Lindsay Rochelle MacIver

February 20, 1983 -- July 21, 2004


My love for you is not written on paper, for paper can be erased,
Nor is my love for you etched in stone, for stone can be broken.
My love for you is inscribed in my heart, where it shall remain forever.

Journal

Monday, July 21, 2008 9:47 PM CDT

Four years ... how can it possibly be that four years have gone by since I was able to look into Lindsay's eyes, touch her face, talk with her? Lindsay is my last thought before going to sleep, my first thought upon waking up, and every thought in between. Whenever I run into someone that I haven't seen in a while, after exchanging the usual questions such as "How are you?:, and "What are you doing now?", people often say something to the effect of "I don't know how you do it Bonnie, if I lost a child .....".

Well, I can't say that I know how to answer that question. Everything I do gives way to thoughts of Lindsay, whether it's a patient wearing a shirt with the leopard pattern (you know how she loved that), someone who looks like her in some way, or maybe I'll see a Red Grand Am driving around town .... whatever it is, it doesn't matter, it happens countless times every single day. So, I guess what helps me to "do it" is smiling over a beautiful memory, or even by crying over the very same one. I was at work the other day, busy with a lot of paperwork when suddenly a co-worker asked what I was humming -- not such a strange question, I know, except for the fact that I didn't even realize that I was doing it. The song that I was humming was by Michael Jackson called "You Are Not Alone". It's a very pretty song, one that makes me think of Lindsay everytime. Thinking of her is what gets me through a lot of my days (and nights), so I guess that's how I "do it".

With today being the 4th anniversay of Lindsay earning her wings, we had a mass said for her at St. Francis. When the prayers of the faithful was said, she again pronounced Lindsay's name correctly (the MacIver part of course), and Monsignor Wetter also said her name. That meant a lot. Additional prayers were also offered, one of which was said by Louanne for "a cure to be found for rhabdomyosarcoma". I pray for that everyday.

Afterwards, some people went to work, some went out for coffee. I went out for breakfast with Lindsay's boyfriend, Mike. He moved out of state a couple of years ago, but was home for the week. It was so nice to see him and to talk about the past, present, and future -- with us touching on what the future would have been like had she lived. My daughter adored him, and he would have made a wonderful son-in-law.

After that, I went to see Lindsay -- alone at first, but I was then joined by Frank, Tara, Janelle, and both our Mom's. At exactly 1:07 pm, we were standing with her while we released four green balloons into the air. As we watched them, and again just like last year, they headed towards the mall -- I think I see a pattern ....

I then turned around to see the son of a friend of mine standing there -- he was delivering a package from his Mom which had a angel chime in it. It was absolutely beautiful. What was even better was that the angel had her arms outstretched and holding a white butterfly as if reaching towards the sky -- you all know the white butterfly story ...

After leaving the cemetery, the rest of the day was spent doing ... well .... nothing -- per se anyway. I went and sat by the river for a while and then went home. We had dinner later on for everyone, and then we all just relaxed. That's what I wanted to do for this day -- just relax and be "with" Lindsay - no interruptions.

As I was working on this posting tonight, many thoughts ran through my head as they usually do -- some I just can't seem to put in writing. I miss her deeply and with every fiber of my being. I wish I could just snap my fingers and she would be standing right here beside me.

I love you Roo, know that I love you ....

Hospital Information:

Was treated at: Roswell Park Cancer Institute

Links:

E-mail Author: BonnieJM@adelphia.net

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