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Haleyland Lives On
June 28th 2002 To August 15th 2004 Journal Saturday, February 14, 2009 4:29 AM CST Well, I woke up early this am and had visions of Haley, I was thinking about the last time we were in NY, the last time we had to go through the normal medical procedures that we all hated and dreaded. I remembered it took over 7 hours to get her scans started all the while she couldn't eat or drink because of the sedation. I remember her begging me for food and a drink, I lost it, I ran to the nurses station and yelled at them and said this is insane, my daughter is hungry, thirsty and she doesn't deserve to be tortured. I remember just bawling. I hated this as much as Haley did even more, I couldn't stop the cancer, i coudn't stop the treatments, I couldn't even feed her when I wanted too. I just felt so helpless. I hated waiting for tests for tests results for scan results, plus i knew that they were never good, I was so scared out of my mind everytime. It was like someone sucking the oxygen out of you, and then giving you just a little every now and agian. It was torture. I can only imagine what it felt like for her. And that I remembered that today Valentine's day was a day another mother whom is my friend lost her baby boy Joshua from South Carolina. I thought about the how she knows exactly what I know and feels what I feel and hurts still like I hurt. We both remember these horrible things like scans, bone marrow aspirations where your child had two giant holes drilled in thier lower backs, just so we could find out what thier cancer was doing. And how sore they would be. Haley would try to walk around but it was so hard for her, her perseverance was amazing to me and still is. I wish I could not think of these times, but then every memory even the horrific ones are ones of your baby. They are here still for reasons i don't fully understand, but then most of her 2 years she was sick. I think to that these memories as any memories of trama, stick harder because they were filled with such raw emotion. Emotions stir memories. I have lots of good memories too, but I am mad I don't have more, I am angry that i wasn't given the chance to have them. You see sometimes significance is only truly known or felt when we have sacrificed something, isn't it sad that to truly understand value and worth, we have to lose. I remember vividly the day I had to choose, I had to decide to continue to fight for her life and hope, or to let the inevitable happen. I guess when looking back when I signed that horrible paperwork,I knew that Haley made the choice for me in her last treatment, normally she fought through chemo, she fought through all the tests, she never looked weak and numb. In her last chemo treament week, she was like someone I had never seen, she looked like an empty shell through treatment, she looked sad, she looked numb. I knew then that this was the last chemo poision I would ever give her. I just remember her yellow-gold bandanna on her head and her sweet little face looked so sad. I was so mad. I was so hurt, and I knew what this meant, I knew that my time was short, and I AM NOT spending in this hospital wasting away, I wanted to unhook all the tubes, catheders, and carry her home. she loved coming home, it seemed to always be short lived, but every moment at home felt like we could just live in the lie that everything was ok and nothing was wrong, she could play like other kids, she could eat and drink when she wanted, she could watch her favorite shows, swing. So many normals, that we all deserved, we sucked it up completely. I knew that this would be how we would spend her last days being normal, as normal as we could. Today, think of Joshua's family and think of all the families that are living without thier child or are living with them connected to tubes. Pray for thier strength. Love you all so much. Amber Read Journal HistoryHospital Information:
Links: http://www.LunchforLife.org---Help to save another life to Neuroblastoma |
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E-mail Author: millenniumap@aol.com |
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