Connor's Page

*** Connor James ***
12/29/99 - 9/16/03

JMML Diagnosis - 7/01 (at 19 months old)
1st Bone Marrow Transplant - 4/4/02
Relapse - 8/02
2nd Bone Marrow Transplant - 7/23/03
Went to Heaven - 9/16/03 (3 years, 8 months, 19 days old)



"Think of Me" – from VeggieTales

Think of me everyday
Hold tight to what I say
And I’ll be close to you –
Even from far away

Know that wherever you are
It is never too far
If you think of me,
I’ll be with you.

Journal

Wednesday, June 4, 2008 12:56 AM CDT

Well it has taken me a while, but I think I’m ready to close Connor’s website. I don’t really feel like I have more to say that I haven’t said over and over before. The loss of a child doesn’t get easier with time. I’ve learned to cope and to live without Connor, but the feelings are still as raw as ever under the façade. I read a great analogy. Losing a child is like losing a limb. You learn to live without it, but its absence is always apparent to you. A big chunk of my heart is gone and though the world may not see that hole, I am constantly aware of it and it has altered who I am in every single way.

Connor has been dead longer than he was alive – in fact, it will 5 years this September. That fact is surreal to me. How the planet managed to keep turning after 9/16/03 is, at times, impossible for me to understand. Yet, our lives have gone on despite Connor’s death and the grief that followed. Jim and I have survived. And some days that feels like enough. Our marriage is intact and in many ways stronger and for that I am grateful! The loss of a child costs so many couples their marriage as well. After all we’ve been through, I can’t picture my world without Jim. He’s an incredible husband and father.

Our family has grown since Connor died. Noah is a very devilish 4 year old. He is fun, silly, a little devious and (in my sister’s words) “scary smart”. He’s now older than his big brother, a fact that has been tough for me to accept. Jenna is now 2 years old and has taken on her role as an active member of the family as opposed to the spectator she was as a baby. She voices her opinions and makes sure her voice is heard! Suffice it to say, Noah is no longer pushing her around. She’s adorable and impatient and has Connor’s endless capacity for affection and compassion. It’s too soon to tell with Caleigh. So far she’s following in the 3 sets of footsteps that came before her and flatly refusing to be put down for any length of time or for any reason. Our 3 youngest children have their own personalities with enough glimpses of their oldest brother thrown in just to remind us that he’s here with us still.

I can’t tell you how much it has meant to Jim and I to have the love and support of so many people throughout Connor’s illness and since his death. I love that people still come here to remember Connor and to check on our lives. I was thinking about my kids’ photo albums the other day. Trying to figure out how to create separate albums that have the same memories for Noah, Jenna and Caleigh. I want them each to have their own set of albums to take with them as adults. Albums to share with their future spouses and children; to pass on the memories and the love. I realized then that Jim and I will always have Connor’s albums. When we’re gone who will remember him and cherish his memories? That is the true path to immortality isn’t it? To live on in people’s hearts and minds? My hope is that this site gave enough of Connor to the world that he will live on through your memories of him. That people will remember there was once a sweet, generous, loving, intuitive 3 year old they may or may not have ever met, but he inspired them nonetheless.

My wonderful Connor … you taught me how to be a mom. You taught me how to put someone else ahead of myself. You taught me how to be brave and strong and good. You taught me to have fun and to not take everything so seriously. You taught me about priorities. When you were born I thought I’d never love anyone more than I did at that moment. I was wrong. I loved you more every day that you were here. I loved watching your personality develop and flourish despite that damn cancer. I loved watching you learn and reason and manipulate. You had such an amazing spirit. My heart breaks for your brother and sisters, they’ll never know you. You’ll be a part of their lives, but they won’t KNOW you. Your smile is everywhere in our house and even though the spark and the love have been captured on film, it’s not the same as feeling that smile aimed at me. I’m sad that Noah, Jenna and Caleigh won’t feel love shoot through the air the way it did when you smiled. Having you here with us was an amazing gift and I’ll always be grateful for every second of it.

I’ll leave this entry here for a month or two for the people who check in sporadically. Then I’ll close the site officially.

Thanks for your help through these tough years - Rachel

Read Journal History

Hospital Information:

Patient Room:

Links:

---

 

Your gift will help millions of people stay connected with friends and loved ones during challenging times.

---

 

This page has been viewed 159337 times.

Note: The foregoing information was authored by the patient, parent or guardian, or other parties who are solely responsible for the content. Such announcements or their content are not necessarily endorsed by CaringBridge, Inc. or any sponsoring agent.  This information does not confirm that anyone is or was actually a patient at any facility.