

Neil and I were watching some home videos of ALex the other day. They were taken in the old house before Neil. Suddenly, Neil realized that it was "home". I watched as the little wheels in his head started turning and he wanted to go "home" I believe he was thinking that Alex was there at our old house. At times you think that it is better when they are too young to comprehend death, now I think it breaks my heart that my Neil thinks that our Alex is still here on earth. I slammed his hand in the car door awhile ago(really slammed it!) I thought we would have to go to the ER. So I told him we might have to go have pictures taken at the hospital. We waited for the Dr to call back. After I hung up with her, he looked at me and asked if that was the "booboo doctor", I told him yes, he then asked if Alex was there and was very excited about the thought of going to the booboo doctors. WE later went to the store and he kept asking if places were the booboo doctors. Poor Neil. By the way, his hand was fine and we didn't have to go to the booboo doctors.

I received an email yesterday from a dear friend from Children's Hospital. We roomed with her and her son over Halloween of 2003. Her son, Peter was 16 and my initial thoughts were "crap". Alex was known to throw some tantrums at times, sometimes at inappropriate times like
3 am. I didn't want to bother him. It turned out that they were wonderful people and peter allowed Alex to bug the heck out of him. He had Peter way up in the air on his bed, was on the bed with him, stole his walkman, talked his ear off, and borrowed his Hulk the movie dvd. Peter had bone cancer, he had part of his bone in his leg removed and replaced with a titanium(Ithink) rod. He had been cancer free and had graduated this past year and is enrolled to start college this fall. They went in for some scans last week and they showed a spot on his lung. He had surgery Friday, they removed a part of his lung and found another spot while they had him open. They are not sure what the next steps are. Please keep Peter and his family in your prayers. They are wonderful, wonderful people. Halloween morning, Alex had dressed in his Halloween costume (a very cute Tigger costume) Peter was still sleeping and Peter's mom, Cathy, enticed Alex to go over and roar in Peter's face and wake him up. Peter didn't mind one bit. He woke up laughing. Later, Alex went trick or treating in the hospital. Peter felt he was too old, so Alex came back and sat on Peter's bed and shared his goodies with Peter. What I thought would be a disaster at first turned out to be one of my best memories...

Happy Labor Day to everyone! Be safe!

Peace Out!

Saturday, August 27, 2005 6:30 PM CDT

Happy Belated Birthday to my Baby!!!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday Dearest Angel ALex!
Happy Birthday to you!
The Big # 5!!!!
How I wish you were here to take school clothes shopping and go to Kindergarten orientation with you as all of your little friends are doing now. You would be so excited. But I am sure that they have a WONDERFUL school program in Heaven! No bad kids, peer pressure, bad language, drugs that I have to worry about. Love and Miss you Baby Bug!

I had to shut my internet service off because of problems unknown to anyone. I could not get on and was not going to pay for something that I could not use. That is why many of you can not get through to my email. I am checking the website at my Mom's house.
We celebrated Neil's third birthday last weekend and got lots and lots of snacks for the oncology floor at Children's of Pgh. I am very excited about that. Neil enjoys telling everyone that he is 3. We still can not get him to go on the potty on a regular basis. Any hints would be appreciated.
Our blood drive was a huge success! We had a total of 47 units collected, 7 donors deferred; total of 54. Thanks to all who came and donated and helped out.
I am now a certified hospice volunteer. I had my training on Monday and Wed. I can't wait to start. It sounds like it will be very fulfilling. Anyone interested, please contact Three River's Hospice, White Oak, PA.

On Alex's bday, Neil and I got some Happy Meals and went to the cemetary where we met my mom and Gary. Neil let five different colored balloons go. We came home and just hung out. We got exciting news later on in the evening. Our new baby nephew was born at 3:53 pm on Alex's bday. Welcome Keith Anthony Lonero into the world!!! He was 6lb 3oz. Congratulations to Melanie and Kurt. (Kurt is PJ's brother)

Today was our big Alex's Lemonade Stand. Our first one that we have done. We had a good time doing it. It was alot of fun and I can't wait until next year to do it again. Thank you to everyone who came out and helped. It was very much appreciated! Our total as of now is $1464.60!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A very big thank you to all who donated! I hope that you all realize what a difference you have made in some child's life. Thank you.

Peace Out!

Thursday, August 11, 2005 1:42 PM CDT

What a busy month! It seems like everyone has a birthday in August. Our nephew, Craig is getting married this Saturday to Tara. Congratulations Tara and Craig!!!! Sunday is our church picnic. I work three more days and then I'm off for eleven days!!! Hoorah! I've got to start getting things ready for Neil's bday and the lemonade stand.

I have signed up to volunteer with Three Rivers Hospice. They are the ones who took care of ALex. I am very excited about this. I can go sit with the patients while the caregivers run errands, run errands for them, or do stuff at the office.

Neil is getting very big, we are trying to potty train him. No such luck. If you keep him naked, he is fine, put clothes on him, forget it. And who wants a naked Neil running around!?! He reminds us more and more of his big brother. He thinks he is the boss man. Or as Alex used to say "I am the bossy man!" He definitely keeps us on our toes. He NEVER stops! Is talking up a storm now. We thought he would never talk and now he never stops!

I had a dream of Alex the other night. I asked him if their were toys in Heaven and he said "Oh yeah, lots of them Mommy" I asked if their were kids and he said "Oh yes! And it is always 50 degrees!" Well if that is the case, then we didn't dress him properly. He had his favorite Spider Man shirt and shorts on. He must be cold!

Please don't forget our coming up events:

August 23 - Blood Drive at Christian Life Church in Trafford. Call Cheryl Renner to make an appointment 724-864-0632. Times are 1pm - 6pm

August 24 - Alex's BDAY! Please remember him that day and do something special for my little man.

August 27 - Alex's Lemonade Stand at the Irwin Giant EAgle in Irwin. 10 am- 6 pm. Please come and join us for some yummy lemonade and help in the fight against childhood cancer!

Peace Out!

Sunday, July 24, 2005 8:17 PM CDT

HOMESICK by Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now.

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home.

In Christ there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again.

A great song by a great band.

Chicago was alot of fun, alot of tears, alot of hugs, alot of eating? Children's Neuroblastoma CAncer Foundation goes out of there way, above and beyond for the NB families. They had doctors speaking of different subjects, there was a special group meeting for us "Angel" parents. We had a wonderful speaker, Darci Simms, speak to us on grief and alot of the things she said made soooo much sense. It was nice to be with so many people who "really" understand what you have been through and what you are going through. It was nice to finally put faces to all of the wonderful people that I have met on-line.
It was nice to NAP in the middle of the afternoon and sleep in way toooo late for me to be sleeping!!!!!! I had a great time! Thanks to all who made it possible.

Now we get ready for the Alex's lemonade stand on August 27. We are holding it at the Giant Eagle in Irwin from 10am -6pm. Please come by and help support childhood cancer research.

Neil and Alex's birthdays are coming up. This year will be extremely hard for us. Alex would have been "5". What a big age...I would have been sending him to kindergarten this fall. We are missing him terribly. I was watching a home video the other day, it was the last time we got him on tape, I wasn't sure if I wanted to cry or laugh. He was so uncomfortable, fidgeting all around. Very moody. Him and Daddy were playing on walkie talkies ( or talkie walkies as Alex called them) PJ put Billy Blaze the rescue hero on and Alex got very irritated for some reason. He started to tell PJ his very own famous line "You are suck Daddy, You ARE suck! " And then he even added a "you are suck" to mommy also. So many times we told him that it is not you are suck but just you suck. If you are going to say it, say it right! He had to add that Are in there. Laugh or cry? I was doing both.
Tonight I left work, got in the car and switched radio stations, only to hear Beautiful Boy by John Lennon (not Celine Dion's version). I have never heard John Lennon's version on the radio. It is the song that we played at the funeral. Tears...
My mom called to tell me that last night they were outside eating dinner, she was watching Neil, and a butterfly came and landed on Neil's chair and just sat there and watched him until he got a little freaked out by it and they shooed it away but it kept coming back and landing on the table and fluttering all around them. Thank you Alex for your little signs that you are still here with us. As I type this, the light in the room just got brighter!

Please remember the following:

August 23 blood drive in Alex's memory at Christian Life Church. Save up your blood and come and donate. I'll post more closer to the day.

August 24 Alex's big 5 birthday. Please do something in his memory that day. Send him a balloon, give someone the peace sign, tell someone they ARE suck! watch a Veggie Tales, any Austin Power movie.

August 27 Alex's lemonade stand at the Giant Eagle in Irwin. Proceeds go the childhood cancer reasearch.

Peace Out

Tuesday, July 12, 2005 9:39 AM CDT

We had a great camping experience. It was Neil's first one and he really enjoyed it. Was dirty all weekend long! The last time we were camping I was pregnant with Neil. How I slept in a tent at 8 months pregnant I have no clue! I must be getting old because my whole body hurts today! Carter is a little comedian and had us in stitches all weekend. The things that come out of his mouth! We are so glad that we got to spend a wonderful weekend with the whole Finger family.

Rhonda and I leave Thursday morning for Chicago to go to the NB conference. I am so excited! We are going to have soooo much fun. And hopefully learn about some new treatments going on. And finally meet all of these great people that we have been talking with and living their lives through their caringbridge sites. To finally put faces to the names! It will be exciting.

A wonderful woman on the NB Angels talklist that I beong to wrote the following and I loved it so much I want to share it with all of you:

Once I Had A Treasure

More precious to me than any other thing in the world
Oh there were many things that brought happiness
But my treasure brought joy
In his simple unassuming way
His very laugh was music
His smile was like sunshine
His eyes were full of love and wisdom beyond their years

No thing I have ever encountered
Has so taken up a piece of my soul
Conquering me,
Devouring much of what I was and changing it forever
My treasure made space within me
That I could not have knowon existed

And when he was gone
The ache of that vaulted room
The echo of my own self, my own pain
Where once only echoed his laughter
Where once only he stretched and shaped my inward parts
To fit him so perfectly
As if I was putty in his hands

such strength and love were in those hands
He had the hands of the master
My treasure, My son...
I miss him...his smell...his voice...his hugs...
The "I love you mommys"
I hate this.

I mark time and feel deeply the hole that he left behind within me.

Written by Carrie (who's husband, James is battling NB)

Peace OUt

Friday, July 1, 2005 4:59 AM CDT

It's getting late
And dusk is settling in
the 4th of July fireworks
Are about to begin.

I wonder how far is Heaven
As I look up to the night sky
And wonder if my child is watching
Just from the other side.

The fireworks have begun
As they fly into the sky
Just like my child, my angel
Who is forever soaring high.

The colorful bursts explode
Into a spectacular show of lights
And fill the Heavens above
It's so beautiful and bright.

And as the fireworks fall
From the Heavens way up high
They burn out...and it's dark again
And the crowd lets out a sigh.

But then another is lit...sparkling brilliantly
As the light trails through the sky
I think I am beginning to understand
For it's the same when our loved ones die.

For a life that has burned brightly
Can never fade away
For it's rekindled through our memories
Each and every day.

So even though my child has gone
To the Heavens up Above
His light will always remain
And shine down on me with love.

And our grand finale WILL come
When we are reunited in Heaven again
But their light will always remain lit
Until then...

I hope you enjoy the fireworks Alex. Missing you!
Love
Mommy

Please remember Carter and his family in your prayers. Also Isacc and his family. And all of the families who have little ones in Heaven watching the fireworks, please remember to pray for them.

Peace Out!

Sunday, June 26, 2005 1:20 PM CDT

A Bereaved Parents Wish List

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need to you now more than ever.

6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will NEVER be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the die I die.

9. I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

10. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

11. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

13. When I say "I'm doing okay." I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

18. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.

Please remember Carter Finger and his family in your prayers. He is going in this week to start chemo. Please pray for healing for Carter and tons of strength for Rhonda, Howard, Mariah and the rest of hsi family.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005 10:16 AM CDT

Urgent prayer requests!!!!
Our dear little friend, Carter had his follow up scans in Ny and they showed progression in his bones. He is no longer elgible for the 3F8 antibody. He will be traveling back home to Pgh to start high dose chemo. My heart is breaking for the Finger family. Please keep them in your prayers and ask everyone you know to prayer also. They have become such a big part of our lives in the past year. I love them like family and feel all of the pain that they are going through. I thank God everyday for bringing them into our lives. How I wish that I could give them great big ((((((hugs)))))) right now.

We are enjoying the summer as much as we can. WE took Neil to Kennywood (amusement park in Pgh) the other week. We had taken him and Alex there two years ago and Alex had a great time. There were bittersweet times when we were there the other day. Remembering Alex on the rides being as normal as any other little boy for a day. Neil had a great time and showed us what a brave, big boy he thinks he is. He rode all of the big rides and loved them! He wasn't afraid of any of them. He would run from ride to ride. He definitly keeps us on our toes. He never stops.

Again, please remember Carter and his family in your prayers. We will be having another lemonade stand on August 27. I will post more about that closer to the day.

Peace Out!

Sunday, June 12, 2005 7:23 AM CDT

Happy Alex's Lemonade Stand Weekend! We had ours yesterday with the Finger family and did awesome! We raised $2300.00!!!! it was held at the Walmart in Heidelberg. Thank you all that came out and drank some lemonade, ate some popcorn, donated money and helped out. We all had a good time. I hope that everyone that had one did a awesome job and that we are getting closer to Alex's $5 million goal for the year. Afleet Alex won the race yesterday and donated $62,500.00!!!!!!!!! I'm sure if you had angel vision, you would see too many little angels holding that horse up and carrying it over the finish line.

I want to say Thank you to the wonderful couple who showed up last night at the stand with tickets to Stevie nicks/Don Henley concert. We had such a wonderful time last night, it was by far one of the best concerts I was ever at. PJ and I really needed a fun night out. In the car he said what luck to have gotten these tickets. No, not luck, our little man saying that Mommy and Daddy needed a good time out to cheer them up some. Thank you Alex, it worked. And again, thank you Nancy for the tickets. I hope that you enjoyed it as much as we did.

Please remember the Finger family in your prayers as they travel back up to Ny today for treatment.
Peace out!

Monday, June 6, 2005 5:43 PM CDT

June 6, just another day for so many people. Today marks one year ago that our baby boy gained his angel wings. It is just not another day for us. All weekend we have relived this weekend a year ago. Everything that ALex went through and all that we went through. It is a very tough day for us.
We had our Alex Lonero Cancer Motorcycle Run/memorial on Saturday. The day turned out to be a beautiful day, we had a great turnout. So many came to show their support and help us to remember. All of the money raised went to Carter Finger's family, who also was there. As soon as I figure out the whole picture/computer/camera thing, I will post the pics. Afterwards, alot of us went to the cemetary where we released many brightly colored balloons. The kids hung all over ALex's stone. It was nice.
Last week me and Alicia took Neil to see Madagascar at the theater. His first time at a big movie. He was very good. About an hour into the movie he started to get restless. He then told me that Alex was in front of us and started to call him "Hey Alex! Hey ALex! Hey Alex!" very loudly. I had to take him out in the lobby for a few minutes. In the car on the way home, i asked him if Alex was in the theater and he responded "Yes!"

When a child passes away people should pass out fliers on how to deal with the grieving parents. So many people have gone from our lives over the past year and we have made sooo many wonderful friends also. It is sad that so many have shied away from us. Many of them were considered good friends. Here are a few pointers on how to deal with "angel" parents:

1. Please try not to forget us on important dates/holidays. We feel so alone already in our grief. For 14 months our mailbox overflowed, the phone rang constantly, and someone was at our door all the time. After Alex passed it all ceased very quickly. We need our friends and family more now than ever.

2. Don't be afraid to mention Alex's name. It makes us feel good to hear others say his name. PJ and I loooove to talk about him with anyone.

3. We are still grieving and will be for the rest of our lives. We will never get "Back to normal". We are completely different people than we were two years ago.

4. Please just be there for us. It hurts us when we think no one remembers Alex.

Please go on the website I have listed at the bottom of the page, beebos. his real name is Jamie. They gave him maybe two weeks to live. NB sucks!!!!

Feeling angry, sad and very tired today.

Peace Out!

Saturday, May 28, 2005 9:15 PM CDT

It's not a place you can get to by boat or a train
It's far far away...
Behind the moon...
Beyond the rain.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Oh yes..Heaven is a beautiful place
And I thank God for that everyday
I know that He is with me and guiding me
As I continue my journey today.

Just like the twister in the Wizard of Oz
The disease came and tore my world apart
So this long and lonely journey called grief
Has left me with a broken heart.

Dorothy's journey continued over the rainbow
So has my childs...just a little past beyond
The Wizard of Oz and grief have so much in common
And so the story and my journey continue on.

Somedays this journey seems long and windy
Just like the Yellow Brick Road
Sometimes I feel I have lost my way
And fell like I'm carrying such a heavy load.

Just like Dorothy met the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion
And the Tin Man...as she went along her way
I too have met many compassionate people along the way
But I have also lost just as many who shied away.

Just like the Scarecrow wanted a brain
I think I could use a bigger one too
To hold my memories of sweet yesterdays
And remember everything he used to do.

Just like the Tin Man wanted a heart
I think I could use a new one too
As mine is broken in a million pieces
Somedays I just don't know what to do.

Like the Cowardly Lion who wanted some courage
I too want some courage...to help me climb this wall
To help me keep moving through this world of pain
When the whole world seems to be standing still.

When the poppy flowers made Dorothy tired
The Scarecrow was going to pull her along
I too need friends to be by my side
To listen and help me be strong.

If only this story was true
And my child could click his shoes three times
And say there's no place like home
And he would be back in my arms once again.

If only I could also wake up from this bad dream
And go back in time
And have my child here once more
And leave this thing called grief behind.

But since life is not a fairy tale
And my wishes cannot come true
We will remember him and all that he was
My beautiful child...I will always love.

I will continue on my journey with God by my side
And help the fight for a better cure
Raise more awareness to childhood disease
And all these precioius children have to endure.

Yes, my child is somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
In a place that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Only 9 more days and it will be a year since I last held my baby boy in my arms. All I have to say is I miss him sooooooooo much. It hurts my entire body and soul.

Peace Out!

Monday, May 23, 2005 7:02 AM CDT

Please keep the Finger family in your prayers. Their Aunt passed away last Thurs from cancer, they are laying her to rest today.
I had a very nice weekend. Saturday, Neil and I went to McDonalds to get our lunch to take to the cemetary to eat. When we pulled into the drive thru I saw that the new toys were Crash Bandicoot and Spyro (playstation characters) they were both Alex's favorites. I got very excited, ordered a kids meal for Neil and a sandwhich for me. I noticed the price was high but didn't think anything of it. Got to the window and they handed me two kids meal. I didn't say anything, I figured that we could leave a toy at the cemetary for ALex. In my mind, I believe that was no accident, Alex wanted one of those toys, so he made them put in for two. Stinker! We got to the cemetary and to our delight there was Alex's pic on the stone. We ordered it about a month or so ago. That made our day. We left there and went to FAshion Bug where about a month ago, Neil lost his ball cap. The hat was ALex's, it is SpongeBob and very cute. Neil started wearing it alot when we lost it. I left my name and number but noone ever called. So we went in and asked about it and indeed they saw it they just didn't know where it was. I caught a glimpse of yellow out of the corner of my eye and there it was! SpongeBob returns!!!! Neil was so happy. Alex was with us all day.

PJ and I got a night out. It had been a long time since we went out. We really enjoyed ourselves. We saw a band called the Knobs, great music and great dancing music. I am feeling it today! I saw an old friend, was happy to see her. Hello Staci!
Yesterday, there was a surprise party for our Pastor at church. He has been the pastor for 20 years. It was a really nice time. He was very surprised, the food was good, there was ALOT of laughing and tears. Congratulations Pastor Gary on 20 years!!!!
This past week, i went down to the church to help with painting a mural on the wall of Little ALex's Playground. I didnt't know I had so much talent! HA! I went down to just sand down a pipe and paint that, the next thing I know, Elly had me painting "happy little trees". It is going to be so beautiful when it is done.

Peace Out!

Sunday, May 15, 2005 5:06 PM CDT

It will be one year in three weeks since I last held my baby. I can not believe how fast this past year has gone. The Greene County Christian Motorcycle Alliance is holding the first annual Alex Lonero Memorial Bike Run on June 4. Afterwards, we will have a dinner and a time to remember Alex. I am looking forward to it. Yesterday we went to a memorial service for all of the children who passed away in 2004 at Children's Hospital of Pgh. It was a wonderful service, there were many tears. I have been to the hospital many times since Alex passed but never in the garage. I felt like I couldn't breathe when we pulled in. How many times Alex and I parked in that garage. I saw many familiar faces and had a very nice time. I came home from there and called Issaac's mom from Ohio who also has NB. I met them in radiology in the fall of 2003 and Isaac was in remission. They were my light on the other side. They were something to look forward to, healing for Alex. And then when Alex was getting radiation, we walked into the waiting room one day only to see them. My heart skipped a beat, Issac had relapsed. He went through all of the same protocol once again and seemed fine. He just had his bone marrow transplant in January of this year. I hadn't talked with them since Easter and assumed all was well. Well you know when you assume. Issac has once again relapsed...His bone scan is showing uptake in both arms and legs, there is disease showing in his abdomen and lymph nodes and it is in his bone marrow. My heart is breaking for his Mom. Please keep them in your prayers as they head down the most terrifying road ever..once again. His website is www.caringbridge.org/oh/bubba.

Today Neil and I went and redid Alex's grave site. We believe Alex loves it. It looks beautiful. I love going there and cutting the grass around the stone and taking care of it. I missed doing that in the winter. Yesterday was Neil's first time being down at the hospital since Alex was there. Since Neil doesn't talk too much we really do not know what he is thinking. We tell him that Alex is in Heaven with Jesus and when you ask him where he is he points upward. Yesterday after leaving the hospital, he started to ask for Alex. Was actually crying to go see him at one time. We stopped at another cemetary on our way home to visit our niece, Laura Leigh's grave ( she passed away from SIDs) and when we got out of the car, he started running and screaming for Alex. How I wish I knew what he was thinking.

Please remember the Finger family. They are still in Ny. www.caringbridge.org/pa/carterfinger

Peace Out!

Thursday, May 5, 2005 9:46 AM CDT

Tommorrow marks eleven long months since Alex gained his angel wings. It is so hard for me to believe that it has almost been a whole year without Alex. Last year on this day we brought him home from Chidren's Hospital to enjoy our time with our baby. Neil reminds me more and more of Alex each day. So particular about everything. The other day in the car he was blowing kisses adn when I asked who he was kissing, he pointed to Alex's picture on my sun visor. How sad that Neil can't kiss his own brother, he has to blow kisses to him....
We made it through last month with lots of memories. I am dreading this coming month but I am sure that God will give me the strength to endure all of the pain. The Christian Motorcyle Alliance of Green County is having the First Annual Alex Lonero Memorial Bike Run on June 4. Afterwards, we are having a celebration to remember Alex and honor his memory. I'm sure that it will be very heartwarming and sad at the same time.
As for us; me, PJ and Neil, we are hanging in there. We still speak of Alex each and every day. PJ is finally back to steady work, I was offered a different position at the hospital, which I took. I was a nursing assistant but now I am the unti secretary. I never thought I would be a secreatary again! i will enter meds and orders and get to know another side of things. Just more knowledge under my belt. Plus it will be easier for me when I start school to study. PLUS, it is more money! Neil, what can I say? he is finally starting to talk more, has the energy of an energizer bunny, the temper of I don't know what and the sweetness of chocolate! He keeps us going, that is for sure.

The Finger's are heading back up to NY this weekend. Please keep them in your prayers. Happy Mother's Day to all of you Mom's out there.

Peace Out!!!

Friday, April 22, 2005 7:44 AM CDT

Last night I had a wonderful dream with Alex in it. I have not had too many and when I have he was always sad. Last night he was happy and we were talking and laughing and I could feel his love for me. We were setting up a tent so he could sleep in a tent. In my dream, he had never camped but in real life, he did. I woke up feeling very happy today.
A year ago today, Alex was getting the MIBG test that would later show us that he had much more disease progression and that he was no longer eligible for the 3F8 antibody. April 23, we headed to Ocean City, NJ for the weekend so that the boys could see the beach and play in the sand. Even though Alex was in much pain, he really enjoyed seeing the ocean and playing in the sand. It was a tough weekend. I remember knowing that something was wrong and not knowing what it was. He quit walking that weekend. We came back up to NY on Sunday, the 25th. PJ and Neil left bright and early the next day to head back home to PA. Alex was to start his second treatment of the 3F8 on Monday. He was up all night and was covered in sweat. We made our way into the hospital, the doctor saw us and told us what the MIBG showed, he was to go back to Pgh and start radiation. But in the meantime, he had a fever so they wanted to find out why. We were stuck back in a room all day until they admitted us into the hospital later in the evening. All of his cultures were coming back negative. On Tuesday, they wanted to do an xray because he was having trouble breathing. Within 15 minutes of coming back into our room, a group of doctors came into the room. I was standing next to Alex's bed. They told me that there was a large mass in his chest that was puching against his esophogus and his left lung was collapsed. I asked if it was removable and they said no. I fell to the chair sobbing. The phone rang and for some reason I answered but couldn't talk, couldn't breath. It was my mom and I told her I would call her back. They wanted us to start radiation in NY to eliviate some of his pain before heading back to Pgh. No way! I wanted to go home! I had to find PJ and tell him over the phone. He was driving at the time, so i called his brother to have PJ call me when he got there. I remember telling him and I really don't think he realized what I was saying. At first he said, Oh yeah? I repeated myself again. There is a tumor in his chest and then added, there is nothing left for them to do. He hung up the phone. Now we were stuck in Ny city by ourselves. Everyone started pulling together to get us back. We couldn't drive because the drive was too long. Our doctor tried to get us a medical flight but that kept falling through. Finally my wonderful mom bought us some very expensive airline tickets. We came home to Pgh on Wed. Pj and Neil picked us up at the airport and took us to Children's, where we were met by my mom and Gary. We ran into Rhonda Finger (Carter's mom) in the ER. I remember her crying. We were admitted and stayed there until May 4. He started his radiation treatments. I remember the feeling that I felt from all of our wonderful nurses. Everyone was sad. Something that they have to deal with alot, I'm sure. It was a very draining week.

As I posted before, i am selling Home interior candles for Carter Finger's family. If you are interested, please email me.

We also have the tshirts for the Annual Alex Lonero Cancer Bike Run on June 4. They are $10 short or long sleeved and $7 for children's short or long sleeved. Make checks out to me , Gretchen Lonero and mail them to 10821 Bellview Drive N. Huntingdon, PA 15642. Thanks.

Please remember all of the families fighting this and other cancers in your prayers. Please pray for some extra strength for the Finger family. Pray for all of the families who have lost their babies. There seem to be a lot lately.

Peace Out!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005 6:24 AM CDT

A year ago today, we were heading to Disneyworld! Without a care in the world. What a wonderful week that was. If only I could go back in time...
Last Wednesday was 10 very long months without Alex, Thursday was the two year anniversary of that dreaded day that we took him into Children's and Friday was the hellish day that we found out ALex had NB. A rough couple of days but we made it through. On Friday, April 8, another sweet little boy, Elijah, joined my Alex and Jesus. He just turned five on March 31. PJ and I went to the funeral home last night. It was very sad to see another baby laying there. We sat there and watched as Elijah's big brother would crawl up to the casket everytime someone new came in and would tell them all about Elijah. Very heartbreaking. He will be greatly missed. Please pray for his family as thry go through these tough times. www.caringbridge.org/pa/elijahking.
We saw our very favorite doctor at the funeral home and found out that she is leaving Pgh and heading to Texas to do some research on solid tumors, including NB! What an amazing woman. Please keep her in your prayers that she one day finds some cure for this monster. We had a nice talk with her but not long enough, hopefully before she leaves the area, we can get together for some coffee.

I will be traveling without husband or child in July to go to the Nb conference. I am so excited to finally meet all of the parents that I've met via, internet. Hopefully Carter's Mom, Rhonda will be able to attend with me. They are in NY this week getting Carter's second week of treatment. He is still getting pain which is what we want unfortunately. Please remember them in your prayers as well. I will be selling Home Interior Candles to raise some money for them to get back and forth to Ny. They will make wonderful Mom Day's gifts. If you are interested in buying some, email me. Thanks.

My last entry, I left off with just finding out about Alex. After that things moved very quickly. He was taken in to remove the lymph node in his neck and have in biopsed, they inserted his "B-lion" (broviac line) and started his high dose chemo. (By the way, we still have his b-lion in a bag). We were in the hospital for two weeks. I left one day to do some laundry and buy some groceries and everything was in full bloom and I remember thinking that I will never enjoy life again, how could I? My baby was just diagnosed with cancer, the worst kind. We came home on a Wed and was back in on Easter Sunday for fevers. They were giving him morphine for his mouth sores and I thought that was the most horrible thing, giving a two year old all of this morphine. If I only knew what I was in for. I noticed his hair all over the pillow. When we brought him home this time, the first night he kept waking up crying and putting his hand in his mouth gagging. I couldn't figure out what was happening until I finally took him downstairs and saw all of his beautiful hair falling out in clumps. He later asked me what happened to his hair and I told him we had it cut off and he said but I just had a haircut! What a smartie. I fell in love with that bald head. Kissing it all the time and rubbing it. He had a bunch of fuzzie hairs sticking up for a long time, he looked like a little old man. When he finally lost that he had five stray hairs in the back of his head that stuck up. We called him Charlie Brown. We then wondered why Charlie Brown did not have hair, perhaps he had chemo also. What I wouldn't do to kiss that bald head one more time. I can now spot a child on chemo in any crowd. And am drawn to them. They all have that chemo odor. Perhaps it is just to catch a whiff of them. I remember smelling little Carter. I guess I was smelling him a little too much because he had to ask me to please stop smellin him!!!

**First Annual Alex Lonero Cancer Bike Run**
Saturday, June 4 (raindate June 11)
I do not have all of the details yet but will post them as soon as I get them. We are taking orders for t-shirts to raise money for Children's Hospital oncology unit. The shirts are $10.00 short or long sleeved, $7.00 for children. If you are interested in helping out and buying one or more please send a check made out to me Gretchen Lonero 10821 Bellview Drive N. huntingdon, PA 15642. If you want the shirts mailed back to you add $2.00 for shipping. thanks.

Peace Out!

Wednesday, March 30, 2005 7:46 AM CST

**UPDATE** Friday, April 8
Our little friend Elijah joined my Alex this morning at 6:30 am. Please pray Elijah's family as they go through this terrible time. www.caringbridge.org/pa/elijahking

Well we survived through Easter. It was a tough one. Harder than Christmas. Neil enjoyed himself and loved all of the candy that the Easter Bunny (Hop) left for him. That is all he wants to eat now. He was an old pro at the Eater egg hunts. We wore our shirts with Alex's picture on them . It was a very tiring weekend.
Next week marks the anniversary of Alex's diagnosis on April 8. We went into the hospital on April 7 two years ago. It seems like yesterday and I'm sure will always be clear in my mind. "We are bringing in an oncologist to look at him." Hmmm, I wonder who an oncologist is? "It might be leukemia." I remember calling my mom and telling her they were having an oncologist take a look at him and she had a quick intake of breath and told me that was a cancer doctor! How uneducated I was about all of that back then. How I wish I still was. As we waited in the ER, PJ went and bought him some gummy bears and a bag of M&Ms. He had on his dinosaur turtle neck with his little Levi jeans that Neil now wears. He couldn't have his CT scan that day because of the candy and chicken nuggets that he ate on the way to the hospital. We had to wait until the next morning. That night they taped a bag to him to collect urine and they woke him up at 4am to take it off. He screamed. They woke him back up to drink the contrast for the CT, he wouldn't drink it so they took us into the procedure room and put a tube down his nose to give him the contrast. How helpless I felt as I stood there and cried. He screamed and looked at me with such a terrible look in his eyes. Why was I letting these people do this to him? Later they took him down for the CT, they put him under and as we were put into this tiny room to wait for him to awaken, i remember thinking to myself, "This is all too much for me, I pray there is nothing wrong with him because I can't handle all of this." A little after 3 pm, we met Dr Egler for the first time. Dr. Egler and Dr. G came into our room carrying chairs. My heart sank. The Ct showed a tumor. He has nueroblah, blah, blah. Alex was lying in the crib sleeping, thank God. PJ and I leaned against each other to hold each other up. Dr G went and got us kleenex. We were sharing a room with a young mother with a new baby who had a hernia and cried all of the time. That baby wasn't crying then, the mom was as she listened to our hell break lose.

I'm done making everyone cry today. Come back next week to cry some more, bring your kleenex.

Through ALex's treatments, a very wonderful motorcycyle association adopted ALex. They prayed for us, sold pepperoni rolls to raise money for us and were there for us. The Christian Motorcycle Alliance of Greene County is holding a bike run for cancer in Alex's memory on Saturday< june 4. All of the donations will be given to children's Hospital of Pgh to the oncology unit. We are selling t-shirts to raise money for this. On the front it says, Alex Lonero Memorial Cancer Run. On the back it has names and dates of others who have died from cancer and that they have ridden for in the past. The shirts are $10.00 each, short or long sleeved. $7.00 for childrens. No smaller than 4T. Please make a check out to me, Gretchen Lonero and mail it it 10821 Bellview Drive N. huntingdon, PA 15642. Add $2.00 if you the shirt/s need to be mailed back to you. Thanks. Any questions, please email me. I will have more details of the run soon and will post them. Thanks.

Please remember all of our friends who are battling this terrible disease. Carter as they go back up to NY, Elijah who is soon going to be playing with my Alex in Heaven's playground, Issacc, Phillip.
www.caringbridge.org/pa/carterfinger
www.caringbridge.org/pa/elijahking
www.caringbridge.org/oh/bubba
Pleae visit their sites and give them all some encouraging words, let them know that their are many prayers being said for them out there.

Peace Out!

Sunday, March 20, 2005 7:57 PM CST

Two years ago today our life of "hell" started showing itself. PJ was working out of town in Clarion. I decided to go up and visit him with the boys and stay over night. We went up on March 19th. Before we left the house I remember Alex telling me that his knee hurt him, which he had been saying for a couple of weeks now but we just thought he was making it up or it was just growing pains. We went up, PJ took us to a yummy pizza place where Alex ran around and made the waitress and everyone there laugh. We woke up the next morning, PJ left to go to work and Alex threw up and was burning up with a fever. I brought the boys back home, with ALex crying almost the entire two hour drive back that his belly hurt him. I called the doctor and explained his symptoms and they told me that it was just a bad "viral" infection that was going around with really bad belly pains, vomiting, diarhea (he didn't vomit again since that morning and he didn't have diarhea) All he had was a high fever and extreme belly pains. This went on for three weeks before we found out what was happening.

Easter is a week away. I am dreading it more than I was the Christmas holiday. Last year at Easter, we made some really great memories with Alex, some of our last ones before we knew he wasn't going to beat the terrible monster. He had so much fun at the "egg hunt" the day before Easter. We stayed late that day with the Cynkars and the kids ran and played and had so much fun. I am glad that the Stanesics and the Cynkars were able to make some wonderful memories of their own with Alex that day. On Easter we went to church and took Alex up front and had everyone pray that the pain in his leg would go away. We woke up the next day to get ready to go to DisneyWorld and Alex was fine. A week full of the most wonderful, precious memories. We gave him the "world" that week. I am so thankful for all that made that possible.

I am going to stop with the bittersweet memories for now as the tears are flowing. Please remember us in your prays the next couple of weeks. Also Carter, Elijah, Isaac and their families.

~When we lose someone close to our hearts, it's easy to get tangled up in self-pity. That's when we don't need to dwell on the fact that they are gone but, instead, imagine they have just opted for better seats.~

Peace Out and Happy Easter!

Sunday, March 6, 2005 11:14 AM CST

9 months since I last held my baby. The amount of time that I carried him in my belly and waited anxiously to meet him. Once again, i am waiting anxiously to meet him but this time it will be longer than 9 months.

Even though it has been 9 months since we've seen our Alex he still strongly lives within our hearts everyday. Not a day goes by that we don't bring him into our routine some way or another. We miss you Alex!

The nasty flu bug has hit our house. PJ and Neil have been feeling yucky for about a week now. HELP ME! I have the lysol out and am spraying everything they touch. I have not gotten it YET. I can't wait until spring and warm weather to come so that I can open windows and air this house out. Neil is really reminding us of Alex with him being sick. His crankiness, laying on the the couch watching movies (something that Neil does not do ever; sit still!) He is a character. Always keeping us busy and laughing.

We haven't been up to much the past month. The weather is yucky and with everyone being sick, we have been sitting in the house. I did get a new car which i am in Love with.
My blazer was on its last wheels, not to mention that it was starting to get very stinky in there. All of the countless vomits that occured in there, chicken nugget, fruities and other yummy foods hidden away in the cracks of the seats.

Two weeks ago at church they had a christian rock band come and play and i have to take a minute to give them some publicity. Farewell June is their name and they are out of Missouri. They are fantastic, even if you are not into that music. I haven't listened to anything but their cd in the past two weeks. They get me pumped up on the way to work and again on the way home. A good start and end to each day. You can visit their site and hear some of their songs at www.farewelljune.com. They are fantastic!!!!

Lastly we need prayers for a sweet boy named Elijah who has been battling NB for two years this month and has just stopped treatment and putting everything into God's hands. I went and visited them at the clinic the other day, I have never met them but have heard about them and talked with his mom on line. He reminded me so much of my Alex. His mom is a very strong woman. Please visit their site and give them some encouraging words. www/caringbridge.org/pa/elijahking.com

Also, please remember our wonderful friends, The Fingers who have just gotten back from NY. www.caringbridge.org/pa/carterfinger/
Peace Out

Sunday, February 6, 2005 10:02 AM CST

February 6.....Eight long months since I last held my baby. There isn't a day that goes by that something doesn't happen that reminds us of our Alex. A smell, a word, a song, a noise, a look from Neil, so many things to let us know that he is still here with us everyday. Everyday PJ or I remember something cute that he would say or do and tell each other so that we have something to smile about all day. I love my memories of Alex. So many wonderful ones. My memories do not make me sad, they make me happy and grateful that God gave ALex to us so that we were able to love him and enjoy every second that we had with him.
Through all of this, we have found out who are real friends are. You all know who you are and I want to thank all of you for being there for us even in the worst of times. Unfortunately, we seem to scare some away. People don't know what to say or do with us. We will not freak out and start crying or yelling. All we want to do is talk about our Alex. It makes us happy when someone else shares an Alex story of their own with us. So please, feel free to talk away about Alex with us. We won't get upset.

I have decided to go to school for nursing. i am getting all of the paperwork in order and should start this August. I will go part time for four years at Shady side school of nursing. I am very excited and nervous about it. Thanks to my wonderful friend, Darla for giving me the extra little shove that I needed to get started.

Last night we went to the Finger's for dinner and some much needed laughter and running and playing for Neil and the kids. Neil was playing so hard and woke up this morning jibber jabbering about Mariah and Carter. We had such a good time, thank you. We are going out and buying Mad Gab to study the answers for the next time. So that we can kick your butts!!! Please remember to pray for Carter and his family. They still are waiting to hear something about the MIBG scan. Let's pray that it is nothing. And please pray for strength for Rhonda and Howard and Mariah.

Peace Out!

Sunday, January 16, 2005 9:07 PM CST

Sorry that it has been so long since my last update. Just trying to get through all of the blahs, winter and especially missing Alex blahs.
This weekend, we did something I swore I would never do again in my life. We went to Ny City. Our wonderful friends, the Fingers (Carter) went up on Thursday for some tests and to start his antibody this week. I came up with a great idea to go up and visit with them to help them get through these next couple of weeks. I know what it is like to be up there for weeks and it is nice to see familiar (home) faces. We had a great time, we watched the Steelers kick the NY Jet's buts. GO STEELERS!!!! We ate alot! There was nothing much to do since it is freezing stinkin cold out. We will have to go up again in the spring when it gets warmer. Neil had a great time playing and wrestling around with Carter. I'll admit it was a little sad to be there but knowing that we were there to support the Fingers made the sadness go away. When we first got there, we were walking down to the RMDH to meet them and on one certain street between the hospital and the house was where I swore I would never go back to that place as I walked back to the house to pack our stuff so that I could take my baby home to love every last second we had with him before he went to be with Jesus. I found myself reliving that week alot this weekend. But like I said, it was nice to be there for Rhonda, Howard and Carter.

Last week, Carter has a MIBG test and I was working that day so I snuck down to give them some presents to take to NY with them. Howard asked if I would sit with Carter while he ran outside for a minute and of course I said yes. Carter got called back and at first I was sad. We were sitting in the hallway that Alex and I sat in so many times before and then we went into the room that Alex and I went into many times before. Later as I thought about it, it didn't really make me sad, it made me happy. I was touched that I was apart of Carter's treatment, even if it was a small part. That they trusted me to be there with him. I was a nervous wreck even when PJ took Alex for his test. Thank you guys for trusting me. It meant alot to me.

Well enough about the Fingers! Just kidding! Oh yeah, we missed you Mariah! Back to us, we are getting by. Some days are hard and some not so hard. We miss Alex with all of our being. When Neil is getting crazy, we wonder what it would be like with the both of them here. How crazy they would be together! We see alot of Alex in Neil. Certain things that he does. It always brings a smile to our faces. Neil seems to fall alot and run into the walls and such (clutz) I said that it is probably Alex pushing him, just like brothers do....

Peace Out!

Saturday, December 25, 2004 10:36 PM CST

Well we have made it through another holiday. We were missing Alex so much but knowing that he is with Jesus this year and probably having the biggest party ever helped me to get through it with a smile. At a time when you feel so alone. Everyone is busy with all of their holiday plans and you feel like they are too busy to think of you, so many of you out there came forward and let us know that we are not alone. Thank you all so much. I want to thank a wonderful friend that I have made since Alex passed but have never met her personally for the beautiful gift that she sent to me. It meant so very much to me. And a big thanks to Cathy M. for the beautiful framed prints that she gave to me, my Mom and my mom-in-law. I could go on and on to all of the wonderful friends out there who have showed their wonderfulness at this time of the year, you all know who you are and thank you. You let us know that we are not alone when we feel so alone. Thank you.

I turned 30 years old and survived. Do I feel older? Maybe a little bit. I actually feel more like 45! So many were there again for me and I am thankful to all of you. Someone asked me the other day if there has ever been a day that I have not been sad about Alex. No. Everyday I relive a time in Alex's life. We miss him so much. One day we will learn how to survive every day but we will never be the same. There will never be a day that goes by that I will not think of him. He is still a big part of our lives. I listen to PJ talk with his friends and all he talks about is Alex. Alex this, Alex that, Alex said this, Alex did that. Always with a smile and laughter. We love talking about him to anyone and everyone that will listen. It helps us to keep him alive.

Last year on this day, Alex never really woke up. He awoke long enough to tell Santa to get out of his room and maybe a couple of others. I remember how hard it was. My precious baby lieing in his hospital bed sleeping Christmas away. He had a fever of about 104 for days. He wouldn't take tylenol because his mouth hurt him so bad, we had to keep ice bags all around him and cool towels. until he would wake up for a minute and throw them off! It was a very hard time. But the hospital staff did their best to get us through it. I took soem candy up to 8N yesterday for all of them. To walk through those doors into the unit is the best thing. I love the sights, smells, people. It brings back so many memories of Alex. Whether they were good or bad they are memories and I love them.

i hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas with all of your family and friends. We had a nice one. I hope that the New Year proves to be a better one for all of us. Please don't forget to pray for all of us who have lost our babies and the ones fighting the battle. Please remember our wonderful friends the Fingers. Carter just finished up another round of treatment in NY and made it home in time for Christmas. Please pray that the cancer stays away and that he is healed. Also our other wonderful friends from Ohio, The Cronins. Issaac will be heading back into the hospital for another stem cell rescue. Please pray the he is rid of this terrible disease.
Thank you all and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Peace Out!

Tuesday, December 7, 2004 7:53 PM CST

Well, we made it through one holiday, so many more to go. I had a nice day at work, ate alot, Pj and Neil went to my Mom's and then to my brother's. PJ ate alot!

Yesterday was 6 very long months since Alex passed. Today a year ago we celebrated Christmas with all of the family. We told Alex that we called Santa and told him that Alex would be in the hospital for Christmas and that he would make a special trip. he was so excited that morning, rippin open all of the many presents, he got his first big shiny, blue two wheeler. All he ever got to do was sit on it. Neil now thinks it is his. It still has the tags on it. We went into the hospital on Dec 8 to start his transplant. He received his stem cells back on Dec 17, my birthday, which is also the day that I found out I was pregnant with him. The best present ever! It was tough being in the hospital for the holidays but we managed. The nurses, pcts, doctors, cleaning girls, childlife all made it as easy as could be. Once again, thank you all. And all of the rest of you who sent cards and gifts and called and visited. It was all much appreciated.

I ran into one of my favorites from 8N, our home health care nurse, whom I loved. it was so nice to see her and talk with her. I miss all of them. It's nice to know that they still think about you and check in from time to time on the site. Thank you. Today at work, I looked out one of the windows that over looks Children's Hospital and there above it was the most beautiful rainbow ever. Directly above it. With big puffy clouds all around. The work of our angels. It made my day.

Please keep all of the families battling cancer and the ones who have lost in your prayers and thoughts during the holidays. Remember Carter who will be traveling back up to Ny shortly for his second treatment, Isaac who just finished radiation and still has some tumor in his leg and will be going in for his second stem cell rescue after Christmas. Please still say some prayers for us, we expecially need our strength to get through the next couple of months. How I wish I could close my eyes and go to sleep until?????????

Peace Out!

Thursday, November 18, 2004 11:31 AM CST

Thanksgiving is approaching fast. I've cooked Thanksgiving for the past seven years except last year, none cooked and we went out to a nice restaurant. Alex loved the New England clam chowder and that was all he ate. Perhaps that should become a tradition from now to have clam chowder at Thanksgiving. This year I am working. We will have a nice dinner there, we are all bringing a dish in.
They put a board up at work where we can put what we are thankful for this year. ?????? I've decided that I am thankful for my sanity, my strength, my wonderful family, my opportunity to work in the hospital and give to others, and my very wonderful supportive, caring friends who let me talk about Alex, talk about Alex with me, understand me and what I am going through the best that they can. you all know who you are, thank you. I am very lucky to have these friends in my life. I am also thankful for the people who still think of my baby and have not forgotten him. I went to the cemetary the other day and there were matchbox cars there, Alex loved them. Thank you to the person who left them there, it means so much to me that you care enough to think about Alex and buy him some cars.
Anyways, as for us and how we are doing. We are hanging in there. Dreading the upcoming holidays. I've been keeping my schedule as full as can be to keep my mind occupied. Again, thanks to all of my family and friends who help fill it. It will be a year ago the day after Thanksgiving that I received the call from Dr. Egler that the chemo was not doing it's job. I remember that phone call like it was yesterday. Pj was away hunting, my mom was away for the weekend. I went the whole weekend by myself with this terrible news. I got off of the phone with her and ate the rest of the pie in the fridge. (Oh, that's where all of this extra weight came from!)
Tonight we are going to Irwin's light up night. Last year Alex enjoyed himself there so much. He ran back and forth collecting candy that they were throwing from the parade. You would have never known that he just recently had chemo. He had so much candy by the end of the night. Tonight will be bittersweet. I'm thankful that we all have that wonderful memory of him.
I hope that everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. Remember your family and thank them for everything.

A couple more thankfuls. (For not being able to think of any the other day, I sure am now) i am thankful that God gave us Alex, that he lived his life to the fullest, that we had such a wonderful support group, that so many helped us financially that we were able to just put our full attention on loving Alex and giving him the best care, that we were able to make such wonderful,loving memories with him. I am thankful for all of the doctors and nurses that took care of him, all of the hospital personnell that made our stays so much easier.

Peace Out!

Friday, November 5, 2004 12:13 AM CST

Our trick or treating was a flop! I only got about 15 or so kids. I was so excited to give out candy. Oh well, maybe next year.
Carter's ct scan and bone scan came back showing no disease!!!!! They are waiting to hear about the MIBG and bone marrow. Let's pray that they are clear!! Please don't forget about their bingo this Sunday, Nov 7 at 1pm at Parkway Center Mall food court. $10 to get in. chinese auction, 50/50, food and lots of fun. Please come out and support the Finger family.

Yesterday, Neil was running with a toy truck and fell and hit his mouth hard. I was at work and PJ called in a frantic. There was blood everywhere. He pushed back his front tooth and his lip is super big. Poor baby. One good thing to come from this, is hopefully he gets rid of the binky. He can't suck on it becasue it hurts. But he still wants to hold it in his hand while he sleeps. He has a dentist appointment on Monday. His first dentist visit. This ought to be fun. I will update next week how that all goes.

Our local paper, the Tribune-Review did a wonderful article on the playground at the church. Please take a minute and visit the site. Alex'sPlayground

Tomorrow will be five months since Alex passed away. One more month to half a year. It is so hard to believe. I still sometimes expect him to come running in yelling "Looook Mommy"

Peace Out

Sunday, October 31, 2004 1:14 PM CST

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!! Yesterday we dedicated Alex's playground at the church. It was a very ugly day, raining on and off, clouds in the sky. As we all went out to the playground for the dedication the blue skies and sun appeared. Thank you Jesus and ALex! Pastor Gary said a prayer, we released four dozen balloons and let the kids play. It was beautiful. Thanks to all who helped out building the playground and for yesterday. Afterwards we had a harvest party with lots of food, games, a moonwalk, hayrides, a very large bonfire. It was a very nice night.

Carter and his mom are on their way to NY for tests. Please keep them in your prayers so that they have a safe trip up and back. And that the tests are good. Don;t forget about their Home Interior bingo coming up next Sunday, Nov. 7. It starts at 1pm at Parkway Center Mall in the food court. $10. chinese auction, 50/50, door prizes and food. Please come help support the Fingers.

I hope that everyone has a fun and safe Halloween.

Peace Out

Friday, October 22, 2004 11:00 AM CDT

Another NB warrior has gained her wings tonight. Precious Shelby passed away tonight at 8:18pm. Please visit her site and pray for her family.

This is my third time trying to post a new entry. Hopefully this works. Starting off by saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my Mom who's birthday was yesterday and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Aunt Terri who's birthday is tommorrow.

Nothing exciting has been happening. The most excitement is my new vaccum that I love. it is a bagless and you can see all of the crap that you pick up. You would be amazed how dirty your floors are when you think they are clean! I love to vacum and I now vacuum three times a day instead of two. i probably should seek some counseling!

Please pray for Shelby and Derek. Both of them are not doing so well. Please visit their sites and give some encouraging words.

A friend asked the other day if i think it makes things worse by going on all of these sites daily. This has become my life. I am not the same person as I was on April 6, 2003. I was thrown into this world and it is what I now know. It is sometimes easier to talk and be with people who know exactly what you are going through, what you are feeling, thinking. I want to be there for these families, to help them get througth these terrible times. I know allabout it. And if I can help them in any way than that's my purpose in life now.
Fall is here and it is proving to be a hard time for me. The holidays are fast approaching and I am dreading them. Right now my outlook on them is not to celebrate. That could change by the time they come around. I seem t change my mind about things all the time now. So for all of you friends and family out there, if I do not want to participate in celebrations this year do not take it personally, please understand and don't push me. Had to get that out there. Thanks for understanding.

Please don't forget Carter and Isaac. A Home Interior Bingo is coming up on Nov 7 at Parkway Center Mall in the food court. it starts at 1pm and cost is $10 to get in and three strips of tickets to play. There will be a chinese auction, 50/50, door prizes, food and lots of fun. Please come support the Finger family. They are heading back up to NY next week and that can be very expensive.

peace Out

Monday, October 11, 2004 8:17 AM CDT

Like usual, been keeping very busy. I woke up Friday morning having a dream of my Alex. My first dream since he passed away. It was nice to dream of him and talk with him and hold him, but he was so sad in my dream. It left me unsettled all day. I got in my truck that morning and instantly heard the song that was played at Alex's funeral on the radio. Celine Dion just came out with a remake of it. I think I liked it better when the only time I heard it was when I wanted to. The song was originally by John Lennon, Beautiful Boy. Maybe there is a reason for it. Maybe Alex had a hand in that. i went to Ligonier Days with Janet and Kendra and had a good time. We both bought these beautiful butterflies enclosed in a shadow box. They are so beautiful.
Saturday we had a wedding to go to. I was so excited to get out for a night. It was a good friend I used to work with, Angela. The wedding was beautiful. But.... the whole time I was fighting back the tears and finally lost it when everyone started dancing. Everyone was so happy and having so much fun. I wanted to have fun. I was angry at the world and started crying while eating the very yummy cake. We had to skip out early. It made me realize all that we will miss out on. I will never see Aelx's bride walk down the aisle to him, I will never get to dance with him and the list can go on and on. So sorry Ang, you were beautiful and everything was so nice. Congratulations and Best Wishes to you and Jason.
Please remember all of the families fighting this disease and all of the ones who have lost their loved ones to it. Please pray for Carter and Isaac and their families. Pray for strength to make it through another day.

Peace Out!

Wednesday, October 6, 2004 7:03 AM CDT

Pretty quiet on this end. The plaground is finished at the church. It is going to be dedicated on Saturday, October 30 at the Harvest Party. We can't wait. A big thanks to all who helped build it. You are all wonderful. The children will love it.
Today marks four very long months since my baby left us. We miss him more now than ever. I've decorated the his grave with a hay bale, pumpkins, gourds, mums. It looks very nice. Last year he picked out the gourds and pumpkins and enjoyed himself so much.
Yesterday on Hollywood Access, they had a story of a little boy with cancer who passed away and I did not catch what kind of cnacer he had. They did a documentary on him becasue he wanted to be a movie star. When I came home on my NB email list another mom was asking if anyone saw it becasue the boy had NB. Well the boys doctor was lurking in the shadows of our list and responded. Here is the address of a story that a woman did on him www.laststories.com/dustin.html/ Please visit the site. It is a very touching story.

There is going to be a Home Interiors Bingo on Nov. 7 at Parkway Center Mall for our little man, Carter Finger. Please, we need all of you local readers to attend. They are going to be heading to NY for treatment again and it is not cheap to go there. They need your support. It is a fun time, so I've heard (we could not attend ours because we had to leave for NY that day)
$10.00 gets you three cards.
Chinese auction - you will recieve more cards for buying these tickets.
50/50, food, door prizes
If anyone can help in anyway(they need lots of help because they are going into the hospital today for more high dose chemo and then heading to NY in three weeks) please give Rhonda a call at 412-913-7952.
For more info you can email me or call Rhonda. Thank you for your support. Hope to see everyone there!!!!!

Peace Out!!

Tuesday, September 28, 2004 8:19 PM CDT

Well we are finally in the new house!!! I am exhausted. I've either been packing, moving or working. The house is very cozy and so much less to clean. Neil has adjusted just well and has his toys everywhere. Now that we are in a smaller house you can really see just how many toys we have. It is crazy. We have more toys than other stuff. Alex has moved right along with us. Now that the house is smaller you also see pics of Alex everywhere. He would have liked the house. only one minute from our favorite park. Five minutes from all of the stores, three minutes from the cemetary, good pizza that delivers all around (something we did not have out there in the country).

My job is going well. I am getting to know everyone better and fitting in with them all. i am really enjoying it. Tonight on a trip to CT SCan, I ran into one of Alex's very favorite PCTs from Children's. Seeing him made my night. Thank you Joe for checking in on us still. And always remember "Get Out OF Here!!!" Like I've said before, he was just being a hard A**. He was a big softie inside and talked about you all the time. Thank you again for all that you have done for us. Yoiu were always the best at keeping us stocked on all of the linens (especially the pee pads). I hope that everone appreciates you in the ER.

Well I've got to run. Remember all of the families fighting NB and other cancers. Don't forget about us, the ones who have lost our loved ones. WE still are in need of your prayers. Winter is coming and I am dreading it. I have this feeling everything is going to hit me right in the face and it's not going to be pretty. Pray for Carter and Isaac and visit their sites and let them know that you stopped by.

There is going to be a Home Interior Bingo like the one that we had last March for Carter. It is going to be Nov 7. I can not remember where right now but as soon as I find out I will post it. Don't make any plans for that day. I missed ours but heard it was alot of fun. Please try to come and help out Carter and his family.

Peace Out!!!!

Tuesday, September 21, 2004 3:03 PM CDT

Nothing much exciting has been happening. I have been either working or packing and moving. Exhausted!!! We are still not in the new house yet. It feels like we will never get moved in. We had a bit of a scare last Friday. I was getting ready to give Neil a bath and found a bump behind his ear. Freaking out, I was. Called first thing Saturday morning and they made room to see him without a problem. Thank you very, very much to Premier Medical for treating us so wonderfully. You could of asked us to wait until Monday but you took us right away. Thank you so much. Anyways it was nothing but if it is still there in about a week or two I will be calling you all back.

Today I went over to visit Bubba at Children's on my lunch break. (Bubba is doing very well, they are just waiting for his counts to recover.) On my way over I ran into one of the technicians from nuclear medicine where Alex had many of his tests. I was very surprised that he recognized me and remembered me and asked how his little man ALex was.... I told him that he passed away and he was speechless, gave me a big hug. That was one of those moments that you don't relaize how hard it will hit you. It was so touching to me that he remembered my baby boy and was very sad to hear the news. He wasn't someone that we saw all the time, only when he had the tests. It proved to me that he is a very caring person. Needless to say, I came back to work, took a pill and had to hide for about ten minutes and get myself together.

Hopefully we will be in the house by this weekend. Thank you all for checking in on us. It means so much to us. Please give your kids big hugs and kisses and tell them you love them. Please pray for all of the families dealing with this tragic disease.

P.S. The playground will be started this weekend. Anyone wanting to volunteer your construction abilities please go to Chrisitian Life Church in Trafford on Saturday. Thanks!

Peace Out!!

Monday, September 13, 2004 8:45 PM CDT

I am finally done with nights!!!!! Hoorah!!! My last hour this morning I was faling asleep and again on the ride home. I can not do nights. The new house is all ready to move into we just have to find the time. PJ is working everyday and he is whooped when he gets home, I work Wed and then again Sat, Sun, Mon and Tues. I am going to be worthless. I am not going to stress myself out, when it gets done, it gets done.
Saturday I worked day light and on my lunch went over to visit Carter and Bubba. bubba's family received some not so good news but hopefully it does not bring them done and they keep their faith and a good outlook. Please pray for lots and lots of strength for them. Bubba reminded me so much of Alex lieing in the hospital bed all hooked up with his little bald head. It brought back some good memories. Know you ask how could lieing in the hospital bed hooked up to chemo be good memories? They were memories of my baby, that makes them great memories. My heart is aching for them, for I feel so much of what they are going through and hearing from the doctors. Please visit his site, Bubba. And then I went and visited Carter in the playroom, he was playing some basketball with his aunt and Mom. I took him a game for his gameboy for his birthday, it was one of Alex's favorite games to play on the playstation, Spyro. Ihope that he enjoys it just as much. while we were in their talking a toy in the corner went off a couple of times. It was a cow mooing. Noone was near it. Rhonda and I just looked at each other and smiled. I am sure you can guess who that was. The playroom was one of Alex's favorite places to be. No doubt in my mind that he was there with us. i went back to work with a smile on my face the rest of the day. Thank you Alex for showing yourself every once in while and thank you Jesus for allowing him. anyways Carter is doing well, they are taking him off of the morphine. His counts are still -0- but hopefully they are on their way back up and they can go home soon. Please pray for Carter and his family. unless you have been through this yourself, you can not even imagine the strength that you need to make it through each day. Please pray for strength for them. And all of the families fighting this monster and the families who have lost their babies, please still pray for them. God knows, we are still in need of strength to make it through each day.

Well I have got to get back to packing, packing and more packing. I can not wait for this to be over! We have so much crap int his house.

One more pray request, Pastor Jim Capets of Christian Life Church is leaving and going to a new church in Wisconsin. The next couple of months will probably be tough on them. Please pray for the entire Capet family. thank you. Also the ground breaking has occured for the playground! We are all so excited! thank you to all who purchased cookbooks or just donated. I hope that you enjoy your cookbooks just as much as the children will enjoy the playground.

Peace Out!

Wednesday, September 8, 2004 8:12 PM CDT

One More Night at work!!!Hurray!! I hate nights. It is making me so crazy.. We have been pretty busy trying to get stuff ready to move. Packing stuff, throwing stuff away and cleaning. I can't wait for this to be over. I did take a big step the other day, as I was cleaning out the kitchen cabinets, I came across Alex's meds. I actually started to pack them in the box to take with us to the new house....Then I stopped and really thought about this. Is it really sane to take these with us. I threw them out. It was very hard, maybe the hardest thing I have done so far. I still need to go through his line care stuff. Another hard thing. Maybe it will just move with us... I joined a NB-Angel emailing thing. Many other parents who have lost their babies and even ones who are still here, have relapsed, or are on hospice. It is very interesting talking with them.

Today Neil had his two year check up and all went well. We brought some urine bottles home to collect some pee from him and have it checked for NB. Everyone at the office was super nice. Thank you all for buying the cookbooks. Neil had to have four shots today. He was such a trooper, I said his big brother was there holding his hand. He didn't even flinch for the first two, the last two he screamed. But only for a second and then they mentioned stickers and he was fine. He was past due on some because of Alex. He couldn't get them because they were live viruses.

Afterwards we went and cleaned the house, then decided to go to Red Lobster for dinner. A very nice someone gave us a gift card for Red Lobster and Toys R Us after Alex passed. For a yucky day. Well today was yucky. What a nice gift for someone. If you are reading this, thank you very much. I am off work until Saturday, so tomorrow and Friday I will be busy, busy, busy.

Please remember all of the children fighting this monster. Pray for them and their families, Carter, Isaac, GiGi, Phillip, Shelby, Kaitlyn, Aleah, Kolton, and so many more. Remember the ones who have lost their battle and pray for their families, we still need them. Don't let a day go by without letting your children know that you love them, kiss and hug them each day and cherish each and every moment. Don't be so hard on them and spoil(love), spoil(love), spoil(love) them.

Peace Out

Monday, September 6, 2004 1:23 AM CDT

Nothing very exciting happened over the weekend. Friday night, I worked. Only 2 more nights after tonight!!!! I am NOT a night person. I can not sleep during the day. Twelve hour nights are too long. Saturday we went to the Biddle Fest in Biddle. We listened to some bands play. One of them, the Knobs. A guy PJ works for is the singer in the band. They play some good music. I saw an old friend there. It was nice to see you Staci. Thank you again for checking in on us and I promise to try to update more often!!

Today we started to clean our new house. i got the bathroom scrubbed down. Then I had to come home and try to get some sleep because I had to come into work. It is going to be ssuch a change. While there, I didn't see any spiders. We have so many spiders in our house now, being an old big house. You can kill one in a corner and an hour later there is another one in it's spot. PJ (the social butterfly that he is) met two of our neighbors already. It will be nice to have neighbors again. Someone to borrow sugar or eggs off of.

Well today is 3 months since my little man recieved his angel wings. It has not gotten any easier only much harder. I constantly relive his last couple of months in my head. I am so afraid that I will forget something about him. The other day I was watching Neil sleep and he had one eye open a little bit and I remembered that Alex constantly slept with both of his eyes open. The nurses and doctors used to walk in the room and start to talk to him, thinking he was awake and I would have to tell them, he's sleeping. I told PJ about Neil and he too had forgotten.

Anyways, I hope that everyone has a Happy Labor Day. Pleasee remember to pray for all of our friends battling cancer and also the ones who have lost their battle. Thanks again for checking in on us.

Peace Out!

Thursday, September 2, 2004 11:02 AM CDT

Friday update! Today is PJ's birthday! Happy Birthday PJ!!!! He is the big 41! I bet he feels more like 81.

Well, here is our big news of the week. We are moving! It is something that we have wanted to do for a long time now. We are so far away from everyone that we know and love. It will be so much nicer to be close to everyone again. Also a smaller house, which means less to clean!!!! For those who do not know, we live in a large 150 year old farm house, Being that it is old, it seems like it is always dirty and with so many rooms it is hard to keep up. We have lived out here for 6 years. I have never made any friends out this way, everyone is back towards Irwin and Trafford. Plus now that I am working, it will be a much easier, faster drive.
Am I ready for this? Yes and no. I hate living out here but it is going to be hard to leave this house because of Alex. I know that he will follow wherever we go, but still all of my memories are in this house. I told PJ last night, Please bear with me, I am going to be depressed and sad in the next month but I will get through it, it is something that will be good for all of us. Yesterday I brought some boxes down with baby clothes in them, of course I had to open and look at them. It can be sad to look at baby clothes for anyone, but being that they were /alex's was very sad. Tehn later I was cleaning out a drawer in the bathroom and came across all of the tape rolls that we used to tape up his broviac line when he got a bath. Some more tears. Like I said, this is going to be hard. Stuff I have been chosing not to acknowledge, is going to have to be now.
Anyways, I made it through my double nights of work. I have four more nights and then I am done with them. I will work two 7a-7p and two 3p-11p. That will work out so much better. It is very hard to work nights and my hat off to all that do. I do not know how you live like that. I would get very stupid after a while. I like all of the people, they are all nice.
Sunday before I went in I stopped over to see Carter, he was doing good, once they mentioned the bendryl. It was nice to see them and visit 8N. I got to see some of our favorite nurses, who had to take a double take at me in my scrubs. Please remember Carter and his family, Isaac and his family(Isaac is going in today for chemo). Please say a prayer everyday for them.

Update on the cookbooks. We have sold all of the cookbooks. Thanks to all who bought one. We ordered the playground yesterday and we are very excited to get it. I hope you all enjoy your books and make some delicious foods from it and remember Alex when you eat it.

Peace Out

Sunday, August 29, 2004 8:42 AM CDT

We have been busy, busy, busy. I worked last Mon and Tues. Made it through Alex's birthday with onl a few hundred tears. Thank you to all of you who helped us make it through the day. Wed, we went to the park with Darla and the kids. Neil had a great time as usual. Thurs I worked. Fri, PJ and I ran around all day. Yesterday I went to the rennesance(sp?) fair down the road with MaryJo. It is only five minutes down the road and I never have been there. Now I know why. It was very expensive, and very wierd. Though we did have a good time. Lots of people dressed up in midevil clothes and some would come up and touch you. Well I'm not up with that. i do nopt care to be touched by someone I do not know! We came back to the house and MaryJo and I had some much needed girl talk. Thank you MaryJo. And then we were off to the StarLake, Ozzfest to help sell food at a booth for the Fingers. If they found volunteers to help sell food, they got a percentage of the sales. What an experience!!! First off, it was Ozzfest, there were a ton of people. And all they wanted to do was Eat! The lines NEVER went away. It was so hot and greasy but after awhile you forgot about that. We actually had a good time and I would do it again in a heartbeat. You came away feeling so good that you did this for Carter and his family. PJ and I were a great team. We got to listen to some music and see all of the crazies. An old friend spottted us back there and was probably wondering "What in the world are they doing here selling food?" In spite of how crazy it was, we will do it again, just give us a while to recuperate from this time.

Please say a pray for Carter who is in haveing chemo right now and not tolerating it very well. Also for Issac who will be going in soon to have the same high dose chemo. And remember all of the children fighting this terrible cancer and all of the other cancers and their families and please do not forget us unfortunate ones who have lost our babies. We still need your prayers. We still need strength to make it from one day to the next. It does not get easier with time. It gets harder. We miss him more than ever. I am not as acceptable about it as i was in the beggininng. I have lots of anger.

Well I have got to go and get stuff done. Tonight is my first night of work and I am nervous that I will not stay awake. I plan on going in early to stop by and see CArter.

Peace Out

Tuesday, August 24, 2004 4:22 AM CDT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAREST ALEX!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

WE HOPE THAT YOU ARE HAVING THE PARTY OF THE CENTURY UP THERE IN HEAVEN. WE HOPE THAT THEY HAVE CAKE AND ALL THE BIRTHDAY ESSENTIALS UP THERE. WE MISS YOU VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY MUCH! WE WILL WATCH GOLDMEMBER FOR YOU TODAY AND GIVE EVERYONE THE PEACE SIGN. PEACE OUT BABY!

LOVE AND MISS YOU,

MOMMY, DADDY AND NEILPIE

Sunday, August 22, 2004 6:53 PM CDT

Boy am I pooped! Yesterday we had a BIG celebration for Neil's second birthday (he was two on Friday) and Alex's fourth birthday(which would have been Tuesday). So many people showed and I want to thank each and every one of you. It was not the same without my Alex there but he was difinitely there in spirit. He wouldn't have missed that for the world. We rented a moonwalk for the kids to jump in. Definitely worth the money. Kept all of the kids busy all day and night. We had a balloon release for Alex and yelled "Happy Birthday Alex" and let them go. It was beautiful. He kept one special balloon down here. His girlfriend, kendra, did not want to let hers go and meanies that we are made her and it got stuck in the tree. I would have to say Alex was playing some games. Probably saying Let her have the damn balloon. Three of our Children's families came and i was so happy to see them. Please visit their sites Carter, Grant, and Issaac Alex's doctor showed up and his old home nurse. Thank you all for coming. It meant so much to me and PJ.

This morning I took a piece of cake with Alex's number four candle on it and put it in a ziploc and took it to the cemetary. He does need some of his birthday cake. I am not strange! I am dreading the next couple of days. I do work Monday and Tuesday(Alex's bday) Maybe work will keep my mind occupied. Please say an extra prayer for us to give us the strength to make it through this week. Last year for their birthdays, Alex and I spent it in the hospital, he had his tumor removed on the 19th. so he was there for Neil's and his. Then he went in again for PJ's birthday to get chemo and then again on my birthday which was his actual transplant day. (And on my 25th birthday I found out I was pregnant with Alex) What a day! ~Dec 17~ Anyways I have got to get some sleep and rest.

Peace Out

*Please remember Alex on Tuesday and do something fun and crazy just for him. He loved to give the peace sign(the best that he could) and say Peace Out to everyone. Do that to someone, his favorite movies were Austin Powers or Veggie Tales. Maybe watch one of them. Whatever it is make it fun! And if you would please email me and let me know what special thing you did for ALex. Thanks!

*Cookbooks. They are going fast! $12.00 each. All proceeds go to Christian Life Church to build a playground in Alex's name. Make checks out to Christian life Church and put Alex's playground in the memo. You can mail the checks to me at:

Gretchen Lonero
571 Turkeytown Road
W. Newton, PA 15089

Wednesday, August 18, 2004 8:55 PM CDT

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. We have been pretty busy. As some of you know already, the cookbooks came in and they are wonderful! So many recipes! Last Friday we went to the carnival at the church. It was so nice. They had so many games for the kids to play and so many prizes and it was all free. They did a good job. Saturday we went to our neice, Brook's first birthday party.

Monday morning I woke up sick as a dog with some sort of stomach flu. I had to miss my first day of actual work. Many family members also came down with the same thing. The blood drive was a success. Thank you all for coming and donating. We had 59 donors and 47 were able to give.

So any ways I have been busy working and trying to get everything ready for the big party on Saturday (Neil's 2nd birthday, celebration of Alex's life). So much has to be done. Luckily I am off on Friday. I am hoping for NO RAIN!!!!!!

Tonight driving home, we passed a football field and there were little kids practicing football and Neil got very excited and Alex's little voice popped into my head "Oh Mom, Look. I'm gonna play football when I get big and go to school." He would say that everytime we saw them practicing or playing there. Well hopefully there is football and school in Heaven and he is on the best team ever, God's. His team wins everytime!

The lemonade stand this past Saturday that was done by Carter's mom, Rhonda, went very well and they raised $1500.00 for pediatric cancer research. Yeah! Thanks for all that donated and helped. It means alot to all of us families fighting this monster.

Next Tuesday, the 24th is Alex's birthday. He would have been four. Please take a moment on that day and do something fun and spontanious for Alex. Give people the peace sign all day and say "Peace Out" His favorite saying. Watch an Austin Powers movie or if you are not into that watch a Veggie Tales video. Just please remember Alex.

Peace Out!

Thursday, August 12, 2004 7:24 PM CDT

Hello. things have been pretty hectic around here with me starting classes for work this week. I could never work every single day like I have been. I would hate that. Too much to do and I do not get to see my Neil. I can't wait to start three twelves. We are learning just the basic stuff, but it is pretty interesting. The others in the class are nice, i feel very old though, they are all young, going to college. it's fun to sit and listen to them talk of their "life problems". How I wish I had those problems once again. anyways, i think I will really enjoy this. It is nice to get out of the house once in awhile and I fell like I have a purpose once again. Not that Neil is nothing, but with Alex i had a purpose, I took care of him more than Neil, if you know what I mean.

I had the dreaded inevitable question the other day, "How many children do you have?" So I told them about alex and had some crying eyes in the room. Some of the things that we go over are hard for me, but I get through it. Yesterday we spoke of death and dying and I felt I was too experienced in that area. But I made it through it.

I had to go buy a stethoscope today and a thought came to me. At first I thought, Alex would think this was cool. Mommy in scrubs, name badge, stethoscope. But actually, after I thought about it, I do not think he really would like it. I can hear him telling me "That's not good, Mommy" I am his Mommy, I don't think he would have liked it too much. Not that he isn't proud of me now. He is sitting up there beaming down at me, holding my hand through all of my classes and all of the hard times. He just wouldn't have liked the garb. I miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him. I look at his picture and just can not believe he is actually gone.

Please pray for all of the children and their families who are going through this terrible thing called cancer. And please do not forget the ones who have not made it.

Peace Out!!!

*Saturday, August 14. Alex's lemonade stand. Bridgeville Shopping Center. Kmart and Giant Eagle. starts at 9am. All proceeds go to pediatric cancer research. Please come drink some lemonade!!! Visit Carter and AlexScott for more info.

*Monday, August 16. Blood drive in memory of Alex and going in Carter's name and all of the children of 8N oncology unit at Children's hospital of Pgh. 1pm-7pm. Call Cheryl renner for appointment at 724-864-0632. Please come and donate your blood. it really does save lives and these children rely on blood products.

*cookbooks. The cookbooks should be in Friday. All proceeds from the cookbooks are going to Christian Life Church in Trafford for a playground in Alex's name/memory. The cookbooks tell a small story of Alex's life and has recipes from all that loved him. If interested please make a check out to Christian Life Church for $12.00 a cookbook and put Alex's playground in the memo. Mail to me at:

Gretchen Lonero
571 Turkeytown Road
W. Newton, PA 15089

Sunday, August 8, 2004 6:36 PM CDT

I hope that everyone had a good weekend. We did some yard work and then went to the Trafford centenial festival. We saw many people there that we have not seen in years. One particular person I have not seen in about 10 years, he moved away and must have been back visiting. When we ran into each other he had a new baby girl with him and I congratulated him and then he did the same for me because of Neil. Well then, obviously he did not hear about Alex getting cancer and passing away, do i tell him or just leave it at that? Well I did tell him and of course he was shocked, who wouldn't be. I am sure that this will happen to me many times again but it was was hard this first time. I am used to everyone knowing about Alex and to tell someone that you knew in the past is hard. We ran into someone else who knew that Alex was sick but did not know that he had passed away. Welcome to your "new" life Gretchen! Other than that, we had a good time. I met a very sweet girl, Toni, that told me that she checks in on us everyday. That means so much to me to know that there are such caring people out there. I want to Thank her and all of you who still keep tuning in to "Lonero World"! Our house, phone and mail box was full of activity two months ago and now Bam, nothing. We need support from family and friends more now than we did two months ago. Two months ago we were numb, well that numbness is now wearing off. Please don't forget about us, even if we don't show it, we are still hurting very much.
Whew! Now that that is off my chest. The fireworks were great! PJ will fight you on that and is standing by the one and only Claridge fireworks. As far as he is concerned, they are THE only fireworks in the world.

Please pray for our little buddy, Carter who is on his way to New York for some testing. Let's pray that the tests come back clear. Visit his site at Carter And don't forget to pray for everyone else fighting neuroblastoma. Here are some other sites to visit
AngelAlexScott, GiGi, Kaitlyn, Kolton, Shelby, Isaac

Peace Out!

*BLood Drive, Monday, August 16 1pm -7pm at christian Life Church in Trafford. Please come and dontate your blood, these children need it. The drive is in alex's memory and going to Carter and all of the children of 8N, oncology floor of Childrens of Pgh. Call Cheryl Renner at 724-864-0632 to make an appointment. Thanks!

*Alex's lemonade stand, Saturday, august 14 at 9am in the Bridgeville shopping center by Kmart and Giant Eagle. All proceeds go to pediatric cancer research. Carter's mom, Rhonda is putting this all together. To learn more about the lemonade stand, visit AlexScott and Carter Please go buy some lemonade!

*Cookbooks $12.00 each. All proceeds go to Christian Life Church to build a playground in ALex's name. the cookbooks have 300 recipes and tell a little story of Alex in the front. If interested, please send a check made out to Christian life church and put Alex's playground in the memo and mail it to me at:

Gretchen Lonero
571 Turkeytown Road
W. Newton, Pa 15089 Thanks!

Friday, August 6, 2004 5:34 PM CDT

Not much going on. Getting ready for the new job! Went today and got a vaccine for the mumps and roebela. I did not have sufficient immunity to it. i am very excited and nervous. I will miss Neil. The first week will be long. It is every day from 8am -5pm. Whew! Will I beable to hang? After that I will work three twelve hour shifts a week. That shouldn't be so bad.
I went to a funeral service for a little girl, Lea, yesterday. She was 8 yrs old and had luekemia. She was born with a brain tumor and beat that and relapsed at age 7 with leukemia. She was in transplant at the same time Alex was. I never met them but always wanted to go introduce myself to them. They live right down the road from me. I never got to meet them. I thought about her alot after we came home from transplant and then forgot about her with all that was going on. I saw her name in the obituarys the other day and was so saddened. Another beautiful angel. Please pray for her family.
As for the weekend. There are some big festivities going on in Trafford. Tomorrow we will go watch some fireworks. Sunday there is a festival at a park close by and my mom is selling crafts there so we are off to there. Other than that nothing else.

Peace Out!

*Blood Drive - Monday August 16; 1pm -7pm at Christian Life Church in Trafford. PLEASE come donate your blood. It is desperately needed. These children depend on your blood donation to survive! It will make you feel good to know that you are saving some precious life. Call Cheryl Renner at 724-864-0632 to make an appointment.

*Cookbook Sale. $12.00 over 300 recipes. It tells Alex's story in the front. All proceeds are going to Christian Life Church to build a playground in Alex's Memory. Make checks payable to Christian Life church and put Alex's playground in the memo. email me at glonero@comcast.net for more info. Thanks.

*Alex's Lemonade Stand. Saturday, August 14 starting at 9am at the Bridgeville Shopping Center near Kmart and Giant Eagle. Please come buy some lemonade. All proceeds go to prdiatric cancer research. The stands were started by a beautiful little girl named Alex. She received her angel wings this past Monday. AlexScott Please visit her site and sign her guestbook and keep them in your prayers. For more info on the lemonade stand on August 14, visit our buddy Carter's site at Carter His mother, Rhonda (a wonderful friend and person) is the one putting it together. Please come out and show your support.

*Last but not least, please remember to pray for all of the families out there fighting neuroblastoma and all of the other monsters. And don't forget the ones who have lost their battle.

Wednesday, August 4, 2004 4:36 PM CDT

Today I did something that I have never done before. I donated my blood. I've always been a big baby when it comes to needles and myself. And I have always felt guilty for not donating. I am so happy that I did this and did not even get woosy. I am sure that Alex was holding my hand the while time. I went today to donate instead of ours that is coming up because I wanted to join the bone marrow registry and become a donor for someone who is in need of a match. They were doing this at the drive in W. Newton today.

While I was there I saw these women with shirts on that read "Amy's Army". I was curious about what there were about. One of the women approached me and asked me if I was joining the registry and if I had any questions regarding donating my marrow. I didn't have any questions, I know all too well what that is about. She was there with a mother of an eleven year old girl, Amy, who has a type of leukemia that is rare for a child her age. They can not find a match for Amy and she needs this bone marrow transplant to cure her. I sat and talked with these women, told them of Alex and I felt like I was there for a very special reason. I felt so great when I was done. I was so happy and felt like I did something so meaningful. I pray that I am a match for Amy and if not her than someone else. I hope that everyone reading this goes out and gives blood!!!! It really does save lives. Please donate and register to be a bone marrow donor also. It is very simple. All they do is take a sample of your blood to see if you are a match to anyone. If so, they then remove the marrow with a needle from the back of your pelvic bone under general or regional anesthesia. It will feel as though you had bruised yourself in your lower back. Alex had this done many times to check his bone marrow. It's not a big deal. So please, go donate!!!

Peace Out!

*Blood drive in Alex's Memory and going in Carter's name and to all of the children of 8N (oncology floor )at Childrens. Monday, August 16 from 1pm - 7pm at Christian Life Church in Trafford. Call Cheryl Renner at 724-217-3404 to make an appointment. Thanks!

*Cookbooks. $12.00. All proceeds go to Christian Life Church to build a playground in Alex's nam. Make checks out to Christian Life Church and pit Alex's Playground in memo. email me at glonero@comcast.net.

*An Alex's lemonade stand on Sat, August 14 in Bridgeville at the Kmart and Giant Eagle. Please attend. All proceeds go the pediatric cancer research. Visit www.caringbridge.org/pa/carterfinger for more info on this stand. Visit caringbridge.org/pa/alexscott for complete info on Alex's lemonade stand. Alex passed away this past Sunday after a 7 year battle with Neuroblastoma.

*Please pray for all of the children fighting Neuroblastoma.
and all of the other ones fighting other cancers. Pray for strength for the families. Carter, Isaac, Phillip, Kolton, GiGi, Elijah.

Monday, August 2, 2004 8:47 PM CDT

We have lost another sweet, brave little girl to NB. Alex Scott, the little girl who started the lemonade stands to raise money for pediatric cancer research passed away at home yesterday with her family. Please pray for the family and visit her site at caringbridge.org/pa/alexscott.

We had another very busy weekend. Saturday we had a family reunion to go to. It rained but it was still a nice time. After that we had Zachary's 5th birthday party to go to. Today is actually his birthday so HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZACHARY!!!! The party was a good time, Neil had lots of fun like usual. Running, running running. Sunday we went to church, came home and went to a benefit for Kolton, a little boy who was diagnosed in May with Stage 4 NB. They are living in Allentown but are originally from this area. We had a wonderful time, they had lots to do and eat. Neil was running again. The family is very lucky, they have lots of support and it showed yesterday. Please pray for them and visit his site at caringbridge.org/pa/koltonappleby.

As for this week, I am trying to gt everything done before I start my job on Monday. I am very nervous but excited. Today Neil and I went to Janets for some haircuts. Thank you Janet.
We miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss Alex. Alex loved sprinkles on his ice cream and I always meant to buy them for him and always forgot. The other day in the store, I spotted sprinkles and got excited. Finally i can buy them! Then it hit me....Lots of those little things that just spring up and get you when you are least expecting. When you are younger and dating and breaking up, you think you know what a broken heart feels like. You don't. When someone who means the world and more to you passes away; then you know what a broken heart is...

Please say a Happy Birthday to a little boy, Justin who passed away last October. Today he would have been 3 years old. Happy Birthday Justin!

Peace Out!

*Blood Drive - Monday, August 16 at Christian Life Church in Trafford. 1pm - 7pm. It will be in Memory of Alex and will go in Carter's name and all of the children of 8N Oncology floor at Children's Hospital. Please donate, these children depend on your blood donation. It could save their lives! Call Cheryl Renner at 724-864-0632 to make an appointment. Thanks!

*Cookbooks. $12.00 each. They should be in soon, we are hoping. The proceeds from the cookbooks will go to Christian Life church to build a playground in Alex's name. If you are interested please email me at glonero@comcast.net or call Cheryl at 724-864-0632. Make checks payable to Christian Life church and put Alex's playground in the memo.

*Please pray for all of the children fighting NB and all of the other children fighting other cancers. And please don't forget those who have lost their battle. We still need your prayers. Plese visit the following sites and leave a message:
www.caringbridge.org/pa/carterfinger
www.caringbridge.org/oh/bubba
www.caringbridge.org/ga/shelbyprescott
www.caringbridge.org/pa/alexscott

Friday, July 30, 2004 8:22 AM CDT

We have been trying to keep ourselves busy. Last weekend we had a good time at the Stenesics picnic. Neil ran and ran and ran. He was stuck to my leg until his buddy, Zach came and then it was goodbye Mommy. He did say Zach's name. Won't say much else but says Zach. What a stinker! Sunday we went to the church picnic and Neil once again ran and ran and ran. PJ won the "Christian" version of the wet t-shirt contest. We were given folded Hanes t-shirts frozen inside of a ziplock bag and had to thaw them without tearing the shirt and be the first to put it on. PJ was done and had it on, while everyone else's was still frozen solid. That's the Marine in him!

Monday and Tuesday we were all a little depressed. The rainy weather does not help and we were missing Alex terribly. Neil had his picture taken for his birthday on Monday. He has never been cooperative for his pics, even as a 3 month old. Did not want to stay still. We got what we could. We included in the picture a framed picture of Alex and Alex's favorite Scooby Doo hat. It is Alex's birthday also!

We have been staying busy getting the yard ready for the big birthday/celebration of Alex's life/thank you party. I start schooling for work on Aug 9, so I want everything ready before then. My back is killing me from pulling weeds and picking up black walnuts from the yard.

I was talking with Rhonda, Carter's mom yesterday and was telling her how I miss that chemo peed up diaper smell. I hated it at the time, but would give anything to smell it again, she joked she would save me one of Carter's. And then the other day I was standing in the kitchen and swear I smelled throw up. I think throw up will always remind me of Alex, what a terrible thing to remind you of your son. He threw up all the time from the chemo. Rhonda said I would be good at a nursing job. I'll be the first to go running to clean up throw up from a patients room. Especially if it is the curdeled (sp?) milk kind. Then I brought down a samll suitcase to store my scrapbooking materials in and the smell of that reminded me of Alex. We bought the suitcases to use for NY and then Disney. Smells can really take you back.

As for this weekend we are busy. Tonight we are taking my Dad out to eat for his birthday. Tomorrow we have a family reunion and then off to the Cynkars for Zach's birthday and then Sunday we are going to the benefit for Kolton Appleby. He is another NB warrior who was just diagnosed in May. They are originally from the area but are living in the Pilly area. They are having a benefit/carnival at the Norwin Elks on Sunday from 2 -8 pm. $10.00 a ticket, children 12 and under are free. They will have food, music, games, chinese auction, beer, drinks. It sounds like a fun time. The Norwin Elks is located on Sandy Hill Road between Harrison City and Manor. If you can, attend.

As Alex always said,

Peace Out

*Blood Drive in Alex's Memory and the blood is going in Carter's name and to the children of 8N oncology unit at Children's Hospital will be held, Monday, August 16 from 1pm - 7pm. Please come and dontate your blood, so many of these children rely on blood products to make them better and most of them get ALOT of transfusions. So please take a half an hour out of your day and come give blood. Call Cheryl at 724-864-0632 to make an appointment. Thanks!

*Cookbook. The cookbooks are not yet in but we are still taking your orders to assure that you get one. The proceeds from the cookbook will go to build a playground in Alex's name at Christian Life church. The cookbooks are $12.00 each and you can make the check out to Christian Life Church and put Alex's playground in the memo. Email me at glonero@comcast.net or call 724-217-3404. Thanks!

*Also there will be an Alex's lemonade stand on August 14 at the Bridgeville KMart and Giant Eagle. All proceeds from this will benefit pediatric cancer research. For more info visit Carter's site at www.caringbridge.org/pa/carter and the girl \who started all of this www.caringbridge.org/page/alexscott/. She has been fighting this for over 7 years and has appeared on many talk shows. She is not doing so well right now, please pray for her and her family.

*Also pray for another little girl, Shelby. They were just told that she has only 4-6 weeks. She is a sweetheart. Visit her at www.caringbridge.org/ga/shelbyprescott

Friday, July 23, 2004 5:45 PM CDT

Somewhere in the troubled night,
When you fight the lonely fight,
Will you but remember then,
I am at your side again.
As I was in other days,
When we traveled better ways.
True, I cannot touch your hand,
But I know you understand.
Love is not a thing of place,
Only standing face to face.
Love is, too, a thing of heart.
And though we're dwelling far apart,
There is never far from here.
Here is never far from there,
To the ones who really care.
So, if you loved me, do not grieve,
Those who love, also believe.
If you need me, do but call.
I am with you, after all.

I got this poem out of a wonderful book I just read called "Into the Valley and Out Again" by Richard Edler. He also had some thoughts on what some people have said to him and other bereaved parents. Here are some of them:

"You are so lucky he didn't suffer." Or the reverse, so often said in the case of an extended illness: "You are so lucky you had a chance to say good-bye." Neither is lucky.

"I know how you feel. I recently lost my grandmother." Sorry, but your loss is part of the natural order of things, while mine is not. We are supposed to go before our children. They are supposed to bury us.

"If there is anything I can do, please don't hesitate to call." You will never be called. We don't have the strength. Instead just look around and find something to do. Don't send a sympathy card; send yourself. Parents won't remember what was said, but they will never forget your face and that you came. Being there is what counts.

"At least you have another child." Or for younger couples"At least you can still have more children." One child can never replace the other.

"It's God's will." Or "God must have needed him in heaven." So do we. We need him here. God did not "will" this. He may have allowed it to happen, but he didn't will it.

"You are so strong. God only sends these things to people who can handle them." God, please make me weaker and give me my child back.

"He's in a better place." Maybe, but I want him here. What could be better than being with his Mom, Dad, and brother? Heaven can wait.

Instead of trying to find something good or positive to say, just simply say "I'm sorry."

There is no silver lining in the death of a child. Don't try to find one.

*Please remember the blood drive, Monday, August 16 at Christian Life Church from 1pm -7pm Please come donate your blood. call Cheryl to make an appointment. It will go in Alex's Memory and in Carter's name. Thanks.

*Also, my wonderful friend Janet started to make a cookbook a couple of months back. When we heard that Alex would not make it, I told her she could stop. But she insisted on doing it still, saying we would still need the money to get back on our feet. We are going to take the money from the cookbooks and give it to Christian Life Church to build a small playground in the courtyard and call it "Little Alex's Playground" The church has done so much for us and never forgot about Little Alex. Mentioned his name every Sunday. The cookbooks have lots of yummy recipes and tells Alex's story in the beginning. They are $12.00 each. If you are interested, please email me at glonero@comcast.net or call my Mom, Cheryl at 724-864-0632.

Love, Mom

Thursday, July 22, 2004 10:26 AM CDT

We had a wonderful day yesterday but today I can't get the tears to stop? My Mom went away for the night, so Neil and I stayed there to take care of Hanna(the dog). We invited some friends over for some swimming and eating. Which we did alot of both; swim, eat, swim, eat, eat, eat... Darla came with Zach, Emily and Natalie and Julie came with Katlyn and John. They all had so much fun. I love being around Zach. He reminds me so much of Alex. We were all in the pool at once, kids splashing around, later on Darla said she was wondering if Alex was there, looking around for a sign. Of course he was, he wouldn't have missed that much fun for anything. He is always with me.

So anyways, don't know why I'm so sad today. PJ is also feeling down today and missing little man. Perhaps we need to do something fun again today. Thank you all for checking in us still. God Bless you all.

Don't forget the blood drive in Alex's memory and going in Carter and all of 8N (oncology unit at Children's) name.
Monday, August 16 1pm -7pm. call my Mom Cheryl to make an appointment. Thanks!

Love, Mom

Tuesday, July 20, 2004 8:54 PM CDT

We had a pretty good day today. I took Neil to Darla's to watch him while I went and got my second TB test in Oakland. While parking, I caught a glimpse of a shiny little bald head and of course I am drawn to it. It was little Isaac from Ohio. He was going in for chemo. We met him last summer in the radiology dept. Both Alex and him were getting MIBGs that day. He was in remission but was complaining of leg pain so they were doing the tests. He also has NB. We have kept in touch with them. He was my hope for Alex. He seemed to have had it worse than Alex and went into remission. Then in February, we walked into the playroom waiting room at the radition dept for Alex's radiation and there they were. My heart sank. He had relapsed. I was sad for days. He is such a little cutie. Please say a pray for him and his family.

I hung out at Darla's for awhile so the kids could play some more. I grabbed a hold of Zach's hand and it felt so good. Just like holding Alex's hand. Same little size.

Tonight Neil and I went over to a friend's house, Heidi's and she showed me how to scrapbook. I have never done it and want to do one for each year of Alex's life. I am very excited. We had a good time. An old friend from childhood days was there also, Marcia. Thanks (another thanks) to both of you for a wonderful time and all of your help.

That is it for now. Remember the blood drive Monday, August 16 at Christian Life Church in Trafford. 1:00 - 7:00pm. Call Cheryl Renner to make an appointment. Give blood, there are lots out there who need it badly. Thanks!Thanks! Thanks! Thanks! Thanks! Thanks!

PS How do you like my little picture video? I am getting pretty good at this computer stuff. I can't take all the credit, my Dad did help some...

Love, MOM

Monday, July 19, 2004 4:31 PM CDT

We had a pretty nice weekend. Friday my wonderful friend, Alicia came up for the weekend and we went out friday night for dinner and a few nightcaps. We had a nice time. It's always nice to see her. Saturday we did nothing. Rented some movies and that was it. Sunday we went over to my Dad's place for a yummy dinner. Thanks Dad and Joyce.

Anyways that is all for now. Please remember to pray for everyone dealing with this terrible monster, the ones who we have lost and their families. Remember to hug and kiss and tell your children that you love them everyday. Spoil them and let them be children!

Please remember the blood drive on Monday, August 16 at Christian Life Church in Trafford. 1:00pm - 7:00pm. It is in Memory of Alex. The blood will go in Carter's and all the children of 8N at Children's Hosp of PGH. Please donate your blood, these children with cancer sometimes need so many transfusions. I lost track of how many Alex had at around 20 some. So please give my mom, Cheryl Renner a call to schedule a time. Her number is 724-864-0632. Thank you!!
Love, MOM

Friday, July 16, 2004 7:43 AM CDT

Yesterday was an interesting day. I got a call that a had won tickets to the Improv down at the Waterfront in Homestead to see a comedian, Christopher Titus. He is a very funny man. He used to have his own show on Fox a couple of years ago and PJ and I watched it all the time. I won four tickets and we took our friends Jim and Darla, they are always in need of a night out. They have a soon to be 5 yr old boy, Zach(Alex's best friend) and twin two year old girls, Emily and Natalie. Not that they need a break from them, just a night out. We had a really great time, it was the first time for PJ and I at the Waterfront and that place is something.

Before going there I was sitting at home being very sad and missing my little man alot. I kept listening to the same song, Beautiful Boy, Darling Boy~by John Lennon. This is the song that we had playing at the last viewing at the church, while a picture slide of Alex's pictures ran over and over again. So there I was crying and feeling very sad. My phone rings and it is a Virginia #. I have two Aunts who live there so I figured it was one of them. I answer and I hear"This is John Baughman, your Aunt Rita's husband" I have only spoken with this man maybe a few times at my wedding reception and at the funeral and I think that is it. So this is strange call. at first I think something must have happened to my Aunt, why else would he be calling me? He tells me that they pray for us every day and said that he was driving down the road and had gotten a "Word" from God for me and that is why he was calling. The word was that Alex was OK and sitting at the feet of Jesus. He said some more things but at that point I was dumbstruck. Here was God and my Alex sending a sign once again to me when I was feeling the saddest. I cried some more, but they were happy tears. And I felt so peaceful the rest of the day. Like they say, God works in mysterious ways. Thank you Jesus and Alex!!!!! And thank you John for that call.

Please pray for Michaela's family who are going through the toughest few days of their lives. www.caringbridge.org/pa/michaelaann. Pray for Carter, Isaac, Gigi, Phillip All of the children fighting this monster, their families and the families that have lost their loved ones.

There will be a blood drive , Mon, aug 16 at christian Life Church. It is in Memory of Alex and the blood is going in Carter's name and all of the children on the 8N unit of Chidren's Hospital. Please go and donate some blood, some of these children need blood products often and without your donation they would not have any and then what? My mother is making the appointments, please call her at (724) 864-0632 Cheryl Renner. THANK YOU!!!
One last prayer request, the Zeravica family, they are looking at tough days ahead of them. Pray to give them strength. Thanks.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004 8:14 PM CDT

ALEX ALEX ALEX ALEX ALEX ALEX ALEX ALEX ALEX ALEX ALEX ALEX
ALEXANDER ALEXANDER ALEXANDER ALEXANDER ALEXANDER ALEXANDER
ALEXANDER PAUL ALEXANDER PAUL ALEXANDER PAUL ALEXANDER PAUL
ALEX ALEX ALEX ALEX ALEX ALEX ALEX ALEX ALEX ALEX ALEX ALEX
ALEXANDER ALEXANDER ALEXANDER ALEXANDER ALEXANDER ALEXANDER
ALEXANDER PAUL ALEXANDER PAUL ALEXANDER PAUL ALEXANDER PAUL
MISS YOU MISS YOU MISS YOU MISS YOU MISS YOU MISS YOU MISS U
MISS YOU MISS YOU MISS YOU MISS YOU MISS YOU MISS YOU MISS U
MISS YOU MISS YOU MISS YOU MISS YOU MISS YOU MISS YOU MISS U

That's it. I'm sure that says it all.

We have lost another sweet little girl to Neuroblastoma, Michaela went to be with the angels early this morning. Please pray for her family. www.caringbridge.org/pa/michaelaann visit and sign her guestbook.

Sunday, July 11, 2004 9:17 AM CDT

Another Neuroblastoma warrior, Michaela, is not doing so well right now. They don't expect her to be here on earth very much longer. Please pray for her and her entire family and visit her site and sign her guestbook. www.caringbridge.org/pa/michaelaann/

Please pray for Zoie's family. She received her angel wings yesterday morning. Her website is www.caringbridge.org/la/zoie/ Please visit and sign the guestbook with a word of encouragment. Myself knowing that it means alot to hear from others.

Today we have our nephew EJ's birthday, he is 9. Makes me feel old. Everything now a days is making me older than I really am. Neil and I went over to my friend Brooke's yesterday for some swimming. Had a good time. PJ went with Erik and EJ canoeing. they also had a good time.
My mom asked me when I am going to take Alex's carseat out of the truck, my response"If I take it out, where will he sit?" I know he is still with us wherever we go and he needs his sit, right? My family will be committing me soon. I still have all of his medicines, everything that had to do with his line care. Just can not get rid of it yet.

Please pray for all the children with cancer and their families. Don;t forget the ones who have lost their battle, they still need your prays.

Love, MOM

Friday, July 9, 2004 5:20 PM CDT

Today I went down for my preemployment physical. i should be starting August 9. While I was down there I stopped over at Children's to see Carter who was there to see the dentist. It felt good to walk into Children's, all of the smells made me feel right at home. I also saw one of Alex's favorite cleaning girls, Danelle. One night while we were in there, they gave Alex his adavant before his chemo and Alex was having a good ol' time, all loopy. Danelle was in his room cleaning and he made up a little song for her called "Cleaning Girl". Those were the only words to the song, over and over again. The cleaning girls just loved Alex. They loved his little attitude when he would tell them to get out of his room. And he loved them, he just liked everyone to think he was a tough guy.

Well that's it for today, I hope everyone has a nice weekend. Please remember to pray for Carter, Isaac, Phillip, Gigi, for the families who have lost their babies and especially for Zoie and Michaelann www.caringbridge.org/pa/michaelaann/
www.caringbridge.org/la/zoie/

Love, Mom

Monday, July 5, 2004 8:17 PM CDT

I hope that everyone had a good 4th of July. Mine was not so terrible. PJ went up to his brother Kurt's camp for the weekend. I did not want to go. I felt that I have had enough of driving far distances and packing for a life time and wanted to just hang out and relax. So I spent the weekend with my great friends, Janet and Chad. (Kendra's parents) we went to a party on Saturday and saw some fireworks there and then yesterday I went to their house for dinner and then we went and saw some more fireworks. I really had a nice time. Thank you guys for putting up with Neil and I all weekend. We had a good time.
Tomorrow it will be one month since Alex passed away. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and other times it seems like so long ago. I'm really missing him alot today. Went grocery shopping today and had a hard time there. The past year everything that I bought was for Alex. Even though the rest of us were here, I bought stuff that I thought Alex would like, anything to get him to eat. and now when I go, it's almost like I don't know what to buy.
Well enough for now, time to go to bed. Good night!

Love, MOM

Friday, July 2, 2004 3:15 PM CDT

Sorry that I haven't updated sooner. My monitor on my computer died on me. So until I get a new one, I have to update when I come to my Mom's house. I had my second interview on Wed. and It went so so. But luckily she doesn't really make the decision, the woman who first intervied me does and that one went very well. This morning they called to set up an appointment for my preemployment physical, sounds like I got the job. I go next Friday for that.

I finally got to plant flowers and decorate Alex's grave and I must say that it is the best! I put a little fence around it, windchimes, little solar lanterns on shepherd hooks on each side, a little book with a very nice saying, a little angel and today we bought two little bugs to hang on the fence. PJ keeps joking that next I will be pitching a tent and camping out there. Watch out, you never know.

Today we went to Twin Lakes for the Arts and Craft Heritage something or other. It was a nice day, Janet and Kendra went with us. We ate alot and bought alot. I bought a shelf to put alex's handprints and footprint on. It should look very cute. They are the handprints that we made when Dr. Egler came that day to visit, she brought them to the funeral and they are wonderful to have. Little plaster hearts with his 3-D hands and foot in the middle of them. so glad that we have them.

Please remember to pray for Carter, Isaac, GiGi, Phillip, and all the other children and their families to give them strength. Please pray for little Paige's family. Another Neuroblastoma warrior who recieved her angel wings yesterday.

Love, MOM

Monday, June 28, 2004 8:28 PM CDT

I am feeling much more relaxed now that I am home. While we were gone, they put Alex's headstone up. It is beautiful. It has all of the Winnie the pooh characters on it. Now I have to plant some flowers and add some finishing touches to it. My truck is out of commision for a few days. It turned out that it wasn't the battery and it must be the alternator. Always something! I spent a nice day with my friend Janet and her daughter Kendra who was Alex's girlfriend. she cut our hair and took Neil and I shopping. Thanks Janet and Kendra. Now we have our nephew EJ staying a few days with us. Something to keep my mind busy. Wednesday morning I have another interview with the human resource dept of Presby. Keep your fingers crossed and say some prayers.

While we were down at the beach some things occured that I wasn't sure I wanted to share with anyone but think that I will. Thursday afternoon, PJ, Neil and I were sitting out on the back porch at a picnic table, Neil was running around like a mad man like usual. I was feeling sad. Neil came over and got very excited and started to touch the air in front of me, like he was touching something....Pj and I looked at each other like What in the world?! Neil ran around again, came back over to me and did the same thing, very excited, laughing and smiling and touching the air in front of me, and then he leaned in and kissed the air and went off running around again. Think of it what you may, but I believe my little man was sitting right there on my lap and my Neil could see him. Do you think I am nuts yet? Saturday morning PJ got up bright and early to go find seashells, I came out in the living room right after he left, 5:30am, sat on the couch and looked at Alex's picture on the coffee table and started to tell him how much I missed him and blah blah boo hoo and started to cry. The lights behind me got very bright and then very dim and then back to normal. Sat there for a minute and they did the same thing one more time....I truly believe that my little man was trying to tell me to snap out of it, be happy, I'm OK. It made me feel very good. My baby Alex is really with me at all times and proved it to me. Thank you Alex. Thank you Jesus for letting him do that for me. NOW everyone is thinking I am a loone and should seek some professional help. Oh well, let me believe, if it makes me feel better than so what!

Please pray for Carter, Isaac, Gabriella, Phillip and on and on, for all the children with cancer and their families. And please don't forget us who have lost our precious babies, we still need your prayers. Thank you for checkingin and please sign the guestbook.

Goodnight
Love,
MOM

Saturday, June 26, 2004 10:56 PM CDT

Hooray! We are home! First of all, Cape May was beautiful. i am glad that I got to experience it. It proved to be a rather very hard vacation for me. It started on the trip down. I started to become very sad and was missing Alex something terrible. Tuesday night, Neil came down with a fever. Woke up Wed very cranky and still fever, was sure that it was an ear infection (the only time Neil has had a fever was when he had one). So we took him to the nearby ER only to be told he probably just had something viral, take him home and give him tylenol and motrin.(Boy, if that didn't sound familiar!) So we went back to the house and stayed in all day while Neil slept it off. He woke up fine Thursday. Staying in the house all day Wed and watching Neil sleep on the couch is what really started to make me crazy. (another all too familiar). All I wanted to do was come home to Alex's toys, pictures, smells. I missed him so badly while we were there. I am the happiest I have been all week right now sitting here with Alex's pictures looking back at me, his toys surrounding me and the smell of him in the air. So needless to say my vacation SUCKED 70was ok 30 Sorry PJ and Neil.
On our way back home, we stopped at an old family friend of PJ's family. Their fathers were in the coastguard together, they both had 6 children. We got in touch with them when we had gone to Ocean City right before Hell broke loose. They are the nicest people you could ever meet. I have been keeping in touch with the one daughter, Debbie. So we stopped there for a wonderfully delicious late lunch/dinner. Thank you all for your great hospitality! We hope to see you again soon.
Well I am going to go for now and bask in the glory of being home sweet home.

Love, MOM

Friday, June 18, 2004 8:32 PM CDT

We've been keeping ourselves pretty busy the past couple of days. We are leaving for Cape May tomorrow. We need to get away to some peace and quiet and relaxation. Sort through our overload of crazy emotions and just think about and remember our Alex. We miss him more and more each day. We miss his voice, his smell, holding him, everything. But what gets me through the sadness is remembering that he has eternal happiness, he is just as happy as could be where he is. No sadness, no anger, only happy feelings. Remembering that helps me alot.

Months ago I started kicking the idea of becoming a nurse around, going back to school. I feel that I have become so familiar with the whole profession and it always interested me. Like I've said before, the doctors and nurses and PCTs did so much for us that I feel I want to give back and do the same for someone else. Well, Tuesday my friend Darla, who is a nurse at Presby in the MICU, called to say that a secretary position was opened in the unit. So I had an interview this afternoon and all went well, I think that there is a good chance that I got the job. But she actualy offered a nurse's assistant job instead of the secretary job. I should know in about a week if I got it. I am very excited. I need something to keep my mind occupied. While I was there, I dropped by Children's 8 North. It was hard but it was something I felt that I had to do. Saw many of our favorite nurses and pcts. I dropped some toys off for the playroom. I saw Isaac and his mom who is in for an infection in his port. It was nice to see them. Though how wierd it was, I kept thinking to myself that I wish that was me and Alex there with the infection in his port. Like I said earlier, crazy thoughts and emotions.

Well I've got to go get some sleep before our long journey early in the am. Please remember to pray for everyone who needs a prayer!

Love,

Mom

Sunday, June 13, 2004 9:08 PM CDT

We have had a pretty good weekend. We have been keeping ourselves very busy. Friday night we went to PJ's brother Rick's house for dinner. Yesterday we ran some errands, stopped at the cemetery. I didn't get sad there, I feel that Alex is not there, he is in my heart and with me at all times and I do not need to go there to feel close to him or talk to him. Neil was a maniac there and trying to stomp on flowers, running rampage through the cemetery. How could you be sad when he is doing that?! Last night we had friends over for dinner. And today we went to church this morning, they showed the movie clip of Alex's pictures from the funeral. that was very nice. Thank you Pastor Gary, you have done so much for us. Then we visited our wonderful friends the Cynkars, who were away this past week and missed the funeral for Alex. They are the ones with Alex's best friend, Zachary. When we pulled up in the driveway, Zach came up and said "I'm so sorry that Alex had to die." Then later"Even though Alex is not here, he is right here in my heart." As the 2 yr old twin girls, Emily and Natalie stood there and agreed with him. They gave us an angel holding unto a little child's hands. Zach said this is Alex's angel helping him to walk, because he can walk now that he is in Heaven with Jess (his dog). What a sweetheart. We love you guys!!!

AND THEN, we went to have dinner at Carter's house. We had a really good time. Neil was having a blast with them and loving Mariah like the last time. We went swimming and ate some really good food. Thanks guys. We had a great time and you guys are the best.

We are missing Alex alot this weekend. On the way to Carter's we were on the parkway and it really made me sad because every time we went that way we were going to the hospital. I wanted to just get off the Oakland exit, go to the hospital and find Alex. I felt that if I went back to my safe haven, everything would be alright and we would find Alex there. I have many memories of him there, some good, some bad, but I still long to be there, not here without Alex.

Please pray for Carter, Isaac, Phillip and all the children with cancer, pray for their families and remember to still pray for the families who have lost their children. We need all the strength we can get.
Goodnight Alex, we love you and miss you.

Carter's Spaghetti dinner is this Friday, June 18, 2004 at 6:30 pm at 601 Washington Avenue, CArnegie. Bake sale and chinese auction.
Advance tickets $6 adult $3 under 12
at the door $10 adults $5 under 12
(412)279-2952 for tickets or directions.
Please try to go!!!!

Friday, June 11, 2004 9:40 AM CDT

The past couple of days have been a whirlwind of emotions. I miss Alex terribly and think about him constantly but I am not as sad as I thought I would be or what people are expecting me to be. At first PJ and I thought something was wrong with us, everyone else around us was crying all the time and we weren't. We have come to the conclusion that we have more relief than anything. We were there through all the tests, booboos, pains, sickness everything, we saw it all. There were many times Alex was just not happy. To see your child like that is heartbreaking. He looked so at peace when he passed that I couldn't feel sad. You could almost say that I was happy for him. I started to prepare myself the day after Thanksgiving last year, when Dr. Egler called and said that the cancer was still there and maybe we should do our Wish trip as soon as possible. That call I knew but wouldn't admit it to myself or anyone that Alex was not meant to be here on earth and that God was going to take my baby one day.

So please, if you talk to us or see us and we seem happy. Please don't think that we are bad parents and that we don't love and miss our baby. Because we do more than anything. We are happy that he is no longer sick and in pain. We are just very thankful we have so many wonderful memories of him and were picked to be his parents.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for us. A big thank you to all of the doctors, nurses, all of the hospital personnel. Whithout them, we wouldn't have had these past 14 months with our baby. They made every visit to the hospital as comfortable as could be for us. You all did a wonderful job and I will never forget any of you. thank you. And a very, very big thank you to God for giving Alex to us, choosing PJ and I as his parents, and letting us love him. THANK YOU JESUS!

Love, MOM and DAD

Wednesday, June 9, 2004 7:15 PM CDT

Dear Lord, thank you for reaching out with your hands to catch us when we fall, to hold us safely in your care, and to keep us from harm. Thank you for reminding us that death is not the end~it is the beginning of new life with you.

Today we layed our precious baby boy to rest. The past couple of days have been such a whirlwind of emotions. There was so much going on with the funeral home and funeral you don't have time to really let it sink in. Tonight it is hitting me. I have nothing to get ready for, no doctor appointments, no medicine to give, no Alex~ Everyday when I got dressed to go to the funeral I would hear the sweet words of Alex evertime he saw me get dressed up, "OH MOM, that's beautiful!" He was my very best friend. There will not be a second that goes by that I will not miss him. I have learned alot through our "journey through hell" (what I am now referring to our past 14 months). Don't take anything for granted, don't yell at your children just because YOU are having a bad day, messes will be there tomorrow, if Neil wants to eat cookies in the living room, he can and he can smash them into the carpet if he wants, it's no big deal, find time to read a book to your child, no matter how busy you are. I can go on and on, I am sure that you get the point. Love your children and everyone dear to you like there is no tomorrow. Let them know often that you love them.

I want to take a minute and thank everyone who has been there for us these past 14 months. The amount of people who showed up at the funeral was amazing. Pastor Gary said that Alex's was the biggest funeral he has ever done. Thank you all for you support. Big thanks to John and Tom Dobrinick, Pastor Gary, anyone who sent food, those who served the food, those who cleaned up, those who sent flowers(my house is overflowing, i couldn't bear to get rid of any)Our family, our friends, those who traveled far, to the wonderful person who made the picture show of Alex's pictures, it was beautiful. I am sure I am forgetting someone and I am sorry, my mind is not so clear right now.

I am sorry if I am rambling, remember my mind is not all together right now. Please keep checking in on us, for I will still be updating the journal. Bye for now.

Love,MOM

Sunday, June 6, 2004 2:28 AM CDT

the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.-Job 1:21

It is with the most saddest heart that I write this. Alexander Paul received his angel wings sometime in his sleep last night. He is in such a better place. No more needles, booboos, medicine, chemos, pain. He is playing and running and laughing with all of the other angel babies. He is the lucky one. We will miss you terribly until that day that we meet again.

When someone we love dies, God hides a smile in every memory and hope in every tear.

There will be a viewing Monday, June 7 at John Dobrinick Funeral Home at 602 7th Street, Trafford. 7pm - 9pm
Tuesday, June 8, 2pm- 4pm and 7pm-9pm
Wednesday, June 9 there will be a viewing at Christian Life Church at 900 7th Street, Trafford from 9am - 11am; Service at 11am.
Flowers and balloons are welcome.

Love, MOM and DAD

Saturday, June 5, 2004 1:21 PM CDT

O that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. ---Psalm 55:6

Alex is starting to slowly leave us. Last night he went into a coma. It is so very hard to just sit there and watch him lay there motionless. I feel like I've been hit with ton of bricks. I've always heard people say things like"I couldn't even brush my teeth." I can now relate to them. It took all my strength to do that and shower. It was so hard for me to get up off the bed with Alex this morning. I just wanted to stay there forever, with him right beside me. A good friend just said to me last night that I am a "pillar of strength". I thought this morning that that pillar is crumbling.

What a crappie day.

Love, MOM

Friday, June 4, 2004 6:21 PM CDT

Another uneventful day. since we increased his dose of fetanyl last night he has been doing nothing but sleeping. Dr. Egler asked if we were comfortable with that. Is it better to have him in pain and yelling at everyone all day or sleeping all day? Either way it sucks.

I was giving Neil a bath tonight and realized how much I have missed out on him this whole past year. I was always tending to Alex. At the hospital, the doctor's. I never had that one on one time with Neil. Which I guess happens anyways to families with multiple children but it was even worse for us. Then I was thinking "What in the world am I going to do with myself? Everything that I have done over the past year was for Alex. I haven't had a "normal" life in so long I have forgotten what "normal" people do. Just some of my crazy thoughts I have been having lately.

Please remember to pray for Carter. We need his tests to come back OK!!!! Also say a prayer for his sister who had her tonsils out this morning. We hope that you're feeling alright, Mariah.

Spaghetti dinner for Carter****

St. John Lutheran Church at 601 Washington Avenue in Carnegie on Friday, June 18 at 6:30 pm

Advance tickets $6 adult, $3 under 12
At the door $10 adult, $5 under 12
(412)279-2952 for tickets or directions.
They are also having a bake sale and chinese auction.

Thursday, June 3, 2004 6:50 PM CDT

Today was rather uneventful. Alex slept all day. When he did wake up he wanted to eat. He has eaten more today than he has in the last week. He started off with a yogurt, which he insists on feeding to himself and he is half asleep, half awake and gets it everywhere. Then throughout the day he ate 3 poptarts. Dr. Egler called tonight and we increased his fetanyl some more because he does seem to be in pain.

Erika, his nurse, was off today so a different nurse came. His name is also Alex and we met him when we first came home from the hospital. He is very nice. He said that he was expecting the worst when he came in and Alex did not look as bad as he thought he would. He seems to think we have some more time with him than we thought yesterday.

I try to tell Alex about Jesus and Heaven. He just tells me to be quiet and that I am suck. (I don't suck; I AM suck. He really doesn't know what he's saying). Which he has taken to calling everyone that. I was talking with my great friend Alicia today, who was just here on Saturday and she also was suck, and she was telling me that she sees Jesus putting his hand out to Alex to go with him and Alex screaming "You are suck!" I'm sure Jesus has heard worse than that. That gave us all a little chuckle for the day. And then after he says that he will put him in jail. Another phrase that he used frequently in the hospital and we joked about back then. That he would put God in jail when he got to heaven. What a character!

Please say an extra prayer for Carter who is having some tests and scans done this week. Pray that these last chemos have done their job and the cancer has decreased. We need some good news.

Spaghetti dinner for Carter*****
St. John Lutheran Church at 601 Washington Avenue in Carnegie on Friday, June 18 at 6:30 pm.

Advance tickets $6 adult, $3 under 12
At the door $10 adult, $5 under 12
(412)279-2952 for tickets and directions

Thursday, June 3, 2004 8:29 AM CDT

We have been having some rather very bad days lately. The past couple of nights PJ and I have gone to bed not knowing if Alex would be with us when we awoke. He sleeps all day and when he is awake, he is not our little Alex we once knew. He is very mean to everyone and it pissed me off so much that our last memories of him are of him like this. I hate it! He still says he is in pain. His legs lhurt him, his shoulder a a foot. We can't hold him, it hurts too much. Erika, his nurse, told us yesterday that she doesn't think he will make it to the weekend.

We allowed grandparents to come over yesterday for a little while. MamMaw took Neil back home with her for the night. He was already pissed at me when she brought him last night. He's probably thinking "Not this again!" PJ will go get him in alittle bit and fring him home before he really gets mad.

Please pray for all the children fighting NB and all the other terrible cancers and please don't forget to pray for all the children who have lost their battle and their parents and families. They still need your prayers!!!!

Please don't forget about our buddy Carter*********
Spaghetti dinner at the St. John Lutheran Church at 601 Washington Avenue in Carnegie on Friday, June 18, 2004 at 6:30pm
Advance tickets $6 adult, $3 under 12
At the door $10 adult, $5 under 12
Call (412)279-2952 for tickets or directions.

Wednesday, June 2, 2004 6:15 AM CDT

We have been having some pretty bad days. When I thought that I had increased his meds again on Monday, we had doubled it and I did it while on the phone with Dr. Egler. He still was in so much pain all that night and he would ask me all night to hit the button. Well when Erika, the nurse, came yesterday it turned out that I did not hit the set button when I changed it and it was still the same dose. she changed it and he fell right to sleep. Dr. Egler called later in the day and we decreased it down some to see if he would wake up some. He slept the rest of the night. He awoke bright and early this morning;5:45, and wanted to come downstairs. So we are all up now and Alex is fast asleep.

We haven't had any visitors since Saturday, we are trying not to get Alex agitated. Neil is going to MamMaw's today for the day to get him out of Alex's hair. Neil really seems to agitate Alex. All day long he yells at him. We feel so bad for Neil. Poor baby has just started recently to take on a blanket and stuffed animal. Something for security. His blanket is actually a snowman pillowcase. What a strange child. He is such a character, just like his cousin coltan. We decided that Aunt Sally watched him too much and Coltan taught him to be crazy! Keep practicing those arm farts Coltan.

Love, MOM

Spaghetti dinner for our Buddy Carter

St. John Lutheran Cuhurch at 601 Washington Avenue, Carnegie on Friday, June 18 at 6:30 pm
Advance tickets $6 adult, $3 under 12
At the door $10 adult, $5 under 12
Call (412) 279-2952 for tickets or directions.

Monday, May 31, 2004 7:34 AM CDT

Yesterday Alex was still pretty cranky so when Dr. Egler called to see how he was doing we increased his dose of fetanyl again. He fell right to sleep, woke up and was in a good mood for awhile and then fell back to sleep. He is still saying his legs are hurting him. When I brought him downstairs this morning he was crying that I was hurting him and is now asking us to hit his button to get an extra dose. He was also saying his upper arm and foot was hurting him.

We had no visitors yesterday and expect the same today, maybe. I got alot done considering Alex wanted me right beside him all day. We tried to talk him into going fishing, we were going to take him to Twin Lakes, but he was very adament that he didn't want to go. So instead we went across the road where there is a little tiny stream from all the rain we've gotten lately and caught him some tadpoles. He was pretty excited about them.

We hope everyone has a Happy Memorial Day. Hopefully the rain will stop, the sun will come out and some food will be grilled and everyone will have a fun day!

Love, MOM

Spaghetti Dinner for our Buddy Carter*********
St. John Lutheran Church at 601 Washington Avenue in Carnegie on Friday, June 18, 2004 at 6:30 p.m.
Advance tickets $6 adult, $3 under 12
At the door $10 adult, $5 under 12
Call (412)279-2952 for tickets or directions.
There will be a bake sale and a chinese auction also.

Saturday, May 29, 2004 7:28 PM CDT

Alex has had some VERY cranky days lately. Erika, his nurse was yesterday and uped his dose on his meds. He just seemed to get meaner. Yelling at everyone, calling them names, including Me! So Dr. Egler (Alex's doctor from Children's) came by today for a nice social visit. ( I love this woman!) She is the best doctor we could have ever asked for. I don't know of too many doctors who make a social house visit. Anyways while she was here, we uped his dose of Verset, he got a little bit better. She had brought some stuff to make molds of his hands from Child life at the hospital and he really enjoyed putting his hands in the cold, mushy stuff. So I do believe that maybe upping his meds tonight might have worked. He was in a funny mood the rest of the night. Uncle Rick and a friend Chuck were over to cook some food on the grill and Alex was joking with them and having some fun.

The rest of the weekend we are just going to hang out and do nothing much. We are going to cut back on some visitors for awhile. I believe Alex is just getting sick and tired of people coming in to google all over him.

The other night he asked me why it was taking such a long while to get rid of his booboos in his legs. If my heart did not break. Tonight he told me both of his legs still hurt him. My poor precious baby. Please pray that the meds will kick in and start working better for him.

Love, MOM

Thursday, May 27, 2004 9:20 AM CDT

Alex had a good time at the mall and he talked us into going to Toys R Us. Of course we bought him anything and everything he wanted within reason. He got his Veggie movie, a new Rescue Hero robot guy, new game for his playstation. Spoiled? NO! Loved? YES!!!!!!!

Today some of his Great Aunts are coming to visit along with Pap Pap Hulk. Other than that I think we will just play with all the new toys and games we got yesterday.

Love, MOM

Spaghetti Dinner for our buddy Carter at St. John Lutheran Church at 601 Washington Avenue, Carnegie on Friday, June 18, 2004 at 6:30 p.m.
Advance tickets $6 adult, $3 under 12
at the door $10 adult, $5 under 12
Call (412)279-2952 for tickets or directions.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004 9:19 AM CDT

Yesterday was a fairly good day. He was very cranky and mean later on in the day. Grammie Joan, Great Uncle Ronnie and Aunt Rosie, Uncle Kurt, Aunt Mel and Cousin Brooke all came in the afternoon to see him. Alex had just woke up and was very cranky with them.

Then later in the evening Aunt Sally, Josh and Coltan came out. They brought some Resue Hero Movies which he has watched about 50 times. And the most wonderful scrapbook that someone who lives by them made up for us with our Disney pictures. Lisa if you read this, thank you sooo much. It is the most beautiful book and brought tears to our eyes. Thank You! Alex did cheer up a little for them and like always they had Alex laughing.

Today we think we will take a ride to the mall. The new Veggie Tale movie "A Snoodles Tale" just came out and Alex Needs to have it! I think he will enjoy strolling around the mall.

One last thing, there is going to be a spaghetti dinner for our buddy Carter on June 18 at the St. John Lutheran Church at 601 Washington Avenue, Carnegie. it starts at 6:30 pm.
Advance tickets $6 adult, $3 under 12
At the door $10 adult, $5 under 12
You can call the church for tickets at (412)279-2952.
Thank You!

Love, MOM

Monday, May 24, 2004 5:48 PM CDT

Another good day. We went to McDonalds for lunch, Alex got a happy meal and ate some of his chicken nuggets and fries. We then left Neil at Mammaws and Alex, Daddy and I went to see Shrek 2 with our great friends Darla and her cuties Zach, Emily and Natalie. We all had a great time. It was a very funny movie and we all needed a good laugh. Thanks Darla for going with us.

after the movies we stopped to get Neil and alex was playing some Pac-Man at Mammaws and having some more good times and then we stopped for some ice cream at the Dairy Queen on our way home. Alex is now pooped and very cranky. We tired him out. But he did have a fun filled day again. Oh yeah and at the movie he ate a bunch of green popcorn that Darla got from a neighbor. It was green for Shrek. He also had a blue slushie.

Love, MOM

Sunday, May 23, 2004 6:54 PM CDT

Alex had another good day yesterday. We just hung out at the house, he stayed up until 11:00 watching Jurassic Park. This is unusual for Alex because he has always gone to bed early. Two nights in a row of staying up late.

Today he woke up excited because his buddy Carter was coming to visit. While we were waiting, PapPap Hulk came and surprised us all. He had just driven in from Kansas and we did not know he was coming. That was a nice surprise. Then Uncle Lobes and EJ came. And then finally Carter and his family. Alex wanted to wait on the porch for him and was very excited. They played inside for a while and then we went outside and ALex was such a trooper, he stayed out for most of the day. Usually he wants to come right back in. He really had a good time. And Neil fell in love with Carter's sister, Mariah. He had a fit when they left. Both boys are now fast asleep and it's only 8:00! They are pooped!

Alex once again was crawling around on the floor this morning. It was nice to see him moving around.

Thank you for a beautiful day, Lord!

Love, MOM

Saturday, May 22, 2004 6:45 AM CDT

Alex had another good day yesterday! Good friends Alicia and Gina stopped by with some balloons. He didn't kick them out and actually showed them all of his Disney pictures. He was very nice to his brother, Neil and made room on the couch for him to sit by him. Had to run and get the camera for that one. That's not too often that he is nice to Neil, though he loves him more than any thing!

And than PJ and I got to sneak out and go to the benefit for Carter. Mammaw and PapPap Gary came out and sat with the boys. We had a very good time, I am so glad that we got to go. The band was fantastic! The Maxwell Perculators or something like that. We got to meet some of Rhonda and Howard's family and they are all wonderful people. Thank you all for your prayers and concerns. We did miss Howard and the kids, but we hope to see you guys soon.

The boys had a great time with Mammaw and PapPap. Alex was still up when we got hime at 11:30 and didn't go to sleep until after 12:00! He missed his Mommy and Daddy!

Well let's pray that today is a good day. Pray for Carter and Isaac (another little boy who recently relapsed with NB) and all of the other children battling this monster and say a prayer for all of the parents out there who's children did not win their battle, they are still in need of your prayers. I've met a very special mother who lost her daughter only 2 months ago. Please say a special prayer for her to give her the strength to keep on going everyday.

Love, MOM

Thursday, May 20, 2004 9:03 PM CDT

Today was a wonderful day. He was in such a good mood. When Erica the nurse came he was sweet as pie to her. I said "NOW this is my Alex". Alex went grocery shopping with me. He had a good time picking stuff out. He picked out some character plates while we were in the card section. Some Buzz Lightyear and Batman. He got a little tired and ansy from sitting in the buggy. When we got home he was actually climbing off and onto the couch all by himself. I came in the livingroom and he was sitting on the floor and I asked what he was doing, he said he just wanted to sit in front of the fan. What a cutie!

So later on Uncle Kurt, Aunt Mel and Brooke came and then some old friends of ours with their two little girls. Alex wanted to look at his plates he got and said the Batman ones are cake plates. "Mommy we forgot my birthday cake!" I didn't know we were supposed to get him one. He was very adamant about getting the cake tonight! So I called his cousin Lindsay who was on her way out to pick up a vanilla cake. He had soooo much fun. He put on all 24 candles on in one spot and when we lit it, it looked like a bonfire on the cake! He was trying his hardest to blow them all out. I had to help. It was the funniest thing you ever saw. Then Alex and Neil had those party favor things that you blow in and the thing comes out, I don't know what they are called. alex kept blowing his into the cake, he got so much icing on it that after a while incing was flying all over the kitchen and me. It was great. He really had a good time with cousin Lindsay.

Thank you Lord for such a wonderful day!

Love, MOM

Thursday, May 20, 2004 9:39 AM CDT

Well I did not get to go to the pamper party. The nurse came to hook Alex up to his IV fetanyl and when I tried to get ready to go Alex had a fit and would not calm down until I sat with him. Oh well, there will be other parties. Alex is now on IV verset(I think that's how it is spelled), fetanyl and steroid cream for pain. He was in such a good mood last night and again this morning. Laughing, joking, playing, being silly. He wants to go grocery shopping with me today, so that is our plan. We will just caryy his bag with us.

We need some prayers for my grandfather who fell down some stairs yesterday and fractured a vertebre in his back. He is in Jefferson Hospital and in a lot of pain. Please say some prayers for him. Thank you.

Well got to go get ready for shopping. I'll update later!

Love, MOM

Wednesday, May 19, 2004 2:40 PM CDT

Today was a much better day than yesterday. Alex has been in a good mood most of the day. He was actually crawling around on his hands and knees on my bed this morning! It was so great to see him moving around, it seems like such a long time ago that he last walked (almost 4 weeks).
We asked Pastor Gary from church if he would come out yesterday and baptise Alex. He was dedicated when he was a baby. While Pastor Gary was doing it, ALex was yelling that he was going to beat his but and get out of here. What a character. Good thing we were not in church! My mom and Gary, PJ's Mom, Joan and my Grandparents were all here for that. And than later on Aunt Terri and Eric came out for a visit.

Today Uncle Lobes, Aunt Ang and Mammaw came this morning. And than later Aunt Sally, Uncle Mike, Aunt Darlene and Uncle Sam came out. Sally and Mike brought lots of frozen food and meals from the Level Green Women's Club. Thank You so much. It is greatly appreciated. And thanks mike and Sally for bringing it out. Uncle Sam and Aunt Darlene won it big again with the perfect gft for Alex and received a smile instead of "Get out of here". some rescue Hero Guys. Uncle Sam tried to put some music on alex's site but couldn't figure it out yet(Oh yeah, Aunt Ang tried also) Thanks to all of them!
And then a nurse came out and hooked Alex up to a pc pump where he will get continous meds and if needed we can give him an extra dose. He seems to be doing well with it so far. He still has the fetanyl patch on. There are searching all over the area for some liquid fetanyl for him but the dose is so small they are having a hard time finding it. Hopefully soon.
As for me, I am going to a much needed PMS (Pamper Me Silly) party tonight at a friends house not far down the road. Facials, manicures, and pedicures. And don't forget the ever so important girl talk! Just what I need!

Love,MOM

Tuesday, May 18, 2004 12:49 AM CDT

I wanted to make sure everyone saw the Thank You before I updated Alex's page. We are having a bad day today. Alex has become very agitated the last couple of days. Last night sleeping alot and when he was awake he would just yell at everyone. Dr. Egler called this morning to see how he was and as I recounted everything that he has been doing she just kept saying "ok" or "HMMM". I didn't like the sounds of her words but was too afraid to ask the question. I was telling her how he has been picking at everything, blankets, clothes, his ears, his nose, his lips. She seemed very interested in that. I wonder why I asked myself. Well I didn't have to wait too long to find out. Alex's hospice nurse, Erica(Super Person) came today and we signed Alex onto hospice care instead of palliative care. The difference being palliative care he can still have treatments, he was on that because he was getting the radiation. She gave me a book before she left and it is a "roadmap" of what to expect for Alex. As I am reading I see picking at clothes, restless arms, getting agitated very easily. Everything Alex is going through. This all was under 1-2 weeks prior to passing away. It really hit me hard, I think until now I wasn't thinking too much about it and hoping that this wouldn't come for a long, long, time. Love, Mom

Saturday, May 15, 2004 7:49 PM CDT

What a wonderful day we had today. Alex slept in late, but when he woke up he was in a very good mood. He wanted to go in the kitchen with me, which he hasn't wanted to in a few days. He ate some pop tart, croutons(his favorite) and some yogurt for breakfast and also licked a whole pack of Veggie Tales fruit snacks just to see what flavor they were. He was laughing and even allowing Neil to come near him and play. He didn't once complain of leg pain. It was a wonderful day! Then we went to the spaghetti dinner at the chrch and a BIG THANKS to everyone who was there to help out, eat or just to say "Hi". Alex was a real trooper. He was kicking a few people out of the nursery who came by to say hello but that is our Alex, fiesty as could be. And the best part of the night was when we saw our favorite little guy, Carter. Thank you for coming down to see us. Alex was very funny as he told people "Don't talk to him, Carter is MY friend!" I think that did him good to see Carter.
And thanks to everyone who helped in the kitchen, cooked the spaghetti, served the food, baked cakes and stayed to help clean up. Just thank you to everyone who was there to eat and give us support, we appreciate it immensely. Thanks to everyone who stayed in the nursery with Alex and Neil so that we could mingle with everyone. And last but not least THANKS to the Greene County CMA (Christian Motorcycle Alliance) members who drove all that way to see Alex and pray with us and thanks for raising all of that money for us. You are a group of very special people and we hope to keep in touch with you all. I can't even express how we feel, you are just wonderful, wonderful people. And one more last but especially not least, THANK YOU Mom. Without you this would never had been. You did a great job like usual. Thanks! Love, Mom and Dad

Saturday, May 15, 2004 6:35 AM CDT

Yesterday was pretty uneventful. Alex slept most of the day and we were visitorless. Almost didn't know what to do with myself! I did get Alex outside for maybe 15 minutes, but that's 15 minutes of fresh air for him. He didn't eat anything yesterday but he was drinking. But he's not peeing very much which concerns me a bit.

we are all excited to see everyone tonight at the spaghetti dinner. Christian Life church, Trafford. 4-7. Call 724-217-3404 for directions.

Love, Mom

Thursday, May 13, 2004 7:20 PM CDT

Today was a long day. Alex was very irritable again. We had lots of visitors. Mammaw, Aunt Sally and Coltan, MaryJo and George, Uncle Kurt, Aunt Melanie and Brooke, and Aunt Terri and Eric. Oh yeah and Nurse Ericka(very nice nurse who really has a way with Alex, she really impresses me). As far as I know no visitors tomorrow.
Alex was still have some pain in his legs today. I try all day to get him off the couch and go outside but he won't budge. Though he did go out for a little while today on the porch to blow bubble with his new Spiderman webble blower, thanks again Beth. i talked with the doctor and we agreed to double his dose of pain meds. I'm praying this works this time and it doesn't make him really sleepy or stoned like before.

Well the little man is calling for Mom so I've got to go. Don't forget about the spaghetti dinner Saturday at Christian Life Church from 4 - 7:00. call 724-217-3404 for directions.

Love, Mom

Thursday, May 13, 2004 6:56 AM CDT

Wednesday was not a real good day for Alex. He slept most of the day and was very crabby. Yelling at everyone to get away from him. Pap Pap Hulk and Pap Pap Paul were both here to say goodbye for they were heading back home and Alex was very mean to them. Hopefully they understand. Even in his dreams he was telling people to get away from him. Precious little baby. He did finally perk up when some old work friends of mine visited and brought some really cool presents. A spiderman bubble shooter. The first we had seen him smile. Thanks Beth! and thanks Melissa for the yummy pizza! And then more old childhood friends (The Lutz's and Rusty)stopped by. That also was a nice visit. Thanks. That was all for yesterday, today Aunt Sally and cousin Coltan are coming and then later Aunt Terri, Aunt Mel, Uncle Kurt and cousin Brooke. And somewhere in there Mammaw and PapPap Gary to get some roasters for the spaghetti dinner on Saturday, May 15 at Christian Life church in Trafford. 4:00 - 7:00. We will be there, please come even just to say "Hi!" Love, Mom

Tuesday, May 11, 2004 8:58 PM CDT

Today was another good day. Even though Alex was up alot last night complaining of pain and then again this morning saying that his left leg was hurting him. This is new. Up until now it has only been his right leg. I'm a little concerned. I'll admit it did bring me down a bit. But by afternoon he seemed a little better. Though he would not let me out of his sight for a second! A little tough to get things done but oh well, who cares! The housework will still be there tomorrow. As I told you last about Alex's SpongeBob strawberry/banana waffles, he did finish the box and I had to go buy 4 more boxes! It feels my heart with joy to see him take even a few bites of anything. I also bought him Super Hero popsicles which he also loved. That's what made my day a good one, to see him enjoy some food.
Don't forget about the spaghetti dinner this Saturday at Christian Life church in Trafford from 4 - 7:00. For directions please call 724-217-3404. Hope to see you there!
Goodnight! Love, Alex's Mommy

Monday, May 10, 2004 7:39 PM CDT

Sorry that I haven't updated the page in a while but we have been so busy. We came home from the hospital last Wed. and they had doubled his dose of fetanyl. He was so out of it when he was awake which wasn't often. So we decreased and he is doing so much better. More alert and able to laugh and have some fun. He finished his radiation last week though he didn't want anything to do with the last one on Friday and I just took him off the table and asked the doctor if we could just skip the last one which was fine. Alex just didn't want any thing to do with it, which was odd because he was always very good about laying still for it. Maybe he was just telling us something. We've had MANY visitors since we've been home. Alex has gotten many, many gifts and loves them all! They brought out a wheelchair for him and he didn't want anything to do with that at first but now he thinks it is cool. He still won't walk even though he doesn't seem to be in much pain, I think it is just from laying aroung for so long. I've been trying to get him up to walk but he is being very rebellious, like always. I had a very nice Mother's Day, I was just happy to be with my family. I took Alex grocery shopping with me in the morning and he got to pick out whatever he wanted. He found some strawberry/banana Spongebob waffles. He loves anything strawberry/banana and SpongeBob. He has eaten almost the whole box already. Thanks for visiting and we will update everyday! Please keep praying for us all especially Alex. By the way there is a spaghetti dinner on Saturday, May 15 at Christian Life Church in Trafford from 4:00-7:00. Please come, Alex and the rest of us will be there. Love, The Loneros

Tuesday, May 4, 2004 10:10 AM CDT

We are going home today! Alex seems very comfortable and slept through the night. He is a little grorry and sleepy but as long as he is not in pain. Our doors at home are going to be open to anyone who wants to come visit. Please, we are encouraging everyone to come visit. Just call first and make sure Alex is feeling up to it. Thanks and keep praying for us all!

Monday, May 3, 2004 8:14 PM CDT

Alex had another fairly good day. We thought we were to go home today but it was postponed until tomorrow. No biggie. They increased his fetanyl patch which eased up on some of the pain. He was laughing and joking with us. We think he was feeling a little lazy from the meds and didn't want to get out of bed. We tried all day. He did't even want to go to the playroom, which is a first. He will have radiation everyday for the rest of the week. We are very excited and also very nervous about going home. It's like the beginning of the end. PJ is not doing good at all. He is very angry, which he has every right to be. I guess I am saving my anger for later, right now I am just happy to have Alex here and am enjoying every second of him. I am praying that PJ will do the same. Everyone at the hospital has been so super with us. In a way I will be very sad to leave here tomorrow, it has become my safe haven and a big part of Alex's life over the past year. We will miss everyone very much. Thanks for visiting. Please keep praying for all of us.

Sunday, May 2, 2004 12:10 AM CDT

Yesterday they started Alex on a fentanyl patch for the pain and he seems so much better today. Better spirits, more awake and playing some more. His friend Carter is down the hall from us so we took him some snacks and went for a nice visit. They played some nintendo and had a good time. He had lots of visitors yesterday. His Pap Pap Hulk came in from Kansas, Aunt Terri,, Aunt Alicia and good friend Melissa. Today Pap pap Hulk was already here, we are waiting on Mammaw, Pap pap Gary and Neil to come and then later Grammie Joan, Aunt Sally, Cousins Josh and Coltan are coming down.
He has some radiaition in the morning tommorrow and then we get to go Home Sweet Home! Alex can't wait to go home and play with all of his toys and his most favorite, his baby brother Neil. We miss Neil very much. Thank you for visiting and please keep praying for Alex and all of his family.

Friday, April 30, 2004 9:08 PM CDT

Alex is feeling a little better today. Was up playing and laughing a little, he was in the playroom and even took a few steps! He started his radiation today. He will get 6 treatment to his chest and 4 to his right thigh. We decided that we are going home on Monday after his radiation. He will be going home on iv pain meds and oxygen. We can't wait to get him home.
Everyone here at Childrens is being wonderful to us. A combo of the meds and his discomfort, Alex is sometimes mean and very cranky. He loves to kick everyone out of his room. "Get out of here!" "Leave me alone, I'm sleeping!" "I'm gonna put you in jail!" "You broke my heart!" are some of his famous sayings. Today he yelled at Gina the cleaning girl to get her hands off of his window.
Thanks for checking in. Please pray for Alex and all of his family and friends. Love, PJ, G, Alex and Neil

Wednesday, April 28, 2004 11:40 PM CDT

Tonight we are back in Children's of PGH. We received some not so good results while we were in NY. Alex has been having some leg pain since he started his first round of treatment in NY. It would come and go and luckily it went away for Disney. We went to up for a bone marrow and MIBG last week. On Friday he was really having a hard time getting around but we still decided to take a quick trip to Ocean City, NJ so that Alex could see the ocean and play in the sand. By Sat he couldn't walk, but he did enjoy playing in the sand! I took him in Mon to begin his second treatment and the doctor informed me that he was no longer a candidate for the 3F8, the cancer had gotten worse. We were admitted for fevers on Mon. They were drawing cultures and they were coming back neg. His heartrate was fast and he seemed to be having some difficulty breathing. They did a chest xray on Tues and it showed a large mass in his chest.
All I wanted was to be back home, PJ and Neil had left early Mon morning before we found out anything. I was up there all alone, it was terrible. Alex and I flew back after many attepts from family and friends to get us back here.
Alex will start some raditation tomorrow to shrink the mass in his chest some so that he can breathe more easily. They are keeping him well medicated to keep the pain away. He has lots in his R thigh. We will be going home in a few days. We still have some questions for the doctors but they more or less have told us there is nothing else we can do for him but to keep him comfortable. We are very sad and do not know quite how to handle this. Please pray for ALex and ALL of his family!

Thursday, April 22, 2004 1:15 PM CDT

We had a great time in Disney and were very sad to come home. The boys loved it!! We were home for one day and had to head back up to NY. We will be up here for 2 1/2 weeks. Yesterday the did a bone marrow asp. on him, we are very anxious to find out the results. Today he is having a MIBG test and then he starts his second treatment of 3F8 on Monday. Will keep you updated.
Love, PJ, Gretch, Alex and Neil

Sunday, April 11, 2004 2:58 PM CDT

Happy Easter! Tomorrow we are leaving for DisneyWorld for some much needed Fun and Sun!!! Alex had his first treatment of 3F8 in New York. Everything went well. It was a little stressful but we made it. He was having some pain in his legs this past week. The doctors say it's just from the antibody. Hopefully this means it's doing its job! He still has some but it is getting better. We come back from Disney on the 18th and have to return to New York on April 21. He will have a MIBG and a CT scan that week and then the following week he will start his second treatment. We will be up there for 2 1/2 weeks.

Friday, March 19, 2004 12:53 AM CST

We just returned from NY last Saturday, we were up there having tests done on Alex to see if he was eligible for the 3F8 clinical study at Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center. We head back up for this Sunday to start on the 22nd of March. Alex had a great time at the BIG Toys R Us in Times Square and the plane rides. We will be up there for two weeks during which he will receive the antibody by IV Mon-Fri. At this time he will also receive glucan by mouth. He will then be tested for HAMA (human anti mouse antibody) if that is negative, he will have another treatment in 3 weeks, if positive we have to wait for it to come back negative.
We had a really nice time in NY and met many wonderful families from all over the world. Lots of children with Neuroblastoma. This time up we are taking our Neil with us.

Wednesday, February 4, 2004 1:31 PM CST

Alex was diagnosed with Stage 4 Neuroblastoma on April 8, 2003. Since then he has had 8 chemo treatments, surgery to remove a tumor on his right kidney, a bone marrow transplant on Dec 17, 2003 and he just started radiation yesterday. All of his repeat scans show that the cancer is still there. There is a tumor behind his right kidney close to the spine that cannot be removed by surgery. It is also in his left femur bone and we are awaiting to hear whether it is still in his bone marrow. He had a bone marrow aspiration today, we will find out tomorrow. He will have 2 weeks of radiation and then repeat all of the scans once again to find out where we stand.
Alex is feeling well. He is recovering slowly from his BMT. His blood counts are good and he is getting his energy and badness back again. We LOVE him being BAD!!!

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