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Lindsay Rochelle MacIver 
February 20, 1983 -- July 21, 2004
My love for you is not written on paper, for paper can be erased,
Nor is my love for you etched in stone, for stone can be broken.
My love for you is inscribed in my heart, where it shall remain forever.
Journal
Friday, February 20, 2009 3:56 PM CST I’ve thought about this all week … well, actually, I’ve had these thoughts for a long time … it’s about screaming. Okay, I’ve perked your interest with that one, haven’t I? Well, to put it simply, it just means that I’m finding it harder and harder to hold myself back from screaming out to the world what has happened to Lindsay. When I hear a parent berating their child for some ridiculously minor offense, I want to scream to them, “Do you KNOW how LUCKY you are that your child is here?”. When I see someone who has characteristics like Lindsay, or a certain part of her appearance reminds me of Lindsay, I want to go into a room, any room, and scream, “You should be here, Roo !!!”. There are so many “scream” moments … most of the time when they hit, my eyes tear up, and I get quiet. In fact, believe it or not, (for those who know me), I’m quiet a lot more often than not these days. I asked Frank recently if he saw me as “depressed”? His response to me started with “well, honey …”. I guess the answer is yes, with an asterisk. I am not what society perceives as being depressed, but yet I am very, very sad. Things hit me a lot easier than they did before, and I cry more often. That’s not depressed, that’s a Mother who has lost her child. Any Mother understands exactly what I mean.
I didn’t mean to start my posting this way ... my intention was to scream something else – “Happy 26th Birthday Roo !!”. My sweet, precious daughter, what would you be doing now? Would you have completed your schooling to become a nurse practitioner? Would you be married? Would you still be living in this area? I know you’d be enjoying your beautiful nieces, Jaiden and Paige. They are absolutely gorgeous, and so smart and fun. They know you. They know your picture. They know all about you.
Many things have happened since Lindsay’s last birthday. I’m sitting here trying to bring to mind all the many stories I could tell ... some good, some not so good. But, as if lodged in my subconscious, I can only think of certain things today. The last time I posted, I told you all how I went to see Lindsay. I told you who was there, and what we did. My Mom was with me that day. She had come up early so that she could go to the mass that was being said for Lindsay. She then went to Tim Horton’s with my Mother-in-Law, Carm, and friend, Louanne. I had previous arrangements to go out to breakfast with Lindsay’s boyfriend, Mike. Then, at the right time, we all converged at the cemetery to be with Lindsay. Once we were done, my Mom asked me what I was going to do, and I said “absolutely nothing – I just want to be alone with Lindsay and my thoughts”. She understood. We then hugged and kissed each other goodbye, said “I love you”, and off we went. The next few days were uneventful, but then, suddenly, after being sick for 1 ½ days, my Mother passed away. I had been able to see her one last time prior to emergency surgery, and although she couldn't talk (she already had a tube down her throat), when I looked into her baby blue eyes and told her I loved her, she tried to mouth back to me that she loved me too. I smiled and told her “you don’t have to talk, just blink your eyes”, which she did. I never saw her awake again.
You know, we all expect to lose our parents, but when it happens, it cuts so deep. I miss her very much, and try to concentrate on the fact that she’s with my Dad now, but mostly, she’s with my Lindsay.
The months of February and July will for the remainder of my days be difficult. This month did not start any differently. There is, however, an extra sadness in our home and in the homes of countless other Western New Yorkers. A plane making its approach to Buffalo, just six miles shy of the airport, crashed. All 49 passengers and 1 person on the ground perished. This type of thing is horrible wherever it happens, but when it happens so close, it hits home. Everyone either knew someone on the plane or knew someone who did. Frank lost four friends (former co-workers) on the plane, my co-worker lost her brother, another co-worker lost her cousin’s husband, and still a third co-worker lost one of her very good friends sister. Life is so very precious, and losing a loved one like this reminds you to not only cherish the ones you love, but to let them KNOW that you cherish them. For all of these 50 people, I keep telling myself the same thing I have to keep telling myself about Lindsay … she is not in pain anymore, and neither are they. I pray for them and their families.
We had a mass said for Lindsay this morning at 8:30. Frank, Janelle, Carm, Louanne, and I went (Tara was unable to come). Monsignor Wetter said the mass, and mentioned Lindsay’s name, which means so much, and Louanne led the Prayers of the Faithful saying Lindsay’s name loud and clear. Like I told you before, nothing sounds sweeter to a bereaved parent than the mention of their child’s name. Afterwards, Louanne, Janelle, and I went across the street to Tim Hortons for a coffee/donut – fattening but good. By this time, Tara met up with us, so the three of us went to get red roses for Roo – the first store didn’t have them, so we ended up at Tops, where we also bought her a birthday balloon. Then we went to see Roo. When we turned into the driveway of the cemetery, there were many cars just pulling away from near where she is … sadly someone else had just buried their loved one. The workers were now doing their part post-funeral (if you know what I mean). So, we parked a little ways away, and walked. It is VERY cold in Buffalo today, and the wind chill out where she is made it that much colder, but we didn’t mind. I gave her a dozen red roses and the balloon, Tara gave a her a single red rose, and Janelle a single white rose. We then sang “Happy Birthday” to her … fortunately no one else could hear us. I put a beaded rosary (green colored) in her tree, and just stared at her beautiful face. I miss her beyond words ......
We then went back to our cars where Tara promptly handed each of us a peanut butter chocolate egg …. no significance to the type of treat it was except that it was “chocolate” – this was in honor of Roo. Then on to Old Navy to shop (one of Lindsay’s favorite stores), and then on to Red Lobster for lunch. It was delicious as usual. Afterwards, Tara had to go home for the kids, and Janelle and I did more shopping (again, Lindsay’s favorite thing to do). We didn’t buy that much, in fact, that wasn’t the objective. It was the idea of being together and doing whatever we wanted. Janelle and I then went home just to relax … so I guess mission accomplished.
Later on, Tara and the girls came over. It saddens me so much that they won’t be able to ever physically know their Aunt Lindsay … I mean, as I’ve said before, we tell them about her all the time, so they do “know” her, but oh how Lindsay would have gushed all over the both of them – they would have “felt” it deep within them.
Continuing Lindsay's dream of finding a cure for pediatric cancer, we had the 4th annual "Lindsay's Legacy 5K Run" this past November. It was again a huge success, bringing the total amount donated over the past four years to almost $55,000.00. Lindsay would be so happy about this. Please mark your calendars for next year - November 14th !!!
To close, I'd like to thank you all for your continued love and support. It means so much more than I can say. Here is the memoriam that we put in the paper today ... short but to the point ... it said:
Memories make us sad for what can not be.
They also remind us of what was.
Thanking God for all the wonderful years we had together.
And they were wonderful years, Roo; too short, but oh so wonderful.
Love you all,
Bonnie
Read Journal History
Hospital Information: Was treated at: Roswell Park Cancer Institute
Links: http://www.lindsays5k.com Devoted to raising research dollars to find a cure for childhood cancer
http://www.carlysclub.org Pediatric Research Division of Roswell Park Cancer Institute
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